Messing with the Secretary !

Paddy : "Your new secretary is very sexy....."

Seamus : "Thanks! She's actually a robot, named Doreen......
If you squeeze her right breast, she takes dictation

&

If you squeeze her left breast, she types letters.
Will work as long as you like,

No complaining,

No sick days,

No medical,

No dental...
I'll lend her to you for a day & you can see how functional and efficient she is".


Next day,

Paddy called Seamus from the hospital & shouted :

"Seamus….... You bastard!

You didn't tell me that the hole between Doreen's legs is a Pencil Sharpener..."

Secret Behind Obama's Success

Another reason for Obama to emerge the winner of the battle for presidency with Mitt Romney.

Their wives explains the reasons best.

 Also, Romney got his new seat

While Obama Grabbed the Opportunity quite easily.

However, Mitt Romney got a new office too... and it was a very successful business center !

Offensive Jokes - Politically Incorrect !

British humour- ABSOLUTELY POLITICALLY INCORRECT AND HILARIOUS

 Police in London have found a bomb outside a mosque..

They've told the public not to panic as they've managed to push it inside.
============================================

During last night's high winds an African family were killed by a falling tree.
A spokesman for the Birmingham City council said "We didn't even know they were living up there".
=============================================

Jamaican minorities in the UK have complained that there are not enough television shows with minorities in mind, so Crimewatch is being shown 5 times a week now.
=============================================

I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed.
How could anyone stoop so low.
=============================================

I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor
balcony shaking a carpet.
I shouted up to him, "what's up Abdul, won't it start?" 

Mitt Romney the Looser !!

First of all - Congradulations Mr. Barak Obama on winning the second term. Great News for the whole world and Thank you America for making it happen !!

This is simply good,I hope Obama follows it up.

The night before the election, Mitt Romney was very confident & told his wife Ann "this time tomorrow night, you'll be sleeping with the President of the United States". After Mitt's concession speech, they headed to bed. Ann was getting undressed when she asked, "so how does this work? Is Barack coming over here or I'm I supposed to go over there?

And - never fuck with Sesame Street !!

A man was dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there was a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket towards the man.

He reflexively reached out, grabbed it out of the air, and handed it back.

'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman said, as she popped her eye back in place. 'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.'

They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they went to the theater followed by drinks... They talked, they laughed, she shared her deepest dreams and he shared his. She listened to him with interest.

After paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy was amazed. Everything had been so incredible!

'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman.. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'

'No,' she replies. 

Then She says..................... 

Wait for it ... ....

It's coming ..... ....

The suspense is killing you, isn't it?

She said ... ...: 'You just happened to catch my eye.'

Crazy One Liners !

In life, never look down on anybody, unless you are getting a lovely view of the Cleavage !

Whenever you see a woman and an opportunity don't screw the opportunity !

Define contraceptive pill ?
It's the second best thing that a women can keep in her mouth to avoid Pregnancy.

What is the similarity between doing sex and doing surgery?
Skill is more important than the instrument...

The saddest part of a Man's body is his Balls. The Lord Almighty sentenced Them to : Hang Till Death !

A football team loses their star player, Roger Dicks, due to an injury.
Next day a headline reads: Team to play without Dicks.
The manager calls up the newspaper and objects, so the editor changes the Headline. 
It reads: Team to play with Dicks out.

What is the definition of a Lesbian?
Yet another Damn Woman trying to do a Man's job !!

On a NUDE beach a man shakes hand with a lady and says: Pleased to meet  you!
Lady: Yeah, I can SEE that.

Today's generation: Six year old boy to a four year old boy: Dude, I found a Condom in the balcony.
Four year old boy: What's a balcony ?

What advice does the doctor give to sick prostitutes?
Stay out of BED for two days.

Three old men were sitting around complaining about how much their hands Shook.
The first geezer said, "My hands shake so bad that when I shaved this morning I cut my face!"
The second old fogy one-upped him. "My hands shake so bad that when I trimmed my garden yesterday I sliced all my flowers!"
The third old man laughed and said, "That's nothing. My hands shake so bad that when I took a piss yesterday, I came three times."  

A loud scream comes from the bedroom and the husband runs in. He sees a guy leaping out of the window.
Wife yells: That guy just screwed me twice !
Husband: Twice? Why didn't you call me in after he screwed you once ?
Wife: Because I thought it was you, until he started the second time.

Prostitute: Hi, want to have sex ?
Sam : Ok. Only if you do it like my wife does.
Prostitute: I can do it in any way. So how does she do it ?
Sam : She does it for free.

Doctor:  Your  knees all blistered?
Lady: Coz of doggy style !
Doctor: Can't you do it any other style?
Lady: Oh, I can, but the dog can't ! 

Hotel Service and Maintenance Joke !

 

 

 

A Husband frantically calls Hotel Maintenance and Engineering Division from his hotel room.

Husband yells " Please come fast I'm having an argument with my wife and she says she will jump out the window of your hotel ".

The Maintenance Engineer responded, " Sir that's a personal matter. I am sorry, but, we are not in a position to get involved in personal matters. It is not allowed as per our service agreements"

Husband Yells Back " Idiot, the fucking window won't open ! That's a Maintenance Matter ! 

 

Army Joke

“ PRIVATE WILLIAMS…….”        

Sergeant Jones was doing a drill one morning when a letter was given to him. Sergeant stood up and shouted, "PRIVATE WILLIAMS STAND UP!.....YOUR MOTHER HAS DIED!" Private Williams immediately bawled into tears and fainted.

Sergeant Smith told Sergeant Jones, "You should have broken the news to him nicer....he wouldn't have been so upset." Two months had passed, Sergeant Jones was running another drill and he received another letter which stated that Private Williams' father had died, and then he thought for a minute and then shouted, "EVERYONE WHOSE FATHER IS ALIVE, TAKE ONE STEP FORWARD" and so they did, and then Sergeant Jones shouted,

"PRIVATE WILLIAMS... WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING?!"