Do it twice ?

A very loud, unattractive, mean, nasty woman walked into Wal-Mart with  her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. The Wal-Mart greeter said pleasantly "Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Hell no they ain't. The oldest one's 9 and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you  blind, or just stupid?"

"I'm  neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am," replied the greeter. "I just couldn't believe someone would fuck you twice."

____________________________________________

A man went hunting one day in Scotland and bagged three ducks. He put them in the bed of his truck and was about to drive home when he was confronted by an ornery game warden who didn't like the fact he was a good gunman. The game warden ordered the man to show his hunting license, and he pulled out a valid Scottish hunting license.

The game warden looked at the license, then reached over and picked up one of the ducks, sniffed its Butt and said, "This duck ain't from Scotland. This is a Welsh duck. You got a Welsh hunting' license, lad?"

The man reached into his wallet and produced a Welsh hunting license. The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second duck, sniffed its Butt, and said "This ain't no Welsh duck. This duck's from Ireland. You got an Irish license?"

The man reached into wallet and produced an Irish hunting license. The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck, sniffed its Butt, and said, "This ain't no Irish duck. This here duck's from England. You got an English huntin' license?"

Again the man reached into his wallet and brought out an English hunting license. The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled at the man "Just where the hell are you from???!!!"

At this point the man turned around, bent over, dropped his pants, and said, "You tell me, you're the expert."

A collection of Funnies !!

Defense Attorney:

Will you please state your age?

Little Old Lady:

I am 94 years old.

Defense Attorney:

Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?

Little Old Lady:

There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney:

Did you know him?

Little Old Lady:

No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney:

What happened after he sat down?

Little Old Lady:

He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney:

Did you stop him?

Little Old Lady:

No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney:

Why not?

Little Old Lady:

It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney:

What happened next?

Little Old Lady:

He began to rub my breasts.

Defense Attorney:

Did you stop him then?

Little Old Lady:

No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney:

Why not?

Little Old Lady:

His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney:

What happened next?

Little Old Lady:

Well, by then, I was feeling so 'spicy' that I just laid down and told him 'Take me, young man. Take me now!'

Defense Attorney:

Did he take you?

Little Old Lady:

Hell, no! He just yelled, ' April Fool!' And that's when I shot him, the little bastard

_____________________________________________

Wife goes to Woolworths, sees men's underwear on sale. She buys a dozen of the same colour. Goes home and gives hubby. 

Hubby protests, "Why buy me the same colour? People will think I do not change underwear!! 

Wife asks,”Which people?"

_________________________________________

A man was walking on the beach one day and he found a bottle half buried in the sand.He decided to open it. Inside was a genie.

The genie said," I will grant you three wishes and three wishes only." 

The man thought about his first wish and decided, "I think I want 1 million dollars transferred to a Swiss bank account. POOF! 

Next he wished for a Ferrari red in color. POOF! There was the car sitting in front of him. 

He asked for his final wish, " I wish I was irresistible to women." POOF! He turned into a box of chocolates.

___________________________________________

A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a fancy dress party. He doesn't know what to wear to hide his bald head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem.

A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:

Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a Pirate.
 
The man is offended that the outfit emphasizes his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint. A week passes and he receives another parcel and note:

Dear Sir,

Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part.

The man is really incandescent with rage now because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head. So he writes a really strong letter of complaint. A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter:

Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup. We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your arse and go as a toffee apple!!!!

Courage is a joke ?

Pictorial Definition of Courage !!!!!!!!!!!!

A few Short Answers that needs courage to tell others !

  

Q: Why men walk more and women talk more?

A: Coz men have three legs and women have four lips! _________________________

Wives r Incoming Calls

Lovers r Outgoing Calls

Aunties r Tollfree Calls

Callgirls r Roaming Calls

Neighbour Girls r Missed Calls

_________________________

A man stands nude in front of a mirror n examines himself n says: 2 inches more & I'll be a king.

His wife sitting behind says: 2 inches less & you'll be a queen.

_________________________

 

Why do women wear flowered panties?

A: Cuz its their way of saying, 'In memory of those who were buried here!

_________________________

  

3 guys were introduced 2 a girl,

Guy 1: Hi I'm Peter not a saint,

Guy 2: Hi I'm Paul not a pope,

Guy 3: I'm john not a baptist,

the girl said – “Hi I'm Mary not a virgin!”

_________________________

   

Wife asked her husband how many women he had slept with.

Husband proudly replies, only you darling, with others I was awake!!!

The sexual Experience !

Women are chatting in office.

Woman 1: I had sex last night, did you?

Woman 2: Yes.

Woman 1: Was it good?

Woman 2: No, it was a disaster... My husband came home, ate his dinner in three minutes, got on top of me, finished having sex in five minutes, rolled over and fell asleep in two minutes. How was yours?

Woman 1: Oh it was amazing! My husband came home and took me out to a romantic dinner. After dinner we walked for an hour. When we came home he lit the candles around the house and we had an hour of foreplay. We then had an hour long session of fantastic sex and after wards talked for an hour. It was like a fairytale!

At the same time, their husbands are talking at work.

Husband 1: You wanted sex last night, how was it?

Husband 2: Great. I came home, dinner was on the table, I ate, screwed my wife and fell asleep. It was great!  What about you?

Husband 1: It was horrible. I came home, there's no dinner because they cut the electricity because I hadn't paid the bill; so I had to take my wife out to dinner which was so expensive that I didn't have money left for a cab. We had to walk home which took an hour – and when we got home remember there was no electricity so I had to light fucking candles all over the house! I was so angry that I couldn't get it up for an hour and then I couldn't come for another hour. After I finally did, I was so aggravated that I couldn't fall asleep and my wife was jabbering away for another hour!

Coming from Ireland

Mrs.   Donovan was walking  down O'Connell  Street in Dublin when she  met up with Father  Flaherty.

The  Father said, 'Top o' the  mornin' to  ye!   Aren't ye Mrs. Don ovan and  didn't I marry ye and yer hoosband  two years ago?'

She  replied, 'Aye, that ye did,  Father.' The  Father asked, 'And be  there any  wee little ones yet?'

She  replied, 'No, not yet,  Father.' The  Father said, 'Well now,

I'm  going to Rome  next week and  I'll light a candle for  ye

and  yer hoosband.'

She  replied, 'Oh, thank ye,  Father.' They  then parted ways.

Some  years later they met  again. The  Father asked, 'Well now, Mrs.   Don ovan, how are ye these  days?' 

She  replied, 'Oh, very well,  Father!' 

The  Father asked, 'And tell me, have  ye any wee ones yet?'

She  replied, 'Oh yes, Father! Two  sets of twins and six  singles, ten  in all!'

The  Father said, 'That's  wonderful! How  is yer loving hoosband  doing?'

She  replied, 'E's gone to Rome to  blow out yer fookin'  candle.'

Real or Potential ?

Youngest Son: "Tell me Daddy, what is the difference between 'Potentially' and 'reality'?"

Dad: "I will show you"
Dad turns to his wife and asks her: "Would you sleep with Robert Redford for 1 million dollars"?
Wife: "Yes of course! I would never waste such an opportunity"!

Then Dad asks his daughter, if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for 1 Million dollars?
Daughter: "Wow! Yes! He is my fantasy!"

So Dad turns to his elder son and asks him: "Would you sleep with, Tom Cruise for 1 million dollars"?
Elder Son: "Yeah! Why not? Imagine what I could do with 1 million Dollars! I would never hesitate!"

So the father turns back to his younger son saying: You see son, 'Potentially' we are sitting on 3 million dollars, but in 'Reality' we are living with 2 prostitutes and 1 gay.

_________________________________________

An old nun who was living in a convent next to a construction site

noticed the coarse language of the workers and decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways.

She decided she would take her lunch, sit with the workers and talk with them.

She put her sandwich in a brown bag and walked over to the spot where the men were eating. She walked up to the group and with a big smile said: "and do you men know Jesus Christ?"

They shook their heads and looked at each other very confused.

One of the workers looked up into the steelworks and yelled out, "Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?"

One of the steelworkers yelled down 'why'?

The worker yelled back, "Cos his wife's here with his lunch"

The new game in town !

What is a KISS?

It's an upper PREPARATION for a lower INVASION that will lead to  further PENETRATION with fast ACCELERATION that will build next GENERATION.

=====================
What men do after sex?

2% eat; 3% smoke cigarettes; 4% take a shower; 5% go to sleep and 86% get up and go back home to their wives.

=====================

Why is your penis better than a credit card?

(a)   Once spent it recharges itself.
(b)   It is accepted worldwide.
(c)   You can let your wife use it as much as she wants.

=====================

LITTLE GIRL:     Mommy, I just found out that our
                      neighbour's son has a penis like a peanut!
MUM :               You mean it's small?
LITTLE GIRL:      No it's salty!!!

=====================

A couple recently married was happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the hole, and she was happy with the thing.

=====================

A man was carrying 3 babies in a train.
The lady sitting next to him asked: Are they your babies?

MAN : No, I work in a condom factory and these are customer COMPLAINTS.

=====================

Women top 5 lies:  from the whitest down

5.   I am a virgin.  
4.   It is so big.
3.   I can't do that to my best friend.
2.   I won't gain weight after marriage
1.   I am coming! I am coming!!!

=====================

A guy goes up to a girl in a bar and says: You want to play magic. She says: What is that? He says: We go Home, screw, and then you disappear.

=====================

What is the closest thing to a woman's period?

Your SALARY... It comes once a month, lasts 4 or 5 days, and if it doesn't come, you are F*CKED!!!

=====================

Teacher asked: Which part of the body goes to heaven first?  

A Kid replied : The legs...because everynight I see my mum's legs up high and screaming "OH GOD! I'M COMING".

=====================

Teacher: Why did you bring your cat to school?

Pupil : Because I heard my sister's boyfriend  say,  "TONIGHT I WILL EAT YOUR PUSSY".

=====================

What's the difference between a panty and a stage curtain?

Answer : When you pull down the stage curtain, show is over, but when you pull down the PANTY.... IT'S SHOWTIME.

=====================

AGES OF VAGINA:

16 TO 19     BRAND NEW.
20 TO 29     SLIGHTLY USED
30 TO 49     SECOND HAND
50 TO 59     SUBJECT TO REPAIR
60 TO 69     FOR LUBRICATION
70 TO 79     TOTAL WRECK
80 TO 89     CLOSED FOR  RENOVATION!!!!!!!

=====================

MUM: Didn't I tell you if a stranger touches your breast say "DON'T".  And if he touches your pussy say STOP!

GIRL : But mum, he touched both, so I told him  DON'T STOP!!!!"

=====================

GIRLS REACTION TO PENIS SIZES

9 INCHES -      Oh Shit, pain!!
7 INCHES -      Oh, I'm in heaven
6 INCHES -      OH PERFECT
5 INCHES -      UMMMM OK
4 INCHES -      PUSH MORE
3 INCHES -      IS THAT IN???
2 INCHES -      IDIOT!! JUST USE YOUR TONGUE!!!

Don't mess up with the seniors !

Please Click on the above image for larger readable version.

They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing. There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this and I love the way this old guy handled it:

_____________________________

An 86 year old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk. The Receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?"

"There's something wrong with my dick", he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that."

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.

The Receptionist replied; "Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something, and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private."

The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone."

The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"

"There's something wrong with my ear", he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"

"I can't piss out of it," he replied.

The waiting room erupted in laughter.

HOUSE BOY: BAKARI

Bakari is a house boy who every day drinks the wine of his Boss and puts water in the bottle to replace what he drank. But the Boss having suspicions as for the quality of the wine, he decides to buy pastis (a French wine that changes colour if you add water).

Bakari as usual, takes a mouthful and add water to replace what he drank however, soon after he added water the pastis became milky.

When the Boss came back and noticed it, he was sure he had managed to nail Bakari as thief!!! At that same moment Bakari realized he was in trouble and decided to go into the kitchen.

The Boss told his wife that 'Mary, you will see today,he will be obliged to acknowledge'. So he calls Bakari.

He shouted: 'Bakari!'
Bakari answered: 'Yes, Boss'
Boss: 'Who drank my pastis?'
No answer.
The Boss reiterated his question: 'Who drank my wine?'Still;
No answer.
Then the Boss went to fetch Bakari from the kitchen and says to him:
You insane or what? Why when I call you, you say yes boss' but when I ask you a question you don't answer me?

Bakari retorted that 'It is that boss, when you are in the kitchen there, you don't hear anything at all, except the name.

Then to prove that Bakari lies, the Boss says to him: 'You stay beside Madam here, me I go in the kitchen, and you ask me a question '. Bakari accepted and the Boss went in the kitchen.

Bakari shouted: 'Boss'.
He answered: 'Yes, Bakari'.
Bakari continued:  'Who goes in the maid bedroom when the Madam is not here? '.
No answer.
Bakari shouted again: 'Boss, I say who made the maid pregnant?'
No answer.
Bakari shouted again (third time): 'Boss, I say who made the maid pregnant?'

The Boss returns from the kitchen running and says, Bakari; it is true, you are right. When one is in the kitchen, one does not hear anything, only the name!

All at the confesional room !

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'

The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'

The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'

The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again.

For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box '

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.

He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that.You didn't put any money in the poor box!'

The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!' 

__________________________________

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said,

'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'

The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven...'

The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.'

The priest thought long and hard and then said,
'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'

The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'

The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.' 

 ______________________________________

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead. Could you be saying a Mass for my poor pet?'

Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for you pet.' 

Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do you think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'

Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't you tell me the dog was Catholic?

 ____________________________________

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues: Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking . We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'

Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'

Man: 'What sins? '

Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'

Man: 'I'm Jewish...'

Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'

Man: 'I'm 92 years old ... I'm telling everybody.'

Women & Men !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Q: WHAT ARE THE SMALL BUMPS AROUND A WOMAN'S NIPPLES FOR?  

A: It's Braille for 'suck here'.

Q: WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS?

A: It's the same as a French kiss, but 'down under.'

 

Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS?

A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Good year.

 

Q: WHY WERE HURRICANES NORMALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?

A: Because when they come, they're wild and wet. But when they go, they

Take your house and car with them.

 

Q: WHY DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING?

A: Because they don't have any balls to scratch...

Q: WHAT IS A MAN'S ULTIMATE EMBARASSMENT?

A: Running into a wall with an erection and breaking his nose.

_______________________________________________________

WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED ?

Men Are Just Happier People.What do you expect from such simple creatures ?

Your last name stays unchanged. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans just take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President but never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can also wear 'NO shirt' to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. 'The world anywhere is your urinal. You never have to drive to another fashion store because this one was visited by someone whom you know. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character & maturity. Wedding dress is just Rs. 5000.  People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 60 seconds flat. You know stuff about armour tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one briefcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your 'absent minded' friend. Your underwear is Rs. 300 for a three-pack. Two pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays to its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades, perhaps for life. You only have to shave your face. You can play with toys all your life. Your car is an example. One wallet and one pair of shades - one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24th in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.

My Ass !!

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the Man's face was severely burned. The doctor told the Husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny. 

So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin. However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret, after all, this was a very delicate matter. 


After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face. He looked more handsome than he ever had before ! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful beauty !

One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice. He said, 'Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?'

'My darling,' she replied,

I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.'

Airline Humour !

After every flight, pilots fill out a form, called a 'gripe sheet,' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. 

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance  engineers. 


 
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
 

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
 

P: Something loose in cockpit
S: Something tightened in cockpit
 

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
 

P: Auto pilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent...
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
 

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
 

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
 

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.
 

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
 

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
 

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search
 

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.
 

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
 

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
 

And the best one for last
 

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget 

Getting Pass Customs Officers !

A distinguished young woman on a flight from  Ireland asked
the Priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favor?'  
'Of course, child.  What may I do for you?'

'Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer
for my mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the
Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it.  Is there
any way you could carry it through customs for me?  Under
your robes perhaps?'

'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.'

'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.  The
official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'

'From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.'
 
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, 'And what do
you have to declare from your waist to the floor?
 
'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman,
but which is, to date, unused.'
 
Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father.  Next!'