Titanic and Bill Clinton Joke !

Students at a local school were assigned to read two books, 'Titanic' by James Cameron & 'My Life' by Bill Clinton.

One student turned in the following book report, with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories !
 
His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report.

Titanic: cost - $29.99
Clinton : cost - $29.99

Titanic: Over 3 hours to read
Clinton : Over 3 hours to read

Titanic: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton : The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.

Titanic: Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton : Bill is a bullshit artist.

Titanic: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton : Ditto for Monica

Titanic: During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton : Ditto for Monica.

Titanic: Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton : Let's not go there.

Titanic: Rose gets to keep her jewelry
Clinton : Monica is forced to return her gifts.

Titanic: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton : Clinton remembers Monica for the rest of his life.

Titanic: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton : Monica...ooh, let's not go there, either..

Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton : Bill goes home to Hilary - basically the same thing.

Automatic Medical Advice on Computer

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor."

So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.

Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.


The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

Joke for Men !

'One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, 'Why are you crying?'

The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water, and he needed the axe to make his living.

The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe. 'Is this your axe?' the Lord asked.

The woodcutter replied, 'No.'

The Lord again went down and came up with a silver Axe. 'Is this your axe?' the Lord asked.

Again, the woodcutter replied, 'No.'

The Lord went down again and came up with an iron Axe. 'Is this your axe?' the Lord asked.

The woodcutter replied, 'Yes.'
The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.

Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank, and his wife fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, 'Why are you crying?'

'Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!'

The Lord went down into the water and came up with ANGELINA JOLIE 'Is this your wife?' the Lord asked.

'Yes,' cried the woodcutter.

The Lord was furious. 'You lied! That is an untruth!'

The woodcutter replied, 'Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to ANGELINA JOLIE , You would have come up with CAMERON DIAZ . Then if I said 'no' to her, you would have come up with my wife . Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I am a poor man, and am not able to take care
of all three wives, so THAT'S why I said yes to ANGELINA JOLIE .'

The moral of this story is: Whenever a man lies, it is for a good and honorable reason, and for the benefit of others.

That's our story, and we're sticking to it! -
'WE ARE  HONOURABLE MEN!!!

Blond and Red Head

Two friends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down the street and pass a flower shop where the redhead saw her boyfriend buying flowers. 

Redhead sighed and said, "Oh, crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again."

The blonde looked quizzically at her and said, "You don't like getting flowers from your boyfriend?"

The redhead said, "I love getting flowers, but he always has expectations after giving me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air."

The blonde says, "Don't you have a vase?"

 

Playing Rugby the Funy Way !

Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.

When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day. One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved rugby all our lives, and we played rugby on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's rugby there."

Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed," Mike, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you.

Shortly after that, Joe passes on.

At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, "Mike--Mike.."

"Who is it? asks Mike sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"

"Mike--it's me, Joe."

"You're not Joe. Joe just died."

"I'm telling you, it's me, Joe," insists the voice."

"Joe! Where are you?"

"In heaven", replies Joe. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."

"Tell me the good news first," says Mike.

"The good news," Joe says," is that there's rugby in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play rugby all we want, and we never get tired."

That's fantastic," says Mike. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?

"You're in the team for this Saturday."

Not so smart Women ?

Lady: Do you smoke?

Man: Yes.

Lady: How many packs a day?

Man: 3 packs.

Lady: How much per pack?

Man: $ 10.00

Lady: And how long have you been smoking?

Man: 15 years.

Lady: So 1 pack cost $10.00 and you have 3 packs a day which puts your
spending each month at$900. In one year, it would be $10,800 correct?

Man: Correct.

Lady: If in 1 year you spend $10,800 not accounting for inflation, the past 15 years puts your spending at $162,000 correct?

Man: Correct.

Lady: Do you know that if you hadn't smoked, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 15 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?

Man: Do you smoke?

Lady: No.

Man: Where's your  Ferrari then?

Most Hillarious Massage Joke !

An Italian, a Frenchman and an Indian were drinking at a bar, discussing what they had done the previous evening.

The Italian says: "Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with the finest olive oil, then we made passionate love and I made her scream nonstop for five minutes."

The Frenchman says: "Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with a special aphrodisiac oil, then we made passionate love. I made her scream for fifteen minutes straight."

The Indian says: "That's nothing. Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with Amul butter. I caressed her entire body with the butter, then made love and I made her scream for two long hours."

The Italian and Frenchman, astonished, asked, "Two hours, phenomenal!"

What did you do to make her scream for two hours??

Indian: I wiped my hands on the curtains.

 

Tips to live a longer life !

doc do you think one should live long any ways?

I mean life is also about having fun ha?

seriously ? why ain't this guy having some fun?

no sex, no drugs or alcohol, no women or prostitutes

might as well fucking die than be a pumpkin of no use

A Funny Quiz !

 It's a legit answer

So, try and figure it out.

Here is a riddle for the true intellectual.Try to come up with the answer on your own. However, the answer is at the bottom for those Who are unable to think this one through.

Here's the riddle:


At the exact same time, there are two 35-year-old men on opposite sides of the earth. One is walking a tight rope between two skyscrapers at the 85th floor. The other is getting oral sex from an 75-year-old toothless woman.

 

They are both thinking the exact same thing.

What are they both thinking?


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DON'T LOOK DOWN!!!