Black Guy, White Guy Joke !

A skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him.


The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says: "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown."

The white man faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy says, "What's wrong with you?"

In a weak voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you say to me?"


The big dude says, "I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch private, my left testicle weighs 3 pounds, my right testicle weighs 3 pounds, and my name is Turner Brown.


The small guy says, "Turner Brown????!!!...Sweet Jesus. For a moment, I thought you said, 'Turn around "

Baby with complications

A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to labour is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth.


"I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies.

"O.K. Do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife.


"No, no boyfriend either."


Do you have a partner then?"

"No, I`m not attached, I'll be having my baby on my own."


After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman, "You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is black."


"Well," replies the girl, "I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a porn film. The lead man was black."

"Oh, I`m very sorry," says the midwife, "that's really none of my business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair."


"Well yes," the girl again replies, "you see the co-star in the movie was this Swedish guy."


"Oh, I`m sorry," the midwife repeats, "that's really none of my business either and I hate to pry further but your baby also has slanted Eyes."


"Yes," continues the girl, "there was a little Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice."

At this, the midwife again apologizes, collects the baby and presents her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give the baby a slap on the butt.


The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims, "Thank god for that!"


"What do you mean?" says the midwife, shocked.

"Well," says the girl extremely relieved, "I had this horrible feeling that she was going to bark."

Elderly Woman and Bank President

An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.


After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.

The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, '$165,000'. The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money. The elderly woman replied that she made bets.

The president was surprised and asked, 'What kind of bets?'

The elderly woman replied, 'Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square.'

The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that.

The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, 'Would you like to take my bet?'

'Certainly', replied the president.. 'I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square.'

'Done', the elderly woman answered. 'But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 ' clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness.' 'No problem', said the president of the Bank confidently.

That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that


There was no way he could lose the bet.

The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square.

The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. So that she and her lawyer could see clearly.

The president was happy to oblige.

The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. 'Of course', said the president. 'Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure.'

The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, 'Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank of Canada !'

Blonds - Sex doesn't matter !!

A Sheriff in a small town in Texas walks out in the street, sees a blond haired cowboy coming toward him with nothing on but his cowboy hat, his gun and his boots. He arrests him for indecent exposure.


As he is locking him up, he asks 'Why in the world are you walking around like this?'


The cowboy says, 'Well it's like this Sheriff.............


"I was in this bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor home with her.......... So I did."

"We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt.... So I did. "

"Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants.... So I did. "


"Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts.... So I did."


"Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says,


'Now go to town cowboy.' - 'And here I am.' "

 

Politically Incorrect !!

I've just come out of the shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I've not eaten for two days'

I told him 'I wish I had your flamin' will power'

I took my Biology exam last Friday. I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells. Apparently "Blacks" and "Paki's" were not the correct answers.

  

In conclusion - Confucius says

• Squirrel who runs up woman's leg not find nuts
• Man who leap off cliff jump to conclusion
• Man who runs in front of car get tired, man who runs behind car get exhausted.
• War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.

Pregnant ? Such sensitivity........

The room was full of pregnant women with their partners. The class was in full swing.

The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly and was telling the men how to give the necessary assurance to their partners at this stage of the pregnancy.

 She said "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier. Just take several stops and stay on a soft surface like grass or a path".


She looked at the men in the room, "and Gentlemen, remember -- You're in this together - It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her.


The room suddenly got very quiet as the men absorbed this information.


Then a man at the back of the room slowly raised his hand.


"Yes", answered the Instructor.


"I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk??"

LOL - Men do give opportunities for women to have fun all the time you know !!!

HOW TO TELL THE GENDER OF A BIRD

This Is AMAZING!!!






Until now I never fully understood how to tell The difference Between Male and Female Birds. I always thought it had to be determined surgically. - Until Now.






Which of The Two Birds Is a Female???

Below are Two Birds. Study them closely...See If You Can Spot Which of The Two Is The Female.


It can be done. Even by one with limited bird watching skills.

So What do you think ??

For those who couldn't figure out - the one to your right is the Fe-Male !!

Tickle Me Elmo !!!

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys.. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.



Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.


The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new Employee.


He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.


The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.


At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.


The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena .


'I'm sorry,' he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, 'but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday...'



'Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.

Funny Letters & short Notes

Dear Noah,


We could have sworn you said the ark wasn't leaving till 5.


Sincerely, Unicorns

Dear Twilight fans,


Please realize that because vampires are dead and have no blood pumping through them, they can never get an erection.


Enjoy fantasizing about that.
Sincerely,
Logic

 Dear Icebergs,


Sorry to hear about the global warming. Karma's a bitch.
Sincerely,
The Titanic

Dear Boyfriend,


We can make your girlfriend scream louder than you can.


Sincerely,
Spiders

Dear Yahoo,


I've never heard anyone say, "I don't know, let's Yahoo! it..." just saying...


Sincerely,
Google

Dear girls who have been dumped,


There are plenty of fish in the sea... Just kidding! They're all dead.


Sincerely,
BP

Dear 2010,


So I hear the best rapper is white and the president is black? WTF happened?!


Sincerely,
1985

Dear Justin Bieber ,


Ariel would really love her voice back.


Sincerely,
King Triton

Dear Rose,


There was definitely room on that raft for the both of us.
Sincerely,
Jack








Dear Windshield Wipers,


Can't touch this.


Sincerely,
That Little Triangle






Dear Taylor Swift,


If it is of any interest to you, Romeo and Juliet both kill themselves in the end.


Sincerely,
Shakespeare







Dear Saturn,


I liked it, so I put a ring on it.

Sincerely,
God



Dear Rubik's Cube,


Done!
Sincerely,
Colorblind








Dear Santa,


Please tell me how you managed to stop at three Ho's.


Sincerely,
Tiger Woods

Dear Boys Wearing Skinny Jeans,




We. Can't. Breathe.


Sincerely,
Your Balls

 
Dear Martin Luther King Jr.,


I have a dream within a dream within a dream within another dream... What now?


Sincerely,
Leonardo DiCaprio






Dear Romeo,


My death isn't the only thing I've been faking...

Sincerely,
Juliet








Dear Toaster,


Just gonna stand there and watch me burn?


Sincerely,
Toast






Dear Edward Cullen,


I really hope that one day, I can find my way into your heart.


Sincerely,
A stake

What to do when a Shark Attacks !!

How many occassions in our life time do we not go have fun in that lovely vast wide ocean just because we fear those monster sharks coming behind us to attack and taste a bit of our butt flesh ?? Here are a few simple steps to follow to ensure that we do give our asses to those ugly big creatures.

Click on image for larger version if you find it hard to read !!!!

Oh.... And not forgetting, eat a load of Gralic before you jump to the sea. If all above said methods fail and if the ugly fellow manages to get to your butt..... You know what to do FOL for the fellows brains to pop out !!!!

FOL = Fart Our Loud !!!!!!

Funny Penis Request !

Dear Management,

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

1- I do physical labor

2- I work at great depths

3- I plunge head first into everything I do

4- I do not get weekends or public holidays off

5- I work in a damp environment

6- I don’t get paid overtime

7- I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation

8- I work in high temperatures

9- My work exposes me to contagious diseases

Dear Penis,

After assessing your request and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

1- You can not work 8 hours straight

2- You fall asleep on the job after brief work periods

3- You do not always follow the orders of the management team

4- You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations

5- You do not take initiative — you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working

6- You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift

7- You don’t always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective gear

8- You will retire well before you are 65

9- You are unable to work double shifts

10- You sometimes leave your designated work before you have completed the assigned task

11- And if that were not enough, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious looking bags

Sincerely,

The Management

Funny Cartoons for the new year !!!

Before sex, you help each other get naked!!
After sex, you only dress yourself.

The Moral of the story:
In life, no one helps you once you've been fucked

Here are some Classics to shake your rib cage - enjoy my freinds !!

What do you think you would do if a crocodile get's the better off you..

It could be the Great Wall of China, but, we might have to learn to walk this way if required..

A new way to kill those unwanted flies and mosquitos...

Oh God... what happened to the key hole ??

Tickle your senses before you leap off the mountains !!

Hell ya - the idiot wouldn't know ha ??

Well, I am gona try this with my seretary the next time when I get her to wear her Jacket...

Looking at Pussy will kill her doggy... 

So, did you have a good laugh ?? Please share with freinds and don't forget to chech out a few adverts on the sides - you will benefit from them for sure..... Have a great day my friend... !!