An elderly couple are attending church services. About halfway through, She writes a note and hands it to her husband. It says, " I just let out a silent fart, what do you think I should do?"
He scribbles back, " Put a new battery in your hearing aid."
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A 70-year-old man went to the doctor's for a physical. The doctor ran Some tests and said to the man, "Well, everything seems to be in top Condition physically, but what about mentally? How is your connection With God?"
The man answered, "Oh me and God? We have a really tight bond, he's so good to me. Every night when I have to get up to go to the
Bathroom, he turns on the light for me, and then, when I leave, he
Turns it back off."
The Doctor was astonished. He called the man's wife and said, "I'd
Like to speak to you about your husband's connection with God. He
Claims that every night when he needs to use the restroom, God turns On the light for him and turns it off for him again when he leaves. Is This true?"
She said, "That idiot, he's been peeing in the refrigerator! "
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In an alcohol factory the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire.
A drunkard with ragged, dirty look came to apply for the position. The director of the factory wondered how to send him away.
They tested him.
They gave him a glass with a drink. He tried it and said, "It’s red wine, a Muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers."
"That’s correct", said the boss. Another glass.
"It’s Red wine , cabernet, eight years old, a southwestern slope, oak barrels."
"Correct." The director was astonished.
He winked at his secretary to suggest something. She brought in a glass of urine. The alcoholic tried it.
"It’s a blonde, 26 years old, pregnant in the third month.
And if you don’t give me the job, I’ll tell who the father is!"
In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.
The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.
He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.
Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenage son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.
The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.
Probably wasn't the same elephant.
This is a false story for everyone who sends me those heart-warming bullshit stories.
The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.
And she was upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!'
And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened.'
'Go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'
And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.
I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.
So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.
Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.
Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight.
I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.
I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.'
The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said,
"Please .... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?"
A set of Italian priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy, beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them.
Each priest had a small bell attached to his weenie, and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.
The beautiful model danced before the first candidate with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest, Carlos.
Poor Carlos. As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off, clattering across the ground and laid to rest in nearby foliage.
Embarrassed, Carlos quickly scrambled to where the bell came to rest. He bent over to pick it up...
There is a medical distinction. We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definitions are listed below:
GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the boys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: ''Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?''
BALLS -Is coming home late after a night out with the boys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the arse and having the balls to say: ''You're next, fatty.''
I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically
speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately result in death.
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ADULT A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle. BEAUTY PARLOUR A place where women curl up and dye.
CHICKENS The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead. COMMITTEE A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours. DUST Mud with the juice squeezed out. EGOTIST Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation. HANDKERCHIEF
Cold Storage. INFLATION Cutting money in half without damaging the paper. MOSQUITO An insect that makes you like flies better. RAISIN A grape with a sunburn. SECRET Something you tell to one person at a time. SKELETON A bunch of bones with the person scraped off. TOOTHACHE The pain that drives you to extraction. TOMORROW One of the greatest labour saving devices of today. YAWN An honest opinion openly expressed.
WRINKLES Something other people have, Similar to my character lines.
A man is busy screwing his girlfriend on the railway tracks.
The alert train driver spots the couple miles before and immediately starts honking and starts applying the brakes.
But the couple just ignore it and are happily in the act.
The driver is damn irritated and just stops a few yards away from the loving couple. He jumps down from the engine and rushes towards the man who has just finished and is zipping up his pants.
The driver is so angry, he starts shouting at the irresponsible young man, "You idiot, do you realize that if I had not seen you at the right time, this would have been your last..."
Hold on...," replies the young man, "Listen, you were coming, she was coming and I was coming. But only you had brakes. So chill out"
They really do walk among us, along with us and next to us...........................
You can't make this stuff up!
NEW YORK - resident Kathy Evans brought humiliation to her friends and family when she set a new standard for stupidity with her appearance on the popular TV show, 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire.'
Evans, a 32-year-old wife and mother of two, got stuck on the first question and proceeded to make what fans of the show are dubbing 'the absolute worst use of lifelines ever.' After being introduced to the show's host Meredith Vieira, Evans was posed with a typically easy initial $100 question.
The question was: 'Which of the following is the largest?'
A) A Peanut
B) An Elephant
C) The Moon
D) Hey, who you calling large?
Immediately Mrs Evans was struck with an all consuming panic as she did not readily know the answer. 'Hmm, oh boy, that's a toughie,' said Evans, as Vieira did her level best to hide her disbelief. 'I mean, I'm sure I've heard of some of these things before, but I have no idea how large they would be.'
Evans made the decision to use the first of her three lifelines, the 50/50. Answers A and D were removed, leaving her to decide which was bigger, an elephant or the moon. However, faced with an incredibly easy question, Evans still remained unsure.
'Oh! It removed the two I was leaning towards!' exclaimed Evans... 'Darn I think I better phone a friend.' Mrs.. Evans asked to be connected with her friend Betsy, who is an office assistant..
'Hi Betsy! How are you? This is Kathy! I'm on TV!' said Evans, wasting the first seven seconds of her call. 'Ok, I got an important question. Which of the following is the largest? B, an elephant, or C, the moon. 15 seconds hun.' Betsy quickly replied that the answer was C, the moon.
Evans proceeded to argue with her friend for the remaining ten seconds. 'Betsy, are you sure?' said Evans. 'How sure are you? Duh, that can't be it.'
To everyone's astonishment, the moronic Evans declined to take her friend's advice. 'I just don't know if I can trust Betsy. She's not all that bright. So I think I'd like to ask the audience,' said Evans.
Asked to vote on the correct answer, the audience returned 98% in favor of answer C, 'The Moon.' Having used up all her lifelines, Evans then made the dumbest choice of her life..
'Wow, seems like everybody is against what I'm thinking,' said the too-stupid-to-live Evans. 'But you know, sometimes you just got to go with your gut. So, let's see... I'm going to have to go with B, an elephant... Final answer.'
Evans sat before the dumbfounded audience, the only one waiting with bated breath and was told that she was wrong, and that the answer was in fact, C, 'The Moon.'
Caution...they walk among us This one is equally unbelievable. (No comments needed!)They Walk Among Us!
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Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: 'Free to good home. You want it, you take it...'For three days the fridge sat there without anyone looking twice. He eventually decided that people were too mistrustful of this deal.
So he changed the sign to read: 'Fridge for sale $50.'
The next day someone stole it!
They walk amongst us!
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I stopped at Mc Donald's and ordered some fries.
The girl behind the counter said "would you like some fries with that?"
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One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when someone shouted.... 'Look at that dead bird!'
Someone looked up at the sky and said...'where?'
They walk among us!
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While looking at a house, my brother asked the estate agent which direction was north because he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning.
She asked, 'Does the sun rise in the north?'
My brother explained that the sun rises in the east and has for sometime. She shook her head and said, 'Oh, I don't keep up with all that stuff.......'
They Walk Among Us!
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My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard an admin girl talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the beach. She drove down in a convertible, but said she 'didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving'.
They Walk Among Us!
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My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car which is designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the car trunk.
They Walk Among Us!
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I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, 'Ouch! The chain must rip out every time she turns her head!"
I had to explain that a person's nose and earremain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned....
They Walk Among Us !
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I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area and went to the lost luggage office and reported the loss. The woman there smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and said I was in good hands. 'Now,' she asked me, 'Has your plane arrived yet?'....
(I work with professionals like this.)
They Walk Among Us!
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While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time then said 'Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.
The Canadian-born actor, who starred in dozens of comedic and dramatic roles over his 60-year career in film and television, died at a hospital near his Fort Lauder-dale home after a battle with pneumonia.
Nielsen was known for his deadpan, slap-stick comedy in a number of police and detective spoofs, most notably three "Naked Gun" films. Here, we look at some of Nielsen's greatest lines & Quotes:
"Wrongfully Accused" (1998), as Detective Ryan Harrison
Ryan Harrison: Your dog sure has a surprised look on his face. Lauren: That's because you're looking at his butt. Ryan Harrison: Uh, then he's certainly not going to enjoy that treat I just fed to him.
--- Ryan Harrison: Your lies are like bananas. They come in big yellow bunches.
--- Ryan Harrison: Women and me are like water and fire: wet and flammable.
"Spy Hard" (1996), as Dick Steele, Agent WD-40
Dick Steele, Agent WD-40: Operator, get me Washington. Operator: George? Dick Steele, Agent WD-40: D.C.
Veronique Ukrinsky, Agent 3.14: Have a nice flight, and I wish you adieux. Dick Steele, Agent WD-40: Thank you, but I am quite satisfied with the do I have.
"Dracula, Dead and Loving It" (1995) as Count Dracula
Lover at Picnic: Would you care for some wine? Dracula: I never drink wine ... oh, what the hell. Let me try it.
"Naked Gun 33 1/3: The Final Insult" (1994) as Lt. Frank Drebin
Lt. Frank Drebin: Like a midget at a urinal, I was going to have to stay on my toes.
--- Lt. Frank Drebin: Cheer up, Ed. This is not goodbye. It's just I won't ever see you again.
--- Lt. Frank Drebin: Well ... We shot a lot of people together. It's been great. But today I retire, so if I do any shooting now, it'll have to be within the confines of my own home. Hopefully, an intruder and not an in-law, like at my bachelor party.
"The Naked Gun 2½: The Smell of Fear" (1991) as Lt. Frank Drebin
Lt. Frank Drebin: Oh, it's all right. I'm sure that we can handle this situation maturely, just like the responsible adults that we are. Isn't that right, Mr. ... Poopy Pants?
--- Lt. Frank Drebin: Looks like the cows have come home to roost.
--- Quentin Hapsburg: I don't recall your name on the guest list. Lt. Frank Drebin: That's OK. I sometimes go by my maiden name.
--- Lt. Frank Drebin: [describing Jane; voice-over] I couldn't believe it was her. It was like a dream. But there she was, just as I remembered her. That delicately beautiful face. And a body that could melt a cheese sandwich from across the room. And breasts that seemed to say ... "Hey! Look at these!" She was the kind of woman who made you want to drop to your knees and thank God you were a man! She reminded me of my mother, all right. No doubt about it. Ed Hocken: Frank, snap out of it! You're looking at her like she was your mother for Christ's sake!
"The Naked Gun: From the Files of Police Squad!" (1988) as Lt. Frank Drebin
Lt. Frank Drebin: Jane, since I've met you, I've noticed things that I never knew were there before... birds singing, dew glistening on a newly formed leaf, stoplights.
--- Lt. Frank Drebin: Protecting the queen's safety is a task that is gladly accepted by Police Squad. No matter how silly the idea of having a queen might be to us, as Americans, we must be gracious and considerate hosts.
--- Jane: How about a rain check? Lt. Frank Drebin: Well, let's just stick to dinner.
--- Lt. Frank Drebin: [narrating as he walks through town] The attempt on Nordberg's life left me shaken and disturbed, and all the questions kept coming up over and over again, like bubbles in a case of club soda. Who was this character in the hospital? And why was he trying to kill Nordberg? And for whom? Did Ludwig lie to me? I didn't have any proof, but somehow, I didn't entirely trust him either. Why was the 'I Luv You' not listed in Ludwig's records? And if it was, did he know about it? And if he didn't, who did? And where the hell was I?
"Airplane!" (1980) as Dr. Rumack
Rumack: The life of everyone on board depends upon just one thing: finding someone back there who can not only fly this plane, but who didn't have fish for dinner.
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Rumack: Can you fly this plane, and land it? Ted Striker: Surely you can't be serious. Rumack: I am serious ... and don't call me Shirley.
Rumack: You'd better tell the captain we've got to land as soon as we can. This woman has to be gotten to a hospital. Elaine Dickinson: A hospital? What is it? Rumack: It's a big building with patients, but that's not important right now.
