'I HATE MY JOB DAY'

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When you have an 'I HATE MY JOB DAY'

Try this out:

Stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase 
a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson.

Be very sure you get this brand.

When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed.

Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favourite chair. Open the package and remove the thermometer.

Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.

Now the fun part begins.

Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully.

You will notice that in small print there is this statement:

"Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized."

Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times,' I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson & Johnson.'

HAVE A NICE DAY; AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS MORE OF APAIN IN THE ARSE THAN YOURS!

if you haven't got a smile on your face and laughter in your heart...

Maybe you should go and work for Johnson and Johnson - after all testing is carried out by some interesting people (as the one below)

Silly People gone on Vacations

Guys  Please share this among your friends on Facebook, g+ or Twitter !!

THESE ARE ACTUAL COMPLAINTS RECEIVED BY "THOMAS COOK VACATIONS" FROM DISSATISFIED CUSTOMERS:

1. "They should not allow topless sunbathing on the beach. It was very distracting for my husband who just wanted to relax."

2. "On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food."

3. "We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish."

4. "We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our own swimsuits and towels. We assumed it would be included in the price."

5. "The beach was too sandy. We had to clean everything when we returned to our room."

6. "We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as white but it was more yellow."

7. "It's lazy of the local shopkeepers in Puerto Vallartato close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time -- this should be banned."

8. "No-one told us there would be fish in the water. The children were scared."

9. "Although the brochure said that there was a fully equipped kitchen, there was no egg-slicer in the drawers."

10. "I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local convenience store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."

11. "The roads were uneven and bumpy, so we could not read the local guide book during the bus ride to the resort. Because of this, we were unaware of many things that would have made our holiday more fun."

12. "It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England. It took the Americans only three hours to get home. This seems unfair."

13. "I compared the size of our one-bedroom suite to our friends' three-bedroom and ours was significantly smaller."

14. "The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the resort.' We're trainee hairdressers and we think they knew and made us wait longer for service."

15. "When we were in Spain, there were too many Spanish people there. The receptionist spoke Spanish, the food was Spanish. No one told us that there would be so many foreigners."

16. "We had to line up outside to catch the boat and there was no air-conditioning."

17. "It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."

18. "I was bitten by a mosquito. The brochure did not mention mosquitoes."

19. "My fiancée and I requested twin-beds when we booked, but instead we were placed in a room with a king bed. We now hold you responsible and want to be re-reimbursed for the fact that I became pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."

BEST MARRIAGE COUNCILOR EVER !

Betty had convinced herself that she was unhappily married…! After much introspection, she ultimately confronted her loving husband Bob with the suggestion that they seek marriage guidance counselling. After 25 years of matrimony, she felt the magic had gone from their marriage. Bob’s real passion had become Lawn Bowls and no longer her! Ever willing to please, Bob conceded.

After introductions and pleasantries and being seated in the handsome young guidance councillor’s very comfortably furnished rooms, he turned solemnly to Betty and enquired of her what she felt the problem was. Betty launched unreservedly into a passionate, painful tirade… listing every personal problem she perceived she and Bob had ever encountered in their 25 years of married life. She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage. 

Finally, after allowing the oratory to continue for an ample length of time, the analyst arose, walked around the desk, looked pensively at Betty and after asking her to stand, embraced her, unbuttoned her blouse and bra, placed his large, soft, warm hands on her breasts and massaged them thoroughly, whilst kissing her passionately, as her bemused husband Bob watched with interest!

Highly aroused, Betty was finally speechless. Blushing profusely, she buttoned up her blouse and quietly sat down while basking in the glow of the councilors attentive actions.

The councilor returned to his seat, sat down, turned to Bob, looked him square in the eyes and calmly said: 'Bob, this is what your wife needs, at least three times a week…can you do this?'

Bob thought pensively for a moment and then replied enthusiastically, 'Well yes, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays…...But on Tuesdays, Thursdays and Fridays I play bowls!

Best marriage jokes !

(1) Put your wife in a room & lock it.

      Put your dog in another room & lock it !!!
      Open both rooms after 2 - 3 hours & see who is Happy to see you, and who will BITE you ! 
(Group members are advised not to try this at home as these stunts were performed by professionals; who are now divorced; and living happily with their dog!!) 
 
Don't laugh loud ----  
The extended version says... 

 
2) Put your husband in a room & lock it.
    Put your dog in another room & lock it !!!
    Open both rooms after 2 - 3 hours & you will be happy to see your dog waiting for you.. but you'll be angry looking at your husband sleeping like he never slept before!!! 
 

3) Always keep your spouse’s picture as mobile screen saver.
   Whenever you face a problem, see the picture & say:
   "if I can handle this, I can handle anything!"… Superb Attitude for Life!!  
 

(4) If wife wants husband’s attention, she just has to look sad & uncomfortable.
     If husband wants wife’s attention, he just has to look comfortable & happy.  
 
(5) A Philosopher HUSBAND said:- "Every WIFE is a ‘Mistress’ of her Husband…
     “Miss” for first year & “Stress” for rest of the life…"!!!!  
 

(6) Million Dollar Truth:
     If Saturday and Sunday doesn't excite you, then change your Friends.
     If Monday doesn't motivate you, then change your profession.
     If Monday is too exciting, and you are dying to get to work, then you should     
     

change your spouse!! 

 
(7) Do you remember the tingling feeling when you took the decision to get married? That was common sense leaving your body.
 
(8)Generally a man does not go to the place again where he has been cheated once…
But many people still go to their in-laws place..????
 
(9) Pappu: Dad, l got selected for a role in a play for annual day!
     Dad: What role are you playing?
    Pappu: A husband!
     Dad: Stupid, ask for a role with dialogues!
 
(10) Man outside phone booth: “Excuse me you are holding phone since 29 minutes and you haven’t spoken a word”.
     Man inside: “I am talking to my wife” 

 
(11) A very intelligent girl was asked the meaning of marriage..
       She said- “sacrificing the admiration of hundred guys, to face the criticism of one idiot”
 
(12) Position of a husband is just like a Split AC, No matter how loud he is outdoor, He is designed to remain silent indoor!
 
(13) Best one line ad by a married man on OLX:
      "For Sale – Wedding Suit, used only once by Mistake……" 

50 SHADES OF GREY THE PARODY !

Four men have been going on the same golfing trip to St Andrews for many years. Two days before the group is to leave, Jack's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.

Jack's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do?Two days later, the three get to St Andrews only to find Jack sitting at the R & A bar with four drinks set up!

‘’Wow, Jack, how long have you been here, and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?"

‘’Well, I've been here since last night. Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my living-room chair and my wife came up behind me, put her hands over my eyes and asked, ‘’Guess who?" I pulled her hands off, and there she was, wearing a transparent nightie.

‘’She took my hand and pulled me into our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over the bed.

Well... she has been reading ‘50 Shades of Grey’......

On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did.’’

And then she said, "Do whatever you want."

‘’So --- here I am!’’

Young Lady at Dentist !

ALICE WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR HER FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST. SHE NOTICED HIS DENTAL DIPLOMA, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME.

SUDDENLY, SHE REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK HAIRED GUY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN HER SECONDARY SCHOOL CLASS SOME 40-ODD YEARS AGO.

COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT SHE HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN, SHE WONDERED?

UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, SHE QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT. THIS BALDING, GREY HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS FAR TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN HER CLASSMATE.

AFTER HE EXAMINED HER TEETH, SHE ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK SECONDARY SCHOOL .

'YES, YES I DID. I'M A MORGANNER! 'HE BEAMED WITH PRIDE.

'WHEN DID YOU LEAVE TO GO TO COLLEGE?' ALICE ASKED

HE ANSWERED, IN 1965. WHY DO YOU ASK?

'YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!' ALICE EXCLAIMED.

HE LOOKED AT ALICE CLOSELY.

THEN THE UGLY,
OLD,
BALD,
WRINKLED,
FAT ARSED,
GREY HAIRED,
DECREPIT,
BASTARD ASKED..

'WHAT SUBJECT DID YOU TEACH?

Newtons forgotten Laws !!

Ten Laws Newton Forgot To State.

1. LAW OF QUEUE

If you change queues, the one you have left will start to move faster than the one you are in now.

2. LAW OF TELEPHONE

When you dial a wrong number, you never get an engaged tone.

 3. LAW OF MECHANICAL REPAIR

After your hands become coated with
Grease, your nose will begin to itch.

4. LAW OF THE WORKSHOP

Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

5. LAW OF THE ALIBI

 

If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire.

6. BATH THEOREM 

When the body is immersed in water, the telephone rings.

7. LAW OF ENCOUNTERS

The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen
With.

8. LAW OF THE RESULT

When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will!

9. LAW OF BIOMECHANICS

The severity of the itch is inversely
Proportional to the reach.

10. LAW OF COFFEE

As soon as you sit down for a cup of hot coffee,your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

How can Newton the greatest inventor of our times be left behind.

NEWTON STRIKES BACK WITH LAW NO 11.

THE LAW OF MOTION.

LOOSE MOTION CANNOT BE DONE IN SLOW MOTION!!!

The funny Arrest !!

Math teacher arrested at JFK airport is suspected of belonging to secret terror society  !!!


A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, an ancient wooden device called a “slide-rule” and a calculator.


At a morning press conference, Attorney General Eric Holder said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

“Al-Gebra is a problem for us,” the Attorney General said. “Al-Gebra has terrorized many young people for years. They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values. They use secret code names like ‘X’ and ‘Y’ and refer to themselves as ‘unknowns,’ but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.”


As the Greek philosopher Isosceles used to say, “There are 3 sides to every triangle.'” When asked to comment on the arrest, President Obama said, “If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, he would have given us more fingers and toes.”


White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the President.

It is believed that another Nobel Prize will follow.

To Be 8 again !

I was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching my wife, Vicky who was looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not  far off I asked what she'd like to have for her birthday.

'I'd like to be eight again', she replied, still looking in the mirror .

On the morning of her Birthday, I arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her to Adventure World theme park. What a day! I put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.

Five hours later we staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. I then took her to a McDonald's and ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favourite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!


Finally she wobbled home and collapsed into bed exhausted.


I leaned over my wife & with a big smile lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being eight again?
  
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.

'I meant my dress size, you FUCKING idiot!!!!'


The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.