Scratching Balls !

 

A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"

He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."

"Ok, Have you ever been in the military service?"

"Yes," he says, "I was in Iraq for one tour."

The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment." Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles."

The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Okay. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 am every day."

The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm, why don't you want me here until 10:00 am?"

"This is a government job", the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."

Police Drugs Unit - Busted !

 A couple of AFP officers stopped at a property west of Canberra and talked to an old Aboriginal standing on the road.

He told the old Aboriginal, "Morning sir, I need to inspect this land for illegally grown drugs."
The elder reluctantly said, "okay, but don't go into that field over there...", as he nodded his head towards the location.

The AFP officer verbally exploded & said, "Look sir, I have the authority of the federal government with me!".
Reaching into his rear back pocket, the AFP officer removed his badge & proudly displayed it to the old Aboriginal. "See this badge?! This badge means I can go wherever I want, whenever I want................on any land! No questions asked, no answers given! Do you understand mate?"

The elder nodded kindly, apologized & went about his business. Moments later he heard loud - fearful screams; he looked up & saw the AFP officer running for his life, being chased by a large Bull. With every step the Bull was gaining ground on the officer & it was likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. 

The old Aboriginal threw down his tools & ran as fast as he could to the fence & yelled at the top of his lungs...... "YOU’RE BADGE! SHOW HIM YOU’RE FUCKING BADGE!"

Young Girl in Hotel

Once an attractive young lady decides to celebrate her birthday by staying at a Luxury hotel.

The next day when the lady is checking out of the hotel, they give her a bill for $250/-. She is taken aback looking at the bill and starts fighting at the desk on such a big bill. The Manager comes in to end the ruckus with a customer.

He says ''Mam, we have so many facilities for our customer to use Free of cost such as Spa, Swimming pool, Gym etc., so that's why all the charges are included in it.''

The lady replies, but I have not used it, so why should i pay.

Manager says - That's your fault, but you have to pay.

The lady finally hands him over a cheque for $50.

The manager says this is only $50 what about the balance $200.

The lady replies, $200 for you sleeping and using me in the night.

Manager - But i haven't slept with you.

Lady - That's your fault, I was here full night and you could have used me, if you didn't, that's your fault.

 

Speeding Ticket Joke !

Sitting on the highway waiting to catch speeders, a state police officer saw a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, that car is just as dangerous as a speeder. So, he turns his lights on and pulls the car over. Approaching the car, he notices there are 5 old ladies, two at the front and 3 at the back, wide eyed and looking like ghosts.

The driver obviously confused said, "Officer, I don't understand, I wasn't doing over the speed limit!, What seems to be the problem?" "Ma'am," the officer said, "you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be dangerous". "Slower than the speed limit? NO SIR! I was doing exactly 22 miles an hour", the old woman said proudly.

The officer containing a chuckle explains that 22 was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned, thanking the officer for pointing out her error. "Before I go Ma'am, I have to ask, is everyone OK?

These women seem badly shaken and haven't uttered a word all this time" "Oh! they will be alright in a minute, Officer, we just got off Route 142.

Black Testicles?

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the other.

She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."

The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely:

Are - my - test - results - back?"

Funny Australian Help Line !

"G'day mate, Fosters Helpline..
What's the problem mate?"

"Hi Guys, I'm in Australia with the girlfriend and she's been stung on the minge by a hornet, and now her fanny has completely closed up"

"Bummer Mate..."

"Thanks Guys, that's what I thought too.
Bye...

Funny Weather Report Post !

Ever wonder why god does not allow much rain in the Middle East ??

Well, here is the reason - Proof that god keeps a track and knows when his creations are misused !!

Few Funnies - Short Jokes - what women think of men

 when girls agree, call, ask, care, understand, sweet, missing, interfering, possessive, love

The breathtaking view of milky way from mars

 Door Bell broken? Here is repair tips !

Policeman: " How high are you ?"
Me: "No officer. It's Hi, how are you ?"

Orgy at the Great Gatsby !

A teacher, during a casual conversation with one of her students, was amazed to hear that, there was an orgy scene in The Great Gatsby. But, she did not have no recollection of it. 

This is how the conversation ended.... 

Student 1 : Seriously, you don't remember that party scene when they were all together and sweaty and stuff ?

Teacher : But how could they have been having an orgy when they were all clothed?

Another Student across the table hears the conversation and decides to add his 2 cents to the topic.

Student 2 : You can have an orgy clothed...it's called a clergy.

 

 

 

Ten Commandments of Marriage !

Commandment 1
Marriages are made in heaven.
But then again, so is thunder and lightning. 

Commandment 2 
If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep. 

Commandment 3 
Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least a 100 grand! 

Commandment 4 
Married life is very frustrating.
In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen. 
 

Commandment 5 
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: Either the car is new or the wife is. 

Commandment 6
Marriage is when a man and woman become as one;
The trouble starts when they try to decide which one. 

Commandment 7 
Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you said .  After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish. 

Commandment 8
Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife. 

Commandment 9
Marriage and love are purely a matter of chemistry.
That is why one treats the other like toxic waste. 

Commandment 10 
A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished. 

BONUS STORY
A long married couple came upon a wishing well. The wife leaned over, made a wish and threw in a coin
The husband decided to make a wish too. But he leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned.
The wife was stunned for a moment, but then smiled, 'It really works!'

Funny, True Management Lessons !

There was this state bank robbery in Guangzhou, the robber shouted to everyone:

"Don't move, money belongs to the state, life belongs to you".

Everyone in the bank laid down quietly.
This is called:

"Mind Changing Concept & Changing the conventional way of thinking".

One lady, lay on the table provocatively, the robber shouted at her,

"Please be civilized! This is a robbery and not a rape!"
This is called:

"Being Professional & Focus only on what you are trained to do!"

When the robbers got back, the younger robber (MBA trained) told the older robber (who is only primary school educated),

"Big bro, let's count how much we got."

The older robber rebutted and said,

"You very stupid, so much money, how to count, tonight TV will tell us how much we robbed from the bank!"
This is called:

"Experience & nowadays experience is more important than paper qualifications!"

After the robbers left, the bank manager told the bank supervisor to call the police quickly.

The supervisor says,

"Wait, wait wait, let's put the 5 million RMB we embezzled into the amount the robbers robbed".
This is called:

"Swim with the tide & converting an unfavourable situation to your advantage!"

The supervisor says,

"It will be good if there is a robbery every month".
This is called:

"Killing Boredom & Happiness is most important."

The next day, TV news reported that 100 million RMB was taken from the bank.

The robbers counted and counted and counted, but they could only count 20 million RMB.

The robbers were very angry and complained,

"We risked our lives and only took 20 million RMB, the bank manager took 80 million RMB with a snap of his fingers. It looks like it is better to be educated to be a thief!"
This is called:

"Knowledge is worth as much as gold !"

The bank manager was smiling and happy because his loss in the CINOPEC shares are now covered by this robbery.
This is called:

"Seizing the opportunity & daring to take risks!"

Green shoes at the Masters !

Love the shoes Mate - Just Love it !!!


Whether you golf or not, these are AWESOME shoes!

Nike now markets Green� Shoes, first seen at the 2012 Masters Tournament.

The Shoes, Look at the Shoes!
 

Sometimes I think I'm wasting my time posting anything for you !