Santa Banta Joke !

Banta Singh walks into a bar in London , orders 3 glasses of beer and sits in the backyard of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.

When he finishes, he comes back to the bar counter and orders 3 more. The bartender asks him, "You know, beer goes flat after I fill it in the glass; it would taste better if you buy one at a time."

Banta Singh replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Dubai , the other in Canada and I'm here in London . When they left home, we promised that we'll drink this way to remember the days when we drank together."

The bartender admits this is a nice custom and leaves it there.
Banta Singh became a regular in the bar and would always drink the same way. He'd order 3 Beers and drink them in turn.

One day, he came in and ordered only 2 Beers. All the other regulars notice and fall silent.

When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bar tender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my sincere condolences on your great loss."

Banta Singh looked confused for a moment, and then he laughs.... "Oh, no," He said, "Everyone's fine; both my brothers are alive. The only thing is ......

I have quit drinking"!!!!

The funny Foot Ball Team from England !

Why I want a Divorce

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"
She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.

"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"
"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."

He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"
"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."

"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"
"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"
"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me...

Boss and Secretary

Boss hired a sexy secretary.
 

10 days later he committed suicide by jumping from his 27th floor office.


Police: Who was there at that time in the room?

Secretary: I was there.

Police: What happened? Why did he commit suicide?

Secretary: He was a good man. One day he bought me a fur coat for $ 20000 then he bought me a diamond necklace for $150000 then he bought me a diamond ring for $50000.
Today he asked me to spend the night with him. I told him I charge just $100 a night....and he just went to the window and jumped !

Moral:
Investments are subject to market risk.Check the market before you invest/indulge.

Lawyer Eats Grass?

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the road-side eating grass.

Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?" 

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."

 "Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."

"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.

Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us, also."

The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me !"

"Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.

Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

 
The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high"

Cricket Joke for Cricketing Nations !

Thanks to my Indian Buddies for the joke !!

I was watching IPL match with my wife on the TV together. After five minutes:

Wife: Is that Bret Lee

Me : No. He is Chris Gayle. Bret Lee is the bowler.

Wife: Bret Lee is smart. He should be in the movies like his brother.

Me: He does not have an actor brother

Wife: What about Bruce Lee

Me: No no, Bret Lee is an Australian

Wife: OK. Look. Another wicket in just two minutes.

Me: No. It is called action replay.

Wife: Looks like India is going to win this one.

Me: It is not India. It is Bangalore vs Kolkatta

Wife: Why is the umpire calling for a helicopter.

Me: He is not calling for a helicopter. It’s a free hit.

Wife: Did the spectators not pay for the tickets? Why is it a ‘ free’ hit?

Wife: Now whom is he saying ‘HI’ to?

Me : He is signalling a ‘Bye’.

Wife: Why is he saying ‘Bye’. Is the game over?

Wife: How many runs to win?

Me : 72 in 36 balls

Wife: Ah. That is easy. Just 2 runs in 1 ball

I Just turned off the TV .

Wife turns it on and watches ‘Balika Badhu’

Me: Who is this Anandi?

Wife: Tumhari Maa. Don’t you dare disturb me!!

My Wife !

We had a power outage at our house this morning....

My PC, laptop, TV, DVD, i Pad & my new surround sound music system were all shut down.

Then I discovered that my iPhone battery was flat and to top it off it was raining outside, so I couldn't play golf.

I went into the kitchen to make coffee and then I remembered that this also needs power, so I sat and talked with my wife for a few hours.
 

She seems like a nice person..
 

Funny Chinese Hotel Brochure !

A friend went to Beijing recently and was given this brochure by the hotel. It is precious.
She is keeping it and reading it whenever she feels depressed.
Obviously, it has been translated directly, word for word from Mandarin to English.

 
Getting There: 
Our representative will make you wait at the airport. The bus to the hotel runs along the lake shore. Soon you will feel pleasure in passing water. You will know that you are getting near the hotel, because you will go round the bend. The manager will await you in the entrance hall. He always tries to have intercourse with all new guests. 
  
The Hotel: 
This is a family hotel, so children are very welcome. We of course are always pleased to accept adultery. Highly skilled nurses are available in the evenings to put down your children. Guests are invited to conjugate in the bar and expose themselves to others. But please note that ladies are not allowed to have babies in the bar. We organize social games, so no guest is ever left alone to play with them self. 
  
The Restaurant: 
Our menus have been carefully chosen to be ordinary and unexciting. At dinner, our quartet will circulate from table to table, and fiddle with you. 
  
Your Room: 
Every room has excellent facilities for your private parts. In winter, every room is on heat. Each room has a balcony offering views of outstanding obscenity! .. You will not be disturbed by traffic noise, since the road between the hotel and the lake is used only by pederasts. 
  
Bed: 
Your bed has been made in accordance with local tradition. If you have any other ideas please ring for the chambermaid. Please take advantage of her. She will be very pleased to squash your shirts, blouses and underwear. If asked, she will also squeeze your trousers. 
  
Above All: 
When you leave us at the end of your holiday, you will have no hope. You will struggle to forget it.

Things to Worry Today !

Ain't this true and funny?

When Text Messages go wrong !

Husband’s Message (by cellphone): 

Honey, a car has hit me out of the office. Paula brought me to the Hospital. They have been making tests and taking X-rays. 

The blow to my head has been very strong, fortunately it seems that did not cause any serious injury, but I have three broken ribs, a compound fracture in the left leg, and they may have to amputate the right foot.

 
Wife’s Response:

Who is Paula?

Why do Brides Wear White Dresses ?

A son asked his mother the following question: 
'Mom, why are wedding dresses white? ' 

The mother looks at her son and replies:
'Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure.'
 
The son thanks his Mom and goes off to double-check this with his father.
'Dad why are wedding dresses white?'
 
The father looks at his son in surprise and says:

'Son, all household appliances come in white.'

The husband is still in intensive care and the prognosis is not good!!!

Not for Kids Books !

Will you seriously buy these books for kids?

Jokes for Intellectuals !

Nymphomaniac Convention

A man boarded an aircraft at London 's Heathrow Airport for New York , and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane.
He realised she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo — she took the seat right beside him.

"Hello", he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"

She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States ..."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded,” I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.."

"Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?"

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.
Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent.
We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish."

Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said. "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name!"

"Tonto," the man said. "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy."

Fuck you Employer !

Click on Image below to read - Super funny mail from employee to employer !

The Drunk and the Priest !

A drunken man who smelled of beer sat down in an underground train, next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick and  a half empty bottle of GIN was sticking out of his coat pocket.  He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, “Father what causes Arthritis”??

The priest replies, “My son, its caused by loose living. Being with cheap and wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath”.

In response the drunk muttered,"I’m damned"and then returned to his newspaper. 

The priest thinking about what he has said, nudged the man and Apologised.  “I'm very sorry.  I didn't mean to come on you so strong.  How long have you had Arthritis??"

And the drunk man replied “I don't have it father. I was just reading that the POPE has”.