Illegal Drugs found in Ranch

A DEA (Drug Enforcement Agency) officer stopped at a ranch in Texas, and talked with an old rancher. 
He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."

The rancher said, "Okay, but don't go in that field over there.....," as he pointed out the location.        

The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!"     

Reaching into his rear pants pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher.        

"See this fucking badge?!  This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land !! No questions asked or answers given!!  Have I made myself clear......do you understand ?!!"  

The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores.     

A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull......

With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety.  The officer was clearly terrified.

The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs.....                        

(I just love this part....)             

"Your badge, show him your fucking BADGE........ ! !"

How to select your future Wife !

Some Marriage Humor again. This time, it's on how to choose your wife. What are the criteria and where do we head after marriage !!

You will realize that !

Here's the story !

And the starching reality !!

Funny Pictures !

Some pics I got from a board on Pinit. Re-pin if you think this is funny. Also, click on image for a larger picture.... the larger the picture, funnier it is !!

Definitions to Laugh !

Just for Laughs

What do men do after sex? 2% eat; 3% smoke cigarettes; 4% take a shower; 5% go to sleep and 86% get up and go back home to their wives.   AGES OF VAGINA: 16 TO 19     BRAND NEW. 20 TO 28     SLIGHTLY USED 29 TO 36     SECOND HAND  37 TO 45     SUBJECT TO REPAIR 46 TO 55     FOR LUBRICATION 56 TO 60     TOTAL WRECK 61 TO 70     CLOSED FOR  RENOVATION!!!!!!! =================================== Why is your penis better than a credit card?  (a)   Once spent it recharges itself.  (b)   It is accepted worldwide. (c)   You can let your wife use it as much as she wants. =================================== LITTLE GIRL:     Mommy, I just found out that our                       neighbour's son has a penis like a peanut! MUM:               You mean it's small? LITTLE GIRL:      No it's salty!!! =================================== A couple recently married was happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the hole, and she was happy with the thing. =================================== A man was carrying 3 babies in a train. The lady sitting next to him asked: Are they your babies? MAN: No, I work in a condom factory and these are customer COMPLAINTS. =================================== Women top 5 lies:  from the whitest down 5.   I am a virgin.   4.   It is so big. 3.   I can't do that to my best friend. 2.   I won't gain weight after marriage 1.   I am coming! I am coming!!! =================================== A guy goes up to a girl in a bar and says: You want to play magic. She says: What is that? He says: We go Home, screw, and then you disappear.  =================================== What is the closest thing to a woman's period? Your SALARY... It comes once a month, lasts 4 or 5 days, and if it doesn't come, you are F*CKED!!! =================================== Teacher asked: Which part of the body goes to heaven first?   A Kid replied : The legs...because every night I see my mum's legs up high and screaming "OH GOD! I'M COMING". =================================== Teacher: Why did you bring your cat to school? Pupil : Because I heard my sister's boyfriend  say,  "TONIGHT I WILL EAT YOUR PUSSY". =================================== What's the difference between a panty and a stage curtain?  Answer : When you pull down the stage curtain, show is over, but when you pull down the PANTY... IT'S SHOWTIME.  =================================== MUM: Didn't I tell you if a stranger touches your breast say "DON'T".  And if he touches your pussy say STOP! GIRL : But mum, he touched both, so I told him  DON'T STOP!!!!" =================================== GIRLS REACTION TO PENIS SIZES 9 INCHES -      Oh Shit, pain!! 7 INCHES -      Oh, I'm in heaven 6 INCHES -      OH PERFECT 5 INCHES -      UMMMM OK  4 INCHES -      PUSH MORE 3 INCHES -      IS THAT IN??? 2 INCHES -      IDIOT!! JUST USE YOUR TONGUE!!! Morris  returns from the doctor and tells his wife that  the Doctor  has told him that he has only 24 hours to  live. Given  the prognosis, Morris Asks his wife for  sex. Naturally,  she agrees, so they make love. About 6 hours later,  the Husband goes to his wife and  says, 'Honey,  you know I now have Only 18 hours to  live. Could  we please do it one more  time?' Of  course, the wife agrees, and they do it  again. Later,  as the man gets into bed, he looks at  his watch and  realizes that he now has Only 8 hours  left. He  touches his wife's shoulder and  asks, 'Honey,  please... Just one More time before I  die.' She  says, 'Of course, Dear,' and they make  love for the third time. After  this session, the wife rolls over and  falls to sleep. Morris,  however, worried about his impending  death, tosses  and turns, until he's down to 4 more  hours. He  taps his wife, who rouses. "Honey, I  have only 4 more hours. Do  you think  we Could...' At  this point the wife sits up and says,  'Listen Morris, enough is  enough. I  have to get up in the morning... You  don't.'

The Best vehicle in the WORLD !

Women are the best vehicles in the World

 

 

 

Two beautiful headlights in the front

 

A great bumper in the back

 

Self lubricating when HOT, finger touch ignition

 

Automatic engine oil change every month

 

Any type of piston fits

 

Multiple seating styles and adjustments

 

Comes with great accessories

 

Has highest mileage in 9 months in just 5 ml

 

That's why men are dying to get a ride

 

 

A Few Rules to Follow around the House - Funny !

FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW FOR A HAPPY LIFE: 

1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks from time to time, cleans up, and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.
3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust, and doesn't lie to you.
4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed, and likes to be with you. 

5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other (or you will end up Iron Man 3 - do your own ironing :( )

When Having a Puppy in House,

1. You wake every morning to a healthy game of "Can you find your slippers ?"
2. Pee patches in your house show you exactly where the floor is sloped wrong.
3. Furniture becomes the best ever chew toys
4. You get woken up in bed at 3 am for play time ( and then again at 4. 30 am )
5. The kid's name and the puppy's get constantly mixed up. ( 
you even use the same tone of voice )

 6. Weekends out are no longer an option 
7. Any Long dress item is not an option
8. The canine time-space continuum seems to create 'black holes' behind couches, cupboards and beds into which various items are dragged never to be seen again
9. The pup sometimes gets a 3 course meal while you are expected to make do with bread and .... ( well something ! )
10. Remote controls, Mobile phones and pencil cases are considered fair game

Funny English language

The English Plural We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes,But the plural of ox becomes oxen, not oxes.One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,Yet the plural of moose should never be meese.You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice,Yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.

If the plural of man is always called men, Why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?If I speak of my foot and show you my feet,And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,Why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?
 

Then one may be that, and there would be those, Yet hat in the plural would never be hose,And the plural of cat is cats, not cose.We speak of a brother and also of brethren,But though we say mother, we never say methren.Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,But imagine the feminine: she, shis and shim!

Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger;Neither apple nor pine in pineapple.English muffins weren't invented in England.

We take English for granted, but if we explore its paradoxes, We find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square,And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.And why is it that writers write, but fingers don't fing,Grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?

 

Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them,What do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

Sometimes I think all the folks who grew up speaking English Should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.In what other language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?

We ship by truck but send cargo by ship... We have noses that run and feet that smell.We park in a driveway and drive in a parkway.And how can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same,While a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language In which your house can burn up as it burns down, In which you fill in a form by filling it out,And in which an alarm goes off by going on. And in closing..........

If Father is Pop, how come Mother's not Mop.???

 

Latest research results On Beer

Beer contains female hormones!

Yes, that's right, FEMALE hormones!

Last month, Montreal University and scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption.

The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain Phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.

To test the theory, 100 men each drank 8 schooners of beer within a one (1) hour period.

It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects, yes, 100% of all these men:

1) Argued over nothing.

2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.

3) Gained weight.

4) Talked excessively without making sense.

5) Became overly emotional.

6) Couldn't drive.

7) Failed to think rationally.

8) Had to sit down while urinating.

No further testing was considered necessary!