Halloween Jokes !

Q: What do ghosts eat for supper?
A: Spooketi
Q: What do you do when 50 zombies surround your house?
A: Hope it’s Halloween!!
Q: What is the most important subject a witch learns in school?
A: Spelling.
Q: Why didn’t the skeleton want to go to school?
A: His heart wasn’t in it.

 Q: Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
A: He didn’t have any guts!
Q: Why did the skeleton cross the road?
A: To get to the body shop.
Q: Why didn’t the skeleton go to the ball?
A: Because he had no BODY to go with.
Q: What did the little girl say when she had to choose between a tricycle and a candy bar?
A: “Trike or Treat”?
Q: What do you call a fat pumpkin?
A: A plumpkin.
Q: What room does a ghost not need?
A: A living room!
Q: Why are ghosts so bad at lying?
A: Because you can see right through them!
Q: Who did Frankenstein take to the dance?
A: His “ghoul” friend!
Q: Why is Superman’s costume so tight?
A: Because he wears a size “S”.

Q: What do you get if you cross a cow and a monster?
A: An “udder” disaster!
Frankenstein: Witch can you make me a lemonade?
Witch: Poof you are a lemonade!
Q: What do you get when you cross a witch with sand?
A: A sandwich!
Q: What is a vampire’s favorite fruit?
A: A nectarine!
“Mommy, everyone says I look like a werewolf.”
“Please be quiet and comb your face.”
Q: What kind of dessert does a ghost like?
A: I scream!
Q: When is it bad luck to be followed by a black cat?
A: When you’re a mouse.
Q: What do birds say on Halloween?
A: Twick o tweet
Q: What do you get when you cross a Cocker Spaniel,
a Poodle and a ghost?
A: A cocker poodle boo.
Q: What do moms dress up as on Halloween?
A: Mummies!
Q: What is a ghost’s favorite fruit?
A: Booberries!
Q: What does a skeleton say before dinner?
A: Bone appetit!
Q: What does a witch use to keep her hair up?
A: Scarespray!
Q: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
A: Frostbite.
Q: What kind of pants do ghosts wear?
A: Boo-Jeans.
Q: Why do ghosts make good cheerleaders?
A: Because they have a lot of spirit.
Q: What did one owl say to the other owl?
A: Happy Owl-ween!
Q: Why is a skeleton so mean?
A: He doesn’t have a heart.
Q: What goes around a haunted house and never stops?
A: A fence.
Q: What did the ghost say to the other ghost?
A: Do you believe in humans?
Q: What do vampires take when they are sick?
A: Coffin drops!
Q: What do you get when you cross a duck with a vampire?
A: Count Quackula!
Q: What is a ghost’s favorite pie?
A: Booberry pie!
Q: Where do ghosts buy their food?
A: At the ghost-ery store!

Shark Attack Facts !

Why do Sharks swim circles around you before attacking?

Two great white sharks, swimming in the ocean, spied survivors of a sunken ship.

"Follow me, son." the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people.

"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did.

"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few more times with all of our fins showing." And they did.

"Now we eat everybody." And they did.

When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?"

His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the shit inside!"

Winter Weather Forecast !

It was autumn, and members of a Native American Indian tribe asked their new Chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was a new Chief in a modern society and had never been taught the old secrets of Nature, he looked up at the sky and had no clue what to do. 

To play it safe, he replied to his tribe that the winter could definitely be cold and that they should collect firewood early, just to be prepared. So, the members began gathering wood.

Being a practical leader, he figured he should also use the resources available to the modern society. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, “Will this winter be cold?”

“As of now, it looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,” the forecaster said.

So the Chief went back to his tribe and told them to collect even more wood. A week later he called the National Weather Service again and asked for an update.

“Yes,” the man at National Weather Service again replied, “based on incoming data, this winter is looking to be colder than we expected.” The Chief was surprised, but again went back to his tribe, told them that this might be a very cold winter, and asked them to collect every scrap of wood they could find.

One week later, the Chief called the National Weather Service yet again, hoping for a new answer. 

“Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?”

“Positive,” the man replied. “It’s going to be one of the coldest winters ever.”

“Really?” the shocked Chief exclaimed. “How can you be so sure?”

“First,” the forecaster replied, “The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy.”

New Celebrity Bobbleheads

All were fascinated about the Bobble Heads of famous characters posted sometime back. Well, here are the new ones.

Who looks the hottest, Who looks the funniest?

Style Your Garage !

(No they are not paying me for advertising them - but, thought this was funny - of course in a good way)

Are you fed up with looking daily at your boring garage door?

Just stick a new decal on your door....and wait for the neighborhood reaction !

Make an impression on your neighbors !

The German company "Style your Garage" makes posters for your garage door.

 Good Stuff Ya?

Scratching Balls !

 

A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"

He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."

"Ok, Have you ever been in the military service?"

"Yes," he says, "I was in Iraq for one tour."

The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment." Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles."

The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Okay. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 am every day."

The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm, why don't you want me here until 10:00 am?"

"This is a government job", the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."

Police Drugs Unit - Busted !

 A couple of AFP officers stopped at a property west of Canberra and talked to an old Aboriginal standing on the road.

He told the old Aboriginal, "Morning sir, I need to inspect this land for illegally grown drugs."
The elder reluctantly said, "okay, but don't go into that field over there...", as he nodded his head towards the location.

The AFP officer verbally exploded & said, "Look sir, I have the authority of the federal government with me!".
Reaching into his rear back pocket, the AFP officer removed his badge & proudly displayed it to the old Aboriginal. "See this badge?! This badge means I can go wherever I want, whenever I want................on any land! No questions asked, no answers given! Do you understand mate?"

The elder nodded kindly, apologized & went about his business. Moments later he heard loud - fearful screams; he looked up & saw the AFP officer running for his life, being chased by a large Bull. With every step the Bull was gaining ground on the officer & it was likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. 

The old Aboriginal threw down his tools & ran as fast as he could to the fence & yelled at the top of his lungs...... "YOU’RE BADGE! SHOW HIM YOU’RE FUCKING BADGE!"

The Milk Man !

A milkman dying in hospital is surrounded by his two sons, daughter, his wife and the nurse.

He says to his eldest son, "To you Peter, I leave the Beverly houses."

To his daughter, "My pretty Rose, to you I leave the apartments in the Los Angeles Plaza."

"And Charlie, you being my youngest son, I leave you the City Center offices".

And to his wife, "Darling, you get the three residential towers downtown."

The wide-eyed nurse, obviously impressed, tells his wife, "Madam, your husband is very rich! And what's great is he is bequeathing all his properties to his family. You are all so lucky!!"

The wife retorts,"Rich??? Lucky??? Are you kidding me!!?? Those are the routes where he delivers milk!!"

Young Girl in Hotel

Once an attractive young lady decides to celebrate her birthday by staying at a Luxury hotel.

The next day when the lady is checking out of the hotel, they give her a bill for $250/-. She is taken aback looking at the bill and starts fighting at the desk on such a big bill. The Manager comes in to end the ruckus with a customer.

He says ''Mam, we have so many facilities for our customer to use Free of cost such as Spa, Swimming pool, Gym etc., so that's why all the charges are included in it.''

The lady replies, but I have not used it, so why should i pay.

Manager says - That's your fault, but you have to pay.

The lady finally hands him over a cheque for $50.

The manager says this is only $50 what about the balance $200.

The lady replies, $200 for you sleeping and using me in the night.

Manager - But i haven't slept with you.

Lady - That's your fault, I was here full night and you could have used me, if you didn't, that's your fault.

 

No Laughing matter

This would be an acceptable reason to laugh at a funeral... A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate funeral by the hospital he worked for most of his life...

A huge heart... covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service as all the doctors from the hospital sat in awe. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners just burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, 'I'm so sorry... I was just thinking of my own funeral...I'm a gynecologist!'

The priest fainted.

Blond Mortician Joke

A man who'd just died is delivered to a local  mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored  black suit.

The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. 

She gives the blonde mortician a blank cheque and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing."

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly...

She says to  the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'

To her astonishment, the blonde  mortician presents her with the blank cheque. 'There's no charge,' she says.

'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' the widow says.

'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about

your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'

So the widow asked: “Did you switch the two suits?”

Mortician replied: “No, I just switched the two heads.”

(BET YOU DIDN'T  SEE THAT COMING!!!)

Speeding Ticket Joke !

Sitting on the highway waiting to catch speeders, a state police officer saw a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, that car is just as dangerous as a speeder. So, he turns his lights on and pulls the car over. Approaching the car, he notices there are 5 old ladies, two at the front and 3 at the back, wide eyed and looking like ghosts.

The driver obviously confused said, "Officer, I don't understand, I wasn't doing over the speed limit!, What seems to be the problem?" "Ma'am," the officer said, "you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be dangerous". "Slower than the speed limit? NO SIR! I was doing exactly 22 miles an hour", the old woman said proudly.

The officer containing a chuckle explains that 22 was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned, thanking the officer for pointing out her error. "Before I go Ma'am, I have to ask, is everyone OK?

These women seem badly shaken and haven't uttered a word all this time" "Oh! they will be alright in a minute, Officer, we just got off Route 142.