Funny Dear Santa Notes !

This is for Christmas - enough is enough - Santa please stop the bull-shit and give me my presents that I thoroughly deserve !!!!

Or, is it that Santa treats us like Todlers ?

Irony of a Funny Suicide Death !

Very Interesting Read !!!!!!



At the 1994 annual awards dinner given for Forensic Science, AFS President Dr Don Harper Mills astounded his audience with the legal complications of a bizarre death.


Here is the story:

On March 23, 1994 the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald Opus and concluded that he died from a shotgun wound to the head.


Mr Opus had jumped from the top of a ten-story building intending to commit suicide. He left a note to the effect indicating his despondency.


As he fell past the ninth floor his life was interrupted by a shotgun blast passing through a window, which killed him instantly.

Neither the shooter nor the deceased was aware that a safety net had been installed just below the eighth floor level to protect some building workers and that Ronald Opus would not have been able to complete his suicide the way he had planned.


"Ordinarily," Dr Mills continued, "A person who sets out to commit suicide and ultimately succeeds, even though the mechanism might not be what he intended, is still defined as committing suicide."


That Mr Opus was shot on the way to certain death, but probably would not have been successful because of the safety net, caused the medical examiner to feel that he had a homicide on his hands.


In the room on the ninth floor, where the shotgun blast emanated, was occupied by an elderly man and his wife. They were arguing vigorously and he was threatening her with a shotgun. The man was so upset that when he pulled the trigger he completely missed his wife and the pellets went through the window striking Mr Opus.

When one intends to kill subject "A" but kills subject "B" in the attempt, one is guilty of the murder of subject "B."


When confronted with the murder charge the old man and his wife were both adamant and both said that they thought the shotgun was unloaded. The old man said it was a long-standing habit to threaten his wife with the unloaded shotgun. He had no intention to murder her.


Therefore, the killing of Mr Opus appeared to be an accident; that is, if the gun had been accidentally loaded. The continuing investigation turned up a witness who saw the old couple's son loading the shotgun about six weeks prior to the fatal accident.


It transpired that the old lady had cut off her son's financial support and the son, knowing the propensity of his father to use the shotgun threateningly, loaded the gun with the expectation that his father would shoot his mother. Since the loader of the gun was aware of this, he was guilty of the murder even though he didn't actually pull the trigger.


The case now becomes one of murder on the part of the son for the death of Ronald Opus.

Now comes the exquisite twist. Further investigation revealed that the son was, in fact, Ronald Opus. He had become increasingly despondent over the failure Of his attempt to engineer his mother's murder. This led him to jump off the ten story building on March


23rd, only to be killed by a shotgun blast passing through the ninth story window.


The son had actually murdered himself.


So, the medical examiner closed the case as a suicide.


LOL !!

What to do after having sex !

This is the most beautiful Love story ever !!

A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend.

After having great sex ... She spent the next hour just rubbing his testicles ...


Something she just loved to do.

As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her,  "Why do you love doing that?"


Because ... She Replied ....


"I Really Miss Mine"

Funny Power of Observation !

A practical example of how the human mind works: In the picture below, we will analyze what it represents to some groups of people. Read the review after the photo...

• For young men, it's a nice ass. Only the most observant will define this as an ass crossing the street. The really observant will see the thong.

• For older men, it is a respectable woman with a nice ass crossing the street.

• The perverts will imagine her as a naked woman.

• The wise men will ponder the presence of mind of the photographer in the face of such beauty and gratitude that it was shared with humanity.

 

 ALSO !

 

• For half of the women, this is an ordinary woman who should not have left home dressed that way.

• The other half is wondering where she bought that blouse.

• The wise women imagine the misery that this will be at age 50.

• Children, the curious, and monks will probably notice a dog driving the taxi.

 

 

 

Don't be alarmed, I didn't see the dog either

Funny IT People !!

Some might consider IT people specially software engineers geeks. Well, as much as them being geeks, they do provide us with great entertainment. See pics below - you can click on them for larger views.

Funny Indian Taxi Driver !!

If you've ever had an Indian taxi driver you'll love this one...



A drunk woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi at Fortitude Valley in Brisbane.

The Indian driver opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman. He made no attempt to start the Cab.

"What's wrong with you Luv, haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?"

"I'll not be staring at you lady, I am telling you, that would not be proper, where I am coming from..."

"Well, if you're not bloody staring at me Luvie, what are you doing then?"

"Well, I am looking and looking, and I am thinking and thinking to myself, where is this lady keeping the money to be paying me?!"

Time Traveling in the Bar Joke

Click on Below Image for better reading view

It turns out that there's a scientific and logical explanation for why people (mostly men) spend so much time in pubs and only get home in the early hours of the morning. The reason for this odd behavior is based on Einstein's famous Relativity Theory.



It works like this:

It is a well-known fact that the more you drink, the faster you move. After about 8 beers (or 4 double brandies & coke, etc), you're moving at close to the speed of light, and this is where Einstein enters the picture. According to his Relativity Theory, anybody moving at, or close to the speed of light, undergoes Time Dilation, i.e. time for you in the pub passes slower than for an observer outside the pub.

Complicated calculations have shown that the pub becomes a type of time machine:- for every half-hour spent inside the pub, something like two hours pass outside the pub. A typical situation is: "OK guys, it's 8 o'clock, I'm gonna surprise the family and get home early!!" However, the moment this person steps outside the pub, the time travel effect is negated by negative radiation from the environment, and he/she then goes:" Why is it so quiet?? OMG!!! It's half past one!! WHAT HAPPENED???!!??" .and the answer, of course, is Time Dilation!!

I've tried to explain this to outside observers, but so far nobody (except Fellow time travellers) have been able or willing to understand the sound Scientific basis of this phenomenon.


Please forward this to all your known time travellers - maybe we can prove this theory by sheer, overwhelming force of numbers.

Express you Views on New Facebook (FB) Layout !

With the new look of Facebook, one could nothing but wonder what on earth Mister Mark Zack is up to.... Well here is our view !!!!

Seriously !!! don't you think it's so true ???? They have copied all others to bring to us the new Facebook !!

This future is not that far !!!

Funny Drinking Stories !

CLICK for more funny drinking stuff 


"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink I feel shame. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes and dreams . If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
~ Jack Handy

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. "
~Frank Sinatra

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
~ Henny Youngman

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."
~ Stephen Wright

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!"
~ Brian O'Rourke

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
~ Benjamin Franklin

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."
~ Dave Barry

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


To some it 's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
~ Dave Howell

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers.


One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. Here's how it went:


"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

MAJOR WARNING - ALCOHOL MAY INFLUENCE YOU TO  SEE UGLY GIRLS AS PRETTY.

Funny Definition on Globalization !

A definition of globalization that I can understand and to which I now can relate:

Question:

What is the truest definition of Globalization?

Answer:

Princess Diana's death.

Question:

How come?

Answer :

An

English princess

with an

Egyptian boyfriend

crashes in

A French tunnel,

riding in a

German car

with a

Dutch engine,

driven by

A Belgian

who was

drunk on Scottish whisky,

followed closely by

Italian Paparazzi,

on

Japanese motorcycles,

treated by

An American doctor,

using

Brazilian medicines.

This post was originated Possibly by

A Jobless time wasting Indian,

using

American Bill Gates' technology,

and

you're probably reading this on your computer, that uses

Taiwanese chips, and a Korean monitor,

assembled by

Bangladeshi workers

in a

Singapore plant,

transported

by Pakistani truck drivers,

hijacked

by Indonesians,

unloaded by

Sicilian longshoremen,

and

trucked to you by Mexican illegals......

That, my friend, is Globalization !

Farmer and Pretty woman in Bar Joke !

A chicken farmer went to a local bar.... Sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne..



The woman perks up and says, 'How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!'


What a coincidence' the farmer says. 'This is a special day for me.... I am celebrating'


This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!' says the woman.

'What a coincidence!' says the farmer! As they clinked glasses the man asked, 'What are you celebrating?'


'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!'


'What a coincidence,' says the man. 'I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.'

'That's great!' says the woman. 'How did your chickens become fertile?'


I used a different cock,' he replied.


The woman smiled and said, 'What a coincidence.'

Apple iphone 4 S and typo T9 errors !

MORE TYPO ERRORS HERE

Well, how many times have you typed an SMS on your phone with the T9 on and it has given you words that made you roll over and laugh your A$$ off ?? Especiall yon new apple iphone.

Here are some typo errors that I got on mail which indeed will remind you of the mistakes you did and ensure that you have a good laugh. - Ok here we go - LONG funny Post

 Apple 4S T9 typo error Sandra Sexy Dad caught cheating

 epic typo error t9 on iphonenew apple i pod ipad iphone steve jobs free apple computers

get your new phone serviced and repaired by applelatest iphone designs nikia sony samsung galaxy tabs

 daughter caught cheating to dad and momfunny t9 typo errors mesage from father to daughter mother to father grandmother girlfreind boy freind family

 dad and mom about to fuck

MORE Errors Here !!!

http://barabare.blogspot.com/2011/05/funny-phone-t9-typo-errors.html