History of Headache !

God said, 'Adam, I Want you to do Something for Me.' Adam said, 'Gladly, Lord, what do You Want me to do?'  God said, 'Go down Into that valley.' Adam said, 'What's a Valley?'  God explained it to Him. Then God said, 'Cross the river...' Adam said, 'What's a River?'  God explained that To him, and then said, 'Go over to the hill....'  Adam said, 'What is a Hill?'  So, God explained to Adam what a hill was. He told Adam, 'On The other side of the Hill you will find a Cave.'  Adam said, 'What's a Cave?'  After God explained, He said, 'In the cave You will find a woman.'  Adam said, 'What's a Woman?'  So God explained That to him, too. Then, God said, 'I Want you to Reproduce.'  Adam said, 'How do I do that?'  God first said (under His breath), 'Geez.....'  And then, just like Everything else, God Explained that to Adam, as well.  So, Adam goes down Into the valley, Across the river, and Over the hill, into the Cave, and finds the Woman. Then, in about five Minutes, he was back.  God, His patience Wearing thin, said Angrily, 'What is it Now?' And Adam said....  * * * 'What's a headache?'

Funny Limerick !

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Never Trust a Cricketer !

Come all ye fair young maidens and harken unto me,

Never trust a cricketer, whoever he may be.

Randier than a sailor, who's been six months at sea.

Never let a cricketer's hand an inch above your knee.

First let's take the Paceman, pure speed from first to last.

My darlings do be careful, his balls are hard and fast.

Then there's the Medium Pacer, his balls swing either  way.

He's really most persistent and can keep it up all day.

Watch out for the Off-spinner, girls, another awkward chap.

If you leave him half an opening, he will slip one through the gap.

Then there's the wiley 'slowy', pure cunning is his strength,

He'll tempt you, then he'll trap you with his very subtle length.

So ladies, do be careful---your mothers would agree.

Never trust a cricketer----whoever he may be.

And what about the Opening bat, his struggles never cease,

He has just one ambition, to spend all day at the  'crease'.

The number Three is a dasher, he seldom prods and pokes,

When he goes into action, he has a fine array of strokes.

And do beware the Slogger, not content with one or two,

When he opens up for action, then only six will do.

Then there's the real stonewaller, girls, he knows what he's about,

and if you let him settle in, it's hard to get him out.

We come now to the last man, be ready for a shock,

He doesn't mind if he's last man in -as long as he gets a knock.

So, darlings, do be careful-and be well warned by me,

Never trust a cricketer- whoever he may be.

And watch the wicket keeper, girls; he's full of flair and dash,

And if you raise your heels, he'll whip'em off in a  flash.

If you take the field with the captain, you had better know  the score

or he'll have you in positions that you never knew  before.

The cricket commentator- is a nosey sort of bloke,

He watches all the action and describes it stroke by  stroke.

Even the kindly umpire-may look friendly as a pup,

You'll quickly find you've had it, when he puts his  finger up.

So, darlings please remember, repeat after me,

NEVER TRUST A CRICKETER-WHOEVER HE MAY BE!!!! 

Click on the Pic ;) or HERE !!!

TANJOOBERRYMUTT !!

By the time you read through this YOU WILL UNDERSTAND

"TANJOOBERRYMUTT" ...and be ready for China .

In order to continue getting-by in China , we need to learn English the way it is spoken in China...... ......... ........

Practice by reading the following conversation until you are able to

understand the term "TANJOOBERRYMUTT" .

With a little patience, you'll be able to fit right in.

Now, here goes... The following is a telephonic exchange between maybe you as a hotel guest and room-service today......

Room Service : "Morrin. Roon sirbees."

Guest : "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service. "

Room Service: " Rye . Roon sirbees...morrin! Joowish to oddor sunteen???"

Guest: "Uh..... Yes, I'd like to order bacon and eggs ."

Room Service: "Ow ulai den?"

Guest: ".....What?? "

Room Service: "Ow ulai den?!?... Pryed, boyud, pochd?"

Guest: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry.. Scrambled, please."

Room Service: "Ow ulai dee bayken ? Creepse?"

Guest: "Crisp will be fine."

Room Service: "Hokay. An sahn toes?"

Guest: "What?"

Room Service: "An toes. ulai sahn toes?"

Guest: "I.... Don't think so.."

RoomService: "No? Udo wan sahn toes???"

Guest: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'udo wan

sahn toes' means."

RoomService: " Toes ! Toes!...Why Uoo don wan toes? Ow bow Anglish

moppin we botter?"

Guest: "Oh, English muffin! !! I've got it! You were saying 'toast'...

Fine...Yes, an English muffin will be fine."

RoomService: "We botter?"

Guest: "No, just put the botter on the side."

RoomService: "Wad?!?"

Guest: "I mean butter... Just put the butter on the side."

RoomService: "Copy?"

Guest: "Excuse me?"

RoomService: "Copy...tea. .meel?"

Guest: "Yes. Coffee, please... And that's everything."

RoomService: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, creepse bayken , Anglish moppin,

we botter on sigh and copy ... Rye ??"

Guest: "Whatever you say."

RoomService: "Tanjooberrymutts. "

Guest: "You're welcome"

Remember I said "By the time you read through this YOU WILL UNDERSTAND

'TANJOOBERRYMUTTS' ......

and you do, don't you! 

Thank you Very Much !!

Who's your Daddy?

 

The following are all replies that  Manchester women have written on Child Support Agency Forms in the section for listing "father's details" or put another way....
Who's your Daddy?

These are genuine excerpts from the forms.

1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, Makeeshia was fathered by Maclearndon McKinley.

I am unsure as to the identity of the father of Marlinda but, I believe that she was conceived on the same night.

2. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party, if this helps.

3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl.

She was conceived at a party at  360 East Bolton Avenue where I had sex with a man I met that night.

I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted.

If you do manage to track down the father, can you please send me his phone number?

Thanks.

4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter.

He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels.

Perhaps, you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced.

5. I have never had sex with a man.

I am still a Virginian.

I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was ejaculate and that he is the Saver risen again.

6. I cannot tell you the name of Alleshia's dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the economy.

I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country .

Please advise.

7. Tyrone Hairston is the father of child A.

If you do catch up with him can you ask him what he did with my
AC/DC CDs?

Child B who was also borned at the same time....
Well, I don't have clue.

8. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Euro-Disney World.

Maybe, it really is the Magic Kingdom.

9. So much about that night is a blur.

The only thing that I remember for sure is Gordon Ramsey did a programme about eggs earlier in the evening.

If I had stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 56
Miller St, mine might have remained unfertilized.

10. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all, like when you eat a can of beans, you can't be sure which one made you fart.

Equations !!

 




**Equation 1**

Human = eat + sleep + work + enjoy
Donkey = eat + sleep

Therefore:
Human = Donkey + Work + enjoy

Therefore:
Human - enjoy = Donkey + Work

In other words,
A Human that doesn't know how to enjoy = Donkey that works.

** Equation 2 **

Man = eat + sleep + earn money
Donkey = eat + sleep

Therefore:
Man = Donkey + earn money

Therefore:
Man - earn money = Donkey

In other words
Man who doesn't earn money = Donkey

** Equation 3 **

Woman= eat + sleep + spend
Donkey = eat + sleep

Therefore:
Woman = Donkey + spend
Woman - spend = Donkey

In other words,
Woman who doesn't spend = Donkey

To Conclude,
From Equation 2 and Equation 3

Man who doesn't earn money = Woman who doesn't spend

So Man earns money not to let woman become a donkey!
And a woman spends not to let the man become a donkey!

So, We have
Man + Woman = Donkey + earn money + Donkey + Spend money

Therefore from postulates 1 and 2, we can conclude 
Man + Woman = 2 Donkeys that live happily together!

PLEASE IGNORE IF U R MARRIED.....

Blond, Brunett - all are the same - Women !