HOW THE JEWS GOT TEN COMMANDMENTS

God went to the Arabs and said, "I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better."

The Arabs asked, " What are Commandments? Can you give us an example?"

God said, " For example ................ Thou shall not kill."

The Arabs were shocked, "What? Not kill? No way! Killing and massacaring innocent people is our birth-right and the only reason for our existence.. No, we are not interested. "

So God went to the Africans and said, " I have Commandments. "

The Africans wanted an example.

God said, "For example ........... Honor thy Father and Mother."

The Africans were dismayed. They said, " Father? Yo maan! Can't tell for sure who our fathers are, maan!"

So God went to the Mexicans and said, "I have Commandments. "

The Mexicans wanted an example.

God said, " For example ........... Thou shall not steal."

The Mexicans were flabbergasted. They said, " No steal? No steal?? Hey Senor, we no steal then how we live, huh? Gracias, but no! "

So God went to the French and said, "I have Commandments. "

The French wanted an example.

God said, "For example ............. Thou shall not commit adultery."

The French were stunned. They said, "What? Not commit ze adultery ....... ? Non, non, non. Non Monsieur. Pardonnez nous. We, ze French, must have ze romance. "

So God went to the Jews and said, "I have Commandments. ... "

The Jews asked, "Commandments? How much do they cost?"

God replied, "Nothing. They are free."

The Jews answered, "Good. We shall take Ten! "

Funny Story on whashing dishes

Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until one day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it.

The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition.

He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.

'Well, it's quite simple, really,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain.'

And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.

That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there.

But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to tell you something about my family before we go in.'

'When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.'

'No problem,' he says. And in they go.

Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes.

In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.

They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.

As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.

So he leans over and kisses Sandra.

No one says a word.

So he reaches over and fondles her breasts.

Still, nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and screws her right there, in front of her parents.

His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

He looks at her mom..

'She's got a great body,' he thinks.

So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, pulls down her panties, and screws her every which way right there on the dinner table. After she has a big orgasm, he sits down again.

Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, the Mom is pleasantly beaming.

But still, Total silence.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.

Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket...

Suddenly the father shouted....

'I'll do the fucking dishes!!!

Rich Man and Italian Whore

An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit.

The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, ‘who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!'

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house.

A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house. 

He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: 'Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge.

I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.

Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account.

If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account.

If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each.

However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?'

At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, 'You fuck her again.'

OBAMA AND QUEEN ELIZABETH...

As Air Force One arrives at Heathrow Airport, President Obama strides to a warm and dignified reception from the Queen. 

They are driven in a 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London, where they change to a magnificent 17th century carriage hitched to six white horses. They continue on towards Buckingham Palace, waving to the thousands of cheering Britons; all is going well. 

 Suddenly the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous earth shattering fart ever heard in the British Empire. 

The smell is atrocious and both passengers in the carriage must use handkerchiefs over their noses. The fart shakes the coach, but the two dignitaries of State do their best to ignore the incident. 

The Queen turns to President Obama, " Mr. President, please accept my regrets... I am sure you understand there are some things that even a Queen cannot control." 

Obama, always trying to be "Presidential," replied: "Your Majesty, do not give the matter another thought... Until you mentioned it, I thought it was one of the horses.

Another Little Jhonny Joke

Little Susie was not the best student in Catholic School . Usually she slept through the class.

One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping.

'Tell me Susie, who created the universe?'

When Susie didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting beside her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.

'God Almighty!' shouted Susie.

The Nun said, 'Very good' and continued teaching her class..

A little later the Nun asked Susie, 'Who is our Lord and Saviour?'

But Susie didn't stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck her in the butt.

'Jesus Christ!!!' shouted Susie.

And the Nun once again said, 'Very good,' and Susie fell back asleep.

The Nun asked her a third question...'What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'

Again, Johnny came to the rescue. This time Susie jumped up and shouted, 'If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'

 The nun fainted.

Nuns are up to No Good !

A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, 'Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later.' 

The nun agreed.

A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, Sister, have you seen a soldier?'

The nun replied, 'He went that way.'

After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, 'I can't thank you enough Sister. You see, I don't want to go to Afghanistan.'

The nun said, 'I understand completely.'

The soldier added, 'I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!'

The nun replied, 'If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls.... I don't want to go to Afghanistan either.'

A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.

He replies: "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you".

She answers, " My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive." 

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"

"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."

The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child," said the nun, why are! you crying?"

"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."

What to do when an Ant Bites

We tend to get pretty cheesed off when an ant bites our legs or any part of the body for that matter. Our usual instinct is to kill the fellow instantly by stamping on it, isn’t it?

Well, there is another method of taking some good revenge from these tiny bastards that bite us often.

Here we go – this is what you need to do.

Let the fellow bite as much as he wants to and let the fellow finish – you only need to bare the pain for a moment.

Well, the fellow obviously can’t go on forever. So, to distract, you need to keep a huge peace of Chocolate or any other item the Ants love to eat near your foot. But, the catch is that the food item should weight more than what a single ant could carry.

We all know that Ants are a united bunch of insects – What this bastard will do now is run to tell the other ants about this new found food item and boast about his new finding that’s so tasty. Within a few seconds you will see many ants approaching the chocolate in a long line. The one who would be leading the pack is the bastard who bit your leg as he knows where the food source is. The fellow will keep turning around occasionally too. Though you might not hear, this is again boasting about his find to the rest of the ants. 

Now is the catch. You wait for the set of Ants to come further towards the food item, pick it up and take it away to a place the ants cannot reach. Though the Ants would come full of hopes, they would find nothing. 

You know what would happen ?? After traveling all this distance to get the Chocolate, the other Ants will realize that there is no food as the ant that bit your leg mentioned. They will bug this ant for the rest of its life about the false alarm and not trust the fellow again. This fellow will never bite another person’s leg again. You will finally have your revenge…. 

Funny Office Joke

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Employee:    Excuse me sir, may I talk to you? 
Boss:            Sure, come on in.   What can I do for you?

Employee:    Well sir, as you know, I have been an employee

                     of this prestigious firm for over ten years. 
Boss:            Yes.

Employee:    I won't beat around the bush. Sir, I would like

                     a raise. I currently have four companies after 

                     me and so I decided to talk to you first. 
Boss:            A raise?   I would love to give you a raise, but 

                     this is just not the right time.

Employee:    I understand your position, and I know that the

                     current economic down turn has had a 

                     negative impact on sales, but you must also

                     take into consideration my hard work, pro-

                     activeness and loyalty to this company for over

                     a decade. 
Boss:            Taking into account these factors, and 

                     considering I don't want to start a brain drain, 

                     I'm willing to offer you a ten percent raise and 

                     an extra five days of vacation time.  How does

                     that sound?

Employee:    Great!   It's a deal!   Thank you, sir! 
Boss:            Before you go, just out of curiosity, what 

                     companies were after you?

Employee:    Oh, the Electric Company, Gas Company, 

                     Water Company and the Mortgage Company!

The Italian Lover

A virile, middle aged Italian gentleman named Guido was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman. Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless. After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?"

She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No."

Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion.

The sex finally ends and, again, Guido smiles and asks, "You finish?"

Again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him and softly says, "No."

Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied. Guido reaches for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they end together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets.

Exhausted, Guido falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly and asked again, "You finish?"

Barely able to speak, the beautiful blond whispers in his ear,

"No, I am Swedish ."!!!!