Nuns are up to No Good !

A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, 'Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later.' 

The nun agreed.

A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, Sister, have you seen a soldier?'

The nun replied, 'He went that way.'

After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, 'I can't thank you enough Sister. You see, I don't want to go to Afghanistan.'

The nun said, 'I understand completely.'

The soldier added, 'I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!'

The nun replied, 'If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls.... I don't want to go to Afghanistan either.'

A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.

He replies: "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you".

She answers, " My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive." 

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"

"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."

The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child," said the nun, why are! you crying?"

"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."

What to do when an Ant Bites

We tend to get pretty cheesed off when an ant bites our legs or any part of the body for that matter. Our usual instinct is to kill the fellow instantly by stamping on it, isn’t it?

Well, there is another method of taking some good revenge from these tiny bastards that bite us often.

Here we go – this is what you need to do.

Let the fellow bite as much as he wants to and let the fellow finish – you only need to bare the pain for a moment.

Well, the fellow obviously can’t go on forever. So, to distract, you need to keep a huge peace of Chocolate or any other item the Ants love to eat near your foot. But, the catch is that the food item should weight more than what a single ant could carry.

We all know that Ants are a united bunch of insects – What this bastard will do now is run to tell the other ants about this new found food item and boast about his new finding that’s so tasty. Within a few seconds you will see many ants approaching the chocolate in a long line. The one who would be leading the pack is the bastard who bit your leg as he knows where the food source is. The fellow will keep turning around occasionally too. Though you might not hear, this is again boasting about his find to the rest of the ants. 

Now is the catch. You wait for the set of Ants to come further towards the food item, pick it up and take it away to a place the ants cannot reach. Though the Ants would come full of hopes, they would find nothing. 

You know what would happen ?? After traveling all this distance to get the Chocolate, the other Ants will realize that there is no food as the ant that bit your leg mentioned. They will bug this ant for the rest of its life about the false alarm and not trust the fellow again. This fellow will never bite another person’s leg again. You will finally have your revenge…. 

Funny Office Joke

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Employee:    Excuse me sir, may I talk to you? 
Boss:            Sure, come on in.   What can I do for you?

Employee:    Well sir, as you know, I have been an employee

                     of this prestigious firm for over ten years. 
Boss:            Yes.

Employee:    I won't beat around the bush. Sir, I would like

                     a raise. I currently have four companies after 

                     me and so I decided to talk to you first. 
Boss:            A raise?   I would love to give you a raise, but 

                     this is just not the right time.

Employee:    I understand your position, and I know that the

                     current economic down turn has had a 

                     negative impact on sales, but you must also

                     take into consideration my hard work, pro-

                     activeness and loyalty to this company for over

                     a decade. 
Boss:            Taking into account these factors, and 

                     considering I don't want to start a brain drain, 

                     I'm willing to offer you a ten percent raise and 

                     an extra five days of vacation time.  How does

                     that sound?

Employee:    Great!   It's a deal!   Thank you, sir! 
Boss:            Before you go, just out of curiosity, what 

                     companies were after you?

Employee:    Oh, the Electric Company, Gas Company, 

                     Water Company and the Mortgage Company!

The Italian Lover

A virile, middle aged Italian gentleman named Guido was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman. Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless. After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?"

She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No."

Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion.

The sex finally ends and, again, Guido smiles and asks, "You finish?"

Again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him and softly says, "No."

Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied. Guido reaches for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they end together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets.

Exhausted, Guido falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly and asked again, "You finish?"

Barely able to speak, the beautiful blond whispers in his ear,

"No, I am Swedish ."!!!!

Husband and Wife Jokes and Funny Cartoons

They say that marriage makes a man dizzy, and it's true. As soon as I got a wife, I lost my balance at the bank.

Men want 3 qualities in wives: Economist in kitchen, artist in home& devil in bed. But they get artist in kitchen, devil in home & economist in Bed.

Q: Why do women live longer than men?

A: Shopping never causes heart attacks, but paying the bill does!

Before marriage: Roses are red, sky is blue. U r beautiful, I luv u.

After marriage: Roses are dead, I'm blue. U r my headache, one day I'll kill u.

Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that.

Man: Is there any way for long life?

Dr: Get married.

Man: Will it help?

Dr: No, but the thought of long life will never come.

Why do couples hold hands during their wedding?

It's a formality just like two boxers shaking hands before the fight begins!

Wife: Darling today is our anniversary, what should we do?

Husband: Let us stand in silence for 2 minutes.

Boobs In Church !

The minister of a small congregation was about to start his sermon when he noticed a young woman in the front row, wearing a tight dress with her boobs almost hanging out. He couldn't concentrate on his message to the flock, so he dismissed the service and asked to speak to the woman after everyone else left the church.

When they were alone, the reverend said in his sternest lecturing voice. "Just what do you mean, coming to church dressed like that?"

"Why reverend," the young woman replied, "all of my boyfriends tell me that they can hear the angels sing when they put their heads on my breasts.."

"Hmm. Well let me check," said the reverend, placing his head between her tits. After several minutes, he raised his head and said, "I don't hear any angels singing!"

"Of course not, Reverend," she said. "You're not plugged in yet."

As I mature !!

Funny Answers at School

A teacher's story about Stuttering

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings are the only animals that stutter,' she says.

A little girl raises her hand. 'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered.' The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

"Well," she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!'

'That must've been scary,' said the teacher.

'It sure was,' said the little girl. 

'My kitty raised her back, went "Ffffff!, Ffffff!, FfffffF," but before she could say 'Fuck-off !,' the Rottweiler ate her!

The teacher had to leave the room.