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Monday, December 26, 2011

Talking Dog for Sale

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale '. He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'

The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA.

In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'

'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running.

But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger, so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.'

'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's a liar. He's never been out of the yard'

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Select from these !





Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Rules of Boozing !

A few Drinking / Boozing related Quotes

There's nought, no doubt, so much the spirit calms as rum and true religion. - Lord Byron, Don Juan, Second Canto

What's drinking? A mere pause from thinking! - Lord Byron, The Deformed Transformed

Oh brother, be a brother, fill this tiny cup of mine. And please, sir, make it whiskey: I have no head for wine! - Nick Cave, lyric, "Brother My Cup is Empty"

I drink when I have occasion, and sometimes when I have no occasion. - Miguel de Cervantes, Don Quixote[specific citation needed]

A man who doesn't drink is not, in my opinion, fully a man. - Anton Chekhov (1860-1904), Russian author.

It is most absurdly said, in popular language, of any man, that he is disguised in liquor; for, on the contrary, most men are disguised by sobriety. - Thomas de Quincey, Confessions of an English Opium-Eater (1856).

Monday, December 19, 2011

Thoughts from Man's heart

When we are born, our mothers get the compliments and the flowers. When we are married, our brides get the presents and the publicity. When we die, our widows get the life insurance.

What do women want to be liberated from?

  The average man's life consists of:

Twenty years of having his mother ask him where he is going, Forty years of having his wife ask the same question - and at the end, the mourners wondering too where he is going.


Everyone in the wedding ceremony was watching the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle to give away to the groom. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand. Everyone in the room was wondering what was given to the father by the bride.

The father could feel the suspense in the air and all eyes were on him to divulge the secret and say something. So he announced :

'Ladies and Gentlemen. Today is the luckiest day of my life ...' Then he raised his hands with what his daughter gave him and continued, 'My daughter finally, finally returned my Credit Card to me.'

The whole audience including the priest started laughing . . . . . But not the poor Groom ! ! !


And now the Best for the Last . . . .

A Man was walking down a street when he heard a voice from behind, 'If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you.'

The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished. He went on, and after a while he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted, 'Stop ! Stand still ! If you take one more step a car will run over you, and you will die.'

The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.. The man asked. 'Who are you?'

'I am your guardian angel,' the voice answered.

'Oh, yeah?' the man said 'And where the hell were you when I got married?

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Wife, Girlfriend, TV and Mobile


NOTE :- A Wife is like a TV….. A Girlfriend is like a MOBILE

At home you watch TV….. but when you go out you take your MOBILE …...

When you have no money, you sell the TV….and when you have got money you change your MOBILE …..

Sometimes you enjoy TV…. but most of the time you play with your MOBILE …..

TV is free for life….but for the MOBILE …., if you don't pay, the services will be terminated….

TV is big, bulky and most of the time old…., But the MOBILE is cute, slim, curvy and very portable….

Operational costs for the TV are often acceptable….., but for the MOBILE …. it is often high and demanding….

TV has a remote…. MOBILE doesn't…..

MOBILE is a two-way communication (u talk and listen), but with the TV you MUST only listen ( whether you want to or not)

BUT !!! - Most Importantly:

TVs don't have viruses… but MOBILEs often do...

Sunday, December 11, 2011

Body Parts That Don't Work !

A man has 27 parts that don't work for him.

  • 20 nails that don't nail
  • 1 belly button that doesn't button
  • 2 tits that don't milk
  • 1 cock that doesn't crow
  • 2 balls that don't bounce
  • 1 ass that doesn't do any work


 So, what are you women smiling at?

You have a pussy that doesn't catch mice!


Wednesday, December 7, 2011

E-Mails from a Jack Ass !!

OK - got this mail and was too funny not to share. Kudos to the copywrite owner. Awesome stuff.

From Me to *********@**********.org:

Hey there!

I'm trying to get rid of a bunch of movies I've had since I was a kid. The movie stores won't take them, and it would be a shame for me to just throw them out. I'd love to pass them on to people who can enjoy them. Let me know if you are interested.

From Julia ****** to Me:

Mike - Which movies do you have and how much do you want for them?

From Me to Julia ******:


Here is the full list:

Alvin and the Chipmunks
Backdoor Creampies 2
Beauty and the Beast
Big Black Threesome
Finally 18 and Legal
The Lion King
Mattress Slaves 3
The Mighty Ducks
Toy Story
Wet Squirters 5

Please let me know which ones you want.

From Julia ****** to Me:

Mike...some of those titles are inappropriate.

From Me to Julia ******:

Which titles are inappropriate?

From Julia ****** to Me:

I think you know which ones...

From Me to Julia ******:

Are you talking about Fantasia? I know, I thought it was a Vietnam war movie too. I assure you it has nothing to do with Asia and is completely appropriate for children. The only other title I think you are referring to as inappropriate is The Lion King, but I think you are confusing that with "The Scorpion King," the violent movie starring Dwayne Johnson. While the Lion King does have adult themes, it is nothing like The Scorpion King.

I hope this clears things up.

From Julia ****** to Me:

No...explain to me how these movies are for children??? Backdoor Creampies, Big Black Threesome, Finally 18 and Legal, Mattress Slaves 3, Wet Squirters 5. It sounds to me like you are trying to throw out your porn collection.

From Me to Julia ******:

Pornography? What a disgusting accusation! What kind of a person do you think I am? You have a really perverted mind if you think those movies are adult films. You've really never heard of those movies? Where was your childhood? I'll find the plot summaries for you.

Backdoor Creampies - Cindy, a little girl with big ambitions, decides to open a bakery in her parents kitchen - selling pies to children who come to her backyard. Cindy learns that running a business isn't all fun and games in this hilarious tale of entrepreneurship.

Big Black Threesome - Barry, Billy and Bernie are three lovable black bears who have zany adventures during their quest for honey.

Finally 18 and Legal - A coming of age story about a young girl who becomes an independent woman.

Mattress Slaves 3 - Part 3 of the shocking documentary about slave labor in the mattress industry of third world countries. (Acceptable for kids, and in my opinion, a necessity to educate them on some real world issues. I never bought a foreign mattress again after this eye-opener.)

Wet Squirters 5 - The Squirters gang is back again in this heartwarming tale about a group of whales who try to find their long lost father in a vast ocean of wet sea critters.

Once again, I hope this clears things up for you.

From Julia ****** to Me:

You expect me to believe that all of those movies simply have unfortunate titles? Nice try.

From Me to Julia ******:

Sorry to disappoint your sick mind Julia, but yes, they are all children's movies. So do you want them or not?
By the way, I just found 3 more movies to add to the collection I am offering:

Toy Story 2
James and the Giant Peach
Walt Disney's Double Penetration Cockblasts 3


From Julia ****** to Me:

Okay I've had enough of this. You are a nut.

From Me to Julia ******:

Think of the children, Julia. They will never get to enjoy these classic films because of you.

From Julia ****** to Me:

Go to hell.

What's More Important in your Life ?

You some times do begin to wonder what people might perceive to be important in their lives.

Slap bang - YOU ARE WRONG !!!

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