Just for Laughs
What do men do after sex?
2% eat; 3% smoke cigarettes; 4% take a shower; 5% go to sleep and 86% get up and go back home to their wives.
16 TO 19 BRAND NEW.
20 TO 28 SLIGHTLY USED
29 TO 36 SECOND HAND
37 TO 45 SUBJECT TO REPAIR
46 TO 55 FOR LUBRICATION
56 TO 60 TOTAL WRECK
61 TO 70 CLOSED FOR RENOVATION!!!!!!!
Why is your penis better than a credit card?
(a) Once spent it recharges itself.
(b) It is accepted worldwide.
(c) You can let your wife use it as much as she wants.
LITTLE GIRL: Mommy, I just found out that our
neighbour's son has a penis like a peanut!
MUM: You mean it's small?
LITTLE GIRL: No it's salty!!!
A couple recently married was happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the hole, and she was happy with the thing.
A man was carrying 3 babies in a train.
The lady sitting next to him asked: Are they your babies?
MAN: No, I work in a condom factory and these are customer COMPLAINTS.
Women top 5 lies: from the whitest down
5. I am a virgin.
4. It is so big.
3. I can't do that to my best friend.
2. I won't gain weight after marriage
1. I am coming! I am coming!!!
A guy goes up to a girl in a bar and says: You want to play magic. She says: What is that? He says: We go Home, screw, and then you disappear.
What is the closest thing to a woman's period?
Your SALARY... It comes once a month, lasts 4 or 5 days, and if it doesn't come, you are F*CKED!!!
Teacher asked: Which part of the body goes to heaven first?
A Kid replied : The legs...because every night I see my mum's legs up high and screaming "OH GOD! I'M COMING".
Teacher: Why did you bring your cat to school?
Pupil : Because I heard my sister's boyfriend say, "TONIGHT I WILL EAT YOUR PUSSY".
What's the difference between a panty and a stage curtain?
Answer : When you pull down the stage curtain, show is over, but when you pull down the PANTY... IT'S SHOWTIME.
MUM: Didn't I tell you if a stranger touches your breast say "DON'T". And if he touches your pussy say STOP!
GIRL : But mum, he touched both, so I told him DON'T STOP!!!!"
GIRLS REACTION TO PENIS SIZES
9 INCHES - Oh Shit, pain!!
7 INCHES - Oh, I'm in heaven
6 INCHES - OH PERFECT
5 INCHES - UMMMM OK
4 INCHES - PUSH MORE
3 INCHES - IS THAT IN???
2 INCHES - IDIOT!! JUST USE YOUR TONGUE!!!
Morris returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the Doctor has told him that he has only 24 hours to live.
Given the prognosis, Morris Asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she agrees, so they make love.
About 6 hours later, the Husband goes to his wife and says, 'Honey, you know I now have Only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?' Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again.
Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has
Only 8 hours left. He touches his wife's shoulder and asks, 'Honey, please... Just one
More time before I die.' She says, 'Of course, Dear,' and they make love for the third time.
After this session, the wife rolls over and falls to sleep. Morris, however, worried about his impending death, tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 more hours.
He taps his wife, who rouses. "Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we
At this point the wife sits up and says, 'Listen Morris, enough is enough. I have to get up in the morning... You don't.'