The Scottish and the English

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An Englishman is cupping his hand to scoop water from a Highland burn.

The Scottish gamekeeper shouts, "Dinnae drink tha waaater min ! Et's foo o' coo's shite n pish."

The Englishman replies, "My good fellow, I'm English.... repeat that in English."

The gamekeeper replies, "I said use both hands - you get more that way."

Golfers and their Balls !

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A golfer hits his ball into a yard next to the golf course.

As he goes to get it a man in the yard says, "Don't you see The sign?  It says, 'Private Property - Stay Out!'"

The golfer says, "I'm sorry I did not see it.  That's my ball over There.  May I have it, please?"

The man says, "It's in my yard and so it's my ball now."

The golfer looks at the man and says, "I think I understand"

He then walks back to the golf cart, gets another golf ball, Then walks back and throws it into the yard as well.
The man says, "What did you do that for?"
The golfer replies...

"I consider myself a Gentleman,and I Believe every prick should have two balls."

The Bank Robbery !

During a robbery, the bank robber shouted to everyone in the bank: “Don’t move. The money belongs to the State. Your life belongs to you.” Everyone in the bank laid down quietly. This is called “Mind Changing Concept” Changing the conventional way of thinking. 

When a lady lay on the table provocatively, the robber shouted at her: “Please be civilized! This is a robbery and not a rape!” This is called “Being Professional” Focus only on what you are trained to do! 

When the bank robbers returned home, the younger robber (MBA-trained) told the older robber (who has only completed Year 6 in primary school): “Big brother, let’s count how much we got.” The older robber rebutted and said: “You are very stupid. There is so much money it will take us a long time to count. Tonight, the TV news will tell us how much we robbed from the bank!” This is called “Experience.” Nowadays, experience is more important than paper qualifications! 

After the robbers had left, the bank manager told the bank supervisor to call the police quickly. But the supervisor said to him: “Wait! Let us take out $10 million from the bank for ourselves and add it to the $70 million that we have previously embezzled from the bank”. This is called “Swim with the tide.” Converting an unfavorable situation to your advantage!

The supervisor says: “It will be good if there is a robbery every month.” This is called “Killing Boredom.” Personal Happiness is more important than your job. 

The next day, the TV news reported that $100 million was taken from the bank. The robbers counted and counted and counted, but they could only count $20 million. The robbers were very angry and complained: “We risked our lives and only took $20 million. The bank manager took $80 million with a snap of his fingers. It looks like it is better to be educated than to be a thief!” This is called “Knowledge is worth as much as gold!”

The bank manager was smiling and happy because his losses in the share market are now covered by this robbery.This is called “Seizing the opportunity.” Daring to take risks! So who are the real robbers here?

Doctors Day Out Hunting !

Five doctors went on a duck hunt. A GP, a Physician, a Radiologist, a Surgeon and a Pathologist.

After a while, a bird came winging overhead. 

The GP raised his shotgun, but, didn't shoot and said "I think it's a duck, but, needs a second opinion.. So I will let the physician shoot.. "

The Physician also raised his gun and said.. " It's a duck... but, the other possibilities should be considered such as a hypertrophied sparrow or an atrophied Ostrich.. "

Radiologist quickly scanned the situation and mumbled.."It can be a duck, a sparrow or and Ostrich or even a hen.. however, please correlate clinically.."

The surgeon was the only one who shot.. Boom.. !! 

He blew it away. Then he turned to the pathologist and said "Go and confirm whether its a duck"

The Pathologist slowly and carefully approached the bird and said...

"Specimen Inadequate..."