50 SHADES OF GREY THE PARODY !

Four men have been going on the same golfing trip to St Andrews for many years. Two days before the group is to leave, Jack's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.

Jack's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do?Two days later, the three get to St Andrews only to find Jack sitting at the R & A bar with four drinks set up!

‘’Wow, Jack, how long have you been here, and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?"

‘’Well, I've been here since last night. Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my living-room chair and my wife came up behind me, put her hands over my eyes and asked, ‘’Guess who?" I pulled her hands off, and there she was, wearing a transparent nightie.

‘’She took my hand and pulled me into our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over the bed.

Well... she has been reading ‘50 Shades of Grey’......

On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did.’’

And then she said, "Do whatever you want."

‘’So --- here I am!’’

Young Lady at Dentist !

ALICE WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR HER FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST. SHE NOTICED HIS DENTAL DIPLOMA, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME.

SUDDENLY, SHE REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK HAIRED GUY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN HER SECONDARY SCHOOL CLASS SOME 40-ODD YEARS AGO.

COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT SHE HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN, SHE WONDERED?

UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, SHE QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT. THIS BALDING, GREY HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS FAR TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN HER CLASSMATE.

AFTER HE EXAMINED HER TEETH, SHE ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK SECONDARY SCHOOL .

'YES, YES I DID. I'M A MORGANNER! 'HE BEAMED WITH PRIDE.

'WHEN DID YOU LEAVE TO GO TO COLLEGE?' ALICE ASKED

HE ANSWERED, IN 1965. WHY DO YOU ASK?

'YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!' ALICE EXCLAIMED.

HE LOOKED AT ALICE CLOSELY.

THEN THE UGLY,
OLD,
BALD,
WRINKLED,
FAT ARSED,
GREY HAIRED,
DECREPIT,
BASTARD ASKED..

'WHAT SUBJECT DID YOU TEACH?

Newtons forgotten Laws !!

Ten Laws Newton Forgot To State.

1. LAW OF QUEUE

If you change queues, the one you have left will start to move faster than the one you are in now.

2. LAW OF TELEPHONE

When you dial a wrong number, you never get an engaged tone.

 3. LAW OF MECHANICAL REPAIR

After your hands become coated with
Grease, your nose will begin to itch.

4. LAW OF THE WORKSHOP

Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

5. LAW OF THE ALIBI

 

If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire.

6. BATH THEOREM 

When the body is immersed in water, the telephone rings.

7. LAW OF ENCOUNTERS

The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen
With.

8. LAW OF THE RESULT

When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will!

9. LAW OF BIOMECHANICS

The severity of the itch is inversely
Proportional to the reach.

10. LAW OF COFFEE

As soon as you sit down for a cup of hot coffee,your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

How can Newton the greatest inventor of our times be left behind.

NEWTON STRIKES BACK WITH LAW NO 11.

THE LAW OF MOTION.

LOOSE MOTION CANNOT BE DONE IN SLOW MOTION!!!

The funny Arrest !!

Math teacher arrested at JFK airport is suspected of belonging to secret terror society  !!!


A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, an ancient wooden device called a “slide-rule” and a calculator.


At a morning press conference, Attorney General Eric Holder said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

“Al-Gebra is a problem for us,” the Attorney General said. “Al-Gebra has terrorized many young people for years. They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values. They use secret code names like ‘X’ and ‘Y’ and refer to themselves as ‘unknowns,’ but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.”


As the Greek philosopher Isosceles used to say, “There are 3 sides to every triangle.'” When asked to comment on the arrest, President Obama said, “If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, he would have given us more fingers and toes.”


White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the President.

It is believed that another Nobel Prize will follow.

To Be 8 again !

I was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching my wife, Vicky who was looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not  far off I asked what she'd like to have for her birthday.

'I'd like to be eight again', she replied, still looking in the mirror .

On the morning of her Birthday, I arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her to Adventure World theme park. What a day! I put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.

Five hours later we staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. I then took her to a McDonald's and ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favourite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!


Finally she wobbled home and collapsed into bed exhausted.


I leaned over my wife & with a big smile lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being eight again?
  
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.

'I meant my dress size, you FUCKING idiot!!!!'


The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.

Wives Love their Husbands !

A group of women were at a seminar on “How to live in a loving relationship with your husband”. 

The women were asked, "How many of you love your husband?"

All the women raised their hands.

"When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?"
 
Some women answered today, a few yesterday and some couldn't remember.

The women were then told to text their husband: "I love you, sweetheart."

The women were then told to exchange phones with another person, and to read aloud the text
message they received, in response.

Here are some of the replies:
1. Who the hell is this?
2. Are you sick or what?
3. Love you too. What's up with you??
4. What now? Have you crashed the car again?
5. I don't understand what you mean?
6. What the f**k did you do now?
7. You're kidding me?
8. Don't bullshit me. How much do you need.
9. Are you for real?
10. If you don't tell me who this message is really for, someone will pay!
11. I thought we agreed you wouldn't drink during the day.
12. Your mother’s coming to stay with us, isn't she?

PROSTATE PROBLEMS!!!

NO WONDER SO MANY OLDER GUYS RECKON THEY HAVE
PROSTATE PROBLEMS!!!

An old guy goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the Urologist as a precaution.
 
When he gets there, he discovers the Urologist is a very pretty female doctor.

The female doctor says,"I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to.

I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say,  '99'.

The old guy obeys and says, "99".
 

The doctor says, "Great", now turn over on your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say, '99".
 

Again, the old guy says, ''99'."

The doctor said, “Very good”. Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly.
 

I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your penis  to keep it out of the way. 

Now take a deep breath and say, '99'.

The old guy begins,
"One....
  two…
  three…"

You don't stop laughing because you grow old.
You grow old because you stop laughing!

Americans Girls should Marry fellow Americans !