A dinner Joke !

At dinner, a little boy was ordered to lead in prayer by his father.
 
BOY: But I don't know how to pray.
 
DAD: Just pray for your family members, friends and neighbours, the poor, etc
 
BOY: "Dear Lord," he started

Thank you for our visitors and their children, who finished all my cookies and ice cream. Bless them so they won't come again!

Forgive our neighbor's son, who removed my sister's clothes and wrestled with her on her bed yesterday. 

This coming Christmas, please send clothes to all those poor naked ladies on my daddy's blackberry mobile phone.

Provide shelter to the homeless men who use mom's room when daddy is at work..

AMEN
 

 
That evening Mom and Dad did not have dinner…… 

Defective Parrot Funny Story

A guy is browsing in a pet shop, and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch.  It doesn't have any feet or legs.   


The guy says aloud, 'Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot.?' 

 The parrot says, 'I was born this way.  I'm a defective parrot.'


'Holy crap,' the guy replies. 'You actually understood and answered me. !'


'I got every word,' says the parrot.


'I happen to be a highly intelligent, and a  thoroughly educated bird'

'Oh yeah?' the guy asks.


'Then answer this, how do you hang onto your perch, without any feet.?'

'Well,' the parrot says, 'this is very embarrassing, but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar, like a little hook.


You can't see it, because of my feathers.'


'Wow,' says the guy.


'You really can understand, and can speak English, can't you.?'

'Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic, politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy.


I'm especially good at ornithology.


You really ought to buy me, I'd be a great companion.'


The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag.


'Sorry, but I just can't afford that.'

'Pssssssst,' says the parrot, 'I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me, cause I don't have any feet.


You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer.!'

The guy offers $20, and walks out with the parrot.

Weeks go by.


The parrot is sensational.

He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful.


The guy is delighted.


One day the guy comes home from work, and the parrot goes, 'Psssssssssssst,' and motions him over with one wing.


'I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife, and the UPS man.'

'What are you talking about,?' asks the guy.

'When the UPS man delivered a package today, your wife greeted him at the door, in a sheer black nightie.'


'WHAT???' the guy asks incredulously.


'THEN what happened?' 

'Well, then the UPS man came into the house, and lifted up her nightie, and began petting her all over,' reported the parrot.

'NO!' he exclaims, 'and she let him.?'


'Yes.


Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees, and began to kiss her all over.'

Then the frantic guy demands, 'THEN WHAT HAPPENED.?' 

 DUNNO?!? I got a hard-on, and fell off my perch.!'  

Shit Happens only to me !

I was so depressed the other day and this is what I had to go through....

Ya, there are a lot of things I know by intuition... 

and all shit happens only to me....

So no wonder I am depressed, and still I cannot get a proper answer even if I am suicidal :( !

Apple Sue's All Jokes

 

So Apple did manage to sue Samsung for so called copying their ipad.... what next ??

Topless Hawaii Vacation !

  

Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation. 

They were determined to make this a real vacation
by not wearing anything that would identify them
as clergy. As soon as the plane landed they headed
for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts,
shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.

The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their 'tourist' garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a 'drop dead gorgeous' blonde in a topless bikini came walking straight towards them.. 

They couldn't help but stare.

As the blonde passed them she smiled and said

'Good Morning, Father ~ Good Morning, Father,'
nodding and addressing each of them individually,
then she passed on by. They were both stunned.
How in the world did she know they were priests?
So the next day, they went back to the store
and bought even more outrageous outfits.


These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them! Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a little while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a different colored topless bikini, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them. Again she nodded at each of them, said


'Good morning, Father ~ Good morning, Father,'

and started to walk away. One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, 'Just a minute, young lady..' 'Yes, Father?'

'We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world do you know we are priests, dressed as we are?' She replied,



'Father, it's me, Sister Kathleen..

Commentaries Gone wrong at Olympics 2012

 

Here are some comments made by NBC sports commentators during the Olympics that they would like to take back:

1. Weightlifting commentator: This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria . I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing.

2. Dressage commentator: This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother.

4. Boxing Analyst: Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious.

5. At the rowing medal ceremony: Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew.

6. Soccer commentator: Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field.

7. Tennis commentator: One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them... Oh my God, what have I just said?

Olympics - it brings the world together and we love it !

 

Living Life Backwards

Hot Girl at the Bar !

Having already downed a few power drinks, she turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says:


"Listen here, good looking. I screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on; it doesn't matter to me. I just love it!"

Eyes now wide with interest, he responds:


"No kidding, I'm in banking too! Which one are you with?"

 

It all Began with an iphone

March was when our son celebrated his 17th birthday, and we got him an iPhone. He just loved it. Who wouldn't?

I celebrated my birthday in July, and my wife made me very happy when she bought me an iPad.

Our daughter's birthday was in August so we got her an iPod Touch.

Then, 

My wife celebrated her birthday in September so I got her an iRon.

It was around then that the fight started..

What my wife failed to recognize is that the iRon can be integrated into the home network with the iWash, iCook and iClean.

This inevitably activates the iNag reminder service.

I should be out of the hospital next week!!

  iHurt

Getting Old - Funny Story

Ed came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.

He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, Ed.'

Ed was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!'

St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.'

Ed was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking and pecking the ground..

A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?'

'Not bad,' replied Ed the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!'

'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?'

'Never,' said Ed.

'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal.'

He did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg!  He was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood.  He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming..

As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard.....

"Ed, wake up! You're shitting on the bed!"

Getting OLD just isn't what they said it would be!

 Getting smacked on your head while sleeping isn't cool !!!