My Wife !

We had a power outage at our house this morning....

My PC, laptop, TV, DVD, i Pad & my new surround sound music system were all shut down.

Then I discovered that my iPhone battery was flat and to top it off it was raining outside, so I couldn't play golf.

I went into the kitchen to make coffee and then I remembered that this also needs power, so I sat and talked with my wife for a few hours.
 

She seems like a nice person..
 

When Text Messages go wrong !

Husband’s Message (by cellphone): 

Honey, a car has hit me out of the office. Paula brought me to the Hospital. They have been making tests and taking X-rays. 

The blow to my head has been very strong, fortunately it seems that did not cause any serious injury, but I have three broken ribs, a compound fracture in the left leg, and they may have to amputate the right foot.

 
Wife’s Response:

Who is Paula?

Thanksgiving Funny !

Preparing your Thanksgiving day dinner? Here is how you prepare your Turkey !

Halloween Jokes !

Q: What do ghosts eat for supper?
A: Spooketi
Q: What do you do when 50 zombies surround your house?
A: Hope it’s Halloween!!
Q: What is the most important subject a witch learns in school?
A: Spelling.
Q: Why didn’t the skeleton want to go to school?
A: His heart wasn’t in it.

 Q: Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
A: He didn’t have any guts!
Q: Why did the skeleton cross the road?
A: To get to the body shop.
Q: Why didn’t the skeleton go to the ball?
A: Because he had no BODY to go with.
Q: What did the little girl say when she had to choose between a tricycle and a candy bar?
A: “Trike or Treat”?
Q: What do you call a fat pumpkin?
A: A plumpkin.
Q: What room does a ghost not need?
A: A living room!
Q: Why are ghosts so bad at lying?
A: Because you can see right through them!
Q: Who did Frankenstein take to the dance?
A: His “ghoul” friend!
Q: Why is Superman’s costume so tight?
A: Because he wears a size “S”.

Q: What do you get if you cross a cow and a monster?
A: An “udder” disaster!
Frankenstein: Witch can you make me a lemonade?
Witch: Poof you are a lemonade!
Q: What do you get when you cross a witch with sand?
A: A sandwich!
Q: What is a vampire’s favorite fruit?
A: A nectarine!
“Mommy, everyone says I look like a werewolf.”
“Please be quiet and comb your face.”
Q: What kind of dessert does a ghost like?
A: I scream!
Q: When is it bad luck to be followed by a black cat?
A: When you’re a mouse.
Q: What do birds say on Halloween?
A: Twick o tweet
Q: What do you get when you cross a Cocker Spaniel,
a Poodle and a ghost?
A: A cocker poodle boo.
Q: What do moms dress up as on Halloween?
A: Mummies!
Q: What is a ghost’s favorite fruit?
A: Booberries!
Q: What does a skeleton say before dinner?
A: Bone appetit!
Q: What does a witch use to keep her hair up?
A: Scarespray!
Q: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
A: Frostbite.
Q: What kind of pants do ghosts wear?
A: Boo-Jeans.
Q: Why do ghosts make good cheerleaders?
A: Because they have a lot of spirit.
Q: What did one owl say to the other owl?
A: Happy Owl-ween!
Q: Why is a skeleton so mean?
A: He doesn’t have a heart.
Q: What goes around a haunted house and never stops?
A: A fence.
Q: What did the ghost say to the other ghost?
A: Do you believe in humans?
Q: What do vampires take when they are sick?
A: Coffin drops!
Q: What do you get when you cross a duck with a vampire?
A: Count Quackula!
Q: What is a ghost’s favorite pie?
A: Booberry pie!
Q: Where do ghosts buy their food?
A: At the ghost-ery store!

Scratching Balls !

 

A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"

He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."

"Ok, Have you ever been in the military service?"

"Yes," he says, "I was in Iraq for one tour."

The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment." Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles."

The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Okay. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 am every day."

The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm, why don't you want me here until 10:00 am?"

"This is a government job", the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."

Young Girl in Hotel

Once an attractive young lady decides to celebrate her birthday by staying at a Luxury hotel.

The next day when the lady is checking out of the hotel, they give her a bill for $250/-. She is taken aback looking at the bill and starts fighting at the desk on such a big bill. The Manager comes in to end the ruckus with a customer.

He says ''Mam, we have so many facilities for our customer to use Free of cost such as Spa, Swimming pool, Gym etc., so that's why all the charges are included in it.''

The lady replies, but I have not used it, so why should i pay.

Manager says - That's your fault, but you have to pay.

The lady finally hands him over a cheque for $50.

The manager says this is only $50 what about the balance $200.

The lady replies, $200 for you sleeping and using me in the night.

Manager - But i haven't slept with you.

Lady - That's your fault, I was here full night and you could have used me, if you didn't, that's your fault.

 

Local FM Radio Show Contest

A local FM Radio was running a contest, and I phoned up. 

The RJ said, "Congratulations on being our first caller, all you have to do is answer the following question correctly, to win our grand prize."
 
"That's fantastic!" I shouted in delight.

"Feel confident?" she asked. "It's a maths question."

"Well, I've got a Masters in maths and am damn good at it," I proudly replied.

"Ok then, to win our grand prize of 2 front row seats to a "Justin Beiber's" concert and to meet him back stage. What is
2+2?"

 I replied, "-2.705" (Thought I was being Smart)

I heard someone say in the Background - "With that Answer, he deserves to be at a Beiber concert" :( 

Funny Weather Report Post !

Ever wonder why god does not allow much rain in the Middle East ??

Well, here is the reason - Proof that god keeps a track and knows when his creations are misused !!

Sexy Nuns get caught often !

It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath and the young nun, Sister Magdalene, had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed.

Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father John's nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray.

The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone ...

'Oh, sister,' said the young nun said dreamily, 'I've been saved.'

'Saved? and how did that come about?' asked the old nun.

'Well, when Father John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven.'

'Did he now?' said the old nun evenly ...

Sister Magdalene continued, 'And Father John said that if the key to heaven fit my lock, the portals of heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured salvation and eternal peace, and then Father John guided his key to heaven into my lock.' 

'Is that a fact?' said the old nun even more evenly.

'At first it hurt terribly, but Father John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy ... And it did, it felt so good being saved.'

'That wicked old bastard, said the old nun. 'He told me it was Gabriel's Horn, and I've been blowing it for 40 years!

 

Orgy at the Great Gatsby !

A teacher, during a casual conversation with one of her students, was amazed to hear that, there was an orgy scene in The Great Gatsby. But, she did not have no recollection of it. 

This is how the conversation ended.... 

Student 1 : Seriously, you don't remember that party scene when they were all together and sweaty and stuff ?

Teacher : But how could they have been having an orgy when they were all clothed?

Another Student across the table hears the conversation and decides to add his 2 cents to the topic.

Student 2 : You can have an orgy clothed...it's called a clergy.

 

 

 

Female Logic - always wrong !

For Sale: A Wedding Dress, Size 8. Once worn by Mistake.

Every Wife Is A ' Mistress" For Her Husband.
"Miss" For One Hour & "Stress" For the Rest 23 Hours..!.

There Are Two Times When A Man Doesn't Understand: A Woman - Before Marriage And After Marriage.

My Husband And I Divorced Over Religious Differences.
He Thought He Was God, And I Didn't.

Marriage Is Like A Public Toilet
Those Waiting Outside Are Desperate To Get In
& Those Inside Are Desperate To Come Out.

Why Were Hurricanes Usually Named After Women?
Because When They Arrive, They're Wet And Wild,
But when They Go, They Take Your House And Car..

Text Messaging
Husband Sends The Following Message To His Wife:
My Love,
If You're Sleeping, Send Me Your Dreams.
If You're Smiling, Send Me Your Smile.
If You're Crying, Send Me Your Tears.
I Love You.
Wife Texed Back :
I'm In The Toilet,
What Should I Send You? 

 
Whiskey Is A Brilliant Invention.
One Double And You Start Feeling Single Again

Ten Commandments of Marriage !

Commandment 1
Marriages are made in heaven.
But then again, so is thunder and lightning. 

Commandment 2 
If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep. 

Commandment 3 
Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least a 100 grand! 

Commandment 4 
Married life is very frustrating.
In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen. 
 

Commandment 5 
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: Either the car is new or the wife is. 

Commandment 6
Marriage is when a man and woman become as one;
The trouble starts when they try to decide which one. 

Commandment 7 
Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you said .  After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish. 

Commandment 8
Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife. 

Commandment 9
Marriage and love are purely a matter of chemistry.
That is why one treats the other like toxic waste. 

Commandment 10 
A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished. 

BONUS STORY
A long married couple came upon a wishing well. The wife leaned over, made a wish and threw in a coin
The husband decided to make a wish too. But he leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned.
The wife was stunned for a moment, but then smiled, 'It really works!'

Funny, True Management Lessons !

There was this state bank robbery in Guangzhou, the robber shouted to everyone:

"Don't move, money belongs to the state, life belongs to you".

Everyone in the bank laid down quietly.
This is called:

"Mind Changing Concept & Changing the conventional way of thinking".

One lady, lay on the table provocatively, the robber shouted at her,

"Please be civilized! This is a robbery and not a rape!"
This is called:

"Being Professional & Focus only on what you are trained to do!"

When the robbers got back, the younger robber (MBA trained) told the older robber (who is only primary school educated),

"Big bro, let's count how much we got."

The older robber rebutted and said,

"You very stupid, so much money, how to count, tonight TV will tell us how much we robbed from the bank!"
This is called:

"Experience & nowadays experience is more important than paper qualifications!"

After the robbers left, the bank manager told the bank supervisor to call the police quickly.

The supervisor says,

"Wait, wait wait, let's put the 5 million RMB we embezzled into the amount the robbers robbed".
This is called:

"Swim with the tide & converting an unfavourable situation to your advantage!"

The supervisor says,

"It will be good if there is a robbery every month".
This is called:

"Killing Boredom & Happiness is most important."

The next day, TV news reported that 100 million RMB was taken from the bank.

The robbers counted and counted and counted, but they could only count 20 million RMB.

The robbers were very angry and complained,

"We risked our lives and only took 20 million RMB, the bank manager took 80 million RMB with a snap of his fingers. It looks like it is better to be educated to be a thief!"
This is called:

"Knowledge is worth as much as gold !"

The bank manager was smiling and happy because his loss in the CINOPEC shares are now covered by this robbery.
This is called:

"Seizing the opportunity & daring to take risks!"