All the Funny Ones ! (Jokes, Cartoons and stories)

Few Facebook Funnies !

2012-01-26T02:33:00.000-08:00

Funny Phone Users

2012-01-24T23:53:00.000-08:00

How does a Blackberry user, android user and an iphone user would see each other - pretty funny !

German Man Pays Neighbour to make Wife Pregnant !

2012-01-24T04:10:00.000-08:00

I knew that we live in a world that's insane.... But, this is the eternety of insanity !

Click on image if you need a larger readable version !

Forget the rest, she is a freaking beauty queen with a hot body.. Why can't I have neighbours like this ??

Demetrius and Traute - you made my day - LOL !

Gwen's Love Life after Death !

2012-01-17T21:43:00.000-08:00

Gwen was one of those UGLY women that she never had a boyfriend. So she went to a psychic for help.

Honey! - said the psychic. You will not have luck in love in this life.

But after death, you will be a much desired woman and all men will fall at your feet.

Gwen left very happy and so excited, as she went over a bridge she thought:

"The sooner I die, the sooner my next life begins” She decided to jump off the bridge right away.

But, incredibly Gwen didn't die!

She fell on the back of a truck full of bananas; she lost her senses and fainted. As soon as she recovered, still drowsy and not being able to see very well, and not knowing where she was, she started touching her surroundings, feeling all the bananas she mumbled with a huge smile on her face and said:

"GENTLEMEN, PLEASE!,… ONE AT A TIME!"

Define Sex, Twosome and Threesome

2012-01-16T22:18:00.000-08:00

Handfull is never bad when it comes to Jigi Jigi !!

And whom do we have it with ? Where is that perfect woman we all desire to hump?

Indian Monalisa

2012-01-15T20:45:00.000-08:00

What if Monalisa was in India? Who would have drawn her ? What would it be like - well, the answer for the latter is sorted !

News Cast Gone Wrong - Funny !

2012-01-11T22:07:00.000-08:00

We do tend to ingnor what's happening in the backgroud when news casters read out the daily news for us us ha?? All news casters as CNN, Fox, BBC, CCTV, Al Jazeera etc do this now a days. check who was caught during channel 7 news cast..

on other news Blue Ivy Carter is featured in Jay Z's new release glory and the video will be on you tube no sooner it's released.....

All about the word FUCK and Middle Finger !

2012-01-05T20:03:00.000-08:00

Using the word FUCK is something that we all quite often do. The below diagram which is pretty much informative would spell out all what you need to know about the word fuck.

Then again, how about the Middle finger ?? How many times have you shown the middle finger to all around you... know about it too.... Also learn about how media as BBC, CNN use the word FUCK and other slangs. How the government of United States uses the fabulous word.

Click on image for larger readable version or download to your computer - will come quite handy when needed !!

Happy New Year

2012-01-02T03:28:00.000-08:00

Hello My Dear Friends who love to joke and be funny.

Wish you all a wonderful new year 2012 - May it be peaceful and bring you loads of health and wealth.

Please do not forget to dance to the tunes played by this wonderful DJ...

And some say that gas burners / coockers are meant to be in kitchen....

You are WRONG !

Talking Dog for Sale

2011-12-26T21:55:00.000-08:00

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale '. He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'

The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA.

In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'

'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running.

But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger, so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.'

'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's a liar. He's never been out of the yard'

Select from these !

2011-12-21T19:48:00.000-08:00

WHICH WOULD YOU PREFER?

BECAUSE ALL THESE CLOTHES ARE NOW AVAILABLE

ON SALE AT DUBAI SUMMER SHOPPING FESTIVAL !

WHAT ARE YOU THINKING?

Rules of Boozing !

2011-12-20T20:48:00.000-08:00

A few Drinking / Boozing related Quotes

There's nought, no doubt, so much the spirit calms as rum and true religion. - Lord Byron, Don Juan, Second Canto
________________

What's drinking? A mere pause from thinking! - Lord Byron, The Deformed Transformed
________________

Oh brother, be a brother, fill this tiny cup of mine. And please, sir, make it whiskey: I have no head for wine! - Nick Cave, lyric, "Brother My Cup is Empty"
________________

I drink when I have occasion, and sometimes when I have no occasion. - Miguel de Cervantes, Don Quixote[specific citation needed]
________________

A man who doesn't drink is not, in my opinion, fully a man. - Anton Chekhov (1860-1904), Russian author.
________________

It is most absurdly said, in popular language, of any man, that he is disguised in liquor; for, on the contrary, most men are disguised by sobriety. - Thomas de Quincey, Confessions of an English Opium-Eater (1856).

Thoughts from Man's heart

2011-12-19T01:04:00.000-08:00

When we are born, our mothers get the compliments and the flowers. When we are married, our brides get the presents and the publicity. When we die, our widows get the life insurance.

What do women want to be liberated from?

_________________________________________
The average man's life consists of:

Twenty years of having his mother ask him where he is going, Forty years of having his wife ask the same question - and at the end, the mourners wondering too where he is going.

______________________________

Everyone in the wedding ceremony was watching the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle to give away to the groom. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand. Everyone in the room was wondering what was given to the father by the bride.

The father could feel the suspense in the air and all eyes were on him to divulge the secret and say something. So he announced :

'Ladies and Gentlemen. Today is the luckiest day of my life ...' Then he raised his hands with what his daughter gave him and continued, 'My daughter finally, finally returned my Credit Card to me.'

The whole audience including the priest started laughing . . . . . But not the poor Groom ! ! !

___________________________________

And now the Best for the Last . . . .

A Man was walking down a street when he heard a voice from behind, 'If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you.'

The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished. He went on, and after a while he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted, 'Stop ! Stand still ! If you take one more step a car will run over you, and you will die.'

The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.. The man asked. 'Who are you?'

'I am your guardian angel,' the voice answered.

'Oh, yeah?' the man said 'And where the hell were you when I got married?

Wife, Girlfriend, TV and Mobile

2011-12-13T20:01:00.000-08:00

A STUDY FROM A CLEVER PERSON:

NOTE :- A Wife is like a TV….. A Girlfriend is like a MOBILE

At home you watch TV….. but when you go out you take your MOBILE …...

When you have no money, you sell the TV….and when you have got money you change your MOBILE …..

Sometimes you enjoy TV…. but most of the time you play with your MOBILE …..

TV is free for life….but for the MOBILE …., if you don't pay, the services will be terminated….

TV is big, bulky and most of the time old…., But the MOBILE is cute, slim, curvy and very portable….

Operational costs for the TV are often acceptable….., but for the MOBILE …. it is often high and demanding….

TV has a remote…. MOBILE doesn't…..

MOBILE is a two-way communication (u talk and listen), but with the TV you MUST only listen ( whether you want to or not)

BUT !!! - Most Importantly:

TVs don't have viruses… but MOBILEs often do...

Body Parts That Don't Work !

2011-12-11T21:11:00.000-08:00

A man has 27 parts that don't work for him.

20 nails that don't nail
1 belly button that doesn't button
2 tits that don't milk
1 cock that doesn't crow
2 balls that don't bounce
1 ass that doesn't do any work

So, what are you women smiling at?

You have a pussy that doesn't catch mice!

E-Mails from a Jack Ass !!

2011-12-07T20:49:00.000-08:00

OK - got this mail and was too funny not to share. Kudos to the copywrite owner. Awesome stuff.

From Me to *********@**********.org:

Hey there!

I'm trying to get rid of a bunch of movies I've had since I was a kid. The movie stores won't take them, and it would be a shame for me to just throw them out. I'd love to pass them on to people who can enjoy them. Let me know if you are interested.
Mike

From Julia ****** to Me:

Mike - Which movies do you have and how much do you want for them?

From Me to Julia ******:

Julia,

Here is the full list:

Alvin and the Chipmunks
Alladin
Backdoor Creampies 2
Beauty and the Beast
Big Black Threesome
Fantasia
Finally 18 and Legal
The Lion King
Mattress Slaves 3
The Mighty Ducks
Toy Story
Wet Squirters 5

Please let me know which ones you want.
Thanks,
Mike

From Julia ****** to Me:

Mike...some of those titles are inappropriate.

From Me to Julia ******:

Julia,
Which titles are inappropriate?
Mike

From Julia ****** to Me:

I think you know which ones...

From Me to Julia ******:

Are you talking about Fantasia? I know, I thought it was a Vietnam war movie too. I assure you it has nothing to do with Asia and is completely appropriate for children. The only other title I think you are referring to as inappropriate is The Lion King, but I think you are confusing that with "The Scorpion King," the violent movie starring Dwayne Johnson. While the Lion King does have adult themes, it is nothing like The Scorpion King.

I hope this clears things up.
Mike

From Julia ****** to Me:

No...explain to me how these movies are for children??? Backdoor Creampies, Big Black Threesome, Finally 18 and Legal, Mattress Slaves 3, Wet Squirters 5. It sounds to me like you are trying to throw out your porn collection.

From Me to Julia ******:

Pornography? What a disgusting accusation! What kind of a person do you think I am? You have a really perverted mind if you think those movies are adult films. You've really never heard of those movies? Where was your childhood? I'll find the plot summaries for you.

Backdoor Creampies - Cindy, a little girl with big ambitions, decides to open a bakery in her parents kitchen - selling pies to children who come to her backyard. Cindy learns that running a business isn't all fun and games in this hilarious tale of entrepreneurship.

Big Black Threesome - Barry, Billy and Bernie are three lovable black bears who have zany adventures during their quest for honey.

Finally 18 and Legal - A coming of age story about a young girl who becomes an independent woman.

Mattress Slaves 3 - Part 3 of the shocking documentary about slave labor in the mattress industry of third world countries. (Acceptable for kids, and in my opinion, a necessity to educate them on some real world issues. I never bought a foreign mattress again after this eye-opener.)

Wet Squirters 5 - The Squirters gang is back again in this heartwarming tale about a group of whales who try to find their long lost father in a vast ocean of wet sea critters.

Once again, I hope this clears things up for you.
Mike

From Julia ****** to Me:

You expect me to believe that all of those movies simply have unfortunate titles? Nice try.

From Me to Julia ******:

Sorry to disappoint your sick mind Julia, but yes, they are all children's movies. So do you want them or not?
By the way, I just found 3 more movies to add to the collection I am offering:

Toy Story 2
James and the Giant Peach
Walt Disney's Double Penetration Cockblasts 3

Mike

From Julia ****** to Me:

Okay I've had enough of this. You are a nut.

From Me to Julia ******:

Think of the children, Julia. They will never get to enjoy these classic films because of you.

From Julia ****** to Me:

Go to hell.

What's More Important in your Life ?

2011-12-07T01:07:00.000-08:00

You some times do begin to wonder what people might perceive to be important in their lives.

Slap bang - YOU ARE WRONG !!!

See these !

Never Take Husbands to Supermarkets !

2011-11-30T20:42:00.000-08:00

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target (Supermarket Chain).

Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target:

Dear Mrs. White,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behaviour and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. White, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the atidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels on his chest.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, he yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a foetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

15. Took a box of condoms to the check out clerk and asked where the fitting room was? And last, but not least:

16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' - One of the clerks passed out.

Hope you understand our concerns

Signed - General Manager

The Following advert was on Mrs. White's patheway the next day !!

Funny Dear Santa Notes !

2011-11-29T04:43:00.000-08:00

This is for Christmas - enough is enough - Santa please stop the bull-shit and give me my presents that I thoroughly deserve !!!!

Or, is it that Santa treats us like Todlers ?

Irony of a Funny Suicide Death !

2011-11-24T03:58:00.000-08:00

Very Interesting Read !!!!!!

At the 1994 annual awards dinner given for Forensic Science, AFS President Dr Don Harper Mills astounded his audience with the legal complications of a bizarre death.

Here is the story:

On March 23, 1994 the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald Opus and concluded that he died from a shotgun wound to the head.

Mr Opus had jumped from the top of a ten-story building intending to commit suicide. He left a note to the effect indicating his despondency.

As he fell past the ninth floor his life was interrupted by a shotgun blast passing through a window, which killed him instantly.

Neither the shooter nor the deceased was aware that a safety net had been installed just below the eighth floor level to protect some building workers and that Ronald Opus would not have been able to complete his suicide the way he had planned.

"Ordinarily," Dr Mills continued, "A person who sets out to commit suicide and ultimately succeeds, even though the mechanism might not be what he intended, is still defined as committing suicide."

That Mr Opus was shot on the way to certain death, but probably would not have been successful because of the safety net, caused the medical examiner to feel that he had a homicide on his hands.

In the room on the ninth floor, where the shotgun blast emanated, was occupied by an elderly man and his wife. They were arguing vigorously and he was threatening her with a shotgun. The man was so upset that when he pulled the trigger he completely missed his wife and the pellets went through the window striking Mr Opus.

When one intends to kill subject "A" but kills subject "B" in the attempt, one is guilty of the murder of subject "B."

When confronted with the murder charge the old man and his wife were both adamant and both said that they thought the shotgun was unloaded. The old man said it was a long-standing habit to threaten his wife with the unloaded shotgun. He had no intention to murder her.

Therefore, the killing of Mr Opus appeared to be an accident; that is, if the gun had been accidentally loaded. The continuing investigation turned up a witness who saw the old couple's son loading the shotgun about six weeks prior to the fatal accident.

It transpired that the old lady had cut off her son's financial support and the son, knowing the propensity of his father to use the shotgun threateningly, loaded the gun with the expectation that his father would shoot his mother. Since the loader of the gun was aware of this, he was guilty of the murder even though he didn't actually pull the trigger.

The case now becomes one of murder on the part of the son for the death of Ronald Opus.

Now comes the exquisite twist. Further investigation revealed that the son was, in fact, Ronald Opus. He had become increasingly despondent over the failure Of his attempt to engineer his mother's murder. This led him to jump off the ten story building on March

23rd, only to be killed by a shotgun blast passing through the ninth story window.

The son had actually murdered himself.

So, the medical examiner closed the case as a suicide.

LOL !!

What to do after having sex !

2011-11-21T04:28:00.000-08:00

This is the most beautiful Love story ever !!

A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend.

After having great sex ... She spent the next hour just rubbing his testicles ...

Something she just loved to do.

As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her, "Why do you love doing that?"

Because ... She Replied ....

"I Really Miss Mine"

Funny Power of Observation !

2011-11-16T20:39:00.000-08:00

A practical example of how the human mind works: In the picture below, we will analyze what it represents to some groups of people. Read the review after the photo...

For young men, it's a nice ass. Only the most observant will define this as an ass crossing the street. The really observant will see the thong.

For older men, it is a respectable woman with a nice ass crossing the street.

The perverts will imagine her as a naked woman.

The wise men will ponder the presence of mind of the photographer in the face of such beauty and gratitude that it was shared with humanity.

ALSO !

For half of the women, this is an ordinary woman who should not have left home dressed that way.

The other half is wondering where she bought that blouse.

The wise women imagine the misery that this will be at age 50.

Children, the curious, and monks will probably notice a dog driving the taxi.

Don't be alarmed, I didn't see the dog either

Funny IT People !!

2011-11-15T21:35:00.000-08:00

Some might consider IT people specially software engineers geeks. Well, as much as them being geeks, they do provide us with great entertainment. See pics below - you can click on them for larger views.

Funny Indian Taxi Driver !!

2011-11-13T21:37:00.000-08:00

If you've ever had an Indian taxi driver you'll love this one...

A drunk woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi at Fortitude Valley in Brisbane.

The Indian driver opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman. He made no attempt to start the Cab.

"What's wrong with you Luv, haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?"

"I'll not be staring at you lady, I am telling you, that would not be proper, where I am coming from..."

"Well, if you're not bloody staring at me Luvie, what are you doing then?"

"Well, I am looking and looking, and I am thinking and thinking to myself, where is this lady keeping the money to be paying me?!"

Time Traveling in the Bar Joke

2011-11-07T19:14:00.000-08:00

Click on Below Image for better reading view

It turns out that there's a scientific and logical explanation for why people (mostly men) spend so much time in pubs and only get home in the early hours of the morning. The reason for this odd behavior is based on Einstein's famous Relativity Theory.

It works like this:

It is a well-known fact that the more you drink, the faster you move. After about 8 beers (or 4 double brandies & coke, etc), you're moving at close to the speed of light, and this is where Einstein enters the picture. According to his Relativity Theory, anybody moving at, or close to the speed of light, undergoes Time Dilation, i.e. time for you in the pub passes slower than for an observer outside the pub.

Complicated calculations have shown that the pub becomes a type of time machine:- for every half-hour spent inside the pub, something like two hours pass outside the pub. A typical situation is: "OK guys, it's 8 o'clock, I'm gonna surprise the family and get home early!!" However, the moment this person steps outside the pub, the time travel effect is negated by negative radiation from the environment, and he/she then goes:" Why is it so quiet?? OMG!!! It's half past one!! WHAT HAPPENED???!!??" .and the answer, of course, is Time Dilation!!

I've tried to explain this to outside observers, but so far nobody (except Fellow time travellers) have been able or willing to understand the sound Scientific basis of this phenomenon.

Please forward this to all your known time travellers - maybe we can prove this theory by sheer, overwhelming force of numbers.

Express you Views on New Facebook (FB) Layout !

2011-11-03T23:34:00.000-07:00

With the new look of Facebook, one could nothing but wonder what on earth Mister Mark Zack is up to.... Well here is our view !!!!

Seriously !!! don't you think it's so true ???? They have copied all others to bring to us the new Facebook !!

This future is not that far !!!

Funny Drinking Stories !

2011-10-26T05:09:00.000-07:00

"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink I feel shame. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes and dreams . If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
~ Jack Handy

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. "
~Frank Sinatra

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
~ Henny Youngman

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."
~ Stephen Wright

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!"
~ Brian O'Rourke

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
~ Benjamin Franklin

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."
~ Dave Barry

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

To some it 's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
~ Dave Howell

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers.

One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. Here's how it went:

"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

MAJOR WARNING - ALCOHOL MAY INFLUENCE YOU TO SEE UGLY GIRLS AS PRETTY.

Funny Definition on Globalization !

2011-10-19T22:38:00.000-07:00

A definition of globalization that I can understand and to which I now can relate:

Question:

What is the truest definition of Globalization?

Answer:

Princess Diana's death.

Question:

How come?

Answer :

English princess

with an

Egyptian boyfriend

crashes in

A French tunnel,

riding in a

German car

with a

Dutch engine,

driven by

A Belgian

who was

drunk on Scottish whisky,

followed closely by

Italian Paparazzi,

Japanese motorcycles,

treated by

An American doctor,

using

Brazilian medicines.

This post was originated Possibly by

A Jobless time wasting Indian,

using

American Bill Gates' technology,

and

you're probably reading this on your computer, that uses

Taiwanese chips, and a Korean monitor,

assembled by

Bangladeshi workers

in a

Singapore plant,

transported

by Pakistani truck drivers,

hijacked

by Indonesians,

unloaded by

Sicilian longshoremen,

and

trucked to you by Mexican illegals......

That, my friend, is Globalization !

Farmer and Pretty woman in Bar Joke !

2011-10-18T22:05:00.000-07:00

A chicken farmer went to a local bar.... Sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne..

The woman perks up and says, 'How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!'

What a coincidence' the farmer says. 'This is a special day for me.... I am celebrating'

This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!' says the woman.

'What a coincidence!' says the farmer! As they clinked glasses the man asked, 'What are you celebrating?'

'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!'

'What a coincidence,' says the man. 'I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.'

'That's great!' says the woman. 'How did your chickens become fertile?'

I used a different cock,' he replied.

The woman smiled and said, 'What a coincidence.'

Apple iphone 4 S and typo T9 errors !

2011-10-12T00:36:00.000-07:00

MORE TYPO ERRORS HERE

Well, how many times have you typed an SMS on your phone with the T9 on and it has given you words that made you roll over and laugh your A$$ off ?? Especiall yon new apple iphone.

Here are some typo errors that I got on mail which indeed will remind you of the mistakes you did and ensure that you have a good laugh. - Ok here we go - LONG funny Post

Apple 4S T9 typo error Sandra Sexy Dad caught cheating

epic typo error t9 on iphonenew apple i pod ipad iphone steve jobs free apple computers

get your new phone serviced and repaired by applelatest iphone designs nikia sony samsung galaxy tabs

daughter caught cheating to dad and momfunny t9 typo errors mesage from father to daughter mother to father grandmother girlfreind boy freind family

dad and mom about to fuck

MORE Errors Here !!!

http://barabare.blogspot.com/2011/05/funny-phone-t9-typo-errors.html

To Marry or Not ?

2011-10-10T01:20:00.000-07:00

An Absolutely brilliant calculation done by an Indian Mathematician !!!

It's true to all marriages around the world

WEDDING INVESTMENT

Considering Average 30 yrs of Marriage = INR 20,000,000.00

Marriage expenses

INR 30,000 Monthly expenditure.

INR 3,000 Wife's monthly maintenance.

RETURNS:

(In terms of SEX - afterall, we think it comes free all the time)

First 5 years Weekly 3 Times.

Next 5 years Weekly 1 Time.

Next 10 years Once in 15 days.

Next 10 years Once in a month.

TOTAL COST

1400 times sex in 30 years for an estimated expenditure of a whooping : INR 1,78,40,000.

+ (PLUS)

Opportunity cost on INR 20,00,000 spent on wedding at 7% for 40 years as per current Post-tax Fixed Deposit Interest rate is INR 2,98,48,915.68

TOTAL COST = 4,77,88,915.68 INR

Kindly Note:

A Man spends INR 34,135 for each time he has Sex with his Wife....!!!

CONCLUSION : Outsourcing is cheaper.

A whore of your choice costs MUCH Less

Funny Fill in the Blank Answer !

2011-10-04T21:14:00.000-07:00

If a girl faints !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

University aspirants were asked to fill in the blanks: "If a girl faints, we must first feel her pu_s_".

Those who wrote 'Pulse' became doctors . . . .

Those who wrote 'Purse' became investment bankers, lawyers and professional thieves . . . .

The rest like you and me were considered normal, and good enough to go straight into adult life ...

Mary at Church - Church Joke

2011-10-03T00:12:00.000-07:00

At the regular Sunday morning service, Rev Roberto announced that he was planning to leave for a larger church that would pay him more.

There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave, because he is so popular.

Colin, who owns several car dealerships stands up and proclaims, "If Rev Roberto stays, I will provide him with a new Mercedes every year and his wife with a Honda CRV, to transport their children!"

The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.

Daniel, a successful businessman and lawyer, stands and says, "If Rev Roberto will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary and establish a foundation to guarantee a free university education for his children!"

More sighs and loud applause....

Mary aged 68, stands and announces with a smile, "If Rev Roberto stays, I will provide sex!"

There is total silence....

Rev Roberto blushing and asks her: "Mary, you're a wonderful and holy lady. Whatever possessed you to say that?"

Mary's 70-year old husband Mike, is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replied,

"Well, I just asked my husband how we could help and he said: "Fuck him!''

A Funny Ghost Story !

2011-09-29T21:48:00.000-07:00

This story happened a while ago in Dublin , and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's true.

John Bradford , a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm. The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped. John , desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door... only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on.

The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of nowhere through the window, and turned the wheel. John , paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.

Shortly thereafter, John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength, he jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.

A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying and wasn't drunk.

Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark and stormy night.. They, like John , were also soaked and out of breath.

Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other.... 'Look Paddy......there's that freaking idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!'

Anger Management Tips - Funny !

2011-09-26T20:22:00.000-07:00

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I had forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying ‘Hello.’ I politely said, ‘This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?’

Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear

Get the right f***ing number!’ and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn’t believe that anyone could be so rude.When I tracked down Robyn ‘s correct number to call her, and after hanging up with her, I decided to call the ‘wrong’ number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled ‘You’re an asshole!’and hung up.

I wrote his number down with the word ‘asshole’ next to it, and put it in my desk drawer.

Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I’d call him up and yell, ‘You’re an asshole!’It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic ‘asshole’ calling would have to stop.

So, I called his number and said, ‘Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company, I’m calling to see if you’re familiar with our mobile Caller ID Program?’

He yelled ‘NO!’and slammed down the phone.

I quickly called him back and said, ‘That’s because you’re an asshole!’ and hung up.

AND THEN

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for.

I hit the horn and yelled that I’d been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a ‘For Sale ‘ sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had his number on speed dial,) I thought that I’d better call the BMW asshole, too.

I said, ‘Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?’

He said, ‘Yes, it is.’

I then asked, ‘Can you tell me where I can see it?’

He said as sweetly as he could,’Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax . It’s a yellow ranch style house and the car’s parked right out in front.’

I asked, ‘What’s your name?’ He said, ‘My name is Don Hansen,’
I asked, ‘When’s a good time to catch you, Don?’ He said, ‘I’m home every evening after five.’

I said, ‘Listen, Don, can I tell you something?’ He said, ‘Yes, of course you can?’

I said, ‘Don, you’re an asshole!’ Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.

Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call. Then I came up with an idea…

I called asshole #1.He said,’Hello.’ I said, ‘You’re an asshole!’ (But I didn’t hang up.)

He asked, ‘Are you still there?’

I said, ‘Yeah!’

He screamed, ‘Stop calling me’.

I said, ‘Make me,’

He asked,’Who are you?’

I said,’My name is Don Hansen.’

He said, ‘Yeah? Where do you live?’

I said, ‘Asshole, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax , a yellow ranch style home and I have a black Beamer parked in front.’

He said, ‘I’m coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers.’

I said, ‘Yeah, like I’m really scared, asshole,’ and hung up.

Then I called Asshole #2.

He said, ‘Hello?’

I said, ‘Hello, asshole,’

He yelled, ‘If I ever find out who you are…’

I said,’You’ll what?’

He exclaimed,’I'll kick your ass,’

I answered,’Well, asshole, here’s your chance.I’m coming over right now.’

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax , and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.Then I called Channel 7 News about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd in Fairfax .

I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax. I got there just in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew.

NOW I feel much better. Anger management really does work.

Funny Weird Questions that has no Answeres

2011-09-21T23:25:00.000-07:00

These definitly are Questions without answeres or the ones where you have to think more than twice prior to answering.

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard when he lives in the jungle without a razor?

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?

Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?

What is the speed of darkness?

Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up every two hours?

If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?

Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Did you ever stop and wonder........

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these pink dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?'

Who was the first person to say, 'See that chicken there... I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's bum.'

Why do toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their bum when they ask where the bathroom is?

Why does your Gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs !

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
(Stop singing and read on......)

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

Another Irish Joke !

2011-09-20T22:13:00.000-07:00

Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up.

Michael O'Connor looks around and asks, 'Oh, me boys, someone got to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?'

They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.

'Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me.'

Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers, and asks what he wants.

Gallagher declares, 'Your husband just lost $500, and is afraid to come home.'

'Tell him to drop dead!', says Murphy's wife..

'I'll go tell him.' says Gallagher.

Obama Joke - Ship Captain needing Change !

2011-09-19T00:10:00.000-07:00

There's an old sea story about a ship's Captain who inspected his sailors , and afterward told the first mate that his men smelled bad..

The Captain suggested perhaps it would help if the sailors would change underwear occasionally.

The first mate responded , "Aye , aye sir , I'll see to it immediately!"

The first mate went straight to the sailors berth deck and announced , "The Captain thinks you guys smell bad and wants you to change your underwear."

He continued , "Pittman , you change with Jones , McCarthy , you change with Witkowski , and Brown , you change with Schultz."

THE MORAL OF THE STORY:

Someone may come along and promise "Change", but don't count on things smelling any better.

List of rules for Women when Men Watch Sports !

2011-09-13T21:16:00.000-07:00

Extremely important advice and recommendations to be passed on to wives, girlfriends, fiancées, mothers, sisters, daughters, etc. (to all women in General)

These rules are to be communicated prior to the World Cup in September/October this year...

DEAR WOMEN

List of Rules (Read and print them)

1. From 9 Sep to October 2011, you should read the sports section of the newspaper so that you are aware of what is going on regarding the World Cup, and that way you will be able to join in the conversations. If you fail to do this, then you will be looked at in a bad way, or you will be totally ignored. DO NOT complain about not receiving any attention.

2.. During the World Cup, the television is mine, the VCR and DVD are all mine, at all times, without any exceptions. If you even take a glimpse of the remote control, you will lose it (your eye).

3. If you have to pass by in front of the TV during a game, I don't mind, as long as you do it crawling on the floor and without distracting me. If you decide to stand nude in front of the TV, make sure you put clothes on right after because if you catch a cold, I won't have time to take you to the doctor or look after you during the World Cup month.

4. During the games I will be blind, deaf and mute, unless I require a refill of my drink or something to eat. You are out of your mind if you expect me to listen to you, open the door, answer the telephone, or pick up the baby that just fell from the second floor....it won't happen.

5. It would be a good idea for you to keep at least 2 six packs in the fridge at all times, as well as plenty of things to nibble on, and please do not make any funny faces to my friends when they come over to watch the games. In return, you will be allowed to use the TV between 12pm and 3pm, unless they replay a good game that I missed during the day.

6. Please, please, please!! If you see me upset because one of my teams is losing, DO NOT say "get over it, it's only a game", or "don't worry, they'll win next time". If you say these things, you will only make me angrier and I will love you less. Remember, you will never ever know more about rugby than me and your so called "words of encouragement" will only lead to a break up or divorce.

7. You are welcome to sit with me to watch one game and you can talk to me during half time but only when the commercials are on, and only if the half time score is pleasing me. In addition, please note I am saying "one" game, hence do not use the World Cup as a nice cheesy excuse to "spend time together".

8. The replays of the tries are very important. I don't care if I have seen them or I haven't seen them, I want to see them again. Many times, and record them.

9. Tell your friends NOT to have any babies, or any other child related parties or gatherings that requires my attendance because:

a) I will not go,

b) I will not go, and

c) I will not go.

10. But, if a friend of mine invites us to his house on a Sunday to watch a game, we will be there in a flash.

11. The daily World Cup highlights show on TV every night is just as important as the games themselves. Do not even think about saying "but you have already seen this...why don't you change the channel to something we can all watch??", the reply will be: "Refer to Rule #2 of this list".

12. And finally, please save your expressions such as "Thank goodness the World Cup is only every 4 years".

I am immune to these words, because after this comes the 20 Twenty World Cup, etc etc.

Thank you for your cooperation,

A collection of funny Photographs and Sayings !

2011-09-08T21:55:00.000-07:00

This post is about funny angelina jolie picture and on how to make one of the most beautiful women on earth turn damn ugly

How a stupid body builder gets his grandma to take is picture

Making fun out of a innocent fat boy in a school class room

a news reader who truned out to be a whore just because of a silly spelling mistake
and a rock star looking church minister who preaches how to become a rock star and who to do drugs - trust me drugs would kill you but rock stars do take drugs and die young - wondefully stupid bastards !

Cheating Wife Funnies

2011-09-01T00:43:00.000-07:00

A Man get's a MMS message from his Freind with the following picture and text saying - "I am at your house. Having Loads of Fun. You should come here soon"

The Man is disgusted and angered about his wife's actions. He returns home immediately after work. Starts beating the wife.

The Wife askes "What have I done to deserve this?"

He shows the Picture to the Wife stating "I know what you were up to"

The Wife calmly zooms out the photograph and he sees this....

Then, She slaps the Husband and says "You Missed your Son's Birthday you misserable Squeek"

London Olympics 2012 - The Funny Side

2011-08-25T04:25:00.000-07:00

We got a rare opportunity to capture the British practicing for the London lympics in 2012 over the past few weeks. While the London olympic Mascots Wenlock and Mandeville (for Paralympics) looked ridiculous, the events included the Shotput, athletics, swimming and many more events.

Let's see the enthusiastic Londoners or basically Britishers practice for their Olympics. i am not sure how many of them will get selected to the 2012 English Olympic team though......

Judo Indeed will be a good Gold medal hope for the English

though i have my doubts about the Weight lifting Category - I would say Not enough weight !!

Nevermind the Shot, the Put looks as small as an English dick !!

I wouldn't mind catching a diving British Whore !!

The British indeed know how to create Hurdles than Jump over them.

I would seriosuly like to see this guy at the Olympics of London 2012

Funny How Things Change as I grow Up !

2011-08-24T22:24:00.000-07:00

When I was a KID:

Sex meant GENDER,

Pussy meant CAT,

Cock meant ROOSTER,

Chick meant YOUNG BIRD,

Bitch was a FEMALE DOG,

Dick was a NAME,

BJ was a NICK-NAME,

Bang was a SOUND,

Rubber was just like PLASTIC,

Ass was an ANIMAL,

Screw was just a NUT,

69 was just a number

Tit was a SNACK,

but things are complicated these days!!!"

Doctor Patient Joke Cockeyed !

2011-08-17T03:18:00.000-07:00

A young woman visited her eye doctor complaining of failing eyesight. The doctor sat her in front of a standard eye chart.

Doctor: "Can you read the bottom line?"

Girl: "No."

"Can you read the center line?"

"No."

"Can you read the large top line?"

"No. "

"Can you even see the chart?"

"No."

The doctor is clearly frustrated and whips his penis out of his pants. "Can you see this?"

"Of course!"

"Well, there's your problem - you're cock-eyed!"

Funny King Arthur Story !

2011-08-12T01:29:00.000-07:00

This is quite interesting and very funny ...... And so true!!! Take time off to read till the end ....

(To women) Please take time to ponder.....

(To men) Just enjoy the story......

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom.. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.

The question was: What do women really want?

Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man. And to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end. He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men, and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer. Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer. But the price would be high as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but first he would have to agree to her price. The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble o f the Knights of the Round Table, and Arthur's closest friend! Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunch-backed and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.. He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden.

But Lancelot, having learnt of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life. And the reservation of the Round Table. Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered.

Arthur's question thus: 'What a woman really wants?'

She said, 'A woman wants to be in charge of her own life.'

Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth, and that Arthur's life would be spared. And so it was.

The neighbouring monarch granted Arthur his freedom. And Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.

The honeymoon hour app roached and, Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen was sitting by the bed.

The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened. The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth become her horrible and deformed self only half the time, and be the beautiful maiden the other half.

'Which would you prefer?' She asked him. 'Beautiful during the day.... or at night?'

Lancelot pondered the predicament.

During the day he could have a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch!

Or,

would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day?

But by night a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous moments with?

(If you are a man reading this...) What would YOUR choice be?

(If you are a woman reading this...) What would YOUR MAN'S choice be?

And Lancelot's choice is given below...

BUT... please make YOUR choice first before you scroll down below... OKAY?

Knowing the answer the witch gave to Arthur for his question, Sir Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.

Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time.. Because, he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.

Now... what is the moral to this story? (This is the funny Part)

The moral is...

1) There is 'witch' in every woman, no matter how beautiful she is !

2) If you don't let a woman have her own way, things are going to get ugly !

So, be careful how you treat a woman and always remember IT IS EITHER ' HER WAY ' OR IT IS ' NO WAY '

Funny English Cricketers !!

2011-08-11T00:42:00.000-07:00

Just love English cricket!

The thinnest guy on the team is called Broad,

The ugliest - Swann,

The guy that fields behind is called Prior,

The guy whose father is John is called Peterson,

The guy whose father is Luke is called Anderson,

The slowest fielder is Trott; and then they got one right--

The dumbest guy is called Bell.

Most importantly, Half the Guys are Either South African or Irish
God Save the Queen !!!
That's English!!

Think About It.

Sales Lady Playing Golf !

2011-07-31T20:56:00.000-07:00

JUST for LAUGH

A guy was playing golf one day and he got lost. He saw a lady up ahead of him and went to her and said, "Can you please help me, I don't know what Hole I'm on."

She told him "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 7; you're on 6." He thanked her and continued playing golf.

Later, he got lost again. He saw the same lady and went to her again kind of embarrassed. "I'm sorry to bother you again but I'm lost; can you please tell me what hole I'm on."

She told him, "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 14; you are on 13."

Again, he thanked her and continued playing golf.

When he finished he saw her in the clubhouse. He went up to her and asked if he could buy her a drink for helping him out. She accepted. As they were drinking and talking, he asked her what she did for a living.

"I am in sales," she said.

He replied, "No kidding; so am I ! "What do you sell?"

She responded that it was too embarrassing to tell; but after he kept pleading to know what she sold, she finally said that she would tell him if he promised not to laugh. He promised.

She said, "I sell sanitary napkins."

He immediately fell to the floor laughing hysterically.

She said, "You promised you wouldn't laugh".

He replied (still with tears in his eyes), "I'm sorry, but I couldn't help it. I sell toilet paper..... I am still one Hole behind you!."

Best of husband and wife Jokes !

2011-07-28T23:53:00.000-07:00

01.Husband: I divorced my wife on the first night.

Friend: Why?

Husband: I saw the label on her panty, "Tested OK by Calvin Klien."

02. Husband: Ya, my wife is very scared of water!

Friend: How did you know?

Husband: When I got home twice, I saw her having a bath with the security guard.

03.The nurse was taking a blood sample from the Husband. She held his finger and squeezed it for blood. So Husband laughed and Wife was all upset.

Nurse: Why did you laugh?

Husband: Because it's the urine test next!

04. Husband & wife were having dinner together.

Wife: Darling, tell me something that would make me both happy & sad.

Husband: Your nipples R better than your sister's!

05. On the first night of the marriage the husband gives the wife Rs.5000/= and says

"I have never done this for free". The

wife returns Rs.2000/= and says

"I have not charged more than this before!".

Funny Sayings, Proverbs and Profound Statements !

2011-07-27T22:29:00.000-07:00

Wisdom in Profound Truths.....!

Sex is the only activity where you start at the top and work your way to the bottom, while getting a raise.

Good friends are like condoms; they protect you when things get hard.

Without nipples, breasts would be pointless.

Masturbation is like procrastination, it's all good and fun until you realize you are only screwing yourself.

Without a doubt, women are the foundation stone of society; but always remember who laid them!!!

Money is just like an arse .. everybody has it, but ... nobody wants to give it !!!

Men play the game. Women know the score.

Wives are funny creatures .... Wives don't have sex with their husbands for weeks and then they want to kill the woman who does.!?!?

This is the most profound statement !

Whenever you feel low, depressed or useless, remember that you have the same sperm that won a battle against a millions of others.

The most enjoyable form of sex education is the Braille method.

Here is the definition of divorce ... She gets the ring and the man gets the finger!!!

Mahatma Gandhi says..........'man who puts his hand in the bush is not always a gardener!!!'.

Funny Grandma's Letter to Grand Daughter - Hawaiian Good Luck Sign

2011-07-25T02:18:00.000-07:00

Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes:

Dear Granddaughter,

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a 'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker.

I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting. So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper. Boy, am I glad I did! What an uplifting experience followed.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed. I found that lots of people love Jesus!

While I was sitting there, the guy behind me started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of God!' - 'Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'

What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!

Everyone started honking! I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love !

There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach.

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.

I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant. He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back.

My grandson burst out laughing. Why, even he was enjoying this religious experience!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on through the intersection.

I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared.

So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!

Will write again soon.

Love, Grandma

Honorable Men !

2011-07-22T01:20:00.000-07:00

OK here is a Must Read for Every Man and of course Woman (to understand man)

If a female is reading this article then just realize the value of a man; and if its a male then feel proud of after reading it!

"One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river. When he cried out, an angel appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?"

The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water, and he needed the axe to make his living.

The angel went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe. "Is this your axe?" the angel asked.

The woodcutter replied, "No."

The angel again went down and came up with a silver Axe. "Is this your axe?" the angel asked.

Again, the woodcutter replied, "No."

The angel went down again and came up with an iron Axe. "Is this your axe?" the angel asked.

The woodcutter replied, "Yes."

The angel was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.

Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank, and his wife fell into the river. When he cried out, the angel again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?"

"Oh angel, my wife has fallen into the water!"

The angel went down into the water and came up with ANGELINA JOLIE

"Is this your wife?" the angel asked.

"Yes," cried the woodcutter.

The angel was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"

The woodcutter replied, "Oh, forgive me, my angle. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to ANGELINA JOLIE, You would have come up with CAMERON DIAZ. Then if I said 'no' to her, you would have come up with my wife . Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Angel, I am a poor man, and am not able to take care of all three wives, so THAT'S why I said yes to ANGELINA JOLIE ."

The moral of this story is: Whenever a man lies, it is for a good and honorable reason, and for the benefit of others.

Another funny GOD joke !

2011-07-21T03:14:00.000-07:00

GOD speaks out :- "I want the men to form two queues. One queue for men who had control over their women and the other one for the men who were controlled by their women.

Also, I want all the women to go away so that no man and woman can talk.

God returns, the women are gone, and there are two queues.

The queue for men who were controlled by their women is 10 miles long, and in the queue for men who had control over their women there is only one man.

God is flabbergasted and says, " All you men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image, and you were all controlled by your women. Only one of my sons stood up and made me proud. Learn from him!"

"Tell them, my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this queue?"

The man replies, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here.”

Don't step on the ducks in heaven !

2011-07-19T01:13:00.000-07:00

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, 'We only have one rule here in heaven - Don't step on the ducks!'

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place.

It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.

St. Peter chains them together and says, 'Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!'

The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing.
With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.

She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but, one day St.Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on.... Very tall, long eyelashes, muscular.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The happy woman says, 'I wonder what I did to deserve being Chained to you for all of eternity?'

The guy says, 'I don't know about you, But I stepped on a Duck !!!!!!!!!!

Irony of Men - How god created Man to live long.

2011-07-17T22:12:00.000-07:00

On the first day, God created the dog and said:

'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'

The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?'

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said:

'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.'

The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?'

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said:

'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.'

The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years.. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created humans and said:

'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.'

But the human said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'

'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family.. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren.. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Funny Office Documentation

2011-07-14T23:38:00.000-07:00

See How people write leave Applications. It's murder of English language. But Too Funny. Just Read It. The Leave Applications.................

"Since I have to go to my village to sell my land along with my wife, please sanction me one-week leave."

-------------------------

"as I want to shave my son's head, please leave me for two days.."

------------------------

"as I am marrying my daughter, please grant a week's leave.."

-----------------------

"As my mother-in-law has expired and I am only one responsible for it, please grant me 10 days leave."

------------------------

"Since I've to go to the cremation ground at 10 o-clock and I may not return, please grant me half day casual leave"

------------------------

"I am suffering from fever, please declare one-day holiday."

------------------------

"As I am studying in this school I am suffering from headache. I request you to leave me today"

------------------------

"As my headache is paining, please grant me leave for the day."

------------------------

• Covering note: "I am enclosed herewith..."

------------------------

"Dear Sir: with reference to the above, please refer to my below..."

-----------------------

"My wife is suffering from sickness and as I am her only husband at home I may be granted leave".

-----------------------

Letter writing:- "I am well here and hope you are also in the same well."

-------------------------

A candidate's job application:

"This has reference to your advertisement calling for a ' Typist and an Accountant - Male or Female'... As I am both(!! )for the past several years and I can handle both with good experience, I am applying for the post. "

Maria the Latino Servant !

2011-07-10T22:21:00.000-07:00

Maria - A Sexy Latino Servant in a Posh American neigbourhood asked for a pay increase from the rich Housewife who has employed her.

The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.

She asked:

'Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?'

Maria: 'Well, Mam, there are THREE REASONS why I want an increase.

The first is that I iron better than you.'

Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?'

Maria: 'Your husband say so.'

Wife: 'Oh.'

Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.

Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you are a better cook than me?'

Maria: 'Your husband did.'

Wife: 'Oh.

Maria: 'The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in bed.

Wife: (really furious now) 'Ah! Did my husband say that as well?'

Maria: 'No Mam... Your driver says'.

Wife: 'Ok Ok, So how much do you want?

Funny Love Letter from a Computer Programer !

2011-07-05T01:18:00.000-07:00

Ultimate Love Letter by a Computer Programer !!!

Sweetheart ,I`ve seen you yesterday while surfing on the local train platform and realized that you are the only site I was browsing for. For a long time I`ve been lonely; this has been the bug in my life and you can be a real debugger for me now.

My life is an uncompiled program without you, which never produces an executable code and hence is useless. You are not only beautiful by face but all your ActiveX controls are attractive as well.Your smile is so delightful. It encourages me and gives me power equal to thousands of mainframes processing power.

When you looked at me last evening, I felt like all my program modules are running smoothly and giving expected results. /*which I never experienced before.*/ With this letter, I just want to convey to you that if we are linked together, I¡¯ll provide you all objects & libraries necessary for a human being to live an error free life.

Also don`t bother about the firewall which may be created by our parents as I¡¯ve strong hacking capabilities by which I`ll ultimately break their security passwords and make them agree for our marriage. I anticipate that nobody has already logged in to your database so that my connect script will fail. And its all but certain that if this happened to me, my system will crash beyond recovery. Kindly interpret this letter properly and grant me all privileges of your inbox. Error free...

Regards,
Software Programmer
Today This company - Tomorrow That Company - But always want ur company!

Error! Filename not specified.

More Husband and Wife Funny Jokes !!

2011-07-04T01:54:00.000-07:00

Why are wives more dangerous than the Mafia?

The mafia wants either ur money or life...

The wives want both!

=================================

Marriage is like a public toilet.

Those waiting outside are desperate to get in &

Those inside are desperate to come out.

=================================

No Man Can Ever Be Satisfied with 4 things in life.

(1) Mobile

(2) Automobile

(3) TV

(4) Wife

Because there is always a better model in neighborhood.

================================

Searching these keywords on Google `How to tackle wife?`

Google search result, `Good day sir, Even we are searching`.

=================================

Compromising does not mean you are wrong and your wife is right. It only means that the safety of your head is much more important than your ego!

=================================

Imagine living with 3 wives in one compound and never leaving the house for 5 years. Osama Bin Laden must have called the US Navy Seals himself!

=================================

Whisky is a brilliant invention. One double and you start feeling single again.

=================================

A friend recently explained why he refuses to get married. He says the wedding rings look like miniature handcuffs.

=================================

It is said that when a woman closes her eyes, she sees the person she love the most; and when a man does that... the slide show begins.

=================================

It takes thousand workers 2 build a castle, Million soldiers to protect a country, but just One woman to make a Happy Home --------- A Good Maid!

The Boy Who is too Smart to be in the 1st Garde !

2011-06-26T22:44:00.000-07:00

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, 'Trevor, what's your problem?'

Trevor answered,'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Trevor to the principal's office.

While Trevor waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Trevor was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?'
Trevor : '9.'

Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?'
Trevor : '36.'

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know. The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Trevor can go to the 3rd grade.'

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions.'

The principal and Trevor both agreed.

Ms.. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'
Trevor, after a moment: 'Legs.'

Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Trevor replied: 'Pockets.'

Ms.Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'
Trevor : 'Pants.'

Ms.Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?'
Trevor: 'Coconut.'

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Trevor replied, 'Bubble gum.'
Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'
Trevor : 'Shake hands.'

The principal was trembling.
Ms.Brooks:'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'
Trevor : 'Firetruck.'

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher,

'Put Trevor in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong......'

Bubble in the Bath Tub !

2011-06-23T02:47:00.000-07:00

A new lady teacher came to teach 8th standard students.

As it was the first day, she gave her intro, and asked all the students to Introduce themselves with name and hobby.

She said, " Let's start with the boys first." Boys start giving their intro... First boy: "My name is John, and my hobby is to see bubble in the bathtub.

" Teacher was confused to listen but said, "Interesting. Well, Ok. In fact, we must be honest in telling the hobby. And after all there is essentially a child in each of us. So it's ok John.

Yes next." Second boy: "Myself Peter and my hobby is to see bubble in the bathtub." Teacher now got surprised and said, "Good.I like the spirit of supporting a friend.

Ok next. " Third boy: "I'm Smith and my hobby is to see bubble in the bathtub." Teacher: "Guys are you joking or what? Please be sincere. Ok next." This continues... and the last boy stands up "I'm Harry and my hobby is to see bubble in the Bathtub. " Exhausted, the teacher said, "I don't think I will be able to teach un-grown boys for long.

Anyway, now the girls please. " First girl: "I'm Julie and my hobby is to see birds." Teacher: "Good. At last I got something different. Ok next." Second girl: "I'm Ruby and I like to collect perfumes." Teacher "Now it's like educated grown up girls. Ok next. You sweet girl; Yes you... " Most beautiful girl of the class: "Madam, my name is 'Bubble', and my hobby is to take bath three times a day." Teacher Fainted!!! "

Husband and Wife Funny Joke !

2011-06-20T21:08:00.000-07:00

A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the Head with a frying pan.

'What was that for?' the man asked..

The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'.

The man then said 'When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on'

The wife apologized and went on with the housework.

Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.

Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.

Wife replied. 'Your horse phoned!’

Chinese Joke - Woman in Laundry

2011-06-17T06:55:00.000-07:00

A woman was unhappy with the way her laundry was done at the local Chinese Laundry, so she wrote a note and put it in the bag with the next collection of soiled clothes:

'USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!'

She got the clean laundry back, and was still dissatisfied with the results, so, the following week she enclosed another note:

'USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!'

The Chinese laundry man became very annoyed, and when her clean Laundry was delivered, it contained a note from him:

'I USE PLENTY SOAP ON PANTIES!

USE MORE PAPER ON ASS!'

The Naked Prostitutes in a Garage Sale

2011-06-15T23:40:00.000-07:00

One day, while going to the shop, I passed by a retirement village. On the front lawn were six old ladies, lying naked on the grass.

I thought this was a bit unusual, but continued on my way.

On my return trip, I passed the same retirement village with the same six old ladies lying naked on the lawn.

This time my curiosity got the better of me and I went inside to talk to the retirement village Administrator, and asked her?

Do you know there are six ladies lying naked on your front lawn?

Yes,' she said, "aren't they darlings?

They're retired prostitutes - they're having a garage sale.

When to Quit ??? Know When to !

2011-06-15T23:39:00.000-07:00

A swift lesson in management

A guy had his member 25-inch long, fed up he went to a doctor and said, I can't live with this anymore! It's too long."

The doctor replied, "I can't do anything for you, but if you see the witch doctor in the woods, she can help you."

So,he went into the jungle and saw the witch doctor.

The witch doctor said, "Go into the swamp and you will find a female frog there. Ask her to marry you..she'll say "No".. and you'll lose 5 inches off your member!"

So, he went to the swamp and found the frog and asked her,"Will you marry me?"

"No!", she said and He lost 5 inches off his member!

The guy liked the results, and thought, 20 inches is just too much. So he asked the frog again, "Will you marry me?"

The frog said,"No!" and the guy lost another 5 inches.

He thought, God, 15 inches is great! But 10 inches would just be perfect. So he asked again, "Will you marry me?"

And the frog said, "How many time do I have to tell you . .. NO! NO! NO!"

Moral : Know When to Quit!

Today's Generations

2011-06-08T21:24:00.000-07:00

Six year old boy to a four year old boy: Dude, I found a Condom in the balcony.

Four year old boy: What's a balcony ?

___________________________________________________________

Everything on a woman's upper body starts with a "B" - Ex. Blouse, Bra, Bikini , Boobs.
& the lower body with a "P" - Ex Petticoat, Pants, Panties, Pussy.

No wonder men suffer from high BP (Blood Pressure) !!

____________________________________________________________

A girlfriend sends the following msg;

My love.............
If ur sleeping; send me ur dreams
If ur smiling; send me ur smile
If ur crying; send me ur tears
I love u......

He replied;

I'm in the toilet
What do i send..........?

Husband Teaching Wife to fry Eggs !

2011-06-06T20:56:00.000-07:00

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs 4 her husband.

Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW ! We need more butter. Oh my GOD ! WHERE r we going 2 get MORE BUTTER? They're going 2 STICK ! Careful . CAREFUL ! I said be CAREFUL! U NEVER listen 2 me when u're cooking ! Never !

Turn them! Hurry up! r u CRAZY ? Have u LOST ur mind ? Don't forget 2 salt them. You know u always forget that. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT !

The wife stared at him. "What is wrong with you? You think I don't know how 2 fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted 2 show you what it feels like when I'm driving." ;->

Old Men should not Marry Young Gals !

2011-06-06T00:33:00.000-07:00

He's 80, she's 20.

It was the stir of the town when an 80 year old man married a 20 year old girl.

After a year of marriage she went into the hospital to give birth. The nurse came out to congratulate the fellow saying:

"This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?"

He answered, "You got to keep the old motor running."

The following year the young bride gave birth again.

The same nurse said: "You're amazing. How do you do it?"

He again said: "You've got the keep the old motor running."

The same thing happened the next year. The nurse then said:

"Well, well, well! !! You certainly are quite a man!"

He responded again, "You've got to keep that old motor running"

The nurse said:

"Well, you better change the oil. This one's black."

The Flower Show and Old Ladies

2011-06-01T19:49:00.000-07:00

Two little old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress. The older one leaned over and said, ''Life is so boring. We never have any fun anymore. For $10.00 I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid, boring flower show!''

''You're on!'' said the other old lady, holding up a $10.00 note.

The first little old lady slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes and completely naked, streaked (as fast as an old lady can) through the front door of the flower show.

Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause and shrill whistling.

Finally, the smiling and naked old lady came through the exit door surrounded by a cheering, clapping crowd.

''What happened?'' asked her waiting friend.

''I won $1000 as 1st prize for 'Best Dried Arrangement'.''

Migrating to Australia the Funny Way !

2011-06-01T00:41:00.000-07:00

A China-man decides to retire and move to Australia after 50 years of living in Shanghai.

He bought a small piece of land . A few days after moving in, the friendly Aussie neighbour decides to go across and welcome the new guy to the region. He goes next door but on his way up the drive-way he sees the China-man running around his front yard chasing about 10 hens. Not wanting to interrupt these 'Chinese customs', he decides to put the welcome on hold for the day.

The next day, he decides to try again, but just as he is about to knock on the front door, he looks through the window and sees the China-man urinate into a glass and then drink it. Not wanting to interrupt another 'Chinese custom', he decides to put the welcome on hold for yet another day.

A day later he decides to give it one last go, but on his way next door, he sees the China man leading a bull down the drive-way, ...pause...., and then put his left ear next to the bull's butt. The Aussie bloke can't handle this, so he goes up to the China man and says, 'Jeez Mate, what the hell is it with your Chinese customs?

I come over to welcome you to the neighbourhood, and see you running around the yard after hens. The next day you are pissing in a glass and drinking it, and then today you have your head so close to that bull's butt, it could just about shit on you.'

The China-man is very taken back and says, 'Sorry sir, you no understand, these no ... Chinese customs I doing, these Australian Customs.'

'What do you mean mate' says the Aussie, 'Those aren't Australian customs.'

Yes they are, man at travel agent tell me' replied the China-man,

'He say to become true Australian, I must learn to..... chase chicks, ..... get piss drunk, and .... listen to bull-shit.'

Crazy Lawyer Jokes

2011-05-23T03:38:00.001-07:00

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court,

word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place...

______________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?

WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget.

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter

has ever been involved in voodoo?

WITNESS: We both do.

ATTORNEY: Voodoo?

WITNESS: We do..

ATTORNEY: You do?

WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, "isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?

WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.

___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS: Are you shitting me?

_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

WITNESS: Getting laid

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?

WITNESS: Yes..

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

WITNESS: None.

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney.

Can I get a new attorney?

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: By death.

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

WITNESS: Take a guess.

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about 20, medium height, and had a beard..

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.

_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK?

What school did you go to?

WITNESS: Oral.

_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

ATTORNEY: And, Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

______________________________________

And the best for last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No .

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

The Husband Store !

2011-05-22T22:47:00.000-07:00

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors & the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.' So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!' Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex & have money & like beer.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

Funny Weather Report !

2011-05-18T21:48:00.000-07:00

This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks.

What happens when you predict snow but don't get any !

We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked:

"So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?'

Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!

Royal Wedding Funnies !

2011-05-16T02:38:00.000-07:00

OK - click on images for larger readable versions !!

So, WTF, the king to be got married !!

Only issue is that he chose to borrow Michael Jackson's costume as his wedding attire. So much more happened at the weeding and our good camera crews did not forget to capture them, nor, those with good sense of humour let go of those moments - here they are !!

And both of them just couldn't wait to get to the Hotel room - they just had to do it in the Balcony !!

How Men and Women See Colours and a Bar Joke

2011-05-12T00:27:00.000-07:00

A guy is out with his buddies. He has a few drinks, gets in the mood but true to his wife goes home. When he gets home he finds her sound asleep in bed with her mouth wide open. He gets two aspirin and drops them into her mouth.

Of course, she chokes but recovers and asks, "What did you put in my mouth??"

He says, "Two aspirin".

She replies, "BUT I DON'T HAVE A HEADACHE"!!!

He says, "That's what I wanted to hear."

Click on Below Image for a larger readable version

Husband and Wife Joke - Making Phone Calls

2011-05-11T00:04:00.000-07:00

"A Husband and his wife agreed that anytime they want to have sex, they will call it a 'PHONE CALL' so that the kids will not decode.

One day, the husband sent his son to tell his mother that he wants to make a phone call.

Mother replies: Tell your father that the Network is bad today.

Husband: Tell your mother that if there is no Network at home, I will go to the "Public Phone".

Wife sent back, tell your father that if he dares goes to a Public Phone, then I will open a " Call Center " at home."

Funny Phone T9 Typo Errors

2011-05-10T00:17:00.000-07:00

Well, how many times have you typed an SMS on your phone with the T9 on and it has given you words that made you roll over and laugh your A$$ off ?? Especiall yon new apple iphone.

Here are some typo errors that I got on mail which indeed will remind you of the mistakes you did and ensure that you have a good laugh. - Ok here we go - LONG funny Post !

CLICK HERE FOR THE LATEST T9 TYPO ERRORS

CLICK HERE FOR THE LATEST T9 TYPO ERRORS

CLICK HERE FOR THE LATEST T9 TYPO ERRORS

CLICK HERE FOR THE LATEST T9 TYPO ERRORS

http://barabare.blogspot.com/2011/10/apple-iphone-4-s-and-typo-t9-errors.html

Osama Bin Laden Burial at Sea !

2011-05-08T21:26:00.000-07:00

WARNING !!!!!

Contains extremly graphical photographs

Not for the fiant hearted.

Osama bin Laden Fans, please refrain from scrolling down

Was taken on board the US Navy Air Craft carrier by a Navy Seal using his Camera Phone

WARNING AGAIN - Do NOT scrol down if you think you cannot handle it !!!!!