OK - a few more Faceless toons - click on image for the larger / readable version.
Judge : "Raj, why were you beaten up in public? what did you do?"
Raj : Sir I am innocent.
Judge : How can you say that?
Raj : "Your honour, I was in crowded bus, my photo fell from wallet,so... I said to lady in front of me, 'Aunty, please lift your Sari, I want to take photo.... then everybody hit me...
A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door. She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there.
He asks the lady "Do you have a vagina?"
She slams the door in disgust.
The next morning she hears a knock at the door, it is the same man, and he asks the same question of the woman, "do you have a vagina?"
She slams the door again.
Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened in the last two days.
The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice, "Honey, I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again".
The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both run for the door.
The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice, "Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen. If it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to see where he is going with it." She nods yes to her husband, and opens the door.
Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question. "Do you have a vagina?"
Yes" she replies.
The man retorts, "Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours?"
Dave works hard at the plant, puts in a lot of overtime, and then spends most evenings bowling, playing basketball or working out at the gym. His wife, Mary, thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so, for his birthday, she takes him to a local strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Dave, how ya doing?"
Mary is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh no," says Dave. "He works out at the gym with me."
When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual Budweiser.
Mary is now becoming uncomfortable and says, "You must come here a lot for that woman to know you drink Budweiser."
"No, honey, she's in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with them."
A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Dave. "Hi Davey," she says, "Want your usual table dance?"
Mary, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Dave follows and spots his wife getting into a cab. Before Mary can slam the door, Dave jumps in beside her. Right away she starts screaming at him.
The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave."
_________________________________________
And One from the Royal Palace in Buckingham !
Camilla bought new shoes for her wedding. During the big day they became increasingly tighter as the day went on. That night, she flopped on the bed and said,"Charles,please remove my shoes,my feet are killing me!" He attacked her right shoe with vigour,but it would not budge. "Harder!" yelled Camilla, "Harder"."I'm trying, But it's just so bloody tight!" "Come on! Give it all you've got!"Finally, when it released, Charles let out a big groan and Camilla exclaimed, "There! Oh, God, that feels so good!" In their bedroom next door, the Queen said to Prince Phillip,"See! I told you with a face like that, she had to be a virgin!" Meanwhile, as Charles tried to remove her left shoe, he cried, "Oh, God, darling! This one's even tighter!" At which Prince Phillip said to the Queen, "That's my boy! He served in the Navy: Once a Rear Admiral, always a Rear Admiral!"
Teacher: History is a very interesting subject. It tells you about what had happened in the past.
Student: Please teacher, I don't think I want to study history.
Teacher: Why?
Student: There is no future in it.
Teacher : Ted, if your father has $10 and you ask him for $6, how much would your father still have?
Ted : $10.
Teacher : You don't know maths.
Ted : You don't know my father!
Mother : David , come here.
David : Yes, mum?
Mother : You really disappoint me. Your results are getting worse.
David : But I will only get my report book tomorrow.
Mother : I know that. But I am going to Hong Kong tomorrow, so I am scolding you now.
Father : Why did you fail your mathematics test?
Son : On Monday, teacher said 3+5=8
Father : So?
Son : On Tuesday, she said 4+4=8 And on Wednesday, she said 6+2=8.. If she can't make up her mind, how do I know the right answer?
A mother and son were doing dishes while the father and daughter were watching TV in the living room. Suddenly, there was a loud crash of breaking plates, then complete silence.. The daughter turned to look at her father.
Daughter : It's mummy!
Father : How do you know?
Daughter : She didn't say anything.
Girl: Do you love me?
Boy: Yes Dear
Girl: Would you die for me?
Boy: No, mine is undying love
Man: How old is your father?
Boy: As old as me
Man: How can that be?
Boy: He became a father only when I was born
Waiter: I've stewed liver, boiled tongue and frog's leg.
Customer: Don't tell me your problems. Give me the menu card.
Teacher : Simon , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did u copy his?
Simon : No, teacher, it's the same dog!
Father : Your teacher says she finds it impossible to teach you anything!
Son : That's why I say she's no good!
Teacher: 'Where were u born?'
Student: ' Singapore , Sir.'
Teacher: 'Which part?'
Student: 'All of me, Sir.'
A teacher was asking her class: 'What is the difference between 'unlawful' and 'illegal'?'
Only one hand shot up.
'Ok, answer, Joan' said the teacher.
''unlawful' is when u do something the law doesn't allow and 'illegal' is a sick eagle.'
Teacher: 'How come you do not comb your hair?'
Ah Kow: 'No comb, Sir.'
Teacher: 'Use your dad's then.'
Ah Kow: 'No hair, Sir.'
A boy came home from school with his exam results.
'What did u get?' asked his father.
'My marks are under water,' said the boy.
'What do u mean 'under water'?'
'They are all below 'C' (sea) level'
1. A man dashes into the A&E dept. and yells . . . 'My wife's going to have her baby in the taxi'.
I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the taxi, lifted the lady's dress and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly after protests from the lady I noticed that there were several taxis - - - and I was in the wrong one.
Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald , St.. Andrews Hosp. Glasgow
2. At the beginning of my shift, I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.
'Big breaths,'. I instructed.
'Yes, they used to be,'. . . replied the patient..
Submitted by Dr. Richard Barnes , St.Thomas's Bath
3 One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her on her mobile phone reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a 'massive internal fart.'
Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg Royal London Hosp.
4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment, he told me that he was having trouble with one of his medications.
'Which one ?'. . .. I asked.
'The patch; the Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!'
I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!
Now, the instructions includes removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk General
5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked 'How long have you been bedridden?'
After a look of complete confusion she answered .'Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was still alive.'
Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson- Maidenhead Royal Kent
6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a man I asked .. . ...' So how was your breakfast this morning?'
'It's very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste.'. . Bob replied.
I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced a foil packet labelled 'KY Jelly.'
Submitted by Dr. Leonard J. Brandon . Bristol Infirmary.
7. A nurse was on duty in the A&E when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered . . It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for an immediate operation..
When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read . . .'Keep off the grass'
Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which read 'Sorry . . . had to mow the lawn.'
Submitted by Staff Nurse RN Elaine Fogerty , KGH London
Women are basically greedy. They want all things from one man. While men are so simple that they want only one thing from all women.
There was this guy sunbathing in the nude at the beach. Well, this little girl comes up to him, so he covers his private parts with a newspaper.
The little girl says, 'What's under there?'
The man answers, 'A bird.'
The girl goes away and the man falls asleep. When he wakes up, he is in a hospital and in great pain.
A doctor comes up to his bed and asks, 'What happened?'
The man answers, 'I don't know. I was at the beach and I fell asleep after talking to a little girl.'
So the doctor tells this to the Police, and they go to the beach to find any witnesses. When they get there, they see the little girl the man was talking about. So they ask her if she did anything to the man.
She answers, ' I didn't do anything to the man, but while he was sleeping, I played with his bird. After a while, it spit at me, so I broke its neck, burned its nest, and smashed all its eggs!'
Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said: "TWO PROSTITUTES — $50.00."
A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail.
Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying: "JESUS SAVES."
One of the girls asked the cop, "Why don't you stop them?!"
"Well, that's a little different," the cop smiled. "Their sign pertains to religion."
So the two ladies of the night frowned as they took their sign down and drove off.
The following day found the same cop in the area when he noticed the two ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again.
Figuring he had an easy bust, he began to catch up with them when he noticed the new sign which read:
Click on image to get a larger, readable version. :) have fun !
A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife,
looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday.
'I'd like to be twelve again', she replied, still looking in the
mirror.
On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice
big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her to Alton Towers theme park. What a day!
He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the
Corkscrew, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster,
everything there was.
Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a Mc Donald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.
Then it was off to the cinema with popcorn, a huge Cola, and her
favourite sweets...........M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.
He leaned over to his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked,
'Well Dear, what was it like being twelve again?'
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. 'I
meant my dress size, you retard'!
