The Brave Army Sniper and Gun Sellet

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An Army Sniper goes to a Rifle shop to buy a new scope for his Gun.

Manager takes out one & says: "This scope is so good, YOU can see my house 1 km up on that hill."

Sniper looks through the scope & laughs: "I see a naked man & a naked woman in your house."

Manager looks in the scope & gives 2 bullets to the sniper: "I'll give you this scope free, if you shoot the woman's head off & the guy's Dick."

Sniper looks again in the scope : "Well!! Seems like I can do that with one bullet..!

A funny from Sri Lanka !

A Sri Lankan Doctor can't find a job in a Hospital in US so he opens a clinic and puts a sign outside 'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100

A American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic...

Lawyer :  "I have lost my sense of taste"

Lankan doctor :  "Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth"

Lawyer :  "Ugh..this is kerosene"

Lankan doctor :  "Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $20"

The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money...

Lawyer :  "I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything"

Lankan doctor :  "Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth"

Lawyer (annoyed) :  "This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste"

Lankan doctor : "Congrats. You got your memory back. Give me $20"

The fuming lawyer pays him, and then comes back a week later determined to get back $100.

Lawyer :  "My eyesight has become very weak I can't see at all "

Lankan doctor :  "Well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100"

Lawyer (staring at the note) : "But this is $20, not $100"

Lankan doctor :  "Congrats, your eyesight is restored. Give me $20"

You can't beat  Sri Lankan’s !!!!! 😂😂😂😂😂

Don't know who wrote this.. Hats off to him......

I am Coming too !

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Little Musa comes to school with a black eye regularly. The teacher notices this and thinks of having a chat with little Musa. 


TEACHER: What's wrong?

MUSA : Our house is very small.

MUSA: My mum, my dad and I, we all sleep on the same bed. Every night my dad asks, Musa r u sleeping?' Then I say 'No' and then he slaps my face and gives me a Black eye"

Teacher: Tonight when ur dad asks again, keep dead quiet. don't answer. The following morning Musa comes back with a severe black eye again.

Teacher: My goodness why the black eye again?

Musa : Dad asked me again, Musa are you sleeping? I shut up and kept dead still. Then my dad and my mom started moving, u know, at the same time Mum was breathing like a Christmas chicken, kicking her legs up frantically and squealing like a hyena on the bed. 

Then my dad asked my mum, R u coming? Mum said, Yes I'm coming, r u coming too? Dad answered:- Yes. 

They don't usually go anywhere without me so I said, wait for me, I'm coming tooo 😂

Public Embarrassment in a different form

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 Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak -
The last one is great!
Have you ever spoken and wished that you could
Immediately take the words back...
Or that you could crawl into a hole?
Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....

FIRST TESTIMONY:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly,
'How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?'
I turned around and walked back out and never went back
My husband didn't say a word... He knew better.

SECOND TESTIMONY:
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls.
I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using.
After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store
He asked if he could help me.
Without thinking, I looked at him and said, 'I think I like playing with men's balls'

THIRD TESTIMONY:
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a
variety of candy and nuts.
As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help.
I replied, 'No, I'm just looking at your nuts.'
My sister started to laugh hysterically.
The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget it.

FOURTH TESTIMONY :
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok.
I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons.
I told her that if she did not start behaving 'right now' she would be punished.
To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening,
'If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!'
The s silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange.
Even the tellers stopped what they were doing.
I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow.
The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.

LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she
speaks.
What happens when you predict snow but don't get any!
We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed up to a couple of inches and didn't,
turned to the weatherman and asked:
'So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?'
Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, as they were laughing so hard!

Now, didn't that feel good?
Pass it on to someone you know who needs a laugh
And remember
We all say things we don't really mean,
So think before you speak!

Funny Answers in Court of Law

These are from a book called 'Disorder in the American Courts' and are things people actually said in Court, word for word, taken down and now published by Court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
__________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS : Did you actually pass the law exam?
__________

ATTORNEY : The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?

WITNESS : He's twenty, much like your IQ.
_________

ATTORNEY : Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS : Are you serious.
__________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?

WITNESS : Yes.

ATTORNEY : How many were boys?

WITNESS : None.

ATTORNEY : Were there any girls?

WITNESS : Your Honour, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
__________

ATTORNEY : How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS : By death.

ATTORNEY : And by whose death was it terminated?

WITNESS : Take a guess.
__________

ATTORNEY : Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS : He was about medium height and had a beard.

ATTORNEY : Was this a male or a female?

WITNESS : Unless the Circus was in town,  I'm going with male.
__________

ATTORNEY : Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

WITNESS : All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
__________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS : The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

ATTORNEY : And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS : If not, he was by the time I finished.
__________

And the best for the last..

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS : No.

ATTORNEY : Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS : No.

ATTORNEY : Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS : No.

ATTORNEY : So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

WITNESS : No.

ATTORNEY : How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS : Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY : But could the patient have still been alive?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law
🤣🤣🤣

The Doctor, Teacher or Student - High-school Reunion !!

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Absolutely brilliant joke.  After a long time, i could really relish an intelligent joke :
Reunion Special: Read it😀😊😬😳

Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, "surely I can't look that old.". Well . . . you'll love this one..The stuff is from a lady called Archana

"My name is Archana. I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist.

I noticed his BDS degree on the wall, which bore his full name.

Suddenly, I remembered a tall , handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 25-odd years ago.

Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then?

Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate.

After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended St Xavier's high school.

"Yes. yes, I did.' he gleamed with pride.

"When did you graduate?" I asked.

He answered, "In 1987. Why do you ask?"

"You were in my class!!!!", I exclaimed.

He looked at me closely.

Then,
that
ugly,
old,
bald,
wrinkled faced,
gray-haired,
decrepit,
idiot,
asked,

"What subject did you teach" ?"

The golden bar where Booze is .......

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Pedro came home drunk at four in the morning, and his wife was all over him, yelling at him, crying because she thought he was with another woman.

"No, honey, I swear, I was at this bar, and it was so fancy that even the urinals were made of GOLD!" Said Pedru.

She said she didn't believe him, so she called the bar.

"Hello," she said,

"I just want to ask one question. My husband claims to have spent the night at your bar and I have one question; are your urinals covered in gold?"

To which she heard the bartender say,

 "Hey, Martin, - I think we found the guy who pissed  in your Saxophone!

Well, there are Saxophone urinals in some toilets - the Man could be right !!

What Alcohol Do you Prefer !!

For a laugh and could be a life lesson for some - please do share with your friends.. 

Interesting study. A recent magazine survey, interviewed fifty bartenders and they were asked if they could identify a customer's personality on what drinks they ordered?

Although interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts.


The results:

If Women Drink...

Beer
Personality: Casual, low maintenance; down to earth.
Approach:  Challenge her to a game of pool.


Cocktails or Blender drinks with umbrella
Personality:  Flaky, annoying, dizzy, and a pain in the ass.
Approach:    Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy.


Mixed drinks - no umbrellas e.g.; Gin and tonic / Scotch and soda
Personality:   Mature, has picky taste; knows what she wants
Approach:     If she wants you, she'll send YOU a drink.


Water
Personality:   Pretentious and is looking for a serious relationship.
Approach:     Don't.


Wine - (bottled, not 4 litre cask)
Personality:    Conservative and classy, sophisticated.
Approach:     Try and weave Paris and clothing into the conversation.


Bacardi Breezer, Red Square , Archers Cooler, Smirnoff Ice, Mudshake, etc.
Personality:    Easy; thinks she is trendy and sophisticated actually has no clue.
Approach:     Make her feel smarter than she is... and you're in.


Baileys, Cape Velvet, soft liqueurs
Personality:     Annoying voice, bit of a tart.
Approach:       Stand close and mention the alley next to the pub.


Shots and Slammers (Tequila, Vodka, Aftershock etc.)
Personality:     Hangs around with male work pals or looking to get drunk...and naked.
Approach:       Easiest hit in the pub, Nothing to do but wait.......



IF MEN DRINK... (As always, very simple and clear cut.)

Cider
He's probably under-aged and wants to get laid.

Cheap Domestic Beer
He's poor / student and wants to get laid.

Erdinger or Fosters Lager Beer
He likes good beer and wants to get laid.

Imported Beer
He's old; he likes good beer and wants to get laid.

Guinness
The man is a rapist and will get laid one way or another.

Water
He just threw up and is trying to wash the taste out of his mouth so
that he can still get laid

Wine
He's hoping that the wine thing will give him a sophisticated image and
help him get laid.

Vodka or Brandy
Extremely horny hound, would shag a warm scarf. Desperate to get laid.

Port
Thinks he's sophisticated, secretly likes men and wants to get laid.

Whisky
He doesn't give two $hits about anything and will hit anyone who will
get in his way of getting laid.

Jack Daniels
Not as masculine as the whisky drinker, knows all about feminine
activities (knitting, crochet etc.) to weasel himself into getting laid.

Rum or Tequila
Likes fighting almost as much as getting laid.

Bacardi Breezer, Red Square, Archers Cooler, Smirnoff Ice, etc
He’s gay (blatantly) - don’t turn your back or pick up any dropped change.

President Clinton and Monika - the true story ..

Some years ago President Clinton was hosting a state dinner when, at the last minute, his regular cook fell ill, and they had to get a replacement on short notice.The fellow arrived and turned out to be a very grubby-looking man named Jon.

The President voiced his concerns to his Chief of Staff but was told that this was the best they could do on such short notice.

Just before the meal, the President noticed the cook sticking his finger in the soup to taste it and again complained to the Chief Of Staff, but he was told that this man was supposed to be a very good chef.

The meal went okay, but the President was sure that the soup tasted a bit funny.

By the time dessert came, he was starting to have stomach cramps and nausea.

It was getting worse and worse until finally the President had to excuse himself from the dinner to look for the bathroom.

Passing through the kitchen, he caught sight of the cook, Jon, scratching his bum, which made him feel even worse.

By now, the President was desperately ill with violent cramps and was so disorientated that he couldn't remember which door led to the bathroom.

He tried every door in the hallway and was on the verge of passing out from the pain when he finally found a door that opened.

As he unzipped his trousers and ran in, he realized to his horror that he had stumbled into Monica Lewinsky's office with his trousers around his knees.

The President fell to the floor in pain and as he was just about to pass out, Monica bent over him to listen for a heartbeat and heard the President whisper in a barely audible voice,
"Sack my cook."

And, that is how the whole misunderstanding occurred.