Best marriage jokes !

(1) Put your wife in a room & lock it.

      Put your dog in another room & lock it !!!
      Open both rooms after 2 - 3 hours & see who is Happy to see you, and who will BITE you ! 
(Group members are advised not to try this at home as these stunts were performed by professionals; who are now divorced; and living happily with their dog!!) 
 
Don't laugh loud ----  
The extended version says... 

 
2) Put your husband in a room & lock it.
    Put your dog in another room & lock it !!!
    Open both rooms after 2 - 3 hours & you will be happy to see your dog waiting for you.. but you'll be angry looking at your husband sleeping like he never slept before!!! 
 

3) Always keep your spouse’s picture as mobile screen saver.
   Whenever you face a problem, see the picture & say:
   "if I can handle this, I can handle anything!"… Superb Attitude for Life!!  
 

(4) If wife wants husband’s attention, she just has to look sad & uncomfortable.
     If husband wants wife’s attention, he just has to look comfortable & happy.  
 
(5) A Philosopher HUSBAND said:- "Every WIFE is a ‘Mistress’ of her Husband…
     “Miss” for first year & “Stress” for rest of the life…"!!!!  
 

(6) Million Dollar Truth:
     If Saturday and Sunday doesn't excite you, then change your Friends.
     If Monday doesn't motivate you, then change your profession.
     If Monday is too exciting, and you are dying to get to work, then you should     
     

change your spouse!! 

 
(7) Do you remember the tingling feeling when you took the decision to get married? That was common sense leaving your body.
 
(8)Generally a man does not go to the place again where he has been cheated once…
But many people still go to their in-laws place..????
 
(9) Pappu: Dad, l got selected for a role in a play for annual day!
     Dad: What role are you playing?
    Pappu: A husband!
     Dad: Stupid, ask for a role with dialogues!
 
(10) Man outside phone booth: “Excuse me you are holding phone since 29 minutes and you haven’t spoken a word”.
     Man inside: “I am talking to my wife” 

 
(11) A very intelligent girl was asked the meaning of marriage..
       She said- “sacrificing the admiration of hundred guys, to face the criticism of one idiot”
 
(12) Position of a husband is just like a Split AC, No matter how loud he is outdoor, He is designed to remain silent indoor!
 
(13) Best one line ad by a married man on OLX:
      "For Sale – Wedding Suit, used only once by Mistake……" 

50 SHADES OF GREY THE PARODY !

Four men have been going on the same golfing trip to St Andrews for many years. Two days before the group is to leave, Jack's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.

Jack's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do?Two days later, the three get to St Andrews only to find Jack sitting at the R & A bar with four drinks set up!

‘’Wow, Jack, how long have you been here, and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?"

‘’Well, I've been here since last night. Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my living-room chair and my wife came up behind me, put her hands over my eyes and asked, ‘’Guess who?" I pulled her hands off, and there she was, wearing a transparent nightie.

‘’She took my hand and pulled me into our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over the bed.

Well... she has been reading ‘50 Shades of Grey’......

On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did.’’

And then she said, "Do whatever you want."

‘’So --- here I am!’’

To Be 8 again !

I was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching my wife, Vicky who was looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not  far off I asked what she'd like to have for her birthday.

'I'd like to be eight again', she replied, still looking in the mirror .

On the morning of her Birthday, I arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her to Adventure World theme park. What a day! I put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.

Five hours later we staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. I then took her to a McDonald's and ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favourite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!


Finally she wobbled home and collapsed into bed exhausted.


I leaned over my wife & with a big smile lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being eight again?
  
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.

'I meant my dress size, you FUCKING idiot!!!!'


The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.

Wives Love their Husbands !

A group of women were at a seminar on “How to live in a loving relationship with your husband”. 

The women were asked, "How many of you love your husband?"

All the women raised their hands.

"When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?"
 
Some women answered today, a few yesterday and some couldn't remember.

The women were then told to text their husband: "I love you, sweetheart."

The women were then told to exchange phones with another person, and to read aloud the text
message they received, in response.

Here are some of the replies:
1. Who the hell is this?
2. Are you sick or what?
3. Love you too. What's up with you??
4. What now? Have you crashed the car again?
5. I don't understand what you mean?
6. What the f**k did you do now?
7. You're kidding me?
8. Don't bullshit me. How much do you need.
9. Are you for real?
10. If you don't tell me who this message is really for, someone will pay!
11. I thought we agreed you wouldn't drink during the day.
12. Your mother’s coming to stay with us, isn't she?

Americans Girls should Marry fellow Americans !

Women - Avoid Girls Nightouts !

Why women should avoid girls' night out once they are married !!


"The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.' I told my husband that I would be home bymidnight, 'I promise!' 

Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3 a..m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times. 

Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him.
(Even when totally smashed.... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals = 12 cuckoosMIDNIGHT!)

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him 'MIDNIGHT'... he didn't seem pissed off in the least. 

Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said 'We need a new cuckoo clock.'

When I asked him why, he said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said 'oh shit.' Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted."

Tips to Calm down your Husband !

I HEAR THIS IS A VERY GOOD CURE: MOST OF YOU WOULDN'T KNOW .

A woman went to the Doctor, worried about her husband's temper. The Doctor asked: "What's the problem?" ...

The woman said: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me." 

The Doctor replied: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down." 

Two weeks later the woman came back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn. 

She told him: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?" 

The Doctor smiled: "The water itself does nothing. It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick."

My Wife !

We had a power outage at our house this morning....

My PC, laptop, TV, DVD, i Pad & my new surround sound music system were all shut down.

Then I discovered that my iPhone battery was flat and to top it off it was raining outside, so I couldn't play golf.

I went into the kitchen to make coffee and then I remembered that this also needs power, so I sat and talked with my wife for a few hours.
 

She seems like a nice person..
 

Why do Brides Wear White Dresses ?

A son asked his mother the following question: 
'Mom, why are wedding dresses white? ' 

The mother looks at her son and replies:
'Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure.'
 
The son thanks his Mom and goes off to double-check this with his father.
'Dad why are wedding dresses white?'
 
The father looks at his son in surprise and says:

'Son, all household appliances come in white.'

The husband is still in intensive care and the prognosis is not good!!!

Joke on Poor Man by Rich Man !

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.
The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.

"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on greens' fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.

"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf and sex."

The Milk Man !

A milkman dying in hospital is surrounded by his two sons, daughter, his wife and the nurse.

He says to his eldest son, "To you Peter, I leave the Beverly houses."

To his daughter, "My pretty Rose, to you I leave the apartments in the Los Angeles Plaza."

"And Charlie, you being my youngest son, I leave you the City Center offices".

And to his wife, "Darling, you get the three residential towers downtown."

The wide-eyed nurse, obviously impressed, tells his wife, "Madam, your husband is very rich! And what's great is he is bequeathing all his properties to his family. You are all so lucky!!"

The wife retorts,"Rich??? Lucky??? Are you kidding me!!?? Those are the routes where he delivers milk!!"

No Laughing matter

This would be an acceptable reason to laugh at a funeral... A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate funeral by the hospital he worked for most of his life...

A huge heart... covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service as all the doctors from the hospital sat in awe. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners just burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, 'I'm so sorry... I was just thinking of my own funeral...I'm a gynecologist!'

The priest fainted.

Blond Mortician Joke

A man who'd just died is delivered to a local  mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored  black suit.

The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. 

She gives the blonde mortician a blank cheque and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing."

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly...

She says to  the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'

To her astonishment, the blonde  mortician presents her with the blank cheque. 'There's no charge,' she says.

'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' the widow says.

'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about

your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'

So the widow asked: “Did you switch the two suits?”

Mortician replied: “No, I just switched the two heads.”

(BET YOU DIDN'T  SEE THAT COMING!!!)

Couple Aging Together

The old couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, 'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting at this same breakfast table together.'

'I know,' the old man said. 'We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird, too .' 'Well,' Granny snickered. 'Let's relive some old times.'

Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat back down at the table. 'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly replied, 'My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.'

'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps. 'One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal.'

The Male Cycle and Selecting a Wife

When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits.

When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional.
Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition. 

When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am older and wiser now, and I am looking for a girl with big tits.

Few Funnies - Short Jokes - what women think of men

 when girls agree, call, ask, care, understand, sweet, missing, interfering, possessive, love

The breathtaking view of milky way from mars

 Door Bell broken? Here is repair tips !

Policeman: " How high are you ?"
Me: "No officer. It's Hi, how are you ?"

Female Logic - always wrong !

For Sale: A Wedding Dress, Size 8. Once worn by Mistake.

Every Wife Is A ' Mistress" For Her Husband.
"Miss" For One Hour & "Stress" For the Rest 23 Hours..!.

There Are Two Times When A Man Doesn't Understand: A Woman - Before Marriage And After Marriage.

My Husband And I Divorced Over Religious Differences.
He Thought He Was God, And I Didn't.

Marriage Is Like A Public Toilet
Those Waiting Outside Are Desperate To Get In
& Those Inside Are Desperate To Come Out.

Why Were Hurricanes Usually Named After Women?
Because When They Arrive, They're Wet And Wild,
But when They Go, They Take Your House And Car..

Text Messaging
Husband Sends The Following Message To His Wife:
My Love,
If You're Sleeping, Send Me Your Dreams.
If You're Smiling, Send Me Your Smile.
If You're Crying, Send Me Your Tears.
I Love You.
Wife Texed Back :
I'm In The Toilet,
What Should I Send You? 

 
Whiskey Is A Brilliant Invention.
One Double And You Start Feeling Single Again

Ten Commandments of Marriage !

Commandment 1
Marriages are made in heaven.
But then again, so is thunder and lightning. 

Commandment 2 
If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep. 

Commandment 3 
Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least a 100 grand! 

Commandment 4 
Married life is very frustrating.
In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen. 
 

Commandment 5 
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: Either the car is new or the wife is. 

Commandment 6
Marriage is when a man and woman become as one;
The trouble starts when they try to decide which one. 

Commandment 7 
Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you said .  After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish. 

Commandment 8
Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife. 

Commandment 9
Marriage and love are purely a matter of chemistry.
That is why one treats the other like toxic waste. 

Commandment 10 
A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished. 

BONUS STORY
A long married couple came upon a wishing well. The wife leaned over, made a wish and threw in a coin
The husband decided to make a wish too. But he leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned.
The wife was stunned for a moment, but then smiled, 'It really works!'