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Tuesday, October 30, 2012

Funny Pictures !

Some pics I got from a board on Pinit. Re-pin if you think this is funny. Also, click on image for a larger picture.... the larger the picture, funnier it is !!

Definitions to Laugh !

Just for Laughs

What do men do after sex?

2% eat; 3% smoke cigarettes; 4% take a shower; 5% go to sleep and 86% get up and go back home to their wives.

16 TO 19     BRAND NEW.
29 TO 36     SECOND HAND 
56 TO 60     TOTAL WRECK
61 TO 70     CLOSED FOR  RENOVATION!!!!!!!


Why is your penis better than a credit card? 

(a)   Once spent it recharges itself. 
(b)   It is accepted worldwide.
(c)   You can let your wife use it as much as she wants.


LITTLE GIRL:     Mommy, I just found out that our
                      neighbour's son has a penis like a peanut!
MUM:               You mean it's small?
LITTLE GIRL:      No it's salty!!!


A couple recently married was happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the hole, and she was happy with the thing.


A man was carrying 3 babies in a train.
The lady sitting next to him asked: Are they your babies?

MAN: No, I work in a condom factory and these are customer COMPLAINTS.


Women top 5 lies:  from the whitest down

5.   I am a virgin.  
4.   It is so big.
3.   I can't do that to my best friend.
2.   I won't gain weight after marriage
1.   I am coming! I am coming!!!


A guy goes up to a girl in a bar and says: You want to play magic. She says: What is that? He says: We go Home, screw, and then you disappear. 


What is the closest thing to a woman's period?

Your SALARY... It comes once a month, lasts 4 or 5 days, and if it doesn't come, you are F*CKED!!!


Teacher asked: Which part of the body goes to heaven first?  

A Kid replied : The legs...because every night I see my mum's legs up high and screaming "OH GOD! I'M COMING".


Teacher: Why did you bring your cat to school?

Pupil : Because I heard my sister's boyfriend  say,  "TONIGHT I WILL EAT YOUR PUSSY".


What's the difference between a panty and a stage curtain? 

Answer : When you pull down the stage curtain, show is over, but when you pull down the PANTY... IT'S SHOWTIME. 


MUM: Didn't I tell you if a stranger touches your breast say "DON'T".  And if he touches your pussy say STOP!

GIRL : But mum, he touched both, so I told him  DON'T STOP!!!!"



9 INCHES -      Oh Shit, pain!!
7 INCHES -      Oh, I'm in heaven
3 INCHES -      IS THAT IN???

Morris  returns from the doctor and tells his wife that  the Doctor  has told him that he has only 24 hours to  live.

Given  the prognosis, Morris Asks his wife for  sex. Naturally,  she agrees, so they make love.

About 6 hours later,  the Husband goes to his wife and  says, 'Honey,  you know I now have Only 18 hours to  live. Could  we please do it one more  time?' Of  course, the wife agrees, and they do it  again.

Later,  as the man gets into bed, he looks at  his watch and  realizes that he now has
Only 8 hours  left. He  touches his wife's shoulder and  asks, 'Honey,  please... Just one
More time before I  die.' She  says, 'Of course, Dear,' and they make  love for the third time.

After  this session, the wife rolls over and  falls to sleep. Morris,  however, worried about his impending  death, tosses  and turns, until he's down to 4 more  hours.
He  taps his wife, who rouses. "Honey, I  have only 4 more hours. Do  you think  we

At  this point the wife sits up and says,  'Listen Morris, enough is  enough. I  have to get up in the morning... You  don't.' 


Monday, October 29, 2012

The Best vehicle in the WORLD !

Women are the best vehicles in the World
Two beautiful headlights in the front
A great bumper in the back
Self lubricating when HOT, finger touch ignition
Automatic engine oil change every month
Any type of piston fits
Multiple seating styles and adjustments
Comes with great accessories
Has highest mileage in 9 months in just 5 ml
That's why men are dying to get a ride

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

A Few Rules to Follow around the House - Funny !


1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks from time to time, cleans up, and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.
3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust, and doesn't lie to you.
4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed, and likes to be with you. 

5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other (or you will end up Iron Man 3 - do your own ironing :( )

When Having a Puppy in House,

1. You wake every morning to a healthy game of "Can you find your slippers ?"
2. Pee patches in your house show you exactly where the floor is sloped wrong.
3. Furniture becomes the best ever chew toys
4. You get woken up in bed at 3 am for play time ( and then again at 4. 30 am )
5. The kid's name and the puppy's get constantly mixed up. ( 
you even use the same tone of voice )
 6. Weekends out are no longer an option 
7. Any Long dress item is not an option
8. The canine time-space continuum seems to create 'black holes' behind couches, cupboards and beds into which various items are dragged never to be seen again
9. The pup sometimes gets a 3 course meal while you are expected to make do with bread and .... ( well something ! )
10. Remote controls, Mobile phones and pencil cases are considered fair game

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Funny English language

The English Plural We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes,But the plural of ox becomes oxen, not oxes.One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,Yet the plural of moose should never be meese.You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice,Yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.

If the plural of man is always called men, Why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?If I speak of my foot and show you my feet,And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,Why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?


Then one may be that, and there would be those, Yet hat in the plural would never be hose,And the plural of cat is cats, not cose.We speak of a brother and also of brethren,But though we say mother, we never say methren.Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,But imagine the feminine: she, shis and shim!

Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger;Neither apple nor pine in pineapple.English muffins weren't invented in England.

We take English for granted, but if we explore its paradoxes, We find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square,And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.And why is it that writers write, but fingers don't fing,Grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?

Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them,What do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

Sometimes I think all the folks who grew up speaking English Should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.In what other language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?
We ship by truck but send cargo by ship... We have noses that run and feet that smell.We park in a driveway and drive in a parkway.And how can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same,While a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language In which your house can burn up as it burns down, In which you fill in a form by filling it out,And in which an alarm goes off by going on. And in closing..........

If Father is Pop, how come Mother's not Mop.???

Monday, October 22, 2012

Latest research results On Beer

Beer contains female hormones!
Yes, that's right, FEMALE hormones!

Last month, Montreal University and scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption.

The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain Phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.

To test the theory, 100 men each drank 8 schooners of beer within a one (1) hour period.

It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects, yes, 100% of all these men:
1) Argued over nothing.

2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.

3) Gained weight.
4) Talked excessively without making sense.
5) Became overly emotional.
6) Couldn't drive.
7) Failed to think rationally.

8) Had to sit down while urinating.

No further testing was considered necessary!

Thursday, October 18, 2012

More Prank E-Mails !

This guy is brilliant. I had another one of his posts on my blog before. Enjoy this.. pretty cool !

Original ad:
I need someone who speaks japanese to help me translate something. wont take too long. please email me ASAP!
From Me to ************@***********.org:

Hi! You need Japanese translate? I Chan, I help you with translate.

- Chan

From Scott ******* to Me:

hey chan. so ok heres the deal. my cd player suddenly stopped working and i cant figure out why. for some reason the only manual i have is entirely in japanese. i took a pic of the page im pretty sure its the trouble shooting part. can you see if it says anything about no sound coming from the output?

Description: http://dontevenreply.com/images/troubleshoot.gif

From Me to Scott *******:

Ok, I find three thing may help you:

"Failure of Sound from Device"
"Skipping of disc for poor sound"
"Sound volume low very much"

- Chan

From Scott ******* to Me:

umm..what does it say for the failure of sound one?

From Me to Scott *******:

"Hello and thank you for chose glorious master CD player! Apologies many for trouble of product. To fix failure of the sound, follow step:

1. Unplug glorious master CD player
2. Plug glorious master CD player back in"

I hope this help!

- Chan

From Scott ******* to Me:

that doesnt help me at all. is that all it says?

From Me to Scott *******:

Oh no! Very sorry. There more steps to help you! Here:

"If still experience failure of the sound, your glorious master CD player possessed by audio demon. To banish audio demon, follow step:

1. Ignite seven candle
2. Pray to Benzaiten, Goddess of Music
3. Benzaiten will banish audio demon to eternal suffering
4. Try play CD again

If you fail banishing of audio demon, you failure. Much dishonor of family name. Suggest immediate death by Seppuku."

I hope you banish audio demon! Much luck.

- Chan

From Scott ******* to Me:

wtf? does it really say that?

From Me to Scott *******:

I just translate what you give.

From Scott ******* to Me:

no way it says that. what kind of useless manual is this? how is that supposed to help anyone?

From Me to Scott *******:

Very sorry, audio demon big problem with many CD player! I have sword, much sharp, good for seppuku. You want borrow?

From Scott ******* to Me:

wtf are you talking about. an audio demon? this is BS. are you screwing with me?

From Scott ******* to Me:

did i send the wrong page? i think this is the table of contents. can you look at this and tell me which page is the troubleshooting one? then ill send you that one

Description: http://dontevenreply.com/images/toc.gif

From Me to Scott *******:

That no table of content, that Sushi take-out menu! Try #16, Spicy Salmon Roll! Much delicious!

From Scott ******* to Me:

..........ok buddy. thanks for nothing you jackass

Monday, October 15, 2012

The Mature Jokes !

He was a widower and she a widow.

They had known each other for a number of years being
high school classmates and having attended class reunions in the past without fail.

This 60th anniversary of their class, the widower and the widow made a foursome with two other singles.

They had a wonderful evening, their spirits high.
The widower throwing admiring glances across the table.

The widow smiling coyly back at him.

Finally, he picked up courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?"

After about six seconds of careful consideration, she answered, "Yes,..... yes I will!"

The evening ended on a happy note for the widower.

But the next morning he was troubled.

Did she say Yes? or did she say No?

He couldn't remember.

Try as he would, he just could not recall.
He went over the conversation of the previous evening, but his mind was blank.

He remembered asking the question but for the life of him he could not recall her response.

With fear and trepidation, he picked up the phone and called her. 

First, he explained that he couldn't remember as well as he used to.
Then he reviewed the past evening.

As he gained a little more courage he then inquired of her.

"When I asked if you would marry me, did you say Yes? or did you say No?

"Why you silly man, I said Yes.

Yes I will ! And I meant it with all my heart."

The widower was delighted.

He felt his heart skip a beat.

Then she continued.

"And I am so glad you called because I couldn't remember who asked me!  

Enjoy !

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