Jesus is Watching you !

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, 'Jesus knows you're here.'

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard 'Jesus is watching you.'

Startled, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.

'Yes', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he's watching you.'

The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'

'Moses,' replied the bird.

'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'

'The kind of people who would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'

Getting Kicked in the Nuts !

An Observation on an Age Old Question

I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking on various topics. Finally I thought about an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts? Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts. Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question. Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion. A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "it might be nice to have another child." On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts." I rest my case.      Time for another beer.

Mother in Law !

 
Dreaming of a sexy and hot mother in law? 

Dream on !!!

Here is reality ?

MY mother-in-law is a big woman. She got run over last week. The driver said he had enough room to get around her but he didn’t have enough petrol.

***************
 

HOW many mothers-in-law does it take to change a light bulb?
One. She just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around her.
 

***************
 Check whether your mother in law is in this queue

WHAT’S the punishment for bigamy? Two mothers-in-law.
 

***************
 

“My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed, I never knew they worked.” Les Dawson
 

**************
 

BEHIND every successful man stands a devoted wife and a surprised mother-in-law.

Embarrassing Medical Appointments

1. A man comes into the ER and yells. . .

'My wife's going to have her baby in the cab.'

I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress and began

to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs .

. and I was in the wrong one.

Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald,

San Francisco

2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and

slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.

'Big breaths,'. . . I instructed. 'Yes, they used to be,'. . . replied the

patient.

Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes,

Seattle, WASHINGTON

3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her

husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct.

Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the

family that he had died of a 'massive internal fart.'

Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg

4. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, 'How long

have you been bedridden?'

After a look of complete confusion she answered . . . ' Why, not for about

twenty years - when my husband was alive.'

Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson-

Corvallis, OREGON

5. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple

hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and

wearing strange clothing, entered..... It was quickly determined that the

patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate

surgery... When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the

staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green and above it there was

a tattoo that read . .. .' Keep off the grass.'

Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the

patient's dressing, which said 'Sorry . . . had to mow the lawn.'

Submitted by RN no name

AND FINALLY . . . . THE FUNNIEST

Baby's First Doctor Visit

This made me laugh out loud.

I hope it will give you a smile!

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the

doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived, and

examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked

if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

'Breast-fed,' she replied...

'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered. She did. He pinched

her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very

professional and detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No wonder this baby is

under- weight. You don't have any milk.'

'I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came.'

Talking Dog ?

A young jackaroo from outback Queensland goes off to university, but halfway through the semester he has squandered all of his money.

He calls home. 'Dad,' he says, 'you won't believe what modern education is developing...they actually have a program here in Brisbane that will teach our dog Ol' Blue how to talk.'

'That's amazing!' his Dad says. 'How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?'

'Just send him down here with $2,000,' the young jackaroo says, 'I'll get him in the course.'

So his father sends the dog and $2,000.

About two-thirds through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home.  'So how's Ol' Blue doing, son?' his father wants to know. 
 
'Awesome! Dad, he's talking up a storm... But you just won't believe this. They've had such good results with talking, they've begun to teach the animals how to read.'

'Read?' exclaims his father. 'No kidding! How do we get Ol' Blue in that program?'

'Just send $4,500. I'll get him in the class.'

The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk nor read.

So he shoots the dog. When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited.

'Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to talk with him, and see him read something!'

'Dad,' the boy says, 'I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal. Then he suddenly turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still bonking that little redhead barmaid at the pub?''

The father groans and whispers, 'I hope you shot that bastard before he talks to your Mother!'

'I sure did, Dad!'

'That's my boy!'

The kid went on to be a successful lawyer with Slater and Gordon

Engineers and Chicken !

While Aston Martin is busy selling pre owned cars, following is from ROLLS ROYCE STAFF MAGAZINE
 
Sometimes it DOES take a Rocket Scientist!! (true story)..
 
Scientists at Rolls Royce built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners and military jets all travelling at maximum velocity.
 
The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.
 
American engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the Windshields of their new high speed trains.
 
Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the American engineers. When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken shot out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin like an arrow shot from a bow..
 
The horrified Yanks sent Rolls Royce the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the British scientists for suggestions.
 
 
 
Rolls Royce responded with a one-line memo:
 
"Defrost the chicken."