Scratching Balls !

 

A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"

He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."

"Ok, Have you ever been in the military service?"

"Yes," he says, "I was in Iraq for one tour."

The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment." Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles."

The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Okay. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 am every day."

The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm, why don't you want me here until 10:00 am?"

"This is a government job", the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."

Police Drugs Unit - Busted !

 A couple of AFP officers stopped at a property west of Canberra and talked to an old Aboriginal standing on the road.

He told the old Aboriginal, "Morning sir, I need to inspect this land for illegally grown drugs."
The elder reluctantly said, "okay, but don't go into that field over there...", as he nodded his head towards the location.

The AFP officer verbally exploded & said, "Look sir, I have the authority of the federal government with me!".
Reaching into his rear back pocket, the AFP officer removed his badge & proudly displayed it to the old Aboriginal. "See this badge?! This badge means I can go wherever I want, whenever I want................on any land! No questions asked, no answers given! Do you understand mate?"

The elder nodded kindly, apologized & went about his business. Moments later he heard loud - fearful screams; he looked up & saw the AFP officer running for his life, being chased by a large Bull. With every step the Bull was gaining ground on the officer & it was likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. 

The old Aboriginal threw down his tools & ran as fast as he could to the fence & yelled at the top of his lungs...... "YOU’RE BADGE! SHOW HIM YOU’RE FUCKING BADGE!"

The Milk Man !

A milkman dying in hospital is surrounded by his two sons, daughter, his wife and the nurse.

He says to his eldest son, "To you Peter, I leave the Beverly houses."

To his daughter, "My pretty Rose, to you I leave the apartments in the Los Angeles Plaza."

"And Charlie, you being my youngest son, I leave you the City Center offices".

And to his wife, "Darling, you get the three residential towers downtown."

The wide-eyed nurse, obviously impressed, tells his wife, "Madam, your husband is very rich! And what's great is he is bequeathing all his properties to his family. You are all so lucky!!"

The wife retorts,"Rich??? Lucky??? Are you kidding me!!?? Those are the routes where he delivers milk!!"

Young Girl in Hotel

Once an attractive young lady decides to celebrate her birthday by staying at a Luxury hotel.

The next day when the lady is checking out of the hotel, they give her a bill for $250/-. She is taken aback looking at the bill and starts fighting at the desk on such a big bill. The Manager comes in to end the ruckus with a customer.

He says ''Mam, we have so many facilities for our customer to use Free of cost such as Spa, Swimming pool, Gym etc., so that's why all the charges are included in it.''

The lady replies, but I have not used it, so why should i pay.

Manager says - That's your fault, but you have to pay.

The lady finally hands him over a cheque for $50.

The manager says this is only $50 what about the balance $200.

The lady replies, $200 for you sleeping and using me in the night.

Manager - But i haven't slept with you.

Lady - That's your fault, I was here full night and you could have used me, if you didn't, that's your fault.

 

No Laughing matter

This would be an acceptable reason to laugh at a funeral... A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate funeral by the hospital he worked for most of his life...

A huge heart... covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service as all the doctors from the hospital sat in awe. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners just burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, 'I'm so sorry... I was just thinking of my own funeral...I'm a gynecologist!'

The priest fainted.

Blond Mortician Joke

A man who'd just died is delivered to a local  mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored  black suit.

The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. 

She gives the blonde mortician a blank cheque and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing."

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly...

She says to  the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'

To her astonishment, the blonde  mortician presents her with the blank cheque. 'There's no charge,' she says.

'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' the widow says.

'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about

your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'

So the widow asked: “Did you switch the two suits?”

Mortician replied: “No, I just switched the two heads.”

(BET YOU DIDN'T  SEE THAT COMING!!!)

Speeding Ticket Joke !

Sitting on the highway waiting to catch speeders, a state police officer saw a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, that car is just as dangerous as a speeder. So, he turns his lights on and pulls the car over. Approaching the car, he notices there are 5 old ladies, two at the front and 3 at the back, wide eyed and looking like ghosts.

The driver obviously confused said, "Officer, I don't understand, I wasn't doing over the speed limit!, What seems to be the problem?" "Ma'am," the officer said, "you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be dangerous". "Slower than the speed limit? NO SIR! I was doing exactly 22 miles an hour", the old woman said proudly.

The officer containing a chuckle explains that 22 was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned, thanking the officer for pointing out her error. "Before I go Ma'am, I have to ask, is everyone OK?

These women seem badly shaken and haven't uttered a word all this time" "Oh! they will be alright in a minute, Officer, we just got off Route 142.

Funny Exam Paper Answers !

Here are some more to the collection of Funny Exam answers. Well, you ask stupid questions, you get stupid answers right?

And the reality test for men !!

Black Testicles?

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the other.

She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."

The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely:

Are - my - test - results - back?"

Lance Armstrong is a great guy !

Lance Armstrong:

I think it is just terrible and disgusting how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong, especially after what he achieved, winning 7 Tour de France races, while on drugs.

When I was on drugs, I couldn't even find my frig'n bike.

Who's Killing Who?

NOT FUNNY !!

My One off "Not funny Post" on All the funny ones - rare instances, but, thought of seriousness!

The 1st image referenced in the Vatican pedophilia.

The 2nd image the child sexual abuse in tourism in Thailand.

The 3rd refers to the war in Syria.

The 4th image refers to trafficking in organs on the black market, where most of the victims are children of poor countries.

The 5th refers to free U.S. weapons.

The 6th image refers to obesity, blaming the big fast food companies.ONE OF THE MOST POWERFUL IMAGES

Coming to think of it, what's funny here is that, deep in our hearts,  we all know this is true, but, tend to ignore the fact ;) !

Funny Australian Help Line !

"G'day mate, Fosters Helpline..
What's the problem mate?"

"Hi Guys, I'm in Australia with the girlfriend and she's been stung on the minge by a hornet, and now her fanny has completely closed up"

"Bummer Mate..."

"Thanks Guys, that's what I thought too.
Bye...

Jewish Girl Joke

A 25 year old Jewish girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting and crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"

Without answering, the girl picks up the phone and makes a call. 

Half an hour later, a Mercedes stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and wearing a yarmulke steps out of the car and enters the house. 

He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them, "Your daughter has informed me of the problem. 

I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life. 

Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath two retail furniture stores, a deli, a condo in Miami, and a $1,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a chain of jewelry stores and a $25,000,000 bank account. However, if there is a miscarriage, I'm not sure what to do. What do you suggest?"

All silent at this point, the mother placed a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and told him, 'You'll fuck her again."

George Bush in School !

George W. Bush, during the time of Ruining the US of A, goes to a primary school to talk to the kids to get a little PR. After his talk he offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand and George asks him his name.

"Stanley," responds the little boy.

"And what is your question, Stanley?"

"I have 4 questions"

First, "why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN? "

Second, "why are you President when Al Gore got more votes?

Third, "whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?" 

Fourth, "why are we so worried about gay-marriage when ½ of all Americans don't have health insurance?"

Just then, the bell rings for recess. George Bush informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess. When they resume George says, "OK, where were we? Oh, that's right, Question time. Who has a question?"

Another little boy puts up his hand. George points him out and asks him his name.

"Johnnie" he responds.

"And what is your question, Johnnie?"

"Actually Sir, I have 6 questions":

First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN? 

Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes? 

Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden? 

Fourth, why are we so worried about gay marriage when 1/2 of all Americans don't have health insurance? 

Fifth, why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early? 

And Sixth, what happened to Stanley ?"

Couple Aging Together

The old couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, 'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting at this same breakfast table together.'

'I know,' the old man said. 'We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird, too .' 'Well,' Granny snickered. 'Let's relive some old times.'

Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat back down at the table. 'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly replied, 'My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.'

'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps. 'One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal.'

Local FM Radio Show Contest

A local FM Radio was running a contest, and I phoned up. 

The RJ said, "Congratulations on being our first caller, all you have to do is answer the following question correctly, to win our grand prize."
 
"That's fantastic!" I shouted in delight.

"Feel confident?" she asked. "It's a maths question."

"Well, I've got a Masters in maths and am damn good at it," I proudly replied.

"Ok then, to win our grand prize of 2 front row seats to a "Justin Beiber's" concert and to meet him back stage. What is
2+2?"

 I replied, "-2.705" (Thought I was being Smart)

I heard someone say in the Background - "With that Answer, he deserves to be at a Beiber concert" :( 

Funny Dating on Internet !

Girl: Dad, I'm in love with a boy who is far away from me. I am in Ghana and he lives in UK.We met on a dating website, became friends on facebook, had long chats on whatsapp,he proposed to me on skype, and now we've had 2 months of relationship through viber.I need ur blessings and good wishes daddy ..................

Dad said: Wow! Really!! then get married on twitter, have fun on tango. Buy your kids on e-bay, send them thru gmail. And if you are fed up with your husband.... sell him on amazon.......

Hotel Brochure from Beijing

This Brochure is a gem!

A friend went to Beijing recently and was given this brochure by the hotel. It is precious. She is keeping it and reading it whenever she feels depressed. Obviously, it has been translated directly, word for word from Mandarin to English.

Getting There:
Our representative will make you wait at the airport.. The bus to the hotel runs along the lake shore. Soon you will feel pleasure in passing water. You will know that you are getting near the hotel, because you will go round the bend. The manager will await you in the entrance hall. He always tries to have intercourse with all new guests.

The hotel:
This is a family hotel, so children are very welcome. We of course are always pleased to accept adultery. Highly skilled nurses are available in the evenings to put down your children. Guests are invited to conjugate in the bar and expose themselves to others. But please note that ladies are not allowed to have babies in the bar. We organize social games, so no guest is ever left alone to play with them self.

The Restaurant:
Our menus have been carefully chosen to be ordinary and unexciting. At dinner, our quartet will circulate from table to table, and fiddle with you.

Your Room:
Every room has excellent facilities for your private parts. In winter, every room is on heat. Each room has a balcony offering views of outstanding obscenity! . You will not be disturbed by traffic noise, since the road between the hotel and the lake is used only by pederasts.

Bed
Your bed has been made in accordance with local tradition. If you have any other ideas please ring for the chambermaid. Please take advantage of her. She will be very pleased to squash your shirts, blouses and underwear. If asked, she will also squeeze your trousers.

Above all:
When you leave us at the end of your holiday, you will have no hope. You will struggle to forget it."

Little Boy and Police

Police: Where do you live?

Small Boy: with my parents.

Police: Where do your parents live?

Small Boy: With me.

Police: And where do you live all?

Small Boy: Together

Police: Where is Your Home?

Small Boy: Beside my neighbors' house.

Police: Where is your neighbors' house?

Small Boy: If I tell you, you won't believe me.

Police: Tell me?

Small Boy: Next to our house.

Police: :-[

The Male Cycle and Selecting a Wife

When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits.

When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional.
Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition. 

When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am older and wiser now, and I am looking for a girl with big tits.