Funny Answers ! - Dumb People - They Walk among us....

They really do walk among us, along with us and next to us...........................

 

You can't make this stuff up!

NEW YORK  - resident Kathy Evans brought humiliation to her friends and family when she set a new standard for stupidity with her appearance on the popular TV show, 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire.'

Evans, a 32-year-old wife and mother of two, got stuck on the first question and proceeded to make what fans of the show are dubbing 'the absolute worst use of lifelines ever.' After being introduced to the show's host Meredith Vieira, Evans was posed with a typically easy initial $100 question.

The question was: 'Which of the following is the largest?'

A) A Peanut

B) An Elephant

C) The Moon

D) Hey, who you calling large?

Immediately Mrs Evans was struck with an all consuming panic as she did not readily know the answer. 'Hmm, oh boy, that's a toughie,' said Evans, as Vieira did her level best to hide her disbelief. 'I mean, I'm sure I've heard of some of these things before, but I have no idea how large they would be.'

Evans made the decision to use the first of her three lifelines, the 50/50. Answers A and D were removed, leaving her to decide which was bigger, an elephant or the moon. However, faced with an incredibly easy question, Evans still remained unsure.

'Oh! It removed the two I was leaning towards!' exclaimed Evans... 'Darn I think I better phone a friend.' Mrs.. Evans asked to be connected with her friend Betsy, who is an office assistant..

'Hi Betsy! How are you? This is Kathy! I'm on TV!' said Evans, wasting the first seven seconds of her call. 'Ok, I got an important question. Which of the following is the largest? B, an elephant, or C, the moon. 15 seconds hun.' Betsy quickly replied that the answer was C, the moon.

Evans proceeded to argue with her friend for the remaining ten seconds. 'Betsy, are you sure?' said Evans. 'How sure are you? Duh, that can't be it.'

To everyone's astonishment, the moronic Evans declined to take her friend's advice. 'I just don't know if I can trust Betsy. She's not all that bright. So I think I'd like to ask the audience,' said Evans.

Asked to vote on the correct answer, the audience returned 98% in favor of answer C, 'The Moon.' Having used up all her lifelines, Evans then made the dumbest choice of her life..

'Wow, seems like everybody is against what I'm thinking,' said the too-stupid-to-live Evans. 'But you know, sometimes you just got to go with your gut. So, let's see... I'm going to have to go with B, an elephant... Final answer.'

Evans sat before the dumbfounded audience, the only one waiting with bated breath and was told that she was wrong, and that the answer was in fact, C, 'The Moon.'

Caution...they walk among us This one is equally unbelievable. (No comments needed!) They Walk Among Us!

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Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: 'Free to good home. You want it, you take it...' For three days the fridge sat there without anyone looking twice. He eventually decided that people were too mistrustful of this deal.

So he changed the sign to read: 'Fridge for sale $50.'

The next day someone stole it!

They walk amongst us!

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I stopped at Mc Donald's and ordered some fries.

The girl behind the counter said "would you like some fries with that?"

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One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when someone shouted.... 'Look at that dead bird!'

Someone looked up at the sky and said...'where?'

They walk among us!

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While looking at a house, my brother asked the estate agent which direction was north because he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning.

She asked, 'Does the sun rise in the north?'

My brother explained that the sun rises in the east and has for sometime. She shook her head and said, 'Oh, I don't keep up with all that stuff.......'

They Walk Among Us!

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My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard an admin girl talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the beach. She drove down in a convertible, but said she 'didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving'.

They Walk Among Us!

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My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car which is designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the car trunk.

They Walk Among Us!

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I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, 'Ouch! The chain must rip out every time she turns her head!"

 I had to explain that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned....

They Walk Among Us !

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I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area and went to the lost luggage office and reported the loss. The woman there smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and said I was in good hands. 'Now,' she asked me, 'Has your plane arrived yet?'....

(I work with professionals like this.)

They Walk Among Us!

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While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time then said 'Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.

They Walk Among Us!

Leslie Nielsen - A Tribute to a Great Comedian !

The Canadian-born actor, who starred in dozens of comedic and dramatic roles over his 60-year career in film and television, died at a hospital near his Fort Lauder-dale home after a battle with pneumonia.

Nielsen was known for his deadpan, slap-stick comedy in a number of police and detective spoofs, most notably three "Naked Gun" films. Here, we look at some of Nielsen's greatest lines & Quotes:

 "Wrongfully Accused" (1998), as Detective Ryan Harrison

 

Ryan Harrison: Your dog sure has a surprised look on his face.
Lauren: That's because you're looking at his butt.
Ryan Harrison: Uh, then he's certainly not going to enjoy that treat I just fed to him.

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Ryan Harrison: Your lies are like bananas. They come in big yellow bunches.

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Ryan Harrison: Women and me are like water and fire: wet and flammable.

"Spy Hard" (1996), as Dick Steele, Agent WD-40 

 

 

Dick Steele, Agent WD-40: Operator, get me Washington.
Operator: George?
Dick Steele, Agent WD-40: D.C.

Veronique Ukrinsky, Agent 3.14: Have a nice flight, and I wish you adieux.
Dick Steele, Agent WD-40: Thank you, but I am quite satisfied with the do I have.

"Dracula, Dead and Loving It" (1995) as Count Dracula

 

 

Lover at Picnic: Would you care for some wine?
Dracula: I never drink wine ... oh, what the hell. Let me try it.

"Naked Gun 33 1/3: The Final Insult" (1994) as Lt. Frank Drebin

 

 

Lt. Frank Drebin: Like a midget at a urinal, I was going to have to stay on my toes.

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Lt. Frank Drebin: Cheer up, Ed. This is not goodbye. It's just I won't ever see you again.

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Lt. Frank Drebin: Well ... We shot a lot of people together. It's been great. But today I retire, so if I do any shooting now, it'll have to be within the confines of my own home. Hopefully, an intruder and not an in-law, like at my bachelor party.

"The Naked Gun 2½: The Smell of Fear" (1991) as Lt. Frank Drebin

 

Lt. Frank Drebin: Oh, it's all right. I'm sure that we can handle this situation maturely, just like the responsible adults that we are. Isn't that right, Mr. ... Poopy Pants?

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Lt. Frank Drebin: Looks like the cows have come home to roost.

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Quentin Hapsburg: I don't recall your name on the guest list.
Lt. Frank Drebin: That's OK. I sometimes go by my maiden name.

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Lt. Frank Drebin: [describing Jane; voice-over] I couldn't believe it was her. It was like a dream. But there she was, just as I remembered her. That delicately beautiful face. And a body that could melt a cheese sandwich from across the room. And breasts that seemed to say ... "Hey! Look at these!" She was the kind of woman who made you want to drop to your knees and thank God you were a man! She reminded me of my mother, all right. No doubt about it.
Ed Hocken: Frank, snap out of it! You're looking at her like she was your mother for Christ's sake!

"The Naked Gun: From the Files of Police Squad!" (1988) as Lt. Frank Drebin

 

Lt. Frank Drebin: Jane, since I've met you, I've noticed things that I never knew were there before... birds singing, dew glistening on a newly formed leaf, stoplights.

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Lt. Frank Drebin: Protecting the queen's safety is a task that is gladly accepted by Police Squad. No matter how silly the idea of having a queen might be to us, as Americans, we must be gracious and considerate hosts.

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Jane: How about a rain check?
Lt. Frank Drebin: Well, let's just stick to dinner.

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Lt. Frank Drebin: [narrating as he walks through town] The attempt on Nordberg's life left me shaken and disturbed, and all the questions kept coming up over and over again, like bubbles in a case of club soda. Who was this character in the hospital? And why was he trying to kill Nordberg? And for whom? Did Ludwig lie to me? I didn't have any proof, but somehow, I didn't entirely trust him either. Why was the 'I Luv You' not listed in Ludwig's records? And if it was, did he know about it? And if he didn't, who did? And where the hell was I?

 

"Airplane!" (1980) as Dr. Rumack

 

 

Rumack: The life of everyone on board depends upon just one thing: finding someone back there who can not only fly this plane, but who didn't have fish for dinner.
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Rumack: Can you fly this plane, and land it?
Ted Striker: Surely you can't be serious.
Rumack: I am serious ... and don't call me Shirley.

Rumack: You'd better tell the captain we've got to land as soon as we can. This woman has to be gotten to a hospital.
Elaine Dickinson: A hospital? What is it?
Rumack: It's a big building with patients, but that's not important right now.

 

May You Rest In Peace !

 

HOW THE JEWS GOT TEN COMMANDMENTS

God went to the Arabs and said, "I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better."

The Arabs asked, " What are Commandments? Can you give us an example?"

God said, " For example ................ Thou shall not kill."

The Arabs were shocked, "What? Not kill? No way! Killing and massacaring innocent people is our birth-right and the only reason for our existence.. No, we are not interested. "

So God went to the Africans and said, " I have Commandments. "

The Africans wanted an example.

God said, "For example ........... Honor thy Father and Mother."

The Africans were dismayed. They said, " Father? Yo maan! Can't tell for sure who our fathers are, maan!"

So God went to the Mexicans and said, "I have Commandments. "

The Mexicans wanted an example.

God said, " For example ........... Thou shall not steal."

The Mexicans were flabbergasted. They said, " No steal? No steal?? Hey Senor, we no steal then how we live, huh? Gracias, but no! "

So God went to the French and said, "I have Commandments. "

The French wanted an example.

God said, "For example ............. Thou shall not commit adultery."

The French were stunned. They said, "What? Not commit ze adultery ....... ? Non, non, non. Non Monsieur. Pardonnez nous. We, ze French, must have ze romance. "

So God went to the Jews and said, "I have Commandments. ... "

The Jews asked, "Commandments? How much do they cost?"

God replied, "Nothing. They are free."

The Jews answered, "Good. We shall take Ten! "

Funny Story on whashing dishes

Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until one day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it.

The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition.

He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.

'Well, it's quite simple, really,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain.'

And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.

That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there.

But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to tell you something about my family before we go in.'

'When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.'

'No problem,' he says. And in they go.

Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes.

In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.

They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.

As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.

So he leans over and kisses Sandra.

No one says a word.

So he reaches over and fondles her breasts.

Still, nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and screws her right there, in front of her parents.

His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

He looks at her mom..

'She's got a great body,' he thinks.

So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, pulls down her panties, and screws her every which way right there on the dinner table. After she has a big orgasm, he sits down again.

Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, the Mom is pleasantly beaming.

But still, Total silence.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.

Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket...

Suddenly the father shouted....

'I'll do the fucking dishes!!!

Rich Man and Italian Whore

An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit.

The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, ‘who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!'

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house.

A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house. 

He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: 'Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge.

I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.

Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account.

If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account.

If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each.

However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?'

At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, 'You fuck her again.'

OBAMA AND QUEEN ELIZABETH...

As Air Force One arrives at Heathrow Airport, President Obama strides to a warm and dignified reception from the Queen. 

They are driven in a 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London, where they change to a magnificent 17th century carriage hitched to six white horses. They continue on towards Buckingham Palace, waving to the thousands of cheering Britons; all is going well. 

 Suddenly the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous earth shattering fart ever heard in the British Empire. 

The smell is atrocious and both passengers in the carriage must use handkerchiefs over their noses. The fart shakes the coach, but the two dignitaries of State do their best to ignore the incident. 

The Queen turns to President Obama, " Mr. President, please accept my regrets... I am sure you understand there are some things that even a Queen cannot control." 

Obama, always trying to be "Presidential," replied: "Your Majesty, do not give the matter another thought... Until you mentioned it, I thought it was one of the horses.

Another Little Jhonny Joke

Little Susie was not the best student in Catholic School . Usually she slept through the class.

One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping.

'Tell me Susie, who created the universe?'

When Susie didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting beside her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.

'God Almighty!' shouted Susie.

The Nun said, 'Very good' and continued teaching her class..

A little later the Nun asked Susie, 'Who is our Lord and Saviour?'

But Susie didn't stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck her in the butt.

'Jesus Christ!!!' shouted Susie.

And the Nun once again said, 'Very good,' and Susie fell back asleep.

The Nun asked her a third question...'What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'

Again, Johnny came to the rescue. This time Susie jumped up and shouted, 'If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'

 The nun fainted.

Nuns are up to No Good !

A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, 'Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later.' 

The nun agreed.

A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, Sister, have you seen a soldier?'

The nun replied, 'He went that way.'

After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, 'I can't thank you enough Sister. You see, I don't want to go to Afghanistan.'

The nun said, 'I understand completely.'

The soldier added, 'I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!'

The nun replied, 'If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls.... I don't want to go to Afghanistan either.'

A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.

He replies: "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you".

She answers, " My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive." 

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"

"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."

The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child," said the nun, why are! you crying?"

"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."