Why Women want to be Bears !

Sunday Morning Sex to the Churchbell !!

US Marine and the Wrong Bitch

The train was quite crowded and a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat.

There seemed to be one next to a well-dressed French woman, but when he got there, he saw it was taken by the woman's poodle.

The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"

The French woman sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat available was under that dog.

"Please, ma'am.  May I sit down? I'm very tired."

She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"

 This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window and sat down.

The woman shrieked, "Someone defend me! Put this American in his place!"

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up. "Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window".

The old lady who tried to commit Suicide Joke !

Aging Aunt Mildred was a 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.

Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out his old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman. The doctor said, 'Your heart would be just below your left breast'.

Later that night........ Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

these ol gals seems to want it !

And this one is getting there !!

Why women shouldn't be Golfing

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

 The ball hit one of the men and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in obvious agony.

 The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him earnestly.

"Ummph, oooh, noooo... I'll be fine in a few minutes", he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.

But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and put her hands inside. She began to massage his privates.
She then asked him, "How does that feel?"

 
He replied still in agony, "It feels great, but it doesn't do a thing for my thumb. It still hurts like hell!"

Ooouch !!

Dirty Jokes for Dirty Minds

WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED !!

Men Are Just Happier People because,

Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves. 

Chocolate is just another snack.  
You can never be pregnant.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal. 

You never have to drive to another petrol station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. 

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks and engines.. 

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. 

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. 

You never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original colour.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life. 

One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one colour for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.

You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes. 

The bakers Bread Shop looking for - Raisin Bread

A general store owner hired a young woman who liked to wear very short skirts and thong-panties. 

One day, a young man entered the store, glanced at the clerk, and glanced at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing the length of her skirt (or general lack thereof) and the location of the raisin bread, he had a brilliant idea.

He said, "I'd like some raisin bread, please".

She nodded and climbed up a ladder to reach it, where it was located on the very top shelf. He was standing almost directly beneath her, and was provided with an excellent view, just as he surmised he would be. 

 Once she descended the ladder, he mused that he really should get 2 loaves as he was having company for dinner. As she retrieved the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers in the store noticed what was going on. Thinking quickly, he requested his own loaf of raisin bread so he could continue to enjoy the view. 

With each trip up the ladder, the young lady seemed to catch the eye of another male customer. Pretty soon, each male customer was asking for raisin bread. After many trips, she was tired, irritated and thinking she was really going to have to try this bread for herself. Finally, once again atop the ladder, she stopped and fumed, glaring at the men standing below. 

She noticed an elderly man standing amongst the crowd staring up at her. Thinking to save herself a trip, she yelled at the old man, "Is yours raisin, too?"

He croaked,"No, but it's startin' to quiver".

Why Dady divorced Mom !!

A mother is driving her little girl to her friend's house for a play date.

' Mommy ,' the little girl asks, 'how old are you?'

'Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,' the mother replied. 'It's not polite.'

'OK', the little girl says, 'How much do you weigh?'

'Now really,' the mother says, 'those are personal questions and are really none of your business.'

Undaunted, the little girl asks, 'Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?'

'That's enough questions, young lady! Honestly!'

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

' My Mom won't tell me anything about her,' the little girl says to her friend.

'Well,' says the friend,'all you need to do is look at her driver's license. It's like a report card, it has everything on it.'

Later that night the little girl says to her mother,'I know how old you are. You are 32.'

The mother is surprised and asks,'How did you find that out?

'I also know that you weigh 130 pounds.'

The mother is past surprised and shocked now. 'How in Heaven's name did you find that out?'

'And,' the little girl says triumphantly, 'I know why you and daddy got a divorce.'

'Oh really?' the mother asks. 'Why?'

'Because you got an F in sex.

Pastor's Ass, funny Story !!!

The Pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again and it won again.

The following day local paper read:

 
PASTOR'S ASS OUT IN FRONT !

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.

The next day the local paper headline read:

BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS

This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Pastor to get rid of the donkey. The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:

NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN

The Bishop fainted. He informed the Nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey so she sold it to a farmer for $10.

 

The next day the paper read:

NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10

This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.

 
The next day the headlines read:

NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE

The Bishop was buried the next day 

Funny view of the world ...

Please click on Image for a larger Readable view !

" FATHER OF THE YEAR " 
 

A man boarded a plane with six kids. 

After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, "Are all of those kids yours ? " 
He replied,  " No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints. " 

This is what happened after the Talk :) !

Funny China - Funny Chinese Jokes - Chinese Philosophy - Confusious Says !

沒錢的時候，在家裡吃野菜；有錢的時候，在酒店吃野菜。
 When without money, eat wild vege at home;
 When have money, eat same wild vege in fine restaurant.
 沒錢的時候，在馬路上騎自行車；有錢的時候，在客廳裡騎自行車。
 When without money, ride bicycle;
 When have money, ride exercise machine.
 

 沒錢的時候,想結婚；有錢的時候,想離婚。
 When without money, wish to get married;
 When have money, wish to get divorced.
 沒錢的時候 ,老婆兼秘書；有錢的時候,秘書兼老婆。
 When without money, wife becomes secretary;
 When have money, secretary becomes wife.
 沒錢的時候,假裝有錢；有錢的時候,假裝沒錢。
 When without money, act like rich man;
 When with money, act like poor man.
  

人 啊，都不講實話：
 Man, O Man, never tells the truth:
 說股票是毒品，都在玩；說金錢是罪惡，都在撈；
 Says share market is bad but keeps speculating;
 Says money is evil but keeps accumulating.
  

說美女是禍水，都想要；說高處不勝寒，都在爬；
 Says high positions are lonely but keeps wanting them.
 說煙酒傷身體，就不戒；說天堂最美好，都不去!!!
 Says smoking & drinking is bad but keeps partaking;
 Says heaven is good but refuse to go.
 鄉下早晨雞叫人，城裡晚上人叫雞；
  

人生是什麼?
 What is life about?
 1 歲時出場亮相 ..At one, YOU are the top priority
 10 歲時功課至上 At ten, academic excellence is the top priority
 20 歲時春心盪漾 At twenty, getting dates is the top priority
 30 歲時職場對抗 At thirty, a good career is top priority
 40 歲時身材發胖 At forty, keeping your body in shape is top priority
 50 歲時打打麻將 At fifty, keeping up with competition with others is top priority
 60 歲時老當益壯 At sixty, having a united family is top priority
 70 歲 時 常 At seventy, remembering something is top priority
 80 歲時搖搖晃晃 At eighty, moving around is top priority
 90 歲時迷失方向 At ninety, knowing directions is top priority
 100 歲時掛上 At 100, having a nice portrait of yours on the wall is top priority!

Kulula Airlines - The Funniest in the Sky !!

WHAT A PITY KULULA DOESN'T FLY INTERNATIONALLY - WE SHOULD SUPPORT THEM IF ONLY FOR THEIR HUMOUR - SO TYPICALLY SOUTH AFRICAN.

Kulula is an Airline with head office situated in Johannesburg .

Kulula airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight "safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining.  Here are some real  examples that have been heard or reported:
--------------------------------------------------------------------

On a Kulula flight, (there is no assigned seating, you sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"

                 ---o0o---

On another flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights.  This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

                 ----o0o---

On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings.  If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."

                 ----o0o---

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane."

                 ---o0o---

 "Thank you for flying Kulula.  We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

                 ---o0o---

  As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Durban Airport , a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

                 ---o0o---

  After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in the Karoo , a flight attendant on a flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

                 ---o0o---

  From a Kulula employee:  " Welcome aboard Kulula 271 to Port Elizabeth .

  To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight.  It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public  unsupervised."

                  ---o0o---

  "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling.  Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face.  If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs.  If you are travelling with more than one small child, pick your favourite."

                 ---o0o---

  Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive.  Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Kulula Airlines."

                 ----o0o---

   "Your seats cushions can be used for flotation; and in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our  compliments."

                 ---o0o---

    "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings.

    Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants.  Please do not leave children or spouses.."

                 ---o0o--- 

     And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Kulula Airlines is pleased to announce that we have some of the best flight attendants in the industry.  Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

                 ---o0o---

     On Kulula flight 255 just after a very hard landing in Cape Town,  the flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I know what y'all are thinking.  I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault.  It was the asphalt."

                 ---o0o---

      On a Kulula flight into Cape Town on a particularly windy and bumpy day, during the final approach the Captain really had to fight it.  After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to The Mother City.  Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

                 ---o0o---

       Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

                 ---o0o---

        An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard.  The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline."  He said  that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment.

        Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?"

        "Why, no Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"

 

                 ---o0o---

        After a real crusher of a landing in Johannesburg , the attendant came on  with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate.  And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we will open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.."

                 ---o0o---



        Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement:  "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today.  And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of Kulula Airways."

                 ---o0o---

        Heard on a Kulula flight:  "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke,  the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing.  If you can light'em, you can smoke 'em."