Mitt Romney the Looser !!

First of all - Congradulations Mr. Barak Obama on winning the second term. Great News for the whole world and Thank you America for making it happen !!

This is simply good,I hope Obama follows it up.

The night before the election, Mitt Romney was very confident & told his wife Ann "this time tomorrow night, you'll be sleeping with the President of the United States". After Mitt's concession speech, they headed to bed. Ann was getting undressed when she asked, "so how does this work? Is Barack coming over here or I'm I supposed to go over there?

And - never fuck with Sesame Street !!

A man was dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there was a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket towards the man.

He reflexively reached out, grabbed it out of the air, and handed it back.

'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman said, as she popped her eye back in place. 'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.'

They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they went to the theater followed by drinks... They talked, they laughed, she shared her deepest dreams and he shared his. She listened to him with interest.

After paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy was amazed. Everything had been so incredible!

'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman.. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'

'No,' she replies. 

Then She says..................... 

Wait for it ... ....

It's coming ..... ....

The suspense is killing you, isn't it?

She said ... ...: 'You just happened to catch my eye.'

Crazy One Liners !

In life, never look down on anybody, unless you are getting a lovely view of the Cleavage !

Whenever you see a woman and an opportunity don't screw the opportunity !

Define contraceptive pill ?
It's the second best thing that a women can keep in her mouth to avoid Pregnancy.

What is the similarity between doing sex and doing surgery?
Skill is more important than the instrument...

The saddest part of a Man's body is his Balls. The Lord Almighty sentenced Them to : Hang Till Death !

A football team loses their star player, Roger Dicks, due to an injury.
Next day a headline reads: Team to play without Dicks.
The manager calls up the newspaper and objects, so the editor changes the Headline. 
It reads: Team to play with Dicks out.

What is the definition of a Lesbian?
Yet another Damn Woman trying to do a Man's job !!

On a NUDE beach a man shakes hand with a lady and says: Pleased to meet  you!
Lady: Yeah, I can SEE that.

Today's generation: Six year old boy to a four year old boy: Dude, I found a Condom in the balcony.
Four year old boy: What's a balcony ?

What advice does the doctor give to sick prostitutes?
Stay out of BED for two days.

Three old men were sitting around complaining about how much their hands Shook.
The first geezer said, "My hands shake so bad that when I shaved this morning I cut my face!"
The second old fogy one-upped him. "My hands shake so bad that when I trimmed my garden yesterday I sliced all my flowers!"
The third old man laughed and said, "That's nothing. My hands shake so bad that when I took a piss yesterday, I came three times."  

A loud scream comes from the bedroom and the husband runs in. He sees a guy leaping out of the window.
Wife yells: That guy just screwed me twice !
Husband: Twice? Why didn't you call me in after he screwed you once ?
Wife: Because I thought it was you, until he started the second time.

Prostitute: Hi, want to have sex ?
Sam : Ok. Only if you do it like my wife does.
Prostitute: I can do it in any way. So how does she do it ?
Sam : She does it for free.

Doctor:  Your  knees all blistered?
Lady: Coz of doggy style !
Doctor: Can't you do it any other style?
Lady: Oh, I can, but the dog can't ! 

Hotel Service and Maintenance Joke !

 

 

 

A Husband frantically calls Hotel Maintenance and Engineering Division from his hotel room.

Husband yells " Please come fast I'm having an argument with my wife and she says she will jump out the window of your hotel ".

The Maintenance Engineer responded, " Sir that's a personal matter. I am sorry, but, we are not in a position to get involved in personal matters. It is not allowed as per our service agreements"

Husband Yells Back " Idiot, the fucking window won't open ! That's a Maintenance Matter ! 

 

Army Joke

“ PRIVATE WILLIAMS…….”        

Sergeant Jones was doing a drill one morning when a letter was given to him. Sergeant stood up and shouted, "PRIVATE WILLIAMS STAND UP!.....YOUR MOTHER HAS DIED!" Private Williams immediately bawled into tears and fainted.

Sergeant Smith told Sergeant Jones, "You should have broken the news to him nicer....he wouldn't have been so upset." Two months had passed, Sergeant Jones was running another drill and he received another letter which stated that Private Williams' father had died, and then he thought for a minute and then shouted, "EVERYONE WHOSE FATHER IS ALIVE, TAKE ONE STEP FORWARD" and so they did, and then Sergeant Jones shouted,

"PRIVATE WILLIAMS... WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING?!"

 

Illegal Drugs found in Ranch

A DEA (Drug Enforcement Agency) officer stopped at a ranch in Texas, and talked with an old rancher. 
He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."

The rancher said, "Okay, but don't go in that field over there.....," as he pointed out the location.        

The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!"     

Reaching into his rear pants pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher.        

"See this fucking badge?!  This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land !! No questions asked or answers given!!  Have I made myself clear......do you understand ?!!"  

The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores.     

A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull......

With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety.  The officer was clearly terrified.

The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs.....                        

(I just love this part....)             

"Your badge, show him your fucking BADGE........ ! !"

How to select your future Wife !

Some Marriage Humor again. This time, it's on how to choose your wife. What are the criteria and where do we head after marriage !!

You will realize that !

Here's the story !

And the starching reality !!

Funny Pictures !

Some pics I got from a board on Pinit. Re-pin if you think this is funny. Also, click on image for a larger picture.... the larger the picture, funnier it is !!