Pretty Italian Bride !

An Italian Guy has met a beautiful girl and gets engaged. 

He asks his mum if he can bring three women home for her to meet and she has to guess which is his chosen bride. His mum agrees. 

That night a big Italian Feast is prepared and the three women arrive and are all introduced to his mother. The night is long and they all appear to have a lot of fun. 

At the end of the night the son asks his mother which of the women have I chosen as my bride. 

The mother promptly replies without hesitation the one on the right. The son surprised says Mum how did you know ? 

She replies it's the one I didn't like ......

Politicians and elections - A short Story !

A farmer saw a plane full of politicians crash near his farm. When the police arrived, they asked the farmer what happened.

Farmer: They crashed near my farm and I buried all of them.


One of the police men asked with shock; "are you sure they were all dead"?



Farmer: Some of them were screaming, "we are still alive". But I couldn't believe them.
You know, these politicians. They can lie.


















wonder whether this would happen to all lying politicians who put the great united states of America USA in jeopardy. Donald Trump to Jeb Bush to Hilary Clinton to all politicians who lie to the people during elections

Little Johnny and Teacher !

Johnny was always lucky to get the sexiest looking teachers who dressed up in a revealing manner. Sadly though, they were also pretty strict on the poor little bastards. 

One day, the teacher was looking so sexy and bubbly, all students in the class were turned on...

One guy, Peter was caught smiling...

Teacher - Why are you smiling Peter?

Peter - I saw a strap of your bra

Teacher - GET OUT..... No classes for you for a week...

A while later, the teacher hears Jason go "WOW"...

Teacher - What's up Jason ?

Jason - I saw both your bra Starps..

Teacher - GET OUT... No classes for you for a month..

She was furious with the kids she turned swiftly towards the board and in the process dropped the marker pen. She bends to pick it up and little Johnny get's up from his seat with the biggest grin and starts walking away from the class. 

Teacher - Johnny, where do you think you are going ?

Johnny - With what I saw, my school days are over...  

The Escaped Prisoner !

A man escapes from a prison where he’s been locked up for 15 years.

He breaks into a house and inside, he finds a young couple in bed.

He ties him to a chair. While tying the wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he’s in there, the husband whispers over to his wife, “Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He’s probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years.

I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain. Do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!”

She responds: “He wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he’s gay, thinks you’re cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too.”

Suicide Girls and Bikers !

Back on January 9th, a group of Pekin, Illinois bikers were riding west on Interstate 74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge . So they stopped.

George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says,

"Hey Baby.....whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"

She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide...!!"

While he didn't want to appear 'sensitive', George also didn't want to miss this 'be-a-legend' opportunity either, so he asked...

"Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe... why don't you give ole George here your best last kiss?"

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that... and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.

After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says,

"Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why in the world are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."

It's still unclear whether (she/he? )jumped or was pushed

10 Day Weight Loss Program

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5lbs weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck..

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later puffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 5lbs as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/10lbs program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me".

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.

Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 10lbs as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/25 lbs program.

"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, you are mine."

He lost 33 lbs that week..

Black Panties for those who Mourn !

Karen lost her husband almost four years ago and still hadn't gotten out of her mourning stage.

Her daughter was constantly calling and urging her to get back into the world.

Finally, Karen says she'd go out, but didn't know anyone.

Her daughter immediately replies: 'Mom, I have someone for you to meet.'

Well, when it did happen, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another. And after dating for six weeks, he asks her to join him for a weekend away.

On their first night there, she undresses ... as he does. There she stood - nude ... except for a pair of Black Panties, while he was in his birthday suit.

Looking at her, he asks: 'Why the black panties?

She replies: 'My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I'm still in mourning.'

He knows he's not getting lucky that night.

The following night it was the same scenario. She's standing there with the black panties on, and he is in his birthday suit ... Except that he is wearing a black condom.

She looks at him and asks: 'What's with this black condom?'
He replies: 'I want to offer my deepest condolences'

Total Family Crisis

I was dreaming of fishing by the lake and then this happened !!

Actually, it is this picture that pissed her off even more !

 On another note...

Keeping Family Safe !

I was fed up with being burgled every other day in my neighbourhood.

So, I tore out my alarm system & de-registered from our local Neighbourhood Watch.

I've planted a Pakistani flag in each corner of my front garden and a large Black Flag of ISIS in its center.

Now, the Yorkshire police, the National Security Bureau, Scotland Yard,MI-5, MI-6, the CIA and every other intelligence service in Europe are all watching my house 24x7x365.

My children are followed to school every day and my wife when she goes shopping. I'm followed to and from work every day.

So no one bothers me at all.

I've never felt safer.

The Isis Crisis !

New Studies on Generation Y

THE 'Gen Y' CHROMOSOME


People born before 1946 are called - The Greatest Generation.

People born between 1946 and 1964 are called - The Baby Boomers.

People born between 1965 and 1979 are called - Generation X.

And people born between 1980 and 2010 are called - Generation Y.

Why do we call the last group -Generation Y ?

Y should I get a job?

Y should I leave home and find my own place?

Y should I get a car when I can borrow yours?

Y should I clean my room?

Y should I wash and iron my own clothes?

Y should I buy any food?

But perhaps a cartoonist explained it most eloquently below...

Just thought you might want to know "Y"
Now share and inform someone else, press the share buttons for social networks.
They may not know.

Good Medical Advice

Love this Japanese Doctor!
Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Heart only good for so many beats, and that it... Don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: Oh no. Wine made from fruit. Fruit very good. Brandy distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Grain good too. Bottom up!

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of one, sorry. My philosophy: No pain...good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food fried in vegetable oil. How getting more vegetable be bad?

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: You crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for figure, explain whale to me.

Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is shape!

Well... I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:

Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO, what a ride!!"

AND......

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits.

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

Twin Sisters Getting Lucky !

Rocky has broken his leg and his buddy Bob comes over to see him.

Bob: How are you doing ??

Rocky: Fine.

Hey, do me a favour.. Go upstairs and get me my slippers. My feet r freezing!

Bob goes upstairs and sees Rocky's hot twin sisters lying on the bed.

Bob: your brother sent me up 2 have sex with u girls..

Twins: Prove it!

Bob (Shouting): Hey Rocky.., both of them ??

Rocky (Shouting back): Of course! What's d point of fucking one???...

Absolute Classic!!!

The Spanish Computer !

A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.
'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'
'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'
A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'
Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether 'computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give 4 reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that computer should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:
1 No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2 The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
3 Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and
4 As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your pay cheque on accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador'), because:
1 In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2 They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3 They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and
4 As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model..

Family Matters Solved !

Technical Difference
1.between Welding and Wedding ..
In Welding there are Sparks first and Bonding Forever, whereas...
in Wedding there is Bonding first and Sparks Forever ...

2. When a man opens the door of his car for his wife,
You can be sure of one thing;
Either the car is new or the wife.

3. What's the difference between stress, tension and panic?
Stress is when wife is pregnant,... Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant.
Panic is when both are pregnant.

4. Grammar Teacher: Do you know the importance of a period?
Kid: Yeah, once my sister said she has missed one, my mom fainted, dad got a heart attack our driver ran away...

5. A young boy asks his Dad :"What is the difference between confident and confidential?
Dad says: "You are my son, I'm confident about that.
Your friend over there, is also my son, that is confidential !!!