Childrens Storey Books

Guess what would happen if your kiddo starts reading these !!!
(funny children's story book titles)

Sex is............................

Sex is.......:

"Duty", if done with your Wife

"Art", if done with your Lover

"Education", if done with a Virgin

"Business", if done with a Prostitute

"Social Work", if done with a Divorcee

"Charity", if done with a Widow &

"Sacrifice", if done with your own Hand

A little girl runs out to the backyard where her father is working, and asks him, "Daddy, what's Sex?".

"OK," he thinks, "this day was bound to come, and I'm not going to let my little princess learn about sex from the streets."

So, he sits her down, and tells her all about the birds and the bees.

He tells her about conception, sexual intercourse, sperms and eggs. He tells her about puberty, menstruation, erections, wet dreams.

Then she asks, "Daddy, what is 'A Couple'?"

And he carries on, "A couple are the two people involved in sex, but this can also be two males or two females which we call homosexual," and he goes on to describe masturbation, oral sex, group sex, pornography, bondage and rape, pedophilia, etc....

The father finally asks, "So why did you want to know about 'a couple' and 'Sex'?"

"Oh, mummy said lunch would be ready in a couple of secs..."

Husband and Wife at the Zoo

A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo. She was wearing a loose-fitting pink dress, sleeveless with straps. He was wearing his usual jeans and t-shirt.  

As they walked through the ape exhibit, they passed in front of a large, silverback gorilla. Noticing the wife, the gorilla immediately went crazy.  

He jumped on the bars and, holding on with one hand and 2 feet, he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand. He was obviously very excited by the pretty lady in the pink dress.  

The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny. He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom. She played along and the gorilla got extremely excited, now making noises that would wake the dead.  

Then the husband suggested that she let one of her dress straps fall to show a little more skin. She did ... and the gorilla was about to tear the bars down!  

"Now, show your legs by pulling your dress up," he said. This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy, and he started doing flips and charging the bars!  

Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage, flung her in with the gorilla, slammed the cage door shut and said,

"Now, tell him you have a headache AND U ARE NOT IN THE MOOD TODAY!!

More Funny Stories and Blond Jokes - Internet gaming ha?

 

Your dog's barking at the back door. Your wife's barking at the front.
Who do you let in?

Well, it's your call... but the dog will stop barking when you let him in.

SPEEDING TICKET   A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"    RIVER WALK There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?"   The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."      DOCTOR'S OFFICE A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.   "Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."   The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.   The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?   "Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."   "I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."      KNITTING A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!   Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!"   "NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"      ON THE SUN   A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"   The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"   The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"   The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.  "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian. To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"      FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!   A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.  Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"   "HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered the blond...  "They're watch dogs

Timeless Advice and Faceless Cartoons 4!

Confucius say, " Treat your woman like your vacuum cleaner,

   If she stops sucking, replace the bag."

____________

And more Faceless cartoons and funnies - Click on image to make them larger

 

  

  

 

Sore Throat Treatment and other cartoons !

 

What to do when you got a sore throat? Give a blow Job?  Be careful when instructing a Blonde !!

 

Also reminds that load of things around the house could be used as sex toys 

 

  Poor fellow

  

 Chauffeur driven ? How do we get our financial stability with wives like this ?

The Beautiful Women and Terror Proof Airline

One Airline that you would never have Terrorists on !!

TPA, Terrorist-Proof Airlines, are in the flying business.

Absolutely guarantee

• NO WALK-ON GUNS, 
• KNIVES, 
• BOX CUTTERS, 
• SHOE-BOMBS
• Cloth Bombs

  

A beautiful woman went to the gynecologist. The doctor took one look at the woman and all his professionalism flew out the window. He immediately told her to get undressed.

After she disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. While doing so he asked her,
'Do you know what I am doing?'

'Yes,' she replied, 'You are checking for abrasions or Dermatological abnormalities.'

'That's right,' said the doctor. 

He then began to fondle her Breasts.
'Do you know what I am doing now?' he asked.

'Yes,' she said, 'You are checking for lumps which might indicate Breast cancer.'

'Correct,' replied the shady doctor. Finally, he mounted his equipment on the Patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. 

He asked, 'Do you know what I am doing now?'

'Yes,' she said, 'You're going to catch syphilis: which is why I came here in the first place !!' 

 

  

Blonds and Girls and Husbands....

Failure is not when your girlfriend leaves you, it's only when you leave her a virgin.


 

Tension is when wife is pregnant!
Terror is when girlfriend is pregnant!
Horror is when both are pregnant!
Tragedy is when you are not responsible for both!



Why is sex similar to shaving?
Well, because no matter how well you do it today, tomorrow you have to do it again.


Wives are funny creatures.
They don't have sex with their husbands for weeks and then they want to kill the woman who does.


Wife: My hubby & I have, what he calls-Olympic sex.
Friend: Wow, must be a terrific sex life?
Wife: Not really. It only happens once in 4 years.

The stock markets now are like an old man's dick?
Just refusing to rise, and the irony is that everyone is still getting screwed!

A loud scream comes from the bedroom and the husband runs in.
He sees a guy leaping out of the window.
Wife yells: That guy just screwed me twice!
Husband: Twice? Why didn't you call me in after he screwed you once?
Wife: Because I thought it was you, until he started the second time.


What is the difference between a chicken and a baby?
Chicken is the result of a sitting hen while the baby is the result of standing cock.


If a bomb bursts in a bra, what would you get?
Tit-Bits.
And if it bursts in a man's underwear?
Banana split.


What's the difference between a bomb & a condom?
In a bomb blast, population decreases
BUT in a condom blast, population increases.

A blond walked into a store to buy curtains.

She went up to the salesman and said, "I want those pink curtains to fit my computer screen.

The salesman mentioned, "Computers don't need curtains."

The blond said, "Hellooo !!!!! I have windows!"

Types of Farts !!!!

 

Plain Jane.
One-second duration, nice resonant reverberation, and pungent odor cloud with a nearly instantaneous 5-foot radius. Your standard, everyday, friendly fart.

Beefy One.
Sounds loud and butch, e.g., 'BRAAAMMPPP!' Smells like a cross between a decaying meadow muffin on a hot day and a fresh dog-turd.

Eggy.
Smells very much like rotten eggs (or hydrogen sulfide). A powerful odor which tends to put people off lunch. Often rips out in the fashion of a Bunbuster (see below).

Bunbuster.
'BRAAAP!' Sounds something like a Beefy One, except much more sudden and much more powerful. May smell either eggy or beefy. Leaves your asshole smarting. You really feel these babies.

Ripper. 
Sends seismic ripples to the next town. Rips the seams in the crotch of your pants. This fart genuinely hurts, and you can still feel it 20 minutes later. Anyone sitting nearby may experience hearing loss.

Diesel.
Sputters to a start, but then keeps putt-putting along spewing out an endless cloud of dirty, noxious fumes.
Surprise! You didn't even know that it was there, but suddenly . . . 'BRRMP!'

Gunshot.
Sounds just like a gunshot. Unbelievably loud indoors. Hard to believe that this emanates from between your buttocks. Bullet explodes into billions of virulent odor molecules. Gunshot farts are relatively rare but, like guns, very dangerous.

Squeaky.
Puny and unsatisfying. Sounds a bit like a muffled 'Wheeeek,' but smells foul.

Worrier. 
The kind that seems to be a fart right up to the point at which you release it. At this stage, matters become less sure, as it feels too solid for comfort. You go to the bathroom and check your underpants at the first possible opportunity.

Poopie Prelude. 
It feels like it's going to be a large beefy one, but out comes a tiny little squeaker fart plus the head of something massive. You tense your buttocks fast, lest you give birth to the brown equivalent of a zeppelin.

Present.
The type of fart that seems harmless, but then brings a small poop as a housewarming gift. You shuffle off to the toilet and give thanks you weren't in a business meeting or job interview when it happened. If you were, you're screwed.

Burble. 
Bubbly! Sometimes messy too.

SBD (Silent But Deadly).
Totally inaudible but somehow causes all the occupants in a room to collapse. Smell is undefined because nasal investigators haven't had time to analyze the odor before passing out. (This one is also known as SBL: Silent But Lethal and Toxic Assassin.)

GNL (Gambled 'n' Lost).
You take a gamble that it's going to be a fart and stay where you are, but tragically come to realize that this is much more than a fart... Next big gamble: do you put your underpants in the laundry basket and hope your wife won't notice, do you wash 'em out yourself, or do you throw 'em away?

Hydrated. 
The original wet fart, which leaves a mark on your pants and gives you a cold wet sticky sensation when you walk. Try to avoid this one if you're wearing white trousers.

Not Now Please! 
You feel the presence of a mighty fart but are unable to release it due to your situation (first date, new customer, important business meeting, etc.). You clench your buttocks together so hard you nearly have a stroke, and wait for the pressure to subside. Success depends upon a number of factors, but in the end you're probably going to have to face the music (literally). Or you can try the stealth approach (see below).

Who, Me? 
You let it out as silently as possible and nobody hears it. You discreetly take deep sniffs and smell nothing. You think you got away with it. But 30 seconds later, as if released from a stasis field, everybody starts to cough and splutter. You point to the person next to you and try to look innocent.

Waker-Upper.
The first fart of the morning. All that broccoli, beans, and beer you had for dinner last night has decayed and fermented into about 1,000 ml of noxious gas just dying to escape from your rectum. Whether you let go under the covers when you first wake up or hold it until you're taking your early morning pee, releasing that first fart of the day feels oh, so good and sets the tone for the whole day.

Electrical. 
Sound like they have some juice in them.

Dutch Oven. 
A fart you make in bed -- any kind at all -- followed up by holding your partner's head under the bedclothes so that he/she can get the full effect of it. Good for moving a stalled divorce process along. Very bad early in your marriage.


______________________________________________________



Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other," Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?" "Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techniques: visualization, association, etc. It was great." "That's great! And what was the name of the clinic?" Fred went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?"
"You mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's it!" He turned to his wife, "Rose, what was the name of that memory clinic?" 

Selling Condoms !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 The following diagram illustrates the though process of a Male and a Female before going out partying !

 

 

Now This lady won the mother of the year award 2009 !!

  

This comes from 2 math teachers with a combined total of 70 yrs. experience.
It has an indisputable mathematical logic. It also made me Laugh Out Loud.
This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint...it goes like this: 
 
What Makes 100%?
 
What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?
 
Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been
to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.
 
How about achieving 103%?
 
What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that 
might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K 8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98% 
and
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E 11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96% 

But ,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E 
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100% 
And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T 2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103% 
AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G 1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118% 
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, its the Bullshit  and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top. 

_______________________________________________

Sales lady: Excuse me Sir, this is a non-smoking store.
 
Smoker: But I bought my cigarettes from here.
 
Sales lady: I know.. We sell condoms here and that doesn’t mean you can F#$% us here!

 

The Latest weapons in town !!

 

Click on the pic for a better view of the gal !! - Very Funny !!

 You heard of Kamasuthra Practices of the IT guys ??

  

Mr. Bean is from Out of Space !!

OK - you really need to click on the following pic to read out one of the most hilarious mail chains ever... !!

  

Faceless Cartoons 3

OK - a few more Faceless toons - click on image for the larger / readable version. 

 

  

  

  

  

Judge : "Raj, why were you beaten up in public? what did you do?"


Raj : Sir I am innocent.


Judge : How can you say that?


Raj : "Your honour, I was in crowded bus, my photo fell from wallet,so... I said to lady in front of me, 'Aunty, please lift your Sari, I want to take photo.... then everybody hit me...

Lady and the Vagina !

 

A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door. She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there.
He asks the lady "Do you have a vagina?"
She slams the door in disgust.
The next morning she hears a knock at the door, it is the same man, and he asks the same question of the woman, "do you have a vagina?"
She slams the door again.
Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened in the last two days.
The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice, "Honey, I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again".
The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both run for the door.
The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice, "Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen. If it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to see where he is going with it." She nods yes to her husband, and opens the door.
Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question. "Do you have a vagina?"
Yes" she replies.
The man retorts, "Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours?"

Dave in the Strip Club !!

 

Dave works hard at the plant, puts in a lot of overtime, and then spends most evenings bowling, playing basketball or working out at the gym. His wife, Mary, thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so, for his birthday, she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Dave, how ya doing?"

Mary is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

"Oh no," says Dave. "He works out at the gym with me."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual Budweiser.

Mary is now becoming uncomfortable and says, "You must come here a lot for that woman to know you drink Budweiser."

"No, honey, she's in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with them."

A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Dave. "Hi Davey," she says, "Want your usual table dance?"

Mary, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Dave follows and spots his wife getting into a cab. Before Mary can slam the door, Dave jumps in beside her. Right away she starts screaming at him.

The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave."

_________________________________________

And One from the Royal Palace in Buckingham !

Camilla bought new shoes for her wedding. During the big day they became increasingly tighter as the day went on.
That night, she flopped on the bed and said,"Charles,please remove my shoes,my feet are killing me!" He attacked her right shoe with vigour,but it would not budge.
"Harder!" yelled Camilla, "Harder"."I'm trying, But it's just so bloody tight!" "Come on! Give it all you've got!"Finally, when it released, Charles let out a big groan and Camilla exclaimed, "There! Oh, God, that feels so good!"
In their bedroom next door, the Queen said to Prince Phillip,"See! I told you with a face like that, she had to be a virgin!" Meanwhile, as Charles tried to remove her left shoe, he cried, "Oh, God, darling! This one's even tighter!"
At which Prince Phillip said to the Queen, "That's my boy! He served in the Navy: Once a Rear Admiral, always a Rear Admiral!"