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Sunday, February 23, 2014

The Drunk and the Priest !





A drunken man who smelled of beer sat down in an underground train, next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick and  a half empty bottle of GIN was sticking out of his coat pocket.  He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, “Father what causes Arthritis”??

The priest replies, “My son, its caused by loose living. Being with cheap and wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath”.

In response the drunk muttered,"I’m damned"and then returned to his newspaper. 
The priest thinking about what he has said, nudged the man and Apologised.  “I'm very sorry.  I didn't mean to come on you so strong.  How long have you had Arthritis??"

And the drunk man replied “I don't have it father. I was just reading that the POPE has”.

Friday, February 21, 2014

Politicians are Cows !



SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour

COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk

FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk

NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you

BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then
throws the milk away

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy
grows.
You sell them and retire on the income

ROYAL BANK OF SCOTLAND (VENTURE) CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by
your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption
for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States , leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release.
The public then buys your bull.

SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.



AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to
produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why
the cow has dropped dead.

A GREEK CORPORATION
You have two cows. You borrow lots of euros to build barns, milking sheds, hay stores, feed sheds,
dairies, cold stores, abattoir, cheese unit and packing sheds.
You still only have two cows.

A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three
cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce
twenty times the milk.
You then create a clever cow cartoon image called a Cowkimona and
market it worldwide.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows,
but you don't know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.

A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.

AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the ** out of you and invade your country.
You still have no cows, but at least you are now a Democracy.

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive...

Monday, February 10, 2014

Forest Gump in Heaven !





The day finally arrived. Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven.
He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are closed, and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.

St. Peter said, 'Well, Forrest, it is certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we have been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven.'

Forrest responds, 'It sure is good to be here, St. Peter, sir. But nobody ever told me about any entrance exam. I sure hope the test ain't too hard. Life was a big enough test as it was.'

St. Peter continued, 'Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions.

First:

What two days of the week begin with the letter T?

Second:

How many seconds are there in a year?

Third:

What is God's first name?'

Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day and sees St. Peter, who waves him up, and says, 'Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers.'

Forrest replied, 'Well, the first one -- which two days in the week begin with the letter 'T'?
Shucks, that one is easy. That would be Today and Tomorrow.'

The Saint's eyes opened wide and he exclaimed, 'Forrest, that is not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I did not specify, so I will give you credit for that answer. How about the next one?' asked St. Peter.

'How many seconds in a year?

Now that one is harder,' replied Forrest, 'but I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve.'
 
 
Astounded, St. Peter said, 'Twelve? Twelve? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year ?

Forrest replied, 'Shucks, there's got to be twelve:
January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd... '


'Hold it', interrupts St.Peter. 'I see where you are going with this, and I see your point, though that was not quite what I had in mind....but I will have to give you credit for that one, too. Let us go on with the third and final question.'

'Can you tell me God's first name'?

'Sure,' Forrest replied, 'it's Andy.'

'Andy?'
exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St Peter. 'Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?'

You are going to love this ...


'Shucks, that was the easiest one of all,' Forrest replied. 'I learnt it from the hymns          

ANDY WALKS WITH ME,

ANDY TALKS WITH ME,

ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN.'

Friday, January 31, 2014

Joke on Poor Man by Rich Man !



A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.
The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"



"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.

"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on greens' fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.



"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf and sex."


Thursday, January 23, 2014

Oklahoma !




How do you pronounce Oklahoma?
Do you think it's correct?

There is a right way and a wrong way
to pronounce Oklahoma.

If you say OK...LAHOMA
You're WRONG.

The proper way is:
OKLA...HOMA.
  
There's a gap between
the 'a' and the 'h'.

I can prove it!
   





 Scroll Down !




















Wednesday, January 22, 2014

Instant Messaging i phone Party Invitation !



This is a funny party invitation on iphone - read the full conversation - Awesome !



Monday, January 20, 2014

Wonderful Definitions !


School
A place where Parents pay and children play .

Life Insurance
A contract that keeps you poor all your life so that you can die Rich.

Nurse:
A person who wakes u up to give you sleeping pills .

Marriage
It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her masters...

Divorce
Future tense of Marriage.

Tears
The hydraulic force by which masculine willpower is defeated by feminine water power...

Lecture
An art of transferring information from the notes of the Lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either" .

Conference
The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.

Compromise
The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.

Dictionary
A place where success comes before work.

Conference Room
A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.

Father
A banker provided by nature.

Criminal
A person no different from the rest
....except that he/she got caught.

Boss
Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.

Politician
One who shakes your hand before elections and your Confidence after .

DOCTOR
A person who holds your ills by pills, and kills you by bills.

Classic
Books, which people praise, but do not read.

Smile
A curve that can set a lot of things straight .

Office
A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.

Yawn
The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.

Etc.
A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.

Committee
Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.

Experience
The name men give to their mistakes.

Atom Bomb
An invention to end all inventions.

Philosopher
A fool who torments himself during life, to be wise.

Tuesday, December 24, 2013

Meeting someone for Christmas !


DA: Thank you for calling dental clinic how can I help you?
Man: Hi, I need to see someone between now and Christmas
DA: sure, what day would you like to come in?
Man: yeah, but I need someone who is busty
DA: sorry...what??
Man: busty...you know...big boobs.
DA (really offended): sorry but that is NOT the right way to say things!!! What's your name??
Man: err...err sorry where is this?
DA: this is a dental clinic
Man: OMG how embarrassing, sorry wrong number.

Wednesday, December 18, 2013

Around the world in 80 drinks !


When did you last get a chance to taste all alcoholic beverages the world has to offer? Here we go around the world in 80 drinks !


Thursday, December 12, 2013

What did Santa get you for Christmas !



A policeman on his horse tells to a young girl on her bike "Did Santa Give you that?"

"Yes" Says the Young Girl


"Well, tell Santa to put a reflector light on it next year" and fines her $5..

The girl looks up at the policeman and says "Nice Horse you've got there...Did Santa give it to you last Christmas too?"

The Policeman chuckles and replies "Sure thing, he did give me the Horse"

"Well" says the little girl... "Next year, tell Santa that the Fucking dick goes under the horse and not on top of it" 


Thursday, December 5, 2013

Crazy Vs. Stupid !



A truck driver was doing his usual delivery to Mental Hospital.

He discovered a flat tyre when he was about to go home.


He jacked up the truck and took the flat tyre down.
When he was about to fix the spare tyre, he accidentally dropped all the bolts into the drain.
As he can't fish the bolts out, he started to panic.
A patient happened to walk past and asked the driver what happened.


The driver thought to himself, since there's nothing much he can do; he told the patient the whole incident.


The patient laughed at him & said "can't even fix such a simple problem... no wonder youare destined to be a truck driver..."


"Here's what you can do, take one bolt each from the other 3 tyres and fix it onto this tyre. Then drive to the nearest workshop and replace the missing ones, easy as that"


The driver was very impressed and asked:"You're so smart but why are you  here in a  Mental Hospital?"

Patient replied:

"Hello, I am here because I'm CRAZY, not STUPID!"

Monday, December 2, 2013

Diamond Bracelet at Harrods !



A woman walks into Harrods. She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it.
As she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly farts. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little woops and prays that a sales person was not anywhere near. As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her.

Good looking as well as cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional in a store like Harrods. 


He politely greets lady with, 'Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?'

Blushing and uncomfortable, but, still hoping that the salesman somehow missed her little 'incident', She asks, 'what is the price of this lovely bracelet?'

He answers, "Madam - if you farted just looking at it - you're going to shit yourself when I tell you the price!"


Sunday, December 1, 2013

Smokers Fun !



Girl : U Smoke ?????

Man : Yeah 

Girl : How much do you smoke a day ?

Man : Around 3 Packs a day !

Girl : How much does each pack cost ?

Man : Say $ 10.00 each !

Girl : You know thats $ 900 a month and Gosh a $10,950 a year ?

Man : Yeah !

Girl : For how long have you been smoking ?

Man : Like 15 years !


Girl : So you know that's $164,250 in all. You could have got a bloody Ferrari..

Man : Hmmm.... Interesting... Do you Smoke?

Girl : NOOOOO !!

Man : So where is your Fukin' Ferrari Bitch ???

Wednesday, November 27, 2013

Thanksgiving Funny !


Preparing your Thanksgiving day dinner? Here is how you prepare your Turkey !



Monday, November 18, 2013

Top 10 Songs in the Arab World !

OK - another Arab Funny.. I am going to get bombed one of these days by Achmeth !


The top 10 songs played on 95.8 Kabul FM on Sunday....

1. Losing my religion - REM (Raving Edict Mullah mix)

2. Unchained Mullahdy - The Self Righteous Brothers



3. Aid Drops Keep Falling on my Head - Johnny Farnham

4. Living on a Prayer mat - TaliBon Jovi

5. Tented love - Soft (Terrorist) Cell



6. Do you really want to shoot me? - Boy George Bush & Capture Club

7. Rockin Allah-ver the World - Status Quaeda

8. I'm too extremist for my turban - Right Said Mullah Omar

9. The Ayatollah Skank - Fatwa Boy Slim



10. (Come up and find me) Mecca me smile -Grand Wizard of KKK



And the 5 Most popular among Oldies was

The Grateful Dead - Yesarafat
What a Bomba-ful World - Loose Armstoned
Oops Bombed - SNAP
I get droned about you - Damn Hartman
Hey Mr. Taliban - US Army !



Tuesday, November 12, 2013

Handling Introverts !!!


Who are introverts? How do we treat them and how do we need to treat them?

 
Are Cowardly Ass Holes that Hide Behind Bushes and Kill innocent animals Introverts? Not in my opinion... They truly are Ass Holes !

They who are the??



Are they the ones who see no wrong in what they do but fail to see the rational behind the misdeed done? Not again !

This is what an Introvert is !!



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