Who's your Daddy?

 

The following are all replies that  Manchester women have written on Child Support Agency Forms in the section for listing "father's details" or put another way....
Who's your Daddy?

These are genuine excerpts from the forms.

1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, Makeeshia was fathered by Maclearndon McKinley.

I am unsure as to the identity of the father of Marlinda but, I believe that she was conceived on the same night.

2. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party, if this helps.

3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl.

She was conceived at a party at  360 East Bolton Avenue where I had sex with a man I met that night.

I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted.

If you do manage to track down the father, can you please send me his phone number?

Thanks.

4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter.

He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels.

Perhaps, you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced.

5. I have never had sex with a man.

I am still a Virginian.

I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was ejaculate and that he is the Saver risen again.

6. I cannot tell you the name of Alleshia's dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the economy.

I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country .

Please advise.

7. Tyrone Hairston is the father of child A.

If you do catch up with him can you ask him what he did with my
AC/DC CDs?

Child B who was also borned at the same time....
Well, I don't have clue.

8. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Euro-Disney World.

Maybe, it really is the Magic Kingdom.

9. So much about that night is a blur.

The only thing that I remember for sure is Gordon Ramsey did a programme about eggs earlier in the evening.

If I had stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 56
Miller St, mine might have remained unfertilized.

10. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all, like when you eat a can of beans, you can't be sure which one made you fart.

Equations !!

 




**Equation 1**

Human = eat + sleep + work + enjoy
Donkey = eat + sleep

Therefore:
Human = Donkey + Work + enjoy

Therefore:
Human - enjoy = Donkey + Work

In other words,
A Human that doesn't know how to enjoy = Donkey that works.

** Equation 2 **

Man = eat + sleep + earn money
Donkey = eat + sleep

Therefore:
Man = Donkey + earn money

Therefore:
Man - earn money = Donkey

In other words
Man who doesn't earn money = Donkey

** Equation 3 **

Woman= eat + sleep + spend
Donkey = eat + sleep

Therefore:
Woman = Donkey + spend
Woman - spend = Donkey

In other words,
Woman who doesn't spend = Donkey

To Conclude,
From Equation 2 and Equation 3

Man who doesn't earn money = Woman who doesn't spend

So Man earns money not to let woman become a donkey!
And a woman spends not to let the man become a donkey!

So, We have
Man + Woman = Donkey + earn money + Donkey + Spend money

Therefore from postulates 1 and 2, we can conclude 
Man + Woman = 2 Donkeys that live happily together!

PLEASE IGNORE IF U R MARRIED.....

Blond, Brunett - all are the same - Women !

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Taking a Hike !

An American, a Briton and an Indian went for a hike one day.
It was very hot and They were sweating and exhausted.

When they came upon a small lake, they took off all their clothes and jumped into the water, (since it was fairly secluded spot.)

Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their absolute "freedom".
 
As they were crossing an open area, suddenly a group of ladies from town appeared.

Unable to get into their clothes in time, the American and the Brit quickly used their hands to cover
their privates, but the Indian covered his face while they ran for cover!

The men got back into  their clothes as soon as the ladies left---- and the Brit and American asked
the Indian why he covered his face rather than his private parts.

The Indian replied,
"I don't know about you guys, but in my country, it's the face that people recognize."

BEST 'HEADACHE' JOKE EVER ..!!

A husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his wife complained, as usual, 'I have a headache.' 'Perfect,' her husband said, 'I was just in the bath-room powdering my penis with crushed aspirin. You can take it orally or as a suppository; it's up to you.'

Why Parents Go Crazy !

A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. " Hello ? "

"Is your daddy home?" he asked.

" Yes ," whispered the small voice.

"May I talk with him?"

The child whispered, " No ."

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"

" Yes ."

"May I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered, " No ."

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"

" Yes ," whispered the child, " a policeman ".

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"

" No, he's busy ", whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?"

" Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman ," came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

" A helicopter " answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.

Again, whispering, the child answered, " The search team just landed a helicopter ."

alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle... "

ME ."

Collection of Funnies !!

Failure is not when your girlfriend leaves you, it's only when you leave her a virgin. Tension is when wife is pregnant! Terror is when girlfriend is pregnant! Horror is when both are pregnant! Tragedy is when you are not responsible for both! The Blue Whale ejaculates over 40 gallons of sperm when mating. Only 10% enters the female. And you always wondered why the sea tasted salty? Why is it that a girl looks down when you say I love you? To see if you really mean it! Why is sex similar to shaving? Well, because no matter how well you do it today, tomorrow you have to do it again. Wives are funny creatures. They don't have sex with their husbands for weeks and then they want to kill the woman who does. Wife: My hubby & I have, what he calls-Olympic sex. Friend: Wow, must be a terrific sex life? Wife: Not really. It only happens once in 4 years. The stock markets now are like an old man's dick? Just refusing to rise, and the irony is that everyone is still getting screwed! This week is Breast Awareness Week. Spread the slogan ....... "We stare because we care!" The saddest part of a man's body is his balls. The Lord Almighty sentenced them to "Hang Till Death!" A loud scream comes from the bedroom and the husband runs in. He sees a guy leaping out of the window. Wife yells: That guy just screwed me twice! Husband: Twice? Why didn't you call me in after he screwed you once? Wife: Because I thought it was you, until he started the second time. What is the difference between a chicken and a baby? Chicken is the result of a sitting hen while the baby is the result of standing cock. If a bomb bursts in a bra, what would you get? Tit-Bits. And if it bursts in a man's underwear? Banana split. What's the difference between a bomb & a condom? In a bomb blast, population decreases BUT in a condom blast, population increases.

Hubby Wifee Jokes !!

A man went to police station for filing report for his missing wife:

Man        :     I lost my wife (misty)
Inspector  :    What is her height
Man        :     I never noticed
Inspector  :     Slim or healthy
Man        :     Not slim, can be healthy
Inspector  :     Colour of eyes
Man        :      Never noticed
Inspector  :     Colour of hair
Man        :     Changes according to season
Inspector  :     What was she wearing
Man        :     Saree/suit/ I don’t remember exactly
Inspector  :     Was somebody with her ?????????
Man        :     Yes my Labrador dog, Romeo,  tied with a golden chain, height 30 inches, healthy, blue eyes, blackish brown hair, his left foot thumb nail is slightly broken, he never barks, wearing a golden belt studded with blue balls, he likes non-veg food, we eat together, we jog together….

And the man started crying…..

Inspector:            Lets search for the dog first !!!!!!!

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Wife to Husband: Do you know the meaning of W I F E? 

Husband : It means, Without Information, Fighting Everytime!
Wife: No darling, it means,With Idiot For Ever

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Wife: I wish I was a newspaper, So I'd be in your hands all day.
Husband: I too wish that you were a newspaper, So I could have a new one everyday.

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Doctor: Your husband needs rest and peace. Here are some sleeping pills..
Wife: When must I give them to him?
Doctor: They are for you  ________________________________________

Wife: I had to marry you to find out how stupid you are.
Husband: You should have known it the minute - I asked you to marry me.
 

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Husband: Today is Sunday & I have to enjoy it. So I bought 3 movie tickets.
Wife: Why Three?
Husband: For you and your parents
 

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Wife: What will you give me if I climb the great Mount Everest?
Husband: A lovely Push...!!!
 

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Q: What is the most effective way to remember your wife's birthday?
A: Just forget it once and you will never forget it again
 

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After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, You know, I was a fool when I married you..
The husband replied, "Yes dear, but I was in love and didn't notice

In Heat !!

A little girl asks her mum, 'Mum, can I take the dog for a walk around the block?'  

Her mum replies 'No, because she is on heat.'
  
'What does that mean?' asked the child. 
 
'Go and ask your father. I think he's in the garage.'

The little girl goes out to the garage and says, 'Dad, can I take Luna for a walk around the block? I asked Mum but she said the dog was on the heat, and to come ask you.'
 

He took a rag, soaked it in petrol, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said 'OK, you can go now, but keep Luna on the leash and only go one time around the block.'
 

The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.. 
 
Surprised, Dad asked, 'Where's Luna?'
 
The little girl said, 'She ran out of petrol about halfway round the block and lots of dogs came to help, and one dog is pushing her home.'

Arabian Sexology !!

 

 

For more fun stuff - check the Blog Archive

Indian Jews !!

Two Jewish tourists, "Sid" and "Al", were traveling through India.

Sitting in a Bombay restaurant, Sid asked Al "Are there any people of

our faith born and raised in India?"

Al replied, "I don't know, let's ask our waiter."

When the waiter came by, Al asked him, "Are there any Indian Jews?"

and the waiter said, "I don't know Sir, I'll ask the cooks."

He returned from the kitchen in a few minutes and said "No sir, no Indian Jews."

Al wasn't really satisfied with that and asked, "Are you absolutely

sure?"

The waiter, realizing he was dealing with foreign tourists gave the

expected answer, "I will check again, Sir!" and went back into the

kitchen.

While the waiter was away, Sid said, "I find it hard to believe that

there are no Jews in India. Our people are scattered everywhere in

the world."

The waiter returned and said, "Sir, the head cook said there is no Indian Jews."

"Are you certain?" Al asked once again, "I can't believe there are no

Indian Jews!"

"Sir, I ask EVERYONE," replied the exasperated waiter. "All we have is

Orange Jews, Mango Jews, Prune Jews, Tomato Jews and Grape Jews."

How things were Invented

 

 

 

The man discovered COLOURS and invented PAINT,

The woman discovered PAINT and invented MAKEUP.
The man discovered the WORD and invented CONVERSATION,
The woman discovered CONVERSATION and invented GOSSIP.
The man discovered AGRICULTURE and invented FOOD,
The woman discovered FOOD and invented DIET.
The man discovered FRIENDSHIP and invented LOVE,
The woman discovered LOVE and invented LOVE TRIANGLES.
The man discovered TRADING and invented MONEY,
The woman discovered MONEY and invented SHOPPING.
Thereafter man has discovered and invented a lot of things...
but the women are BUSY shopping.................

More to the collection !

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While making love, he says:
- Darling, let's do 68!
- 68??? What's that?
- You do it to me and I'll owe you one. 

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 A wife catches her husband masturbating under the shower and approaches him. The husband:
- Oh dear, it was so dirty that I had to rub it so hard... it almost hurts! 

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Pinocchio talks to Gepetto:
- Daddy my dick is all jagged and crooked so I have no success with girls.
- You know, my son, I didn’t care too much about that detail, but that should not be a problem. Go to the shop, take a sandpaper and fix it.
After some time, Gepetto asks Pinocchio:
- Well, did you resolve the problem with the girls?
- Daddy, since I got the sandpaper who needs the girls anymore. 

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A bachelor has no belly because when he opens a fridge he says:
- "Fuck it, the same again!" and then goes to the bed.
Married man has belly because when he comes to the bed he says:
- "Fuck it, the same again!" and then goes and opens the fridge.  

Faceless Cartoons 2 !

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Faceless Cartoons !!

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More Funny stuff... !

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