What to tell and What not to tell at Job Interviews !

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A boss interviewed 4 girls for a secretarial position .....
He asked the same question to each one of them.

Boss: "A woman normally has lips in 2 different places. What's the difference between the two?

First Girl: "One is hairy, the other isn't " .....Boss: "OK.. good!"

Second Girl: One can talk but the other can't ".... Boss: "that's better!"

Third Girl: "One is vertical & the other is horizontal "..... Boss: "Hmm.. clever!"

Last Girl: "One is for me & the other is for my Boss ".

Boss: "You are hired !🤪

Get cheap Glasgow Brothels with the prettiest ladies

Will you be sharing this good laugh with your friends ??

The madam opened the brothel door in Glasgow and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed,  good-looking man in his late forties.

“May I help you sir?” she asked.

“I want to see Valerie,” the man replied.

“Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else”, said the madam.

 “No, I must see Valerie,” he replied.

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charges ￡5000 a visit.

Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand pounds and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie.

Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row, as she was so expensive.
There were no discounts. The price was still ￡5000.

Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs.

After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there yet again.

Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.

After their session, the man asked Valerie to sign a receipt that she had received ￡15000.

She was astonished nevertheless signed on the receipt and said to the man, “No one has ever been with me three nights in a row and for sure this is the first time anyone has asked me to sign a receipt.

Where are you from?”

The man replied, “Edinburgh.”

“Really”, she said. “I have family in Edinburgh .”

“I know.” the man said.

“Your sister died, and I’m her solicitor.

I was instructed to deliver you ￡15,000 inheritance in person.”

Two things in life are certain:

 1. Death
 2. Being screwed by a lawyer ...

Good one?
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The Brave Army Sniper and Gun Sellet

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An Army Sniper goes to a Rifle shop to buy a new scope for his Gun.

Manager takes out one & says: "This scope is so good, YOU can see my house 1 km up on that hill."

Sniper looks through the scope & laughs: "I see a naked man & a naked woman in your house."

Manager looks in the scope & gives 2 bullets to the sniper: "I'll give you this scope free, if you shoot the woman's head off & the guy's Dick."

Sniper looks again in the scope : "Well!! Seems like I can do that with one bullet..!

A funny from Sri Lanka !

A Sri Lankan Doctor can't find a job in a Hospital in US so he opens a clinic and puts a sign outside 'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100

A American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic...

Lawyer :  "I have lost my sense of taste"

Lankan doctor :  "Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth"

Lawyer :  "Ugh..this is kerosene"

Lankan doctor :  "Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $20"

The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money...

Lawyer :  "I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything"

Lankan doctor :  "Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth"

Lawyer (annoyed) :  "This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste"

Lankan doctor : "Congrats. You got your memory back. Give me $20"

The fuming lawyer pays him, and then comes back a week later determined to get back $100.

Lawyer :  "My eyesight has become very weak I can't see at all "

Lankan doctor :  "Well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100"

Lawyer (staring at the note) : "But this is $20, not $100"

Lankan doctor :  "Congrats, your eyesight is restored. Give me $20"

You can't beat  Sri Lankan’s !!!!! 😂😂😂😂😂

Don't know who wrote this.. Hats off to him......

I am Coming too !

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Little Musa comes to school with a black eye regularly. The teacher notices this and thinks of having a chat with little Musa. 


TEACHER: What's wrong?

MUSA : Our house is very small.

MUSA: My mum, my dad and I, we all sleep on the same bed. Every night my dad asks, Musa r u sleeping?' Then I say 'No' and then he slaps my face and gives me a Black eye"

Teacher: Tonight when ur dad asks again, keep dead quiet. don't answer. The following morning Musa comes back with a severe black eye again.

Teacher: My goodness why the black eye again?

Musa : Dad asked me again, Musa are you sleeping? I shut up and kept dead still. Then my dad and my mom started moving, u know, at the same time Mum was breathing like a Christmas chicken, kicking her legs up frantically and squealing like a hyena on the bed. 

Then my dad asked my mum, R u coming? Mum said, Yes I'm coming, r u coming too? Dad answered:- Yes. 

They don't usually go anywhere without me so I said, wait for me, I'm coming tooo 😂

Public Embarrassment in a different form

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 Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak -
The last one is great!
Have you ever spoken and wished that you could
Immediately take the words back...
Or that you could crawl into a hole?
Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....

FIRST TESTIMONY:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly,
'How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?'
I turned around and walked back out and never went back
My husband didn't say a word... He knew better.

SECOND TESTIMONY:
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls.
I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using.
After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store
He asked if he could help me.
Without thinking, I looked at him and said, 'I think I like playing with men's balls'

THIRD TESTIMONY:
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a
variety of candy and nuts.
As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help.
I replied, 'No, I'm just looking at your nuts.'
My sister started to laugh hysterically.
The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget it.

FOURTH TESTIMONY :
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok.
I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons.
I told her that if she did not start behaving 'right now' she would be punished.
To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening,
'If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!'
The s silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange.
Even the tellers stopped what they were doing.
I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow.
The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.

LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she
speaks.
What happens when you predict snow but don't get any!
We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed up to a couple of inches and didn't,
turned to the weatherman and asked:
'So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?'
Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, as they were laughing so hard!

Now, didn't that feel good?
Pass it on to someone you know who needs a laugh
And remember
We all say things we don't really mean,
So think before you speak!

Funny Answers in Court of Law

These are from a book called 'Disorder in the American Courts' and are things people actually said in Court, word for word, taken down and now published by Court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
__________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS : Did you actually pass the law exam?
__________

ATTORNEY : The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?

WITNESS : He's twenty, much like your IQ.
_________

ATTORNEY : Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS : Are you serious.
__________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?

WITNESS : Yes.

ATTORNEY : How many were boys?

WITNESS : None.

ATTORNEY : Were there any girls?

WITNESS : Your Honour, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
__________

ATTORNEY : How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS : By death.

ATTORNEY : And by whose death was it terminated?

WITNESS : Take a guess.
__________

ATTORNEY : Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS : He was about medium height and had a beard.

ATTORNEY : Was this a male or a female?

WITNESS : Unless the Circus was in town,  I'm going with male.
__________

ATTORNEY : Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

WITNESS : All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
__________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS : The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

ATTORNEY : And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS : If not, he was by the time I finished.
__________

And the best for the last..

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS : No.

ATTORNEY : Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS : No.

ATTORNEY : Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS : No.

ATTORNEY : So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

WITNESS : No.

ATTORNEY : How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS : Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY : But could the patient have still been alive?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law
🤣🤣🤣