Dog and Sexy Owner at Vet's Room

Three Labrador Retrievers -- one brown, one yellow and one black--were sitting in the vet's waiting room when they struck up conversation.

The black lab turned to the brown and said, "So why are you here?"

The brown lab replied, "I'm a pisser. I go on everything -- the sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I went in the middle of my owner's bed."

The black lab said, "So what is the vet going to do?"

"Gonna cut my nuts off," came the reply from the brown lab. "They reckon it'll calm me down."

The black lab then turned to the yellow lab and asked, "Why are you here?"

The yellow lab said, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owner's couch."

So what are they going to do to you?" the black lab inquired.

"Looks like I'm losing my nuts, too." The dejected yellow lab said.

The yellow lab then turned to the black lab and asked, "Why are you here?"

"I'm a humper," the black lab said. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, mailboxes, whatever.I want to do everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started humping away."

The yellow and brown labs exchanged a sad glance and said, "So, nuts off for you too, huh?"

The black lab said, "No, I'm here to get my nails clipped!"

The Pope Quits !

Well, on the 10th day  of creation, god did spray a few assholes unto the surface of earth. However, this was not the reason for pope Benedict the 17th (is it ? I have lost count) to resign or quit his office...

Here are the reasons well documented - enjoy the pictorial !

Or is it that he was stuck by the Monday Blues ?

Blond and cheating Father

This guy is in line at the Super Market when he notices a hot blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him.

He is stunned that such a hottie would be waving to him, and although familiar he can't place where he might know her from, so he says "sorry do you know me?"

She replies "I maybe mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of one of my children!"

His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful, "Christ!" he says "are you that stripper at my bachelor party that I had on the pool table in front of all my friends, while your partner whipped me with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my ass?"

"No" she replies, "I'm your son's English Teacher"

Funny One Liners

• When I was born, I was so surprised I didn't  talk for a year and a half. 
• Join the army, see the world, meet interesting  people, and kill them. 
• Until I was 13, I thought my name was 'Shut  Up.' 
• I'm not afraid to die. I just don't want to be  there when it happens. 
• Always and never are two words you should  always remember never to use.
• I've never been drunk, but often I've been  over served. 
• The road to success is always under  construction. 
• I say no to drugs -- they just don't listen! 
• Marriage is one of the chief causes of  divorce. 
• Work is fine if it doesn't take up too much of  your time. 
• When everything's coming your way, you're in  the wrong lane. 
• Born free; Taxed to death.  
• Everyone has a photographic memory; some  people just don't have film. 
• Life is unsure; always eat your dessert first. 
• Smile -- it makes people wonder what you're up to.  
• I love being a writer... what I can't stand is the paperwork. 
• A printer consists of 3 main parts: the case,  the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light. 
• The hardest part of skating is the ice. 
• The guy who invented the first wheel was an  idiot; the guy who invented the other three, he was  the genius. 
• The trouble with being punctual is that there's no one there to appreciate it. 
• If our constitution allows us free speech, why  are there phone bills? 
• If you tell a man there are 300 billion stars  in the universe, he'll believe you. But if you tell him a park bench has just been painted, he has to touch it to be sure. 
• Beat the 5 O'clock rush: leave work at noon! 
• If you can't convince them, confuse them. 
• It's not the fall that kills you; it's the sudden stop at the end. 
• I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder. 
• Hot glass looks same as cold glass. (Cunino's Law of Burnt Fingers) 
• The cigarette does the smoking - you are just the sucker. 
• Someday is not a day of the week

 

Obama plans of getting Back men to work !

Talking of car's - here is the newest design meant for Arabian women drivers - specially meant for Saudi Arabia !




Anyways,


Pres. Obama called five time NASCAR champion Jeff Gordon and said, "Jeff, old friend, I need your help. One of my new initiatives is to get more black men working. Now having said that, we found a crew in Harlem that can change all four tires, gas the car, in nine seconds using nothing but the old fashioned hand tools."

This was much faster than the present crews, so Jeff happily gave them a try-out. Not only did they change all four tires and gas up the car in nine seconds, but they changed the VIN number, put on a new paint scheme, and sold the car to Dale Earnhardt, Jr. for two cases of Budweiser, a bag of weed, and some pictures of his girlfriend in the shower.

Prince Charles and year 1981 & 2005

 

1981 & 2005 Two Interesting Years as far as Prince Charles is concerned

Interesting Year 1981 

1. Prince Charles got married.
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe.
3. Australia lost the Ashes.
4. The Pope died.

Interesting Year 2005
1. Prince Charles got married.
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe. 3. Australia lost the Ashes.
4. The Pope died.

Lesson to be learned: 

The next time Charles gets married, someone should warn the Pope.

Titanic and Bill Clinton Joke !

Students at a local school were assigned to read two books, 'Titanic' by James Cameron & 'My Life' by Bill Clinton.

One student turned in the following book report, with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories !
 
His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report.

Titanic: cost - $29.99
Clinton : cost - $29.99

Titanic: Over 3 hours to read
Clinton : Over 3 hours to read

Titanic: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton : The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.

Titanic: Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton : Bill is a bullshit artist.

Titanic: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton : Ditto for Monica

Titanic: During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton : Ditto for Monica.

Titanic: Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton : Let's not go there.

Titanic: Rose gets to keep her jewelry
Clinton : Monica is forced to return her gifts.

Titanic: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton : Clinton remembers Monica for the rest of his life.

Titanic: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton : Monica...ooh, let's not go there, either..

Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton : Bill goes home to Hilary - basically the same thing.

Automatic Medical Advice on Computer

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor."

So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.

Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.


The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

Joke for Men !

'One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, 'Why are you crying?'

The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water, and he needed the axe to make his living.

The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe. 'Is this your axe?' the Lord asked.

The woodcutter replied, 'No.'

The Lord again went down and came up with a silver Axe. 'Is this your axe?' the Lord asked.

Again, the woodcutter replied, 'No.'

The Lord went down again and came up with an iron Axe. 'Is this your axe?' the Lord asked.

The woodcutter replied, 'Yes.'
The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.

Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank, and his wife fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, 'Why are you crying?'

'Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!'

The Lord went down into the water and came up with ANGELINA JOLIE 'Is this your wife?' the Lord asked.

'Yes,' cried the woodcutter.

The Lord was furious. 'You lied! That is an untruth!'

The woodcutter replied, 'Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to ANGELINA JOLIE , You would have come up with CAMERON DIAZ . Then if I said 'no' to her, you would have come up with my wife . Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I am a poor man, and am not able to take care
of all three wives, so THAT'S why I said yes to ANGELINA JOLIE .'

The moral of this story is: Whenever a man lies, it is for a good and honorable reason, and for the benefit of others.

That's our story, and we're sticking to it! -
'WE ARE  HONOURABLE MEN!!!