Cheating Wife Funnies

A Man get's a MMS message from his Freind with the following picture and text saying - "I am at your house. Having Loads of Fun. You should come here soon"

The Man is disgusted and angered about his wife's actions. He returns home immediately after work. Starts beating the wife.

The Wife askes "What have I done to deserve this?"

He shows the Picture to the Wife stating "I know what you were up to"

The Wife calmly zooms out the photograph and he sees this....

Then, She slaps the Husband and says "You Missed your Son's Birthday you misserable Squeek"

London Olympics 2012 - The Funny Side

We got a rare opportunity to capture the British practicing for the London lympics in 2012 over the past few weeks. While the London olympic Mascots Wenlock and Mandeville (for Paralympics) looked ridiculous, the events included the Shotput, athletics, swimming and many more events.

Let's see the enthusiastic Londoners or basically Britishers practice for their Olympics. i am not sure how many of them will get selected to the 2012 English Olympic team though......

See them in action at the Olympic Games by clicking here !!!

Judo Indeed will be a good Gold medal hope for the English

though i have my doubts about the Weight lifting Category - I would say Not enough weight !! 

Nevermind the Shot, the Put looks as small as an English dick !! 

I wouldn't mind catching a diving British Whore !!

The British indeed know how to create Hurdles than Jump over them.

I would seriosuly like to see this guy at the Olympics of London 2012

Post during Olympics - 31st July 2012

See them in action at the Olympic Games by clicking here !!!

Funny How Things Change as I grow Up !

When I was a KID:

Sex meant GENDER,


Pussy meant CAT,

Cock meant ROOSTER,


Chick meant YOUNG BIRD,

 Bitch was a FEMALE DOG,


Dick was a NAME,

 BJ was a NICK-NAME,


Bang was a SOUND,

 Rubber was just like PLASTIC,


Ass was an ANIMAL,

 

Screw was just a NUT,

69 was just a number

 

Tit was a SNACK,

but things are complicated these days!!!"

Doctor Patient Joke Cockeyed !

A young woman visited her eye doctor complaining of failing eyesight. The doctor sat her in front of a standard eye chart.

Doctor: "Can you read the bottom line?"

Girl: "No."

"Can you read the center line?"

"No."

"Can you read the large top line?"

"No. "

"Can you even see the chart?"

"No."

The doctor is clearly frustrated and whips his penis out of his pants. "Can you see this?"

"Of course!"

"Well, there's your problem - you're cock-eyed!"

Funny King Arthur Story !

This is quite interesting and very funny ...... And so true!!! Take time off to read till the end ....






(To women) Please take time to ponder.....


(To men) Just enjoy the story......

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom.. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.


The question was: What do women really want?


Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man. And to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end. He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men, and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer. Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer. But the price would be high as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.


The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but first he would have to agree to her price. The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble o f the Knights of the Round Table, and Arthur's closest friend! Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunch-backed and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.. He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden.


But Lancelot, having learnt of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life. And the reservation of the Round Table. Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered.


Arthur's question thus: 'What a woman really wants?'


She said, 'A woman wants to be in charge of her own life.'


Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth, and that Arthur's life would be spared. And so it was.


The neighbouring monarch granted Arthur his freedom. And Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.

The honeymoon hour app roached and, Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen was sitting by the bed.


The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened. The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth become her horrible and deformed self only half the time, and be the beautiful maiden the other half.


'Which would you prefer?' She asked him. 'Beautiful during the day.... or at night?'


Lancelot pondered the predicament.


During the day he could have a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch!


Or,


would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day?


But by night a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous moments with?


(If you are a man reading this...) What would YOUR choice be?


(If you are a woman reading this...) What would YOUR MAN'S choice be?


And Lancelot's choice is given below...


BUT... please make YOUR choice first before you scroll down below... OKAY?


Knowing the answer the witch gave to Arthur for his question, Sir Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.


Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time.. Because, he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.


Now... what is the moral to this story? (This is the funny Part)


The moral is...


1) There is 'witch' in every woman, no matter how beautiful she is !


2) If you don't let a woman have her own way, things are going to get ugly !


So, be careful how you treat a woman and always remember IT IS EITHER ' HER WAY ' OR IT IS ' NO WAY '

Funny English Cricketers !!

Just love English cricket!








The thinnest guy on the team is called Broad,

The ugliest - Swann,

The guy that fields behind is called Prior,

The guy whose father is John is called Peterson,

The guy whose father is Luke is called Anderson,

The slowest fielder is Trott; and then they got one right--

The dumbest guy is called Bell.

Most importantly, Half the Guys are Either South African or Irish
God Save the Queen !!!
That's English!!


Think About It.

Sales Lady Playing Golf !

JUST for LAUGH




A guy was playing golf one day and he got lost. He saw a lady up ahead of him and went to her and said, "Can you please help me, I don't know what Hole I'm on."

She told him "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 7; you're on 6." He thanked her and continued playing golf.

Later, he got lost again. He saw the same lady and went to her again kind of embarrassed. "I'm sorry to bother you again but I'm lost; can you please tell me what hole I'm on."

She told him, "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 14; you are on 13."

Again, he thanked her and continued playing golf.

When he finished he saw her in the clubhouse. He went up to her and asked if he could buy her a drink for helping him out. She accepted. As they were drinking and talking, he asked her what she did for a living.

"I am in sales," she said.

He replied, "No kidding; so am I ! "What do you sell?"

She responded that it was too embarrassing to tell; but after he kept pleading to know what she sold, she finally said that she would tell him if he promised not to laugh. He promised.

She said, "I sell sanitary napkins."

He immediately fell to the floor laughing hysterically.

She said, "You promised you wouldn't laugh".

He replied (still with tears in his eyes), "I'm sorry, but I couldn't help it. I sell toilet paper..... I am still one Hole behind you!."

Best of husband and wife Jokes !

01.Husband: I divorced my wife on the first night.


Friend: Why?

Husband: I saw the label on her panty, "Tested OK by Calvin Klien."



02. Husband: Ya, my wife is very scared of water!

Friend: How did you know?

Husband: When I got home twice, I saw her having a bath with the security guard.


03.The nurse was taking a blood sample from the Husband. She held his finger and squeezed it for blood. So Husband laughed and Wife was all upset.

Nurse: Why did you laugh?

Husband: Because it's the urine test next!


04. Husband & wife were having dinner together.

Wife: Darling, tell me something that would make me both happy & sad.

Husband: Your nipples R better than your sister's!


05. On the first night of the marriage the husband gives the wife Rs.5000/= and says

"I have never done this for free". The

wife returns Rs.2000/= and says

"I have not charged more than this before!".

Funny Sayings, Proverbs and Profound Statements !

Wisdom in Profound Truths.....!




Sex is the only activity where you start at the top and work your way to the bottom, while getting a raise.


Good friends are like condoms; they protect you when things get hard.


Without nipples, breasts would be pointless.



Masturbation is like procrastination, it's all good and fun until you realize you are only screwing yourself.



Without a doubt, women are the foundation stone of society; but always remember who laid them!!!


Money is just like an arse .. everybody has it, but ... nobody wants to give it !!!


Men play the game. Women know the score.


Wives are funny creatures .... Wives don't have sex with their husbands for weeks and then they want to kill the woman who does.!?!?


This is the most profound statement !


Whenever you feel low, depressed or useless, remember that you have the same sperm that won a battle against a millions of others.


The most enjoyable form of sex education is the Braille method.


Here is the definition of divorce ... She gets the ring and the man gets the finger!!!


Mahatma Gandhi says..........'man who puts his hand in the bush is not always a gardener!!!'.

Funny Grandma's Letter to Grand Daughter - Hawaiian Good Luck Sign

 Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes:


Dear Granddaughter,

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a 'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker.

I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting. So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper. Boy, am I glad I did! What an uplifting experience followed.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed. I found that lots of people love Jesus!

While I was sitting there, the guy behind me started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of God!' - 'Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'

What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!

Everyone started honking! I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love !

There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach.

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.

I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant. He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back.

My grandson burst out laughing. Why, even he was enjoying this religious experience!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on through the intersection.

I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared.

So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!

Will write again soon.

Love, Grandma

Honorable Men !

OK here is a Must Read for Every Man and of course Woman (to understand man)

If a female is reading this article then just realize the value of a man; and if its a male then feel proud of after reading it!

"One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river. When he cried out, an angel appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?"

The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water, and he needed the axe to make his living.

The angel went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe. "Is this your axe?" the angel asked.

The woodcutter replied, "No."

The angel again went down and came up with a silver Axe. "Is this your axe?" the angel asked.

Again, the woodcutter replied, "No."

The angel went down again and came up with an iron Axe. "Is this your axe?" the angel asked.

The woodcutter replied, "Yes."

The angel was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.

Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank, and his wife fell into the river. When he cried out, the angel again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?"

"Oh angel, my wife has fallen into the water!"

The angel went down into the water and came up with ANGELINA JOLIE

"Is this your wife?" the angel asked.

"Yes," cried the woodcutter.

The angel was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"

The woodcutter replied, "Oh, forgive me, my angle. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to ANGELINA JOLIE, You would have come up with CAMERON DIAZ. Then if I said 'no' to her, you would have come up with my wife . Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Angel, I am a poor man, and am not able to take care of all three wives, so THAT'S why I said yes to ANGELINA JOLIE ."

The moral of this story is: Whenever a man lies, it is for a good and honorable reason, and for the benefit of others.

Another funny GOD joke !

GOD speaks out :- "I want the men to form two queues. One queue for men who had control over their women and the other one for the men who were controlled by their women.

Also, I want all the women to go away so that no man and woman can talk.

God returns, the women are gone, and there are two queues.

The queue for men who were controlled by their women is 10 miles long, and in the queue for men who had control over their women there is only one man.

God is flabbergasted and says, " All you men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image, and you were all controlled by your women. Only one of my sons stood up and made me proud. Learn from him!"

"Tell them, my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this queue?"

The man replies, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here.”

Don't step on the ducks in heaven !

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, 'We only have one rule here in heaven - Don't step on the ducks!'

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place.

It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them,  the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.

St. Peter chains them together and says, 'Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!'

The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing.
With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.

She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but, one day St.Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on.... Very tall, long eyelashes, muscular.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The happy woman says, 'I wonder what I did to deserve being Chained to you for all of eternity?'

The guy says, 'I don't know about you, But I stepped on a Duck !!!!!!!!!!

Irony of Men - How god created Man to live long.

On the first day, God created the dog and said:


'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'

The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?'

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said:

'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.'

The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?'

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said:

'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.'

The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years.. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created humans and said:

'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.'

But the human said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'

'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family.. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren.. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Funny Office Documentation

See How people write leave Applications. It's murder of English language. But Too Funny. Just Read It. The Leave Applications.................



"Since I have to go to my village to sell my land along with my wife, please sanction me one-week leave."

-------------------------

"as I want to shave my son's head, please leave me for two days.."

------------------------

"as I am marrying my daughter, please grant a week's leave.."

-----------------------

"As my mother-in-law has expired and I am only one responsible for it, please grant me 10 days leave."

------------------------

"Since I've to go to the cremation ground at 10 o-clock and I may not return, please grant me half day casual leave"

------------------------

"I am suffering from fever, please declare one-day holiday."

------------------------

"As I am studying in this school I am suffering from headache. I request you to leave me today"

------------------------

"As my headache is paining, please grant me leave for the day."

------------------------

• Covering note: "I am enclosed herewith..."

------------------------

"Dear Sir: with reference to the above, please refer to my below..."

-----------------------

"My wife is suffering from sickness and as I am her only husband at home I may be granted leave".

-----------------------

Letter writing:- "I am well here and hope you are also in the same well."

-------------------------

A candidate's job application:

"This has reference to your advertisement calling for a ' Typist and an Accountant - Male or Female'... As I am both(!! )for the past several years and I can handle both with good experience, I am applying for the post. "

Maria the Latino Servant !

Maria - A Sexy Latino Servant in a Posh American neigbourhood asked for a pay increase from the rich Housewife who has employed her.


The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.

She asked:

'Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?'

Maria: 'Well, Mam, there are THREE REASONS why I want an increase.

The first is that I iron better than you.'

Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?'

Maria: 'Your husband say so.'

Wife: 'Oh.'


Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.

Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you are a better cook than me?'

Maria: 'Your husband did.'

Wife: 'Oh.



Maria: 'The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in bed.

Wife: (really furious now) 'Ah! Did my husband say that as well?'

Maria: 'No Mam... Your driver says'.

Wife: 'Ok Ok, So how much do you want?

Funny Love Letter from a Computer Programer !

Ultimate Love Letter by a Computer Programer !!!

Sweetheart ,I`ve seen you yesterday while surfing on the local train platform and realized that you are the only site I was browsing for. For a long time I`ve been lonely; this has been the bug in my life and you can be a real debugger for me now.

My life is an uncompiled program without you, which never produces an executable code and hence is useless. You are not only beautiful by face but all your ActiveX controls are attractive as well.Your smile is so delightful. It encourages me and gives me power equal to thousands of mainframes processing power.

When you looked at me last evening, I felt like all my program modules are running smoothly and giving expected results. /*which I never experienced before.*/ With this letter, I just want to convey to you that if we are linked together, I¡¯ll provide you all objects & libraries necessary for a human being to live an error free life.

Also don`t bother about the firewall which may be created by our parents as I¡¯ve strong hacking capabilities by which I`ll ultimately break their security passwords and make them agree for our marriage. I anticipate that nobody has already logged in to your database so that my connect script will fail. And its all but certain that if this happened to me, my system will crash beyond recovery. Kindly interpret this letter properly and grant me all privileges of your inbox. Error free...

Regards,
Software Programmer
Today This company - Tomorrow That Company - But always want ur company!


Error! Filename not specified.

More Husband and Wife Funny Jokes !!

Why are wives more dangerous than the Mafia?

The mafia wants either ur money or life...

The wives want both!


=================================

Marriage is like a public toilet.

Those waiting outside are desperate to get in &

Those inside are desperate to come out.

=================================

No Man Can Ever Be Satisfied with 4 things in life.

(1) Mobile

(2) Automobile

(3) TV

(4) Wife

Because there is always a better model in neighborhood.

================================

Searching these keywords on Google `How to tackle wife?`

Google search result, `Good day sir, Even we are searching`.

=================================

Compromising does not mean you are wrong and your wife is right. It only means that the safety of your head is much more important than your ego!

=================================

Imagine living with 3 wives in one compound and never leaving the house for 5 years. Osama Bin Laden must have called the US Navy Seals himself!

=================================

Whisky is a brilliant invention. One double and you start feeling single again.

=================================

A friend recently explained why he refuses to get married. He says the wedding rings look like miniature handcuffs.

=================================

It is said that when a woman closes her eyes, she sees the person she love the most; and when a man does that... the slide show begins.

=================================

It takes thousand workers 2 build a castle, Million soldiers to protect a country, but just One woman to make a Happy Home --------- A Good Maid!

The Boy Who is too Smart to be in the 1st Garde !

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, 'Trevor, what's your problem?'

Trevor answered,'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Trevor to the principal's office.

While Trevor waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Trevor was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?'
Trevor : '9.'

Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?'
Trevor : '36.'

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know. The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Trevor can go to the 3rd grade.'

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions.'

The principal and Trevor both agreed.

Ms.. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'
Trevor, after a moment: 'Legs.'

Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Trevor replied: 'Pockets.'

Ms.Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'
Trevor : 'Pants.'

Ms.Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?'
Trevor: 'Coconut.'

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Trevor replied, 'Bubble gum.'
Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'
Trevor : 'Shake hands.'

The principal was trembling.
Ms.Brooks:'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'
Trevor : 'Firetruck.'

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher,

'Put Trevor in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong......'

Bubble in the Bath Tub !

A new lady teacher came to teach 8th standard students.


As it was the first day, she gave her intro, and asked all the students to Introduce themselves with name and hobby.

She said, " Let's start with the boys first." Boys start giving their intro... First boy: "My name is John, and my hobby is to see bubble in the bathtub.

" Teacher was confused to listen but said, "Interesting. Well, Ok. In fact, we must be honest in telling the hobby. And after all there is essentially a child in each of us. So it's ok John.

Yes next." Second boy: "Myself Peter and my hobby is to see bubble in the bathtub." Teacher now got surprised and said, "Good.I like the spirit of supporting a friend.

Ok next. " Third boy: "I'm Smith and my hobby is to see bubble in the bathtub." Teacher: "Guys are you joking or what? Please be sincere. Ok next." This continues... and the last boy stands up "I'm Harry and my hobby is to see bubble in the Bathtub. " Exhausted, the teacher said, "I don't think I will be able to teach un-grown boys for long.

Anyway, now the girls please. " First girl: "I'm Julie and my hobby is to see birds." Teacher: "Good. At last I got something different. Ok next." Second girl: "I'm Ruby and I like to collect perfumes." Teacher "Now it's like educated grown up girls. Ok next. You sweet girl; Yes you... " Most beautiful girl of the class: "Madam, my name is 'Bubble', and my hobby is to take bath three times a day." Teacher Fainted!!! "

Husband and Wife Funny Joke !

A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the Head with a frying pan.

'What was that for?' the man asked..

The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'.

The man then said 'When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on'

The wife apologized and went on with the housework.

Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.

Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.

Wife replied. 'Your horse phoned!’

Chinese Joke - Woman in Laundry

A woman was unhappy with the way her laundry was done at the local Chinese Laundry, so she wrote a note and put it in the bag with the next collection of soiled clothes:


'USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!'

She got the clean laundry back, and was still dissatisfied with the results, so, the following week she enclosed another note:

'USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!'

The Chinese laundry man became very annoyed, and when her clean Laundry was delivered, it contained a note from him:

'I USE PLENTY SOAP ON PANTIES!

USE MORE PAPER ON ASS!'

The Naked Prostitutes in a Garage Sale

 
One day, while going to the shop, I passed by a retirement village. On the front lawn were six old ladies, lying naked on the grass.

I thought this was a bit unusual, but continued on my way.

On my return trip, I passed the same retirement village with the same six old ladies lying naked on the lawn.

This time my curiosity got the better of me and I went inside to talk to the retirement village Administrator, and asked her? 

Do you know there are six ladies lying naked on your front lawn?

Yes,' she said, "aren't they darlings??

They're retired prostitutes - they're having a garage sale.

When to Quit ??? Know When to !

A swift lesson in management


A guy had his member 25-inch long, fed up he went to a doctor and said, I can't live with this anymore! It's too long."

The doctor replied, "I can't do anything for you, but if you see the witch doctor in the woods, she can help you."

So,he went into the jungle and saw the witch doctor.

The witch doctor said, "Go into the swamp and you will find a female frog there. Ask her to marry you..she'll say "No".. and you'll lose 5 inches off your member!"

So, he went to the swamp and found the frog and asked her,"Will you marry me?"

"No!", she said and He lost 5 inches off his member!

The guy liked the results, and thought, 20 inches is just too much. So he asked the frog again, "Will you marry me?"

The frog said,"No!" and the guy lost another 5 inches.

He thought, God, 15 inches is great! But 10 inches would just be perfect. So he asked again, "Will you marry me?"

And the frog said, "How many time do I have to tell you . .. NO! NO! NO!"

Moral : Know When to Quit!

Today's Generations

Six year old boy to a four year old boy: Dude, I found a Condom in the balcony.

Four year old boy: What's a balcony ?



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Everything on a woman's upper body starts with a "B" - Ex. Blouse, Bra, Bikini , Boobs.
& the lower body with a "P" - Ex Petticoat, Pants, Panties, Pussy.

No wonder men suffer from high BP (Blood Pressure) !!

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A girlfriend sends the following msg;



My love.............
If ur sleeping; send me ur dreams
If ur smiling; send me ur smile
If ur crying; send me ur tears
I love u......

He replied;

I'm in the toilet
What do i send..........?

Husband Teaching Wife to fry Eggs !

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs 4 her husband.


Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW ! We need more butter. Oh my GOD ! WHERE r we going 2 get MORE BUTTER? They're going 2 STICK ! Careful . CAREFUL ! I said be CAREFUL! U NEVER listen 2 me when u're cooking ! Never !

Turn them! Hurry up! r u CRAZY ? Have u LOST ur mind ? Don't forget 2 salt them. You know u always forget that. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT !

The wife stared at him. "What is wrong with you? You think I don't know how 2 fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted 2 show you what it feels like when I'm driving." ;->

Old Men should not Marry Young Gals !

He's 80, she's 20.

It was the stir of the town when an 80 year old man married a 20 year old girl.

After a year of marriage she went into the hospital to give birth. The nurse came out to congratulate the fellow saying:

"This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?"

He answered, "You got to keep the old motor running."

The following year the young bride gave birth again.

The same nurse said: "You're amazing. How do you do it?"

He again said: "You've got the keep the old motor running."

The same thing happened the next year. The nurse then said:

"Well, well, well! !! You certainly are quite a man!"

He responded again, "You've got to keep that old motor running"

The nurse said:

"Well, you better change the oil. This one's black."

The Flower Show and Old Ladies

Two little old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress. The older one leaned over and said, ''Life is so boring. We never have any fun anymore. For $10.00 I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid, boring flower show!''

''You're on!'' said the other old lady, holding up a $10.00 note.

The first little old lady slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes and completely naked, streaked (as fast as an old lady can) through the front door of the flower show.

Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause and shrill whistling.

Finally, the smiling and naked old lady came through the exit door surrounded by a cheering, clapping crowd.

''What happened?'' asked her waiting friend.

''I won $1000 as 1st prize for 'Best Dried Arrangement'.''

Migrating to Australia the Funny Way !

 A China-man decides to retire and move to Australia after 50 years of living in Shanghai.

He bought a small piece of land . A few days after moving in, the friendly Aussie neighbour decides to go across and welcome the new guy to the region. He goes next door but on his way up the drive-way he sees the China-man running around his front yard chasing about 10 hens. Not wanting to interrupt these 'Chinese customs', he decides to put the welcome on hold for the day.

The next day, he decides to try again, but just as he is about to knock on the front door, he looks through the window and sees the China-man urinate into a glass and then drink it. Not wanting to interrupt another 'Chinese custom', he decides to put the welcome on hold for yet another day.

A day later he decides to give it one last go, but on his way next door, he sees the China man leading a bull down the drive-way, ...pause...., and then put his left ear next to the bull's butt. The Aussie bloke can't handle this, so he goes up to the China man and says, 'Jeez Mate, what the hell is it with your Chinese customs?

I come over to welcome you to the neighbourhood, and see you running around the yard after hens. The next day you are pissing in a glass and drinking it, and then today you have your head so close to that bull's butt, it could just about shit on you.'

The China-man is very taken back and says, 'Sorry sir, you no understand, these no ... Chinese customs I doing, these Australian Customs.'

'What do you mean mate' says the Aussie, 'Those aren't Australian customs.'

Yes they are, man at travel agent tell me' replied the China-man,

'He say to become true Australian, I must learn to..... chase chicks, ..... get piss drunk, and .... listen to bull-shit.'

Crazy Lawyer Jokes

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court,

word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place...

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ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?

WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

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ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget.

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

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ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter

has ever been involved in voodoo?

WITNESS: We both do.

ATTORNEY: Voodoo?

WITNESS: We do..

ATTORNEY: You do?

WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.

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ATTORNEY: Now doctor, "isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

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ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?

WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.

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ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS: Are you shitting me?

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ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

WITNESS: Getting laid

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ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?

WITNESS: Yes..

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

WITNESS: None.

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney.

Can I get a new attorney?

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ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: By death.

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

WITNESS: Take a guess.

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ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about 20, medium height, and had a beard..

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.

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ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

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ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK?

What school did you go to?

WITNESS: Oral.

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ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

ATTORNEY: And, Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.

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ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

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And the best for last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No .

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

The Husband Store !

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors & the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.' So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!' Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex & have money & like beer.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.