Funny Tombstones and Grave Yards....

Aren't they Hillarious ??

Seven Kinds Of Sex....

The 1st kind of sex is called ... Smurf Sex.


This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called ... Kitchen Sex.


This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so needy you will have Sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called ... Bedroom Sex.


This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called ... Hallway Sex.


This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say ... 'F**k You.'

The 5th kind of sex is called ... Religious Sex.


Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night. (Very Popular)

The 6th kind is called ... Courtroom Sex.


This is when you cannot stand your wife/husband any more. She/he takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.

And . Last ... But not least ...






The 7th kind of sex is called ... Social Security Sex.


You get a little each month. But not enough to enjoy your self.




WHAT STAGE YOU ARE IN ??

Vasline for Gay's and Funny Cartoons !

One day a gay man goes in for his doctor's appointment and asks the doctor: "Do you have anything to make hair grow on my chest?"

The doctor immediately grabs a jar of Vaseline and says:  "If you get a friend to rub this on your chest everyday, within a month or two you'll start to see some growth."


The man replies, "Well if that was true, I'd have a pony tail coming out my ass!"

Tickle Me Elmo !!!

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys.. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.



Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.


The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new Employee.


He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.


The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.


At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.


The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena .


'I'm sorry,' he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, 'but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday...'



'Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.

The Cheating Husband

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.

And she was upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!'

And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened.'

'Go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'

And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.

I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.

So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.

Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.

Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight.

I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.

I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.'

The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said,

"Please .... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?"

The Italian Priests Ordination !

A set of Italian priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy, beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them.

Each priest had a small bell attached to his weenie, and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.

The beautiful model danced before the first candidate with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest, Carlos.

Poor Carlos. As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off, clattering across the ground and laid to rest in nearby foliage.

Embarrassed, Carlos quickly scrambled to where the bell came to rest. He bent over to pick it up...

and all the other bells started to ring.

Balls Vs. Gutts & A few Definitions

There is a medical distinction. We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definitions are listed below:

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the boys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: ''Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?''

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the boys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the arse and having the balls to say: ''You're next, fatty.''

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically

speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately result in death.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

 
ADULT
 
A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
 

BEAUTY PARLOUR
 
A place where women curl up and dye.



CHICKENS
 
The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
 
COMMITTEE
 
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
 
DUST
 
Mud with the juice squeezed out.
 
EGOTIST
 
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
 
HANDKERCHIEF

Cold Storage.
 
INFLATION
 
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
 
MOSQUITO
 
An insect that makes you like flies better.
 
RAISIN
 
A grape with a sunburn.
 
SECRET
 
Something you tell to one person at a time.
 
SKELETON
 
A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.
 
TOOTHACHE
 
The pain that drives you to extraction.
 
TOMORROW
 
One of the greatest labour saving devices of today.
 
YAWN
 
An honest opinion openly expressed. 

WRINKLES
 
Something other people have, 
Similar to my character lines.

Leslie Nielsen - A Tribute to a Great Comedian !

The Canadian-born actor, who starred in dozens of comedic and dramatic roles over his 60-year career in film and television, died at a hospital near his Fort Lauder-dale home after a battle with pneumonia.

Nielsen was known for his deadpan, slap-stick comedy in a number of police and detective spoofs, most notably three "Naked Gun" films. Here, we look at some of Nielsen's greatest lines & Quotes:

 "Wrongfully Accused" (1998), as Detective Ryan Harrison

 

Ryan Harrison: Your dog sure has a surprised look on his face.
Lauren: That's because you're looking at his butt.
Ryan Harrison: Uh, then he's certainly not going to enjoy that treat I just fed to him.

---
Ryan Harrison: Your lies are like bananas. They come in big yellow bunches.

---
Ryan Harrison: Women and me are like water and fire: wet and flammable.

"Spy Hard" (1996), as Dick Steele, Agent WD-40 

 

 

Dick Steele, Agent WD-40: Operator, get me Washington.
Operator: George?
Dick Steele, Agent WD-40: D.C.

Veronique Ukrinsky, Agent 3.14: Have a nice flight, and I wish you adieux.
Dick Steele, Agent WD-40: Thank you, but I am quite satisfied with the do I have.

"Dracula, Dead and Loving It" (1995) as Count Dracula

 

 

Lover at Picnic: Would you care for some wine?
Dracula: I never drink wine ... oh, what the hell. Let me try it.

"Naked Gun 33 1/3: The Final Insult" (1994) as Lt. Frank Drebin

 

 

Lt. Frank Drebin: Like a midget at a urinal, I was going to have to stay on my toes.

---
Lt. Frank Drebin: Cheer up, Ed. This is not goodbye. It's just I won't ever see you again.

---
Lt. Frank Drebin: Well ... We shot a lot of people together. It's been great. But today I retire, so if I do any shooting now, it'll have to be within the confines of my own home. Hopefully, an intruder and not an in-law, like at my bachelor party.

"The Naked Gun 2½: The Smell of Fear" (1991) as Lt. Frank Drebin

 

Lt. Frank Drebin: Oh, it's all right. I'm sure that we can handle this situation maturely, just like the responsible adults that we are. Isn't that right, Mr. ... Poopy Pants?

---
Lt. Frank Drebin: Looks like the cows have come home to roost.

---
Quentin Hapsburg: I don't recall your name on the guest list.
Lt. Frank Drebin: That's OK. I sometimes go by my maiden name.

---
Lt. Frank Drebin: [describing Jane; voice-over] I couldn't believe it was her. It was like a dream. But there she was, just as I remembered her. That delicately beautiful face. And a body that could melt a cheese sandwich from across the room. And breasts that seemed to say ... "Hey! Look at these!" She was the kind of woman who made you want to drop to your knees and thank God you were a man! She reminded me of my mother, all right. No doubt about it.
Ed Hocken: Frank, snap out of it! You're looking at her like she was your mother for Christ's sake!

"The Naked Gun: From the Files of Police Squad!" (1988) as Lt. Frank Drebin

 

Lt. Frank Drebin: Jane, since I've met you, I've noticed things that I never knew were there before... birds singing, dew glistening on a newly formed leaf, stoplights.

---
Lt. Frank Drebin: Protecting the queen's safety is a task that is gladly accepted by Police Squad. No matter how silly the idea of having a queen might be to us, as Americans, we must be gracious and considerate hosts.

---
Jane: How about a rain check?
Lt. Frank Drebin: Well, let's just stick to dinner.

---
Lt. Frank Drebin: [narrating as he walks through town] The attempt on Nordberg's life left me shaken and disturbed, and all the questions kept coming up over and over again, like bubbles in a case of club soda. Who was this character in the hospital? And why was he trying to kill Nordberg? And for whom? Did Ludwig lie to me? I didn't have any proof, but somehow, I didn't entirely trust him either. Why was the 'I Luv You' not listed in Ludwig's records? And if it was, did he know about it? And if he didn't, who did? And where the hell was I?

 

"Airplane!" (1980) as Dr. Rumack

 

 

Rumack: The life of everyone on board depends upon just one thing: finding someone back there who can not only fly this plane, but who didn't have fish for dinner.
---

Rumack: Can you fly this plane, and land it?
Ted Striker: Surely you can't be serious.
Rumack: I am serious ... and don't call me Shirley.

Rumack: You'd better tell the captain we've got to land as soon as we can. This woman has to be gotten to a hospital.
Elaine Dickinson: A hospital? What is it?
Rumack: It's a big building with patients, but that's not important right now.

 

May You Rest In Peace !

 

Another Little Jhonny Joke

Little Susie was not the best student in Catholic School . Usually she slept through the class.

One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping.

'Tell me Susie, who created the universe?'

When Susie didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting beside her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.

'God Almighty!' shouted Susie.

The Nun said, 'Very good' and continued teaching her class..

A little later the Nun asked Susie, 'Who is our Lord and Saviour?'

But Susie didn't stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck her in the butt.

'Jesus Christ!!!' shouted Susie.

And the Nun once again said, 'Very good,' and Susie fell back asleep.

The Nun asked her a third question...'What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'

Again, Johnny came to the rescue. This time Susie jumped up and shouted, 'If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'

 The nun fainted.

Funny Answers at School