More Funnies from Facebook !

Totally got this off Facebook - Facebook Indeed can give you some funny stuff. Here is some good advice from the mature - Old Gentleman about sex, wife, kids, family and in general living life !

LOL !!

Let's Start with being Handsome !

About Horror Movies being Funny

Wife - a Sex Object ?

Verbal Diarrhea

Most used Sexual Position for Married People !

On a computer based paperless society !

Use of Push and Pull !

Being Quiet !!

A Woman's Point of view !

Good Advice on Bungee Jumping  !

Lock the wife up in a cellar !

How do we Pop out of the bed !

Wide being married ??

Action at Cash point !

 

Punography !!

• I tried to catch some Fog. I mist :(
• When Chemists Die, They Barium !
• A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran !
• I know a guy who's addicted to break Fluid. He says he can stop anytime !
• How does Mosses make his Tea? Hebrews it !

  

 

• I stayed up all night to see where the Sun went. Then it dawned on me !
• This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club. But, I never met herbivore !
• I am reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.
• I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words. 

  

 

• They told me I had type A blood. But is was a Type O.
• A dyslexic man walks in to a bra.
• PMS jokes aren't funny - Period !
• Why were the Indians here first ? They had reservations !!
• Class trip to the Coca Cola factory: I hope there is no pop Quiz !
• Energizer Bunny got arrested - Charged with Battery !!
• I did not like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
• How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it !!
• What do you call a Dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary ? A Thesaurus !

• When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble !
• What does a clock do when it's Hungry? It goes back four seconds..
• I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger - Then it Hit me !
• Broken Pencils are Pointless !!!

When Stickers are Stuck Wrong !

A good message for the Gay right activists !! I tell ya - treat them right ! They are the same flesh and bone as you and I are.

Porn Movie for kids?

I knew this Elmo guy was not right !!

Winnie the Pooh - OK, I did not see it coming this soon when I mentioned Gay's to be treated equally !!

Attention all you Ass Holes !!!!! I will give a few free of charge to you !!

Well, I would be a happier person Today if you did, you wild thing !!

Yes, your ...................   So what ? Need Viagra ?

Ya - this is the opposite of Music to the Ear I guess !

The "yet to evolve" bloody Koreans in the north apparently are doing this - Fuck them all Kim Ill Ping Pong !

Naa - I still prefer some Android games !! No time to coo coo around someones fantasy land !

Lost for words on below - LOL !! New meaning to fucking a doughnut !

What Indian Advertisements Teach Us !

1. Kareena has dandruff problem, Katrina has dry hair problem, Shilpa has hairfall problem and Priyanka has chip-chip.

2. If you've a hot wife, make sure your neighbor doesn't use a deodorant in your absence.

3. Your complexion is more important than your qualifications.

4. If there is no salt in your kitchen you can use Toothpaste.

5. Every second oral care brand is No. 1 and recommended by every dentist in India!!!

6. If your daughter is not Ready to Get married, take her to a jewelry/textile shop.

7. Only reason why men use deodorant is to get girls.

8. Most colas cure all kinds of phobias. You will be close to a superman, if you drink these regularly!!

9. All superstars are so poor that they prefer to risk life for a cool drink than to purchase it for Rs:10

10. The special effects in shampoo ads are greater than special effects in Avatar.

11. Fruit content in shampoo and soap is more than fruit content in 99% of juices.

12. Amul has better satirical cartoonists than people who make better milk products.

13. Most people buy vehicles to travel in bad roads but complain about roads in India.

14. You can't eat Dairy Milk Silk without spreading it all over you face.

15. Nobody uses motorbikes for commuting, its only to pick up girls.

16. All soaps kill 99.9% of germs.

17. People believe that Bacardi makes music CD's and Directors special/Kingfisher make mineral water.

18. The only time mothers and daughters talk to each other, it's usually about hair oil.

19. No matter what kind of expert one is, he'll always wear a white laboratory coat.

And, finally this

20.Mutualfundinvestmentsaresubjecttomarketriskspleasereadtheofferdocumentcarefullybeforeinvesting.

Fuck a Duck !!

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a Labrador Retriever.

As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat.

The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room. 

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. 

"£150!"she cried, £150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been £20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now £150."

Veet removes Hair for sure !!

THIS IS AN ACTUAL CUSTOMER REVIEW FROM A MAN ON AMAZON.CO.UK AFTER USING VEET HAIR REMOVAL CREAM FOR MEN. I ACTUALLY HAD TEARS ROLLING DOWN MY FACE WHILE READING IT!!!!!!!!!!!! SOOOO FUNNY!!!:

After having been told my danglies looked like an elderly Rastafarian I decided to take the plunge and buy some of this as previous shaving attempts had only been mildly successful and I nearly put my back out trying to reach the more difficult bits. Being a bit of a romantic I thought I would do the deed on the missus's birthday as a bit if a treat.

I ordered it well in advance and working in the North Sea I considered myself a bit above some of the characters writing the previous reviews and wrote them off as soft office types...Oh my fellow sufferers how wrong I was. I waited until the other half was tucked up in bed and after giving some vague hints about a special surprise I went down to the bathroom. Initially all went well and I applied
the gel and stood waiting for something to happen. I didn’t have long to wait.

At first there was a gentle warmth which in a matter of seconds was replaced by an intense burning and a feeling I can only describe as like being given a barbed wire wedgie by two people intent on hitting the ceiling with my head. Religion hadn't featured much in my life until that night but I suddenly became willing to convert to any religion to stop the violent burning around the turd tunnel and what seemed like the the destruction of the meat and two veg. Struggling not to bite through
my bottom lip I tried to wash the gel off in the sink and only succeeded in blocking the plughole with a mat of hair. 

Through the haze of tears I struggled out of the bathroom across the hall into the kitchen, by this time walking was not really possible and I crawled the final yard to the fridge in the hope of some form of cold relief. I yanked the freezer drawer out and found a tub of ice cream, toe the lid off and positioned it under me. The relief was fantastic but only temporary as it melted fairly quickly and the fiery stabbing returned. Due to the shape of the ice cream tub I hadn’t managed to give the starfish any
treatment and I groped around in the draw for something else as I was sure my vision was going to fail fairly soon. 

I grabbed a bag of what I later found out was frozen sprouts and tore it open trying to be quiet as I did so. I took a handful of them and an tried in vain to clench some between the cheeks of my arse. This was not doing the trick as some of the gel had found its way up the chutney channel and it felt like the space shuttle was running its engines behind me. This was probably and hopefully the only time
in my life I was going to wish there was a gay snowman in the kitchen which should give you some idea of the depths I was willing to sink to in order to ease the pain. 

The only solution my pain crazed mind could come up with was to gently ease one of the sprouts
where no veg had gone before. Unfortunately, alerted by the strange grunts coming from the kitchen the other half chose that moment to come and inve

stigate and was greeted by the sight of me, arse in the air, strawberry ice cream dripping from my bell end pushing a sprout up my arse while muttering “ooooohhh that feels good”.

Understandably this was a shock to her and she let out a scream and as I hadn’t heard her come in it caused an involuntary spasm of shock in myself which resulted in the sprout being ejected at quite some speed in her direction. I can understand that having a sprout fired against your leg at 11 at night in the kitchen probably wasn’t the special surprise she was expecting and having to explain to the kids the next day what the strange hollow in the ice cream was didn’t improve my status…so to sum it up, VEET removes hair, dignity and self-respect......

Funny Shop Prank Call

 

True Story - Few names changed - Quite funny considering that it actually happened - U will know towards the end..

So I call Colombia Picture Palace since they are listed as a company who handle picture framing and the conversation goes something like this:

Colombia Picture Palace (CPP): Hallooo?

Me: Hi, I would like to inquire how much it would cost to mount an A1 sized poster on black box board frame?

CPP: Aaah???

Me: Picture framing, picture framing... you do picture framing?

CPP: Eeeeeerrrrr, ya-ya-ya... wait a minute I'll put!

Me: *listening to "There's No Place Like Home" tin can hold music for 6 minutes* 

CPP: Hallooo?

Me: Yeah, I'm calling about picture framing?

CPP: What framing?

Me: Picture framing!

CPP: We only do glass...

Me: I'm sorry, what?

CPP: Glass, Glass! Only glass doing!

Me: Um, okay... so if I give you a picture, you can't frame it, you'll only put the glass (you can see at this point that Im starting to take the piss out of this guy).

CPP: No not just glass, can give industrial glass. Like building glass, building glass?

Me: Um, okay. Why do I want 'building' glass for my posters?

CPP: No for poster! You put to your building. Like your house? you put to your house.

Me: I dont need glass for my house!

CPP: Then why you calling?

Me: Because your website says you do picture framing!

CPP: I don't know we have website... if its telling there must be boss's work. He also doing one one things.

Me: Can I ask you one thing?

CPP: Tell-tell, anything tell!

Me: Why are you called Colombia Picture Palace?

CPP: That of course I don't know, you have to ask boss.

Me: Where is boss?

CPP: I can't tell. Boss don't like if I tell.

Me: Ah okay. Anyone else is there.

CPP: Boss's wife is there but she wont talk to customers

Me: Okay. So no pictures in Picture Palace?

CPP: Have only one picture sir, that of course cant give!

Me: Okay, I never asked for your picture, but anyway, why can't you give?

CPP: Ah! That is picture of Boss's father. He died. Why you asking for that picture? Who are you? If I tell Boss you are taking that picture he will find you!

Me: (OMG! This guy is freaking out!) I wont take Boss's picture, don't worry!

CPP: Then you are telling like that?

Me: No, no. you didn't understand what I was telling. Anyway, what do you do there?

CPP: I am General Manager!

Me: Ah, good good. Anyway. I'm gonna hang up. Bye. (I don't really hang up but listen to see if he would say anything else)

CPP: Ah okay, okay. Bye!

(A short pause follows and I can here him speaking to someone else, "Are we doing picture framing also?" to which I hear the reply, "Otherwise?"

Me: (Yelling into the mouthpiece) Hello, HELLO!!!

*click*

Few Funnies - Short Jokes - what women think of men

 when girls agree, call, ask, care, understand, sweet, missing, interfering, possessive, love

The breathtaking view of milky way from mars

 Door Bell broken? Here is repair tips !

Policeman: " How high are you ?"
Me: "No officer. It's Hi, how are you ?"

Orgy at the Great Gatsby !

A teacher, during a casual conversation with one of her students, was amazed to hear that, there was an orgy scene in The Great Gatsby. But, she did not have no recollection of it. 

This is how the conversation ended.... 

Student 1 : Seriously, you don't remember that party scene when they were all together and sweaty and stuff ?

Teacher : But how could they have been having an orgy when they were all clothed?

Another Student across the table hears the conversation and decides to add his 2 cents to the topic.

Student 2 : You can have an orgy clothed...it's called a clergy.

 

 

 

Old couple Joke fuel station !

A senior couple pulls up to a gas station:

Attendant: How may I help you?

Old Man: Please fill it up.
Old Lady: What did he say?
Old Man [yelling]: He asked what we wanted and I told him to fill it up.

Attendant: So, where are you heading? 

Old Man: To Chicago to see our Grandchildren.
Old Lady: What did he say?
Old Man [yelling]: He asked where we're going. I told him we're going to see the Grand kids.

Attendant: It sure is a nice day for a drive.

Old Man: Yes, it's been quite pleasant.
Old Lady: What did he say?
Old Man: He said its good weather.

Attendant: Where are you coming from?

Old Man: We started our trip from Pittsburgh.
Old Lady: What did he say?
Old Man: He asked where we're from and I said Pittsburgh.

Attendant: I dated a girl from Pittsburgh once. She talked a lot and was lousy in bed.

Old lady: What did he say?
Old Man: He says he knows you!