Funny Osama Bin Laden jokes and cartoons

OK - we all know that it's finnaly over and the one who terrorized the world is now dead and gone. Since Sri Lanka managed to get rid of the other Terror leader Prabakaran, who else is left?? anyways, following are some cartoons and pics rejoycing the death of Osama Bin Laden. Enjoy !

 Click here for Osama's Burial Pics at Sea...

So, we all know the reason now for president Obama to not attend the Royal wedding - but, indeed he managed to sneek in to the balcony where the lovers were kissing - Not funny ha?

Britain is Repossessing the U.S.A. Soon

A Message from John Cleese To the citizens of the United States of America:

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except California, which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.

A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.

1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour', favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix 'ize' will be eliminated. enerally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to cceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as 'like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell- checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of '-ize'.

4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

7. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

8. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline)-roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

9. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

10. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting Nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

11. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

12. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). Don't try Rugby - the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us.

13. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

14. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us CRAZY.

15. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

16. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.


God save the Queen!

SEX AFTER DEATH

Another Husband and Wife Joke

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death.

Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all. After a long life together, the husband was the first to die.

True to his word, he made the first contact:

"Marion ... Marion "

"Is that you, Bob?"

"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

"That's wonderful! What's it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times. Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to golf course again. Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again"

"Oh, Bob are you in Heaven?"

"No...........I'm a rabbit in Arizona.

Getting Screwed by Lawyers !

The madam opened the brothel door in Milngavie and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.

"May I help you sir?" she asked.

The man replied, "I want to see Suzy."

"Sir, Suzy is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else" , said the madam.

He replied, "No, I must see Suzy."

Just then, Suzy appeared and announced to the man she charged £5000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand pounds and gave it to Suzy, and they went upstairs.

After an hour, the man calmly left.


The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Suzy. Suzy explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive.

"There are no discounts. The price is still £5000."

Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Suzy, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left. The following night the man was there yet again.

Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Suzy and they went upstairs.

After their session, Suzy said to the man, "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?"

The man replied, "Edinburgh."

"Really," she said. "I have family in Edinburgh ..."

"I know." the man said. "Your sister died, and I am her Lawyer. She asked me to give you your £15,000 inheritance."

The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain:

1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer!

Funny Classified Advertisements !

Following are classified ads which were actually placed in a U.K newspaper:


FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER


8 years old. Hateful little bastard.
Bites!

FREE PUPPIES.


1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbour's dog.




FREE PUPPIES.


Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.


Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.


Also 1 gay bull for sale.




JOINING NUDIST COLONY!


Must sell washer and dryer £100.

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .


Worn once by mistake.


Call Stephanie.






**** And the WINNER is an oldie but fantastic! ****


FOR SALE BY OWNER.


Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica, 45 volumes.


Excellent condition, £200 or best offer.


No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.

The Italian Secret to a Long Marriage !

At St. Peter ' s Catholic Church in Toronto , they have weekly husbands ' marriage seminars.


At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.


Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, "Wella, I ' va tried to treat her nicea, spenda da money on her, but besta of all is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th anniversary! "


The priest responded, "Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary? "


Giuseppe proudly replied, " I gonna go pick her up."

Planting Potatos Via FBI

An old man lived alone in Idaho. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, Bubba, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.



Dear Bubba:
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.
Love,
Dad


A few days later, he received a letter from his son.



Dear Dad
For heaven's sake, Dad, don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the BODIES.
Love,
Bubba


At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local Police showed up and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.


That same day, the old man received another letter from his son.


Dear Dad:
Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. It's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love,
Bubba

Generic Drugs and Viagra !

Drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. Example, the trade name is Tylenol and it's generic name is Acetaminophen.. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.


Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer.. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.

Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.


Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2020, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

Sardar - Indian Jokes

I am sure Indians would understand the content better, never-the-less, it does tinkle out senses of Humour too.

 Interviewer:

what is your birth date?
Sardar: 13th October
Which year?
Sardar: every year



Manager asked sardar at an interview.
Can you spell a word that has more than 100 letters in it?
Sardar replyed: -P-O-S-T-B-O- X.



After returning back from a foreign trip, sardar asked his wife,
Do I look like a foreigner?
Wife: No! Why?
Sardar: In London a lady asked me Are you a foreigner?

One tourist from U.S.A. asked Sardar:
Any great man born in this village???
Sardar: no sir, only small Babies!!!



Lecturer: write a note on Gandhi Jayanthi (A National Holiday to celebrate birth of Gandhi - 2nd October)
So Sardar writes, "Gandi was a great man, but I don't know who is Jayanthi.



When sardar was traveling with his wife in an auto, the driver
adjusted the mirror. Sardar shouted, "You are trying to see my
wife? Sit behind. I will drive.

Interviewer: just imagine youare on the 3rd floor, it caught fire and how will you escape?
Sardar: its simple. I will stop my imagination !!!


Sardar: My mobile bill how much?
Call centre girl: sir, just dial 123to know current bill status
Sardar: Stupid, not CURRENT BILL my MOBILE BILL.




Sardar: I think that girl is deaf..
Friend: How do u know?
Sardar: I told I Love her, but she said her chappals are new




Friend: I got a brand new Ford IKON for my wife!
Sardar: Wow!!! That's an unbelievable exchange offer!!!

Teacher: Which is the oldest animal in world?
Sardar: ZEBRA
Teacher: How?
Sardar: Bcoz it is Black & White




Sardar attending an interview in Software Company.
Manager: Do U know MS Office?
Sardar: If U give me the address I will go there sir.




Sardar in airplane going 2 Bombay .. While its landing he shouted: " Bombay ... Bombay "
Air hostess said: "Be silent."
Sardar: "Ok.. Ombay. (b)Ombay"

Teacher: "What is common between JESUS, KRISHNA , RAM, GANDHI and BUDHA?"
Sardar: "All are born on government holidays...! !!




Sir: What is difference between Orange and Apple?
Sardar: Color of Orange is orange, but color of Apple is not APPLE

Don't Come Home !!

A man called his mom from the USA .
Man : Mom, I have AIDS.


Mother: Don't come back home, my son.


Man : Why mom ?


Mother: If you come back home, then your wife will be infected. From your wife to your brother, from your brother to our maid, from our maid to your dad, from your dad to my sister, from my sister to her husband, from him to me, from me to the gardener, from the gardener to your sister. And if your sister got AIDs, then the whole village will be infected !


So for Goodness sake SAVE OUR VILLAGE, DON'T COME BACK HOME !!!!!

Funny Einstein Theory !

OK.... We all Know that Women Means Trouble and Problem !!

Let's see how the great Einstein Proved it !

Funny Tombstones and Grave Yards....

Aren't they Hillarious ??

Seven Kinds Of Sex....

The 1st kind of sex is called ... Smurf Sex.


This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called ... Kitchen Sex.


This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so needy you will have Sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called ... Bedroom Sex.


This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called ... Hallway Sex.


This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say ... 'F**k You.'

The 5th kind of sex is called ... Religious Sex.


Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night. (Very Popular)

The 6th kind is called ... Courtroom Sex.


This is when you cannot stand your wife/husband any more. She/he takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.

And . Last ... But not least ...






The 7th kind of sex is called ... Social Security Sex.


You get a little each month. But not enough to enjoy your self.




WHAT STAGE YOU ARE IN ??

Arab in Australia - a funny Joke

Before you go on to read this funny joke - remember to come back to follow the below links - super !

Click Here for another Arab Joke 
And here for one of the best around ! 


Here we go,


A young Arab asks his father "What is this weird hat that we are wearing?"


"Why, it's a "chechia" because in the desert it protects our heads from the sun" says the father..


Then asks the son "And what is this type of clothing that we are wearing?"


Father is Obliged to reply - "It's a "djbellah" because in the desert it is very hot and it protects your body!"

Boy get's curious - "And what are these ugly shoes that we have on our feet?"

Again the father lovingly explains - "These are "babouches", which keep us from burning our feet when in the desert! "

Then,

Son - Tell me Abba?
Father - Yes my son?

"Why the fuck are we living in Melbourne and still wearing all this shit?"

Funny Fact about Taj Mahal and a few Funny Cartoons and Pictures !

We All Know TAJ MAHAL As Symbol Of Love But The Other Lesser Known Facts are:

1. Mumtaz Was Shahjahan's 4th Wife Out Of His 7 Wives


2. Shahjahan Killed Mumtaz's Husband To Marry Her!


3. Mumtaz Died In Her 14th Delivery!


4. He Then Married Mumtaz's Sister!


Question Arises


WHERE THE HELL IS THE LOVE ???????

  

Sniffer the Sniffing Dog !

A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador Retriever in the middle seat next to the man.


The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was allowed on the plane.


The second man explained that he was from the Police Drugs Enforcement agency and that the dog was a 'sniffing dog'. 'His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get Airborne,when I put him to work.'


The plane took off, and once it has levelled out, the Policeman said, 'Watch this.'

He told Sniffer to 'search'.


Sniffer jumped down,walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds.


Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the policeman's arm.


The Policeman said, 'Good boy', and he turned to the man and said, 'That Woman is in possession of marijuana, I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.


'Gee, that's pretty good,' replied the first man.


Once again,the Policeman sent Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to its seat, and this time he placed two paws on the agent's arm.


The Policeman said, 'That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police.'


'I like it !' said his seat mate.


The Policeman then told Sniffer to 'search' again. Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to shit all over the place.


The first man was really disgusted by this Behaviour and couldn't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that, so he asked the policeman, 'What's going on ?'


The Policeman nervously replied, 'He's just found a bomb.'

Vasline for Gay's and Funny Cartoons !

One day a gay man goes in for his doctor's appointment and asks the doctor: "Do you have anything to make hair grow on my chest?"

The doctor immediately grabs a jar of Vaseline and says:  "If you get a friend to rub this on your chest everyday, within a month or two you'll start to see some growth."


The man replies, "Well if that was true, I'd have a pony tail coming out my ass!"