Shiiting in Pants is it?

An airplane pilot was welcoming the passengers on the plane shortly after take-off.

" Thank you for flying with us this morning. The Weather is..." when suddenly he starts screaming while he is still on the loud speakers:

"Oh My God" OMG! OMG! This is going to hurt...OMG! Silence reigned!

You can hear a pin-drop. He gets back on the microphone talking to the passengers: " I apologize for this incident...but the stewardess just dropped a very hot cup of coffee on my lap...You should see my pants from the front"... 

A passenger replies ." Why don't you come back here and see OUR PANTS FROM BEHIND" !!!!

No Matter how good it looks, it's the same shit that comes out !!

How Old am I ?

 
A woman decides to have a face-lift for her birthday. She spends $5000 and feels pretty good about the results. 

On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"
 
"About 32," is the reply. "I'm exactly 47," the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question. She replies, "I guess about 29." the woman replies, "Nope, I'm 47." Now, she's feeling really good about herself.

She stops in a chemist on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.

The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30." Again she proudly responds, "I am 47, but, thank you."

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man the same question.

 
He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eye sight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then I can tell you exactly how old you are."

They wait in silence on the empty street until curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, "What the heck, go ahead."

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and under her bra and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. After a couple of minutes of this, She says, "Okay, okay,... how old am I?" He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, "Madam, you are 47." 

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could you tell?"

The old man replies, "Promise you won't get mad?" 

"No", she says. 

He replies, "I was behind you in the line at McDonald's."

Dog and Sexy Owner at Vet's Room

Three Labrador Retrievers -- one brown, one yellow and one black--were sitting in the vet's waiting room when they struck up conversation.

The black lab turned to the brown and said, "So why are you here?"

The brown lab replied, "I'm a pisser. I go on everything -- the sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I went in the middle of my owner's bed."

The black lab said, "So what is the vet going to do?"

"Gonna cut my nuts off," came the reply from the brown lab. "They reckon it'll calm me down."

The black lab then turned to the yellow lab and asked, "Why are you here?"

The yellow lab said, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owner's couch."

So what are they going to do to you?" the black lab inquired.

"Looks like I'm losing my nuts, too." The dejected yellow lab said.

The yellow lab then turned to the black lab and asked, "Why are you here?"

"I'm a humper," the black lab said. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, mailboxes, whatever.I want to do everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started humping away."

The yellow and brown labs exchanged a sad glance and said, "So, nuts off for you too, huh?"

The black lab said, "No, I'm here to get my nails clipped!"

The Pope Quits !

Well, on the 10th day  of creation, god did spray a few assholes unto the surface of earth. However, this was not the reason for pope Benedict the 17th (is it ? I have lost count) to resign or quit his office...

Here are the reasons well documented - enjoy the pictorial !

Or is it that he was stuck by the Monday Blues ?

Blond and cheating Father

This guy is in line at the Super Market when he notices a hot blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him.

He is stunned that such a hottie would be waving to him, and although familiar he can't place where he might know her from, so he says "sorry do you know me?"

She replies "I maybe mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of one of my children!"

His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful, "Christ!" he says "are you that stripper at my bachelor party that I had on the pool table in front of all my friends, while your partner whipped me with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my ass?"

"No" she replies, "I'm your son's English Teacher"

Funny One Liners

• When I was born, I was so surprised I didn't  talk for a year and a half. 
• Join the army, see the world, meet interesting  people, and kill them. 
• Until I was 13, I thought my name was 'Shut  Up.' 
• I'm not afraid to die. I just don't want to be  there when it happens. 
• Always and never are two words you should  always remember never to use.
• I've never been drunk, but often I've been  over served. 
• The road to success is always under  construction. 
• I say no to drugs -- they just don't listen! 
• Marriage is one of the chief causes of  divorce. 
• Work is fine if it doesn't take up too much of  your time. 
• When everything's coming your way, you're in  the wrong lane. 
• Born free; Taxed to death.  
• Everyone has a photographic memory; some  people just don't have film. 
• Life is unsure; always eat your dessert first. 
• Smile -- it makes people wonder what you're up to.  
• I love being a writer... what I can't stand is the paperwork. 
• A printer consists of 3 main parts: the case,  the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light. 
• The hardest part of skating is the ice. 
• The guy who invented the first wheel was an  idiot; the guy who invented the other three, he was  the genius. 
• The trouble with being punctual is that there's no one there to appreciate it. 
• If our constitution allows us free speech, why  are there phone bills? 
• If you tell a man there are 300 billion stars  in the universe, he'll believe you. But if you tell him a park bench has just been painted, he has to touch it to be sure. 
• Beat the 5 O'clock rush: leave work at noon! 
• If you can't convince them, confuse them. 
• It's not the fall that kills you; it's the sudden stop at the end. 
• I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder. 
• Hot glass looks same as cold glass. (Cunino's Law of Burnt Fingers) 
• The cigarette does the smoking - you are just the sucker. 
• Someday is not a day of the week

 

Obama plans of getting Back men to work !

Talking of car's - here is the newest design meant for Arabian women drivers - specially meant for Saudi Arabia !




Anyways,


Pres. Obama called five time NASCAR champion Jeff Gordon and said, "Jeff, old friend, I need your help. One of my new initiatives is to get more black men working. Now having said that, we found a crew in Harlem that can change all four tires, gas the car, in nine seconds using nothing but the old fashioned hand tools."

This was much faster than the present crews, so Jeff happily gave them a try-out. Not only did they change all four tires and gas up the car in nine seconds, but they changed the VIN number, put on a new paint scheme, and sold the car to Dale Earnhardt, Jr. for two cases of Budweiser, a bag of weed, and some pictures of his girlfriend in the shower.

Prince Charles and year 1981 & 2005

 

1981 & 2005 Two Interesting Years as far as Prince Charles is concerned

Interesting Year 1981 

1. Prince Charles got married.
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe.
3. Australia lost the Ashes.
4. The Pope died.

Interesting Year 2005
1. Prince Charles got married.
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe. 3. Australia lost the Ashes.
4. The Pope died.

Lesson to be learned: 

The next time Charles gets married, someone should warn the Pope.

Titanic and Bill Clinton Joke !

Students at a local school were assigned to read two books, 'Titanic' by James Cameron & 'My Life' by Bill Clinton.

One student turned in the following book report, with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories !
 
His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report.

Titanic: cost - $29.99
Clinton : cost - $29.99

Titanic: Over 3 hours to read
Clinton : Over 3 hours to read

Titanic: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton : The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.

Titanic: Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton : Bill is a bullshit artist.

Titanic: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton : Ditto for Monica

Titanic: During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton : Ditto for Monica.

Titanic: Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton : Let's not go there.

Titanic: Rose gets to keep her jewelry
Clinton : Monica is forced to return her gifts.

Titanic: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton : Clinton remembers Monica for the rest of his life.

Titanic: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton : Monica...ooh, let's not go there, either..

Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton : Bill goes home to Hilary - basically the same thing.

Automatic Medical Advice on Computer

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor."

So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.

Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.


The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.