Husband and Wife Jokes and Funny Cartoons

They say that marriage makes a man dizzy, and it's true. As soon as I got a wife, I lost my balance at the bank.

Men want 3 qualities in wives: Economist in kitchen, artist in home& devil in bed. But they get artist in kitchen, devil in home & economist in Bed.

Q: Why do women live longer than men?

A: Shopping never causes heart attacks, but paying the bill does!

Before marriage: Roses are red, sky is blue. U r beautiful, I luv u.

After marriage: Roses are dead, I'm blue. U r my headache, one day I'll kill u.

Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that.

Man: Is there any way for long life?

Dr: Get married.

Man: Will it help?

Dr: No, but the thought of long life will never come.

Why do couples hold hands during their wedding?

It's a formality just like two boxers shaking hands before the fight begins!

Wife: Darling today is our anniversary, what should we do?

Husband: Let us stand in silence for 2 minutes.

Boobs In Church !

The minister of a small congregation was about to start his sermon when he noticed a young woman in the front row, wearing a tight dress with her boobs almost hanging out. He couldn't concentrate on his message to the flock, so he dismissed the service and asked to speak to the woman after everyone else left the church.

When they were alone, the reverend said in his sternest lecturing voice. "Just what do you mean, coming to church dressed like that?"

"Why reverend," the young woman replied, "all of my boyfriends tell me that they can hear the angels sing when they put their heads on my breasts.."

"Hmm. Well let me check," said the reverend, placing his head between her tits. After several minutes, he raised his head and said, "I don't hear any angels singing!"

"Of course not, Reverend," she said. "You're not plugged in yet."

As I mature !!

Funny Answers at School

A teacher's story about Stuttering

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings are the only animals that stutter,' she says.

A little girl raises her hand. 'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered.' The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

"Well," she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!'

'That must've been scary,' said the teacher.

'It sure was,' said the little girl. 

'My kitty raised her back, went "Ffffff!, Ffffff!, FfffffF," but before she could say 'Fuck-off !,' the Rottweiler ate her!

The teacher had to leave the room. 

Black Eye's Pea or Jabu !

Jabu walked into class every morning with a black eye . After a while his teacher got worried and asked him about it. 

 

Jabu's answer was: "Our house is very small miss. Me, my mother and my father, we sleep On the same bed. Every night my father asks, 'Jabu are you sleeping?' Then I say 'No' and then he slaps my face and gives me a Black eye."

So the teacher says to him, "Tonight when your father asks again, keep dead quiet and don't answer". The following morning Jabu comes to school and his eye is fine, so the teacher breathes a sigh of relief. 

But the day after that Jabu comes back with a severe black eye again. "My goodness Jabu, why the black eye again?" 

He tells her: "Mam, Dad asked me again, 'Jabu are you sleeping?... and I shut up and kept dead still. Then my father and my mother started moving{you know} at the same time Mom was breathing erratically, kicking her legs up frantically and squealing like a demented hyena on the bed"... 

Then my father asks my mother: 'Are you coming?' Then my mom says, 'Yes I'm coming, are you coming too?' and my dad answered 'Yes'. They don't usually go anywhere without me so I said 'Wait for me...

Shockers !! They come when you least expect them..

A guy goes hunting. He is in Search for Deers.

Just as he was about to shoot a deer, a gust of wind blew, he fell over and the gun discharged, shooting himself in the genitals.

Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor.

"Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage and we were able to remove all of the buckshot."

"What's the bad news?" asked the hunter.

"The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your penis which left quite a few holes in it. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister."

"Well I guess that isn't too bad," the hunter replied. "Is your sister a plastic surgeon?"

"Not exactly," answered the doctor. "She's a flute player in the Boston Symphony Orchestra. She's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye......."

WHEN I SAY I'M BROKE - I'M BROKE!

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, to be  confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

'Good morning,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners... 

''Go away!'' said the old lady. ''I'm broke and haven't got any money!'' and she proceeded to close the door. 

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open... ''Don't be too hasty!'' he said. ''Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.'' 

And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet. Now if this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder." 

The old lady stepped back and said, "Well let me get you a fork, 'cause they cut off my electricity this morning." 

The Lost Pastor

A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocery Store. As he waited, he was approached by a man who asked, "Son, can you tell me where the Post Bank is?"

The little boy replied, "Sure! Just go straight down this street a couple of blocks and turn to your right."

The man thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm the new pastor in town. I'd like for you to come to church on Sunday. I'll show you how to get to Heaven."

The little boy replied with a chuckle. "Awww, come on... You don't even know the way to the Post Bank and you want to show me the way to heaven!!!." Hahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(A few minutes later the Pastor was seen jumping in to water - LOL )