More Funnies

Ladies hostel caught Fire. It took 1 hour to bring the fire under control and another 3 hours to bring the firemen under control.

 -------------------------------------------

 Wife: If I sleep with your best friend what will be the first thought to come in your mind?
 Husband: that you are a lesbian.

 --------------------------------------------------------------

 Why did they stop printing Pamela Anderson stamps in the U.S ???
 Because the people started licking the wrong side!

 --------------------------------------------------------
 

Nobody is ever satisfied, Poor men wish they were rich, Rich men wish they were handsome, Bachelors wish they were married & Married men wish they were Dead!

 ----------------------------------------------------------

 Lady : "I want a good vibrator" Salesman: "Ma'am ! you may select one from our range that is displayed on that wall"
 Lady : "O.K. I'll take that red one"
 Salesman: "Sorry, that's our fire-extinguisher";

 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

A divorced Couple were contesting for possession of the child. 
The mother said: "I gave birth to him - he's mine" 
The father said: "I put a coin in the pepsi machine and a can comes out - the pepsi belongs to me! not to the machine !!"

 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A girl says to her boyfriend, "One kiss and I'll be yours forever."
The guy says 'thanks for the warning'

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

A Husband Was Asked: "Do you talk to your wife after sex?" 
He replied: "Depends, If I Can find a Phone"

 -----------------------------------------------------------------------

Definition of a Gynecologist: Someone who looks for problems where others look for pleasure!!!

------------------------------------------------------------------------

 Man to wife on wedding night- "Are you sure I'm the first man you are sleeping with?'
 "Of course honey, I stayed awake with all the others!'

Quickies !!

This is what we call being "Drunk"

In life, never look down on anybody, unless you are getting a lovely view of the cleavage!

**************

Whenever you see a woman and an opportunity, don't screw the opportunity!

*******************

Man Teases his ex-wife's new husband: So, dude how was the second-hand Stuff?
New husband: Not bad. After the first 3 inches, she was brand new.

*******************

The saddest part of a Man's body is his Balls. The Lord Almighty sentenced them to : Hang Till Death !

**************
 

Girl: excuse me brother, that's my seat.
Boy: OK! But I'm not your brother, my father never slept with your mom.
Girl: True, but my father did!

**************

A football team loses their star player, Roger Dicks, due to an injury.
Next day a headline reads: Team to play without Dicks.The manager calls up the newspaper and objects, so the editor changes the Headline. It read: Team to play with Dicks out.

**************

What is the definition of a Lesbian?
Yet another damn woman trying to do a man's job!!!

**************

On a NUDIST's beach a man shakes hand with a lady & says: Pleased to meet you!
Lady: Yeah, I can SEE that.

**************

When God made me, He asked, "Great Memory or Giant Penis?".
I cant Remember what I said.

**************

What advice does the doctor give to sick prostitutes?
Stay out of BED for two days.

 **************

I told my wife I want to die in bed.
She said, "You did last night - three times!"

**************
 

A loud scream comes from the bedroom and the husband runs in. He sees a guy leaping out of the window..
Wife yells: That guy just screwed me twice!
Husband: Twice? Why didn't you call me in after he screwed you the first time?
Wife: Because I thought it was you, until he started the second time.

Confused ??

A Guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. 

She says "Hello!!!". 

He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says..."do you know me???"... 

To which she replies..." I think you're the father of one of my kids"....

Completely shocked...the guy's mind travels back to the only time when he was unfaithful to his wife and says..." My God!... are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table???!!"

Confused... she looks into his eyes and says calmly..." No... I am your son's teacher"

Do it twice ?

A very loud, unattractive, mean, nasty woman walked into Wal-Mart with  her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. The Wal-Mart greeter said pleasantly "Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Hell no they ain't. The oldest one's 9 and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you  blind, or just stupid?"

"I'm  neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am," replied the greeter. "I just couldn't believe someone would fuck you twice."

____________________________________________

A man went hunting one day in Scotland and bagged three ducks. He put them in the bed of his truck and was about to drive home when he was confronted by an ornery game warden who didn't like the fact he was a good gunman. The game warden ordered the man to show his hunting license, and he pulled out a valid Scottish hunting license.

The game warden looked at the license, then reached over and picked up one of the ducks, sniffed its Butt and said, "This duck ain't from Scotland. This is a Welsh duck. You got a Welsh hunting' license, lad?"

The man reached into his wallet and produced a Welsh hunting license. The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second duck, sniffed its Butt, and said "This ain't no Welsh duck. This duck's from Ireland. You got an Irish license?"

The man reached into wallet and produced an Irish hunting license. The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck, sniffed its Butt, and said, "This ain't no Irish duck. This here duck's from England. You got an English huntin' license?"

Again the man reached into his wallet and brought out an English hunting license. The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled at the man "Just where the hell are you from???!!!"

At this point the man turned around, bent over, dropped his pants, and said, "You tell me, you're the expert."

A collection of Funnies !!

Defense Attorney:

Will you please state your age?

Little Old Lady:

I am 94 years old.

Defense Attorney:

Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?

Little Old Lady:

There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney:

Did you know him?

Little Old Lady:

No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney:

What happened after he sat down?

Little Old Lady:

He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney:

Did you stop him?

Little Old Lady:

No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney:

Why not?

Little Old Lady:

It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney:

What happened next?

Little Old Lady:

He began to rub my breasts.

Defense Attorney:

Did you stop him then?

Little Old Lady:

No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney:

Why not?

Little Old Lady:

His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney:

What happened next?

Little Old Lady:

Well, by then, I was feeling so 'spicy' that I just laid down and told him 'Take me, young man. Take me now!'

Defense Attorney:

Did he take you?

Little Old Lady:

Hell, no! He just yelled, ' April Fool!' And that's when I shot him, the little bastard

_____________________________________________

Wife goes to Woolworths, sees men's underwear on sale. She buys a dozen of the same colour. Goes home and gives hubby. 

Hubby protests, "Why buy me the same colour? People will think I do not change underwear!! 

Wife asks,”Which people?"

_________________________________________

A man was walking on the beach one day and he found a bottle half buried in the sand.He decided to open it. Inside was a genie.

The genie said," I will grant you three wishes and three wishes only." 

The man thought about his first wish and decided, "I think I want 1 million dollars transferred to a Swiss bank account. POOF! 

Next he wished for a Ferrari red in color. POOF! There was the car sitting in front of him. 

He asked for his final wish, " I wish I was irresistible to women." POOF! He turned into a box of chocolates.

___________________________________________

A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a fancy dress party. He doesn't know what to wear to hide his bald head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem.

A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:

Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a Pirate.
 
The man is offended that the outfit emphasizes his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint. A week passes and he receives another parcel and note:

Dear Sir,

Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part.

The man is really incandescent with rage now because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head. So he writes a really strong letter of complaint. A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter:

Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup. We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your arse and go as a toffee apple!!!!

Courage is a joke ?

Pictorial Definition of Courage !!!!!!!!!!!!

A few Short Answers that needs courage to tell others !

  

Q: Why men walk more and women talk more?

A: Coz men have three legs and women have four lips! _________________________

Wives r Incoming Calls

Lovers r Outgoing Calls

Aunties r Tollfree Calls

Callgirls r Roaming Calls

Neighbour Girls r Missed Calls

_________________________

A man stands nude in front of a mirror n examines himself n says: 2 inches more & I'll be a king.

His wife sitting behind says: 2 inches less & you'll be a queen.

_________________________

 

Why do women wear flowered panties?

A: Cuz its their way of saying, 'In memory of those who were buried here!

_________________________

  

3 guys were introduced 2 a girl,

Guy 1: Hi I'm Peter not a saint,

Guy 2: Hi I'm Paul not a pope,

Guy 3: I'm john not a baptist,

the girl said – “Hi I'm Mary not a virgin!”

_________________________

   

Wife asked her husband how many women he had slept with.

Husband proudly replies, only you darling, with others I was awake!!!

The sexual Experience !

Women are chatting in office.

Woman 1: I had sex last night, did you?

Woman 2: Yes.

Woman 1: Was it good?

Woman 2: No, it was a disaster... My husband came home, ate his dinner in three minutes, got on top of me, finished having sex in five minutes, rolled over and fell asleep in two minutes. How was yours?

Woman 1: Oh it was amazing! My husband came home and took me out to a romantic dinner. After dinner we walked for an hour. When we came home he lit the candles around the house and we had an hour of foreplay. We then had an hour long session of fantastic sex and after wards talked for an hour. It was like a fairytale!

At the same time, their husbands are talking at work.

Husband 1: You wanted sex last night, how was it?

Husband 2: Great. I came home, dinner was on the table, I ate, screwed my wife and fell asleep. It was great!  What about you?

Husband 1: It was horrible. I came home, there's no dinner because they cut the electricity because I hadn't paid the bill; so I had to take my wife out to dinner which was so expensive that I didn't have money left for a cab. We had to walk home which took an hour – and when we got home remember there was no electricity so I had to light fucking candles all over the house! I was so angry that I couldn't get it up for an hour and then I couldn't come for another hour. After I finally did, I was so aggravated that I couldn't fall asleep and my wife was jabbering away for another hour!

Coming from Ireland

Mrs.   Donovan was walking  down O'Connell  Street in Dublin when she  met up with Father  Flaherty.

The  Father said, 'Top o' the  mornin' to  ye!   Aren't ye Mrs. Don ovan and  didn't I marry ye and yer hoosband  two years ago?'

She  replied, 'Aye, that ye did,  Father.' The  Father asked, 'And be  there any  wee little ones yet?'

She  replied, 'No, not yet,  Father.' The  Father said, 'Well now,

I'm  going to Rome  next week and  I'll light a candle for  ye

and  yer hoosband.'

She  replied, 'Oh, thank ye,  Father.' They  then parted ways.

Some  years later they met  again. The  Father asked, 'Well now, Mrs.   Don ovan, how are ye these  days?' 

She  replied, 'Oh, very well,  Father!' 

The  Father asked, 'And tell me, have  ye any wee ones yet?'

She  replied, 'Oh yes, Father! Two  sets of twins and six  singles, ten  in all!'

The  Father said, 'That's  wonderful! How  is yer loving hoosband  doing?'

She  replied, 'E's gone to Rome to  blow out yer fookin'  candle.'

Real or Potential ?

Youngest Son: "Tell me Daddy, what is the difference between 'Potentially' and 'reality'?"

Dad: "I will show you"
Dad turns to his wife and asks her: "Would you sleep with Robert Redford for 1 million dollars"?
Wife: "Yes of course! I would never waste such an opportunity"!

Then Dad asks his daughter, if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for 1 Million dollars?
Daughter: "Wow! Yes! He is my fantasy!"

So Dad turns to his elder son and asks him: "Would you sleep with, Tom Cruise for 1 million dollars"?
Elder Son: "Yeah! Why not? Imagine what I could do with 1 million Dollars! I would never hesitate!"

So the father turns back to his younger son saying: You see son, 'Potentially' we are sitting on 3 million dollars, but in 'Reality' we are living with 2 prostitutes and 1 gay.

_________________________________________

An old nun who was living in a convent next to a construction site

noticed the coarse language of the workers and decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways.

She decided she would take her lunch, sit with the workers and talk with them.

She put her sandwich in a brown bag and walked over to the spot where the men were eating. She walked up to the group and with a big smile said: "and do you men know Jesus Christ?"

They shook their heads and looked at each other very confused.

One of the workers looked up into the steelworks and yelled out, "Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?"

One of the steelworkers yelled down 'why'?

The worker yelled back, "Cos his wife's here with his lunch"

The new game in town !

What is a KISS?

It's an upper PREPARATION for a lower INVASION that will lead to  further PENETRATION with fast ACCELERATION that will build next GENERATION.

=====================
What men do after sex?

2% eat; 3% smoke cigarettes; 4% take a shower; 5% go to sleep and 86% get up and go back home to their wives.

=====================

Why is your penis better than a credit card?

(a)   Once spent it recharges itself.
(b)   It is accepted worldwide.
(c)   You can let your wife use it as much as she wants.

=====================

LITTLE GIRL:     Mommy, I just found out that our
                      neighbour's son has a penis like a peanut!
MUM :               You mean it's small?
LITTLE GIRL:      No it's salty!!!

=====================

A couple recently married was happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the hole, and she was happy with the thing.

=====================

A man was carrying 3 babies in a train.
The lady sitting next to him asked: Are they your babies?

MAN : No, I work in a condom factory and these are customer COMPLAINTS.

=====================

Women top 5 lies:  from the whitest down

5.   I am a virgin.  
4.   It is so big.
3.   I can't do that to my best friend.
2.   I won't gain weight after marriage
1.   I am coming! I am coming!!!

=====================

A guy goes up to a girl in a bar and says: You want to play magic. She says: What is that? He says: We go Home, screw, and then you disappear.

=====================

What is the closest thing to a woman's period?

Your SALARY... It comes once a month, lasts 4 or 5 days, and if it doesn't come, you are F*CKED!!!

=====================

Teacher asked: Which part of the body goes to heaven first?  

A Kid replied : The legs...because everynight I see my mum's legs up high and screaming "OH GOD! I'M COMING".

=====================

Teacher: Why did you bring your cat to school?

Pupil : Because I heard my sister's boyfriend  say,  "TONIGHT I WILL EAT YOUR PUSSY".

=====================

What's the difference between a panty and a stage curtain?

Answer : When you pull down the stage curtain, show is over, but when you pull down the PANTY.... IT'S SHOWTIME.

=====================

AGES OF VAGINA:

16 TO 19     BRAND NEW.
20 TO 29     SLIGHTLY USED
30 TO 49     SECOND HAND
50 TO 59     SUBJECT TO REPAIR
60 TO 69     FOR LUBRICATION
70 TO 79     TOTAL WRECK
80 TO 89     CLOSED FOR  RENOVATION!!!!!!!

=====================

MUM: Didn't I tell you if a stranger touches your breast say "DON'T".  And if he touches your pussy say STOP!

GIRL : But mum, he touched both, so I told him  DON'T STOP!!!!"

=====================

GIRLS REACTION TO PENIS SIZES

9 INCHES -      Oh Shit, pain!!
7 INCHES -      Oh, I'm in heaven
6 INCHES -      OH PERFECT
5 INCHES -      UMMMM OK
4 INCHES -      PUSH MORE
3 INCHES -      IS THAT IN???
2 INCHES -      IDIOT!! JUST USE YOUR TONGUE!!!