Old Man and Ferrari Joke !

What happens when you grow old - Man !!

 

An elderly man on a Moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to a doctor at a street light.

The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, 'What kind of car ya got there, sonny ?'

The doctor replies, 'A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars ! '

'That's a lot of money,' says the old man. 'Why does it cost so much?'

'Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!' states the doctor proudly.

The Moped driver asks, 'Mind if I take a look inside?'

'No problem,' replies the doctor.

So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man says, 'That's a pretty nice car, all right... But I'll stick with my Moped !'

Just then the light changes, So the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 160 mph.

Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer!

He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly 

WHOOOOSSSHHH !

 
Something whips by him going much faster !

'What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari ?' the doctor asks himself.

He presses harder on the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph.

Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the Moped!

Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the Moped at 275 mph and he's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN!

Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph.

Not ten seconds later, he sees the Moped bearing down on him again ! The Ferrari is flat out, and there's nothing he can do!

Suddenly, the Moped plows Into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end.

The doctor stops and jumps out and unbelievably the old man is still alive.

He runs up to the banged-up old guy and says, 'I'm a doctor... Is there anything I can do for you?'

The old man whispers, 'Unhook my suspenders from your side view mirror please !

Credit cards after death !

Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die! This is so priceless and so easy to see happening - customer service, being what it is today!

A lady died this past January, and ANZ bank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and Then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00, now is somewhere around $60.00.

A family member placed a call to the ANZ Bank:

Family Member:
'I am calling to tell you that she died in January.'

ANZ:
'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'

Family Member:
'Maybe, you should turn it over to collections.'

ANZ:
'Since it is two months past due, it already has been.'

Family Member:
So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?'

ANZ:
'Either report her account to the frauds division or report her to
the credit bureau, maybe both!'

Family Member:
'Do you think God will be mad at her?'

ANZ:
'Excuse me?'

Family Member:
'Did you just get what I was telling you . . . The part about her
being dead?'

ANZ:
'Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor.'

Supervisor gets on the phone:

Family Member:
'I'm calling to tell you, she died in January.'

ANZ:
'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'

Family Member:
'You mean you want to collect from her estate?'

ANZ:
(Stammer) 'Are you her lawyer?'

Family Member:
'No, I'm her great nephew.' (Lawyer info given)

ANZ:
'Could you fax us a certificate of death?'

Family Member:
'Sure.' ( fax number is given )

After they get the fax:

ANZ:
'Our system just isn't set up for death. I don't know what more I
can do to help.'

Family Member:
'Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing
her. I don't think she will care.'

ANZ:
'Well, the late fees and charges do still apply.'

Family Member:
'Would you like her new billing address?'

ANZ:
'That might help.'

Family Member:
' Rookwood Memorial Cemetery, 1249 Centenary Rd, Sydney Plot Number
1049.'

ANZ:
'Sir, that's a cemetery!'

Family Member:
'Well, what the hell do you do with dead people on your planet?'

Apple iphone jokes

OK, here is the new generation of Apple computer, ipads, iphones etc. This guy got the Apple logo created on 3D

Well, if he can do that, why cannot Apple themselves be creative - this is what they did to apple's iphone5....

And they forgot that there were many images of Usain Bolt on the iphone after the Olympics...  This is what happened to him after the role over !!

Quantas Landing in Gold Coast !

A Qantas jet is making its final approach to Coolangatta Airport .

The pilot comes on the intercom, 'This is your Captain.  We're on our final descent into Coolangatta. I want to thank you for flying with us today and hope you enjoy your stay on the Gold Coast

He forgets to switch off the intercom. Now the whole plane can hear his conversation from the cockpit.

The co-pilot can be heard saying to the pilot,

'So, Skip, what have got planned while we're on the Gold Coast?'

'Well,' says the skipper, 'first I’m going to check into the hotel, take a big crap, then I'm going take that new stewardess with the huge boobs out for dinner. I'm going wine and dine her, take her back to my room and give her a ride on the baloney pony all night long.' 

Aghast and amused, everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begins looking up and down the aisle, trying to figure out who this new stewardess is that the pilot's talking about.

Meanwhile, the new stewardess is seated at the very back of the plane.

She is so embarrassed that she starts running toward the cockpit to turn the intercom off.

Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag and down she goes.

The old lady leans over and says: 'No need to hurry, dear, He has to land the plane and take a shit first.'

Funny Police Cops

Oregon policemen or state troopers are quite funny at times. In fact all American Cops do sometimes get in to funny situations. Here are three of them to enliven your day !!

And we used to sell lemonade to collect some pocket money ha?

Anyways, here is Another Funny Quote on Drinking and driving - LOL !

The Italian Confession

An Italian Boy goes to the confession room.....'Bless me Father, for I have sinned.I have been with a loose girl.' The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano?' 'Yes, Father, it is.'    'And who was the girl you were with?'!  'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation.'

'Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you

may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?'

'I cannot say.'

  

'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'

  

'I'll never tell.'

  

'Was it Nina Capelli?'

  

'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'

  

'Was it Cathy Piriano?'

  

'My lips are sealed.'

'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'

'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.' 

The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that.  But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'

  

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and

whispers, 'What'd you get?'

  

'Four months vacation and five good leads...'

Alternative medicine

Since, of late Apple has come up with many alternative products and some in the medical domain.

Anyways, this happened at a pharmacy.

A chemist walks back into his shop after a short break and sees a man leaning against the wall.

"What's wrong with him?" he asks his assistant

"He came in for cough syrup but I couldn't find any so I gave him an entire bottle of laxatives" replied the assistant.

"You idiot" exclaims the chemist, "you can't treat a cough with laxatives"

"Of course you can" replies the assistant, "look at him, he's too scared to cough"

For those who don't get the Joke

Laxatives (purgatives, aperients) are foods, compounds, or drugs taken to loosen the stool, most often taken to treat constipation.