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Monday, April 29, 2013

Health Tip - Shampoo in Shower !

DO NOT wash your hair in the shower!!

It's so good to finally get a health warning that is useful !!!


Shampoo Warning ! 
I don't know WHY I didn't figure this out sooner ! 

I use shampoo in the shower ! When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body, and printed very clearly on the shampoo label is this warning, "FOR EXTRA BODY AND VOLUME."

No wonder I have been gaining weight ! 

Well ! I got rid of that shampoo and I am going to start showering with Dawn Dish-washing Soap. It's label reads, "DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE."

Problem solved -


Monday, April 22, 2013

I dream of the United States of America - a Joke !

The conversation happens between two Mexicans, high on drugs !!
Mexican 1 - Hey, last night I dreamed that I was in US of America.

Mexican 2 - Seriously Mann ? I had a major dream too mann...

Mexican 1 - What was that about? Surely you didn't dream of USA.

Mexican 2 - No, No, No, Mann !! I was waiting for a bus and this gorgeous, sexy girl in a micro miniskirt came and stood by me and started dirty talking. She wanted me to come to a hotel room with her.

Mexican 1 - Well, did you go?

Mexican 2 - Well, as I was to go to her hotel room, an even more gorgeous blond girl in a see through dress came to me and wanted me to come to her hotel room. I could not decide on whom to chose.

Mexican 1 - You are a bad friend man !! You should have called me at home and got me to come. We could have shared the two girls. I will befriend you from today...

Mexican 2 - Hey Hey Hey !! Wait up man !!! I did call your home...

Mexican 1 - Don't lie Mann.. I did not get a call....

Mexican 2 - I did Mann.... Ask your mom.. She is the one who said that you were in the US of America !!!!!!!!!!!!! 

Saturday, April 20, 2013

Did Noah Build a New Ark ?

In the year 2013, the Lord came unto Noah, Who was now living in America and said: "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans."

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying: "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark."Noah!," He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"

"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed." "I needed a Building Permit."
"I've been arguing with the Boat Inspector about the need for a sprinkler system."

"My homeowners association claim that I've violated the Neighborhood by-laws by building the Ark in my back yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the local Planning Committee for a decision."

"Then the City Council and the Electricity Company demanded a shed load of money for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear none of it."

"Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the Greater Spotted Barn Owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!"

"When I started gathering the animals, PETA took me to court. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodations were too restrictive and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space."

"Then the Environmental Protection Agency ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on Your proposed flood."

"I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew."

"The Immigration Dept. Is checking the visa status of most of the people who want to work."
"The labor unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only union workers with ark-building experience."

"To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species."
"So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this ark."

"Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine and a rainbow stretched across the sky."

Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"

"No," said the Lord. " The Government beat me to it."

Wednesday, April 17, 2013

Few Marriage Jokes !

1. Quote on a man’s T-shirt:
All women are devils...
But my wife is QUEEN of them!

2. Man was sent on earth to suffer...
Women was sent to make sure it happens!

3. A man asked for poison.
Chemist refused, since it required prescription.
He showed his Marriage Certificate.

4. Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right,
And other is husband!

5. Husband & Wife always compromise.
Husband always admits that he is wrong, and wife agrees with him.

6. Husband & wife had a long argument.
Wife concluded: See dear; do you want to WIN or be HAPPY?

7. A man speaks 25000 words daily,
a woman speaks 30000 words.
Problem starts when husband comes from office after finishing his 25000,
& wife starts her quota of 30000 words!

8. Boy: My dad is billionaire & 93-years old.
He will die soon. Will you marry me?
Girl: NO. A week later she became his step-mother.
Moral: Don’t give ideas to girls.

9. Two things in life are difficult to achieve:
(1) to plant your idea in someone’s head, &
(2) to plant somebody’s money in your pocket.
* He who succeeds in the 1st, we call him TEACHER;
* He who succeeds in the 2nd, we call him GOVERNMENT;
* The one who succeeds in both, we call WIFE; &
* The one who fails in both, we call HUSBAND!

10. Husband: Do you know the meaning of WIFE?
It Means-Worries Invited For Ever...
Wife: No; it means- With Idiot For Ever !!!

11. No one teaches a volcano how to erupt...
No one teaches a tsunami how to arise…
No one teaches a hurricane how to sway around...
No one teaches a man how to choose a wife…
Natural Disasters just happen…!!!

12. Why are wives more dangerous than the Mafia?
The mafia wants either or money or life...
The wives want both!

13. Searching these keywords on Google 'How to tackle wife?'
Google search result, 'Good day sir, Even we are searching'.

14. Compromising does not mean you are wrong and your wife is right.
It only means that the safety of your head is much more important than your ego!

15. Imagine living with 3 wives in one compound and never leaving the house for 5 years.
Osama Bin Laden must have called the US Navy Seals himself!

16. Whisky is a brilliant invention…
One double and you start feeling single again.

17. American: In India, do you guys call your wives ‘HONEY’ in your native language?
Indian: Oh no; we call them BEE-BEE… they sting twice as hard as HONEY BEE…

Tuesday, April 16, 2013

Stuff that Piss Me Off !


Wimbledon hopeful Simona Halep wants surgery to reduce the size of her breasts.

Halep is seen as one of the tennis stars of the future after winning a host of junior titles and a place in the final of the junior French Open last year.

But the 5-foot-5-inch Romanian tennis star said she thinks her 34DD bust is holding her back. "This autumn I'll have a breast reduction operation" Halep said.

"The breasts make me uncomfortable when I play." "It's the weight that troubles me and my ability to react quickly" she added.




34DD ?


Monday, April 8, 2013

Sleeping with Sexy Room Mate ?

A Mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl roommate.
During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty his roommate was.She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious....
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between him and his roommate than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, his son volunteered, “I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you,we are just roommates."

About a week later, his roommate came to him saying, “Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver plate. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

He said ,"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure." He sat down and wrote :

Dear Mother:

I'm not saying that you ‘did' take the silver plate from my house, I'm not saying that you ‘did not' take the silver plate But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

your son.

Several days later, he received an email from his Mother which read:

Dear Son:

I'm not saying that you ‘do' sleep with your roommate, and
I'm not saying that you ‘do not' sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the silver plate by now, under her pillow…


Sunday, April 7, 2013

Air Plane Mishap !

An airplane pilot was welcoming the passengers on the plane shortly after take-off.

"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number
321, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and
therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back
and...," when suddenly he starts screaming while he is still on the loud
speakers, "OMG! OMG! OMG! This is going to hurt... OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Silence reigned! You can hear a pin-drop. He gets back on the microphone
talking to the passengers, "Ladies and gentlemen, I am so sorry if I
scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight attendant
brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You
should see the front of my pants!"

A passenger hollered, "Why don't you come back here and see OUR PANTS FROM BEHIND."

Monday, April 1, 2013

Funny Short Jokes !

They say that marriage makes a man dizzy, and it's true.
As soon as I got a wife, I lost my balance at the bank.

Men want 3 qualities in wives: Economist in kitchen, artist in home & devil in bed.

But they get artist in kitchen, devil in home & economist in Bed.

Q: Why do women live longer than men?

A: Shopping never causes heart attacks, but paying the bill does!

Before marriage: Roses are red, sky is blue. U r beautiful, I luv u.
After marriage: Roses are dead, I'm blue. U r my headache, one day I'll leave u.

Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends.

You order what you want, and then when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that.

Man: Is there any way for long life?

Dr : Get married.
Man: Will it help?
Dr : No, but the thought of long life will never come.

Why do couples hold hands during their wedding?
It's a formality just like two boxers shaking hands before the fight begins!

Wife: Darling, today is our anniversary, what should we do?
Husband: Let us stand in silence for 2 minutes, and then sit down and meditate for an hour, as to where we went wrong upto date, and start afresh!

What did the gangster's son tell his dad when he failed his examination?

'Dad, they questioned me for 3 hours, but I never told them anything!'

What's the difference between people who pray in church and those who pray in
The ones in the casinos are stupids, but their prayers are serious.

When I was young I used to pray for a bike, then I realized that God doesn't work that way, so I stole a bike and prayed for forgiveness.
Knowingly committed sin is never forgiven, so,do not waste your time to do a confessional!

A little boy went up to his father and asked : 'Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?'
His father replied,
'Well, son, you must have gotten it from your mother, because I still have mine.'

Jimmy's teacher sent a note home to his mother, saying : 'Jimmy seems to be a very bright boy, but spends too much of his time thinking about girls.'
The mother wrote back the next day, 'If you find a solution, please advise him and let
me know, I have the same problem with his father!'

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