What Alcohol Do you Prefer !!

For a laugh and could be a life lesson for some - please do share with your friends.. 

Interesting study. A recent magazine survey, interviewed fifty bartenders and they were asked if they could identify a customer's personality on what drinks they ordered?

Although interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts.


The results:

If Women Drink...

Beer
Personality: Casual, low maintenance; down to earth.
Approach:  Challenge her to a game of pool.


Cocktails or Blender drinks with umbrella
Personality:  Flaky, annoying, dizzy, and a pain in the ass.
Approach:    Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy.


Mixed drinks - no umbrellas e.g.; Gin and tonic / Scotch and soda
Personality:   Mature, has picky taste; knows what she wants
Approach:     If she wants you, she'll send YOU a drink.


Water
Personality:   Pretentious and is looking for a serious relationship.
Approach:     Don't.


Wine - (bottled, not 4 litre cask)
Personality:    Conservative and classy, sophisticated.
Approach:     Try and weave Paris and clothing into the conversation.


Bacardi Breezer, Red Square , Archers Cooler, Smirnoff Ice, Mudshake, etc.
Personality:    Easy; thinks she is trendy and sophisticated actually has no clue.
Approach:     Make her feel smarter than she is... and you're in.


Baileys, Cape Velvet, soft liqueurs
Personality:     Annoying voice, bit of a tart.
Approach:       Stand close and mention the alley next to the pub.


Shots and Slammers (Tequila, Vodka, Aftershock etc.)
Personality:     Hangs around with male work pals or looking to get drunk...and naked.
Approach:       Easiest hit in the pub, Nothing to do but wait.......



IF MEN DRINK... (As always, very simple and clear cut.)

Cider
He's probably under-aged and wants to get laid.

Cheap Domestic Beer
He's poor / student and wants to get laid.

Erdinger or Fosters Lager Beer
He likes good beer and wants to get laid.

Imported Beer
He's old; he likes good beer and wants to get laid.

Guinness
The man is a rapist and will get laid one way or another.

Water
He just threw up and is trying to wash the taste out of his mouth so
that he can still get laid

Wine
He's hoping that the wine thing will give him a sophisticated image and
help him get laid.

Vodka or Brandy
Extremely horny hound, would shag a warm scarf. Desperate to get laid.

Port
Thinks he's sophisticated, secretly likes men and wants to get laid.

Whisky
He doesn't give two $hits about anything and will hit anyone who will
get in his way of getting laid.

Jack Daniels
Not as masculine as the whisky drinker, knows all about feminine
activities (knitting, crochet etc.) to weasel himself into getting laid.

Rum or Tequila
Likes fighting almost as much as getting laid.

Bacardi Breezer, Red Square, Archers Cooler, Smirnoff Ice, etc
He’s gay (blatantly) - don’t turn your back or pick up any dropped change.

President Clinton and Monika - the true story ..

Some years ago President Clinton was hosting a state dinner when, at the last minute, his regular cook fell ill, and they had to get a replacement on short notice.The fellow arrived and turned out to be a very grubby-looking man named Jon.

The President voiced his concerns to his Chief of Staff but was told that this was the best they could do on such short notice.

Just before the meal, the President noticed the cook sticking his finger in the soup to taste it and again complained to the Chief Of Staff, but he was told that this man was supposed to be a very good chef.

The meal went okay, but the President was sure that the soup tasted a bit funny.

By the time dessert came, he was starting to have stomach cramps and nausea.

It was getting worse and worse until finally the President had to excuse himself from the dinner to look for the bathroom.

Passing through the kitchen, he caught sight of the cook, Jon, scratching his bum, which made him feel even worse.

By now, the President was desperately ill with violent cramps and was so disorientated that he couldn't remember which door led to the bathroom.

He tried every door in the hallway and was on the verge of passing out from the pain when he finally found a door that opened.

As he unzipped his trousers and ran in, he realized to his horror that he had stumbled into Monica Lewinsky's office with his trousers around his knees.

The President fell to the floor in pain and as he was just about to pass out, Monica bent over him to listen for a heartbeat and heard the President whisper in a barely audible voice,
"Sack my cook."

And, that is how the whole misunderstanding occurred.

Airbus A380 Vs Eurofighter Tempo Mach 2

An Airbus 380 is on its way across the Atlantic. It flies consistently at 800 km/h in 30,000 feet, when suddenly a Eurofighter with Tempo Mach 2 appears.

The pilot of the fighter jet slows down, flies alongside the Airbus and greets the pilot of the passenger plane by radio: "Airbus flight, boring flight isn’t it? Take care and have a look here!”

He rolls his jet on its back, accelerates, breaks through the sound barrier, rises rapidly to a dizzying height, only to swoop down almost to sea level in a breathtaking dive. He loops back next to the Airbus and asks, "Well, how was that?"

The Boeing pilot answers: "Very impressive, but now have a look here!"

The jet pilot watches the Airbus, but nothing happens. It continues to fly stubbornly straight, with the same speed. After five minutes, the Airbus pilot radioed, "Well, what are you saying now?"

The jet pilot asks confused: "What did you do?" The other laughs and says, "I got up, stretched my legs, went to the back of the flight to the bathroom, got a cup of coffee and a cinnamon cake and made an appointment with the stewardess for the next three nights - in a 5 Star hotel, which is paid for by my employer. "

The moral of the story is:
When you are young, speed and adrenaline seems to be great. But as you get older and wiser, comfort and peace are not to be despised either.

This is called S.O.S.: Slower, Older, Smarter.

Dedicated to all my friends who like me likes the S.O.S. approach and to share with their friends who need a good laugh and enlightenment 

Bill Gates resign as Microsoft CEO

Bill Gates has resigned as the 'Chairman of Microsoft' after receiving a letter from kuppuswamy. He was bright enough to handover the operations to an Indian, Satya Nadella 

It reads:

Saar,

I have some questions for you.... Please yanswer them:

Nambar wan) The keyboard alphabets are not in order, when will you launch the correct version?

Nambar too) There is yeh 'Start' button... but no 'Stop' button... where it is?

Nambar tree) I have already learned Microsoft Word, when are you " laanching" Microsoft Sentence?

Nambar for) There is yeh Recycle bin... but...there is nobody coming to collect that bin. Why???

Your name is Bill... But in India they orr selling computers without Bill... Why???

Yand finally yeh personal question: 
Your surname is Gates... But you are selling Windows... Why saar why??

Tom's Scrotum

The story of the year doesn't give the proper praise and credit for this painful but understandable story told by a loving wife....... Share with your friends and family to show gratitude to all those wonderful wives !

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.

Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise".

Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him." 

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Tom must have experienced. "Tom was unable to hold me or the  children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain"

We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.

"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom  is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.

He said, "I'm Tom Smith." The entire congregation held its breath.

"I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum."

That's the Sternum for your Info.. :D :D :D 

Short Dirty Jokes !

Six Laughs to Share with your friends !!


Number 1: 

A man was so jealous of his newly born baby that he put poison on the wife's nipples while she was asleep. The next day their driver died of poisoning. ****
💉

Number 2: 

A man is dying of cancer, but keeps telling people he is dying of AIDS. His son asked his Dad why. He answered, "so that when I am dead, no one will sleep with your mum." ****
👙

Number 3:  

A lady lost three panties in her house and blamed her maid in front of the husband. Maid said "sir. you are my witness you know I never wear panties!"
****
🔩

Number 4: 

Couple is having a quickie and their 6 year old catches them. "What are you doing?" Asks the son. 

Father: "I’m putting petrol in your Mom." 

Son: " Which means Mom’s engine is consuming too  much petrol, cause Uncle Pedro, just filled her tank yesterday evening!" Mother fainted!!!!
****
💵🍺

Number 5: 

A man went to the pub with his wife. 
When he left for the counter to buy drinks a prostitute approached his wife & whispered, "You must DEMAND cash before sex, I know him he doesn't pay. ****
🍼🎱

Number 6: 

An 8 year old boy is accused of rape. In court his lady lawyer holds his dick out as evidence saying, "Your Honour see this, can he rape with this tiny tot?

"The boy whispers, "Don't shake it, we'll lose the case!" ****
📭

Now that you've smiled, don't be stingy with the smiles, share them With 6 friends for 6 Laugh

What Sperms are made Of !!

MBBS Professor:
The Sperm is made up of Fructose , the same material Sugar is made of.

A Girl raised her hand:
"Then why doesn't it
taste like Sugar?" 

Suddenly silence in hall.


Girl:Oops. 😳😮😮😮


Then Professor's reply was also a Medical master piece:

My dear, 
Thats because, the taste buds are located on the tip of your Tongue and not at the end of your Throat

😂😂
Killer .........!

Prevent heart attacks in Women !!

A 54 year old woman had a heart attack & was taken 2 the hospital.

While on the operating table she had a near death experience.

Seeing God she asked, “Is my time up ?”

God said, “No, you have another 34 years to live.”

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital
& have a face-lift surgery, liposuction, & tummy tuck. She even changed her hair color

Finally she was released from the hospital.

While crossing the road on her way home, she was killed by a truck.

Arriving in front of God, she asked,

“You said I had another 34 years to live.
Why didn’t you save me from the truck?”

(You’ll love this)



.
.
God replied:

“I couldn’t recognize you!”
😝😝😝😝😝

The Nun and the Gynecologist

A nun went to a Gynecologist.

Doctor: “What is the problem?”

Nun: “Something, is terribly wrong, I keep finding postage stamps from Costa Rica in my vagina.”

Doctor checked and said: “Those aren’t postage stamps dear. They’re stickers pasted on the bananas imported from Costa Rica...”.

Marriage and Marijuana

In Canada, the government, in its eternal wisdom, recently passed two laws.

They are:

1. Legalized gay marriage

2. Legalized marijuana

Legalizing gay marriage and marijuana at the same time now makes perfect Biblical sense.

Leviticus 20:13 says: "If a man lies with another man they should be stoned.” Apparently we just hadn't interpreted it correctly before!

GHOST SEX...

A professor at the University was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies.

 To get a feel for his audience, he asks, 'How many people here believe in ghosts?'

 About 90 students raise their hands.

 Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?'

 About 40 students raise their hands.

 That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?'

 About 15 students raise their hand.

 Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?'

 Three students raise their hands.

 That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?'

 Way in the back, a young Arab student raises his hand.

 The professor takes off his glasses and says 'Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost.

You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience.'

The Arab student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium.

 When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, 'So, dear, tell us what it's like to have sex with a
 ghost?'

The student replied, "Wallah Habibi, from back there I thought you said "Goats."😜😜

Wife - Do not check your Innocent Husband's Phone

The wife checked  her husband's phone and found these names:

- The tender one 

- The amazing one 

- The Lady of my dreams

She got angry and called the first number to find out that was his mother.

Then she called the second number on which his sister replied.

When she dialed the third  number her own phone rang !!!!

She cried until her eyes got swollen because she had doubted  her innocent husband, so she gave him her whole months salary to  make up for her sin.

Once his mother came to know of the story, she sold all her jewelry and gave him the money

Husband took the money and bought a gift for his girlfriend whose name was saved  as......

"Abu Khalid the electrician”*