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Thursday, September 29, 2011

A Funny Ghost Story !

This story happened a while ago in Dublin , and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's true.

John Bradford , a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm. The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped. John , desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door... only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on.
The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of nowhere through the window, and turned the wheel. John , paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.
Shortly thereafter, John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength, he jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.

A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying and wasn't drunk.

Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark and stormy night.. They, like John , were also soaked and out of breath.

Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other.... 'Look Paddy......there's that freaking idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!'

Monday, September 26, 2011

Anger Management Tips - Funny !

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I had forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying ‘Hello.’ I politely said, ‘This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?’

Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear

Get the right f***ing number!’ and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn’t believe that anyone could be so rude.When I tracked down Robyn ‘s correct number to call her, and after hanging up with her, I decided to call the ‘wrong’ number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled ‘You’re an asshole!’and hung up.

I wrote his number down with the word ‘asshole’ next to it, and put it in my desk drawer.

Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I’d call him up and yell, ‘You’re an asshole!’It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic ‘asshole’ calling would have to stop.

So, I called his number and said, ‘Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company, I’m calling to see if you’re familiar with our mobile Caller ID Program?’

He yelled ‘NO!’and slammed down the phone.

I quickly called him back and said, ‘That’s because you’re an asshole!’ and hung up.


One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for.

I hit the horn and yelled that I’d been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a ‘For Sale ‘ sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had his number on speed dial,) I thought that I’d better call the BMW asshole, too.

I said, ‘Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?’

He said, ‘Yes, it is.’

I then asked, ‘Can you tell me where I can see it?’

He said as sweetly as he could,’Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax . It’s a yellow ranch style house and the car’s parked right out in front.’

I asked, ‘What’s your name?’ He said, ‘My name is Don Hansen,’
I asked, ‘When’s a good time to catch you, Don?’ He said, ‘I’m home every evening after five.’

I said, ‘Listen, Don, can I tell you something?’ He said, ‘Yes, of course you can?’

I said, ‘Don, you’re an asshole!’ Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.

Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call. Then I came up with an idea…

I called asshole #1.He said,’Hello.’ I said, ‘You’re an asshole!’ (But I didn’t hang up.)

He asked, ‘Are you still there?’

I said, ‘Yeah!’

He screamed, ‘Stop calling me’.

I said, ‘Make me,’

He asked,’Who are you?’

I said,’My name is Don Hansen.’

He said, ‘Yeah? Where do you live?’

I said, ‘Asshole, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax , a yellow ranch style home and I have a black Beamer parked in front.’

He said, ‘I’m coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers.’

I said, ‘Yeah, like I’m really scared, asshole,’ and hung up.

Then I called Asshole #2.

He said, ‘Hello?’

I said, ‘Hello, asshole,’

He yelled, ‘If I ever find out who you are…’

I said,’You’ll what?’

He exclaimed,’I'll kick your ass,’

I answered,’Well, asshole, here’s your chance.I’m coming over right now.’

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax , and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.Then I called Channel 7 News about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd in Fairfax .

I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax. I got there just in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew.

NOW I feel much better. Anger management really does work.

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Funny Weird Questions that has no Answeres

These definitly are Questions without answeres or the ones where you have to think more than twice prior to answering.

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard when he lives in the jungle without a razor?

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?

Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?

What is the speed of darkness?

Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up every two hours?

If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?

Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Did you ever stop and wonder........

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these pink dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?'

Who was the first person to say, 'See that chicken there... I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's bum.'

Why do toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their bum when they ask where the bathroom is?

Why does your Gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs !

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
(Stop singing and read on......)

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Another Irish Joke !

Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up.

Michael O'Connor looks around and asks, 'Oh, me boys, someone got to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?'

They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.

'Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me.'

Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers, and asks what he wants.

Gallagher declares, 'Your husband just lost $500, and is afraid to come home.'

'Tell him to drop dead!', says Murphy's wife..

'I'll go tell him.' says Gallagher.

Monday, September 19, 2011

Obama Joke - Ship Captain needing Change !

There's an old sea story about a ship's Captain who inspected his sailors , and afterward told the first mate that his men smelled bad..

The Captain suggested perhaps it would help if the sailors would change underwear occasionally.

The first mate responded , "Aye , aye sir , I'll see to it immediately!"

The first mate went straight to the sailors berth deck and announced , "The Captain thinks you guys smell bad and wants you to change your underwear."

He continued , "Pittman , you change with Jones , McCarthy , you change with Witkowski , and Brown , you change with Schultz."


Someone may come along and promise "Change", but don't count on things smelling any better.

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

List of rules for Women when Men Watch Sports !

Extremely important advice and recommendations to be passed on to wives, girlfriends, fiancées, mothers, sisters, daughters, etc. (to all women in General)

These rules are to be communicated prior to the World Cup in September/October this year...


List of Rules (Read and print them)

1. From 9 Sep to October 2011, you should read the sports section of the newspaper so that you are aware of what is going on regarding the World Cup, and that way you will be able to join in the conversations. If you fail to do this, then you will be looked at in a bad way, or you will be totally ignored. DO NOT complain about not receiving any attention.

2.. During the World Cup, the television is mine, the VCR and DVD are all mine, at all times, without any exceptions. If you even take a glimpse of the remote control, you will lose it (your eye).

3. If you have to pass by in front of the TV during a game, I don't mind, as long as you do it crawling on the floor and without distracting me. If you decide to stand nude in front of the TV, make sure you put clothes on right after because if you catch a cold, I won't have time to take you to the doctor or look after you during the World Cup month.

4. During the games I will be blind, deaf and mute, unless I require a refill of my drink or something to eat. You are out of your mind if you expect me to listen to you, open the door, answer the telephone, or pick up the baby that just fell from the second floor....it won't happen.

5. It would be a good idea for you to keep at least 2 six packs in the fridge at all times, as well as plenty of things to nibble on, and please do not make any funny faces to my friends when they come over to watch the games. In return, you will be allowed to use the TV between 12pm and 3pm, unless they replay a good game that I missed during the day.

6. Please, please, please!! If you see me upset because one of my teams is losing, DO NOT say "get over it, it's only a game", or "don't worry, they'll win next time". If you say these things, you will only make me angrier and I will love you less. Remember, you will never ever know more about rugby than me and your so called "words of encouragement" will only lead to a break up or divorce.

7. You are welcome to sit with me to watch one game and you can talk to me during half time but only when the commercials are on, and only if the half time score is pleasing me. In addition, please note I am saying "one" game, hence do not use the World Cup as a nice cheesy excuse to "spend time together".

8. The replays of the tries are very important. I don't care if I have seen them or I haven't seen them, I want to see them again. Many times, and record them.

9. Tell your friends NOT to have any babies, or any other child related parties or gatherings that requires my attendance because:

a) I will not go,

b) I will not go, and

c) I will not go.

10. But, if a friend of mine invites us to his house on a Sunday to watch a game, we will be there in a flash.

11. The daily World Cup highlights show on TV every night is just as important as the games themselves. Do not even think about saying "but you have already seen this...why don't you change the channel to something we can all watch??", the reply will be: "Refer to Rule #2 of this list".

12. And finally, please save your expressions such as "Thank goodness the World Cup is only every 4 years".

I am immune to these words, because after this comes the 20 Twenty World Cup, etc etc.

Thank you for your cooperation,

Thursday, September 8, 2011

A collection of funny Photographs and Sayings !

This post is about funny angelina jolie picture and on how to make one of the most beautiful women on earth turn damn ugly

How a stupid body builder gets his grandma to take is picture

Making fun out of a innocent fat boy in a school class room

a news reader who truned out to be a whore just because of a silly spelling mistake
and a rock star looking church minister who preaches how to become a rock star and who to do drugs - trust me drugs would kill you but rock stars do take drugs and die young - wondefully stupid bastards !

Thursday, September 1, 2011

Cheating Wife Funnies

A Man get's a MMS message from his Freind with the following picture and text saying - "I am at your house. Having Loads of Fun. You should come here soon"

The Man is disgusted and angered about his wife's actions. He returns home immediately after work. Starts beating the wife.

The Wife askes "What have I done to deserve this?"

He shows the Picture to the Wife stating "I know what you were up to"

The Wife calmly zooms out the photograph and he sees this....

Then, She slaps the Husband and says "You Missed your Son's Birthday you misserable Squeek"

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