Funny One Liners

• When I was born, I was so surprised I didn't  talk for a year and a half. 
• Join the army, see the world, meet interesting  people, and kill them. 
• Until I was 13, I thought my name was 'Shut  Up.' 
• I'm not afraid to die. I just don't want to be  there when it happens. 
• Always and never are two words you should  always remember never to use.
• I've never been drunk, but often I've been  over served. 
• The road to success is always under  construction. 
• I say no to drugs -- they just don't listen! 
• Marriage is one of the chief causes of  divorce. 
• Work is fine if it doesn't take up too much of  your time. 
• When everything's coming your way, you're in  the wrong lane. 
• Born free; Taxed to death.  
• Everyone has a photographic memory; some  people just don't have film. 
• Life is unsure; always eat your dessert first. 
• Smile -- it makes people wonder what you're up to.  
• I love being a writer... what I can't stand is the paperwork. 
• A printer consists of 3 main parts: the case,  the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light. 
• The hardest part of skating is the ice. 
• The guy who invented the first wheel was an  idiot; the guy who invented the other three, he was  the genius. 
• The trouble with being punctual is that there's no one there to appreciate it. 
• If our constitution allows us free speech, why  are there phone bills? 
• If you tell a man there are 300 billion stars  in the universe, he'll believe you. But if you tell him a park bench has just been painted, he has to touch it to be sure. 
• Beat the 5 O'clock rush: leave work at noon! 
• If you can't convince them, confuse them. 
• It's not the fall that kills you; it's the sudden stop at the end. 
• I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder. 
• Hot glass looks same as cold glass. (Cunino's Law of Burnt Fingers) 
• The cigarette does the smoking - you are just the sucker. 
• Someday is not a day of the week