Embarrassing Medical Appointments

1. A man comes into the ER and yells. . .

'My wife's going to have her baby in the cab.'

I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress and began

to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs .

. and I was in the wrong one.

Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald,

San Francisco

2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and

slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.

'Big breaths,'. . . I instructed. 'Yes, they used to be,'. . . replied the

patient.

Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes,

Seattle, WASHINGTON

3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her

husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct.

Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the

family that he had died of a 'massive internal fart.'

Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg

4. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, 'How long

have you been bedridden?'

After a look of complete confusion she answered . . . ' Why, not for about

twenty years - when my husband was alive.'

Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson-

Corvallis, OREGON

5. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple

hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and

wearing strange clothing, entered..... It was quickly determined that the

patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate

surgery... When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the

staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green and above it there was

a tattoo that read . .. .' Keep off the grass.'

Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the

patient's dressing, which said 'Sorry . . . had to mow the lawn.'

Submitted by RN no name

AND FINALLY . . . . THE FUNNIEST

Baby's First Doctor Visit

This made me laugh out loud.

I hope it will give you a smile!

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the

doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived, and

examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked

if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

'Breast-fed,' she replied...

'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered. She did. He pinched

her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very

professional and detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No wonder this baby is

under- weight. You don't have any milk.'

'I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came.'

Talking Dog ?

A young jackaroo from outback Queensland goes off to university, but halfway through the semester he has squandered all of his money.

He calls home. 'Dad,' he says, 'you won't believe what modern education is developing...they actually have a program here in Brisbane that will teach our dog Ol' Blue how to talk.'

'That's amazing!' his Dad says. 'How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?'

'Just send him down here with $2,000,' the young jackaroo says, 'I'll get him in the course.'

So his father sends the dog and $2,000.

About two-thirds through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home.  'So how's Ol' Blue doing, son?' his father wants to know. 
 
'Awesome! Dad, he's talking up a storm... But you just won't believe this. They've had such good results with talking, they've begun to teach the animals how to read.'

'Read?' exclaims his father. 'No kidding! How do we get Ol' Blue in that program?'

'Just send $4,500. I'll get him in the class.'

The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk nor read.

So he shoots the dog. When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited.

'Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to talk with him, and see him read something!'

'Dad,' the boy says, 'I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal. Then he suddenly turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still bonking that little redhead barmaid at the pub?''

The father groans and whispers, 'I hope you shot that bastard before he talks to your Mother!'

'I sure did, Dad!'

'That's my boy!'

The kid went on to be a successful lawyer with Slater and Gordon

Engineers and Chicken !

While Aston Martin is busy selling pre owned cars, following is from ROLLS ROYCE STAFF MAGAZINE
 
Sometimes it DOES take a Rocket Scientist!! (true story)..
 
Scientists at Rolls Royce built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners and military jets all travelling at maximum velocity.
 
The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.
 
American engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the Windshields of their new high speed trains.
 
Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the American engineers. When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken shot out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin like an arrow shot from a bow..
 
The horrified Yanks sent Rolls Royce the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the British scientists for suggestions.
 
 
 
Rolls Royce responded with a one-line memo:
 
"Defrost the chicken."

Blond women at work !

Three women all worked in the same office with the same female boss. Each day, they noticed the boss left work early. 

One day the girls decided that, when the boss left, they would leave right behind her. After all, she never called or came back to work, so how  would she know they went home early?

The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening, spent time playing with her son, and went to bed early.

The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before a dinner date.

The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard muffled noises from inside.

Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her lady boss! Gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house.

The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them.





"No way," the blonde exclaimed. "I almost got caught yesterday."

Husband and wife Costume Party !

A couple was invited to a masked costume Halloween party. The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going. So he took his Batman costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain, and, as it was still early, decided to go to the party. In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

She put on a Goldilocks costume. So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on
the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he cuddle and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.

 

His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband. After some more to drink he finally whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a quickie in the back seat.

Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put her costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for his outrageous behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had.

"Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."

Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"

He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening."

"You must have looked really silly wearing that Batman costume playing poker all night!" she said with unashamed sarcasm.

To which the husband replied, "Actually, I gave my Batman costume to My Dad. Apparently he had a whale of a time. He told me he got lucky with a  hottie in a Goldilocks outfit"

Moral of the story: Don't try to sneak up on your man !!!

Having Babies in Arab World !

After having their 11th child, a Pakisthan couple decided that it was enough, as they couldn't afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.

 

The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive. A less costly alternative was to go home, get a large firecracker, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The husband said to the doctor, "Masha'Allah!, I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me with my problem.."

"Trust me, it will do the job", said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cracker and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count with his fingers: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he paused.....................

 and placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand.

This procedure has been approved by the Health Department of Pakistan. Hope this could happen in the whole of Middle East as well (Obviously before reaching the 11 mark - 0 is better)

As for the photo's, it shows how Muslim women like to wear sexy stuff and look good. Depriving them indeed is a human rights violation - of our rights to see them ;)

Spaghetti from Italy !!

 
For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. 

One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he said he would pay her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discreet, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back.. He would then arrange for the child
support payments to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. 'Honey, she said, 'you received a very strange post card today.' 

'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said. The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written:

Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.

Three with meatballs, two without.

Send extra sauce.

Condoms, Hotels and Ducks !

Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together in a hotel room and Donald wanted to have sex with Daisy.

The first thing Daisy asked was, "Do you have a condom?"

Donald frowned and said, "No."

Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom, they could not have sex.

"Maybe they sell them at the front desk," she suggested.

So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk if they had condoms.

"Yes, we do," the clerk said and pulled a box out from under the counter and gave it to Donald.

The clerk asked, "Would you like me to put them on your bill ?"

"Thit No!"? Donald quacked, "I'll thuffocate!"

Do Wives Love their Husbands?

 There was a group of women gathered at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with your husband. The women were asked, ‘How many of you love your husbands?’

All the women raised their hands.

Then they were asked, ‘When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?’

Some women answered today, some yesterday, some didn’t remember. The women were then told to take their cell phones and send the following text: "I love you, sweetheart."

Then the women were told to exchange phones and read the responding text messages.

Here are some of the replies:

1. Who is this ???
2. Ah, mother of my children, are you sick ?
3. I love you too !!
4. What now ? Did you crash the car again ?
5. I don’t understand what you mean ?
6. What did you do now? I won’t forgive you this time !
7. What the hell?!?
8. Don’t beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need?
9. Am I dreaming?
10. If you don’t tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die.

11. I asked you not to drink anymore. I’ll leave if you are tired of me !