Newtons forgotten Laws !!

Ten Laws Newton Forgot To State.

1. LAW OF QUEUE

If you change queues, the one you have left will start to move faster than the one you are in now.

2. LAW OF TELEPHONE

When you dial a wrong number, you never get an engaged tone.

 3. LAW OF MECHANICAL REPAIR

After your hands become coated with
Grease, your nose will begin to itch.

4. LAW OF THE WORKSHOP

Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

5. LAW OF THE ALIBI

 

If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire.

6. BATH THEOREM 

When the body is immersed in water, the telephone rings.

7. LAW OF ENCOUNTERS

The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen
With.

8. LAW OF THE RESULT

When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will!

9. LAW OF BIOMECHANICS

The severity of the itch is inversely
Proportional to the reach.

10. LAW OF COFFEE

As soon as you sit down for a cup of hot coffee,your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

How can Newton the greatest inventor of our times be left behind.

NEWTON STRIKES BACK WITH LAW NO 11.

THE LAW OF MOTION.

LOOSE MOTION CANNOT BE DONE IN SLOW MOTION!!!

The funny Arrest !!

Math teacher arrested at JFK airport is suspected of belonging to secret terror society  !!!


A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, an ancient wooden device called a “slide-rule” and a calculator.


At a morning press conference, Attorney General Eric Holder said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

“Al-Gebra is a problem for us,” the Attorney General said. “Al-Gebra has terrorized many young people for years. They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values. They use secret code names like ‘X’ and ‘Y’ and refer to themselves as ‘unknowns,’ but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.”


As the Greek philosopher Isosceles used to say, “There are 3 sides to every triangle.'” When asked to comment on the arrest, President Obama said, “If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, he would have given us more fingers and toes.”


White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the President.

It is believed that another Nobel Prize will follow.

To Be 8 again !

I was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching my wife, Vicky who was looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not  far off I asked what she'd like to have for her birthday.

'I'd like to be eight again', she replied, still looking in the mirror .

On the morning of her Birthday, I arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her to Adventure World theme park. What a day! I put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.

Five hours later we staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. I then took her to a McDonald's and ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favourite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!


Finally she wobbled home and collapsed into bed exhausted.


I leaned over my wife & with a big smile lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being eight again?
  
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.

'I meant my dress size, you FUCKING idiot!!!!'


The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.

Wives Love their Husbands !

A group of women were at a seminar on “How to live in a loving relationship with your husband”. 

The women were asked, "How many of you love your husband?"

All the women raised their hands.

"When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?"
 
Some women answered today, a few yesterday and some couldn't remember.

The women were then told to text their husband: "I love you, sweetheart."

The women were then told to exchange phones with another person, and to read aloud the text
message they received, in response.

Here are some of the replies:
1. Who the hell is this?
2. Are you sick or what?
3. Love you too. What's up with you??
4. What now? Have you crashed the car again?
5. I don't understand what you mean?
6. What the f**k did you do now?
7. You're kidding me?
8. Don't bullshit me. How much do you need.
9. Are you for real?
10. If you don't tell me who this message is really for, someone will pay!
11. I thought we agreed you wouldn't drink during the day.
12. Your mother’s coming to stay with us, isn't she?

PROSTATE PROBLEMS!!!

NO WONDER SO MANY OLDER GUYS RECKON THEY HAVE
PROSTATE PROBLEMS!!!

An old guy goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the Urologist as a precaution.
 
When he gets there, he discovers the Urologist is a very pretty female doctor.

The female doctor says,"I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to.

I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say,  '99'.

The old guy obeys and says, "99".
 

The doctor says, "Great", now turn over on your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say, '99".
 

Again, the old guy says, ''99'."

The doctor said, “Very good”. Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly.
 

I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your penis  to keep it out of the way. 

Now take a deep breath and say, '99'.

The old guy begins,
"One....
  two…
  three…"

You don't stop laughing because you grow old.
You grow old because you stop laughing!

Americans Girls should Marry fellow Americans !

Women - Avoid Girls Nightouts !

Why women should avoid girls' night out once they are married !!


"The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.' I told my husband that I would be home bymidnight, 'I promise!' 

Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3 a..m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times. 

Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him.
(Even when totally smashed.... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals = 12 cuckoosMIDNIGHT!)

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him 'MIDNIGHT'... he didn't seem pissed off in the least. 

Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said 'We need a new cuckoo clock.'

When I asked him why, he said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said 'oh shit.' Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted."

Doctors are Jokers !

Following are some of the actual sentences found in doctors notes. Enjoy !

20 Things to Stare At

1) When someone says "Have a nice day!" stare at them and say, "Don't tell me what to do!"
2) Look up and stare at nothing... then see how many people try to see what you are staring at.
3) Stare at someone and see how long it takes them to notice you.
4) Stare at someone till they awkwardly look away.
5) Point and stare at the ceiling and see how many people look up.
6) See how long you can stare at someone without them knowing.
7) Stare at the person beside you until they notice.
8) Stare at somebody until they leave the room.
9) Stare at someone's chin until they wonder what is on their face.
10) Stare at everyone you see and when they look at you say "what are you looking at?".

11) Stare at someone until they notice and begin to freak.
12) Stare at something in the sky and say "wow look at that!" and watch everyone try to see what you see.
13) Stare at a random person making the weirdest face you can possibly think of.
14) While in the car, stare at the person in the car next to you. When they look back, lick the window.
15) Wear a snorkel while driving and stare at the people sitting next to you at traffic lights.
16) When in an elevator with only one other person,stare at them and breathe heavily.
17) When talking to a person stare at their forehead until they start freaking out.

18) Go to Walmart and hide in the freezers and just stare at people when they pass.
19) Stare at a random person for a few minutes, then grin and say, "I'm wearing new socks today."
20) Point and stare at the sky. "Never seen that before." And see how many people look!

Tips to Calm down your Husband !

I HEAR THIS IS A VERY GOOD CURE: MOST OF YOU WOULDN'T KNOW .

A woman went to the Doctor, worried about her husband's temper. The Doctor asked: "What's the problem?" ...

The woman said: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me." 

The Doctor replied: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down." 

Two weeks later the woman came back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn. 

She told him: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?" 

The Doctor smiled: "The water itself does nothing. It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick."

How to Pick a Hooker !

Stacy is a lazy sexy blond who went to her friend Jones, a fellow blond and asked how she could make a easy living. Jones was a hooker who enjoyed her job and the money she gets.  So they decide that best job for Stacy was to become a hooker.

She's not quite sure what to do, so Jones says, 'Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him a hundred bucks. If you've got a question, I'll be parked around the corner.'

She's out there five minutes when a guy pulls up and asks, 'How much?'

She says, 'A hundred dollars'.
He says, 'Shit. All I've got is thirty'.
She says, 'Hold on.'

She runs back to Jones and says, 'What can he get for thirty dollars?' Jones says, 'A hand job'.

She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty dollars is a hand job.
He says, 'Okay'.

She gets in the car; he unzips his pants and out pops a simply HUGE male unit. She stares at it for a minute, and then says, 'I'll be right back.'

She runs back around the corner and says breathlessly, 'Jones, can you lend this guy seventy bucks?'

Special Guitar For Ladies !

Be it Rock, Pop, Rap or any other Genre of Music, in the forefront is the Guitar as one of the most valuable instruments.... But, then again, Why that shape and how would the ones from the fairer sex play it?? Most importantly for those who wish to be in rock bands and show off their curves !!!

Justin Bieber injured cliff diving ?

Well, sad that it is the ear drums he busted and not his Ass.. Well then again, his ass was busted many times so WTF ?

Well, it is something similar to the following story !!

Ed came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber. He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, Ed.'

Ed was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!'

St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.'

Ed was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking and pecking the ground.. A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?'

'Not bad,' replied Ed the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!'

'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?'

'Never,' said Ed.

'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal.'
He did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! He was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming.. As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard.....


"Ed, wake up! You're shitting on the bed!"

Getting OLD just isn't what they said it would be!

High School Fun !

Actual analogies used by High school students in English Essays. This is really funny and hats off to the stupidity or creativity of the kids.

Funny Question Paper Answers

The following questions were in last year's GED examination
(These are genuine answers).

Q. What is a turbine?
A.. Something an Arab or Sheik wears on his head. Once an Arab boy reaches puberty, he removes his diaper and wraps it around his head.

Q. How is dew formed.
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.


Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A.. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed.

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A.. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.

Q. What are steroids?
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs .
(Shoot yourself now , there is little hope)

Q... What happens to your body as you age
A.. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A.. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
(So true)

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A.. Premature death.

Q. What is artificial insemination?
A.. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour?
A.. Keep it in the cow.
(Simple, but brilliant)

Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen)?
A.. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity.� The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A,E,I,O,U (WTF)

Q. What is the fibula?
A.. A small lie.

Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A.. Nearby.

Q. What is the most common form of birth control?
A.. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.
(That would work)

Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
A.. The caesarean section is a district in Rome.

Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor.�
(Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)

Q. What is a terminal illness?
A. When you are sick at the airport.
(Irrefutable)

Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A.. Benign is what you will be after you be eight
(brilliant)

Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

They now live amongst us, I guess.
Cheers........................................